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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
gilly86 · 21/03/2013 14:53

I bet loads of men would want you! You sound like a brilliant lovely amazing brave lady! I want you! Grin

Where the hell is he? Putting it off til later so the children have to witness it all?

Who is picking them up from school? When will they be home?!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/03/2013 14:53

Wow OP he really is a cunt of the highest order!

You on the other hand are an amazingly strong woman. I think people should know what a bastard he has been!

And do not be frightened of no one wanting you, that is just not true. There are some very amazing people out there who don't bat an eyelid at anything.

Catrin · 21/03/2013 14:54

Right - first things first - you need to get all better and focus on you and the children. Do you really need a knob like him in your life? You have had CANCER! This is not bigger or scarier than that, few things are and you are kicking it's arse.
Second - there are nice men out there who would look at YOU and see YOU, your body is just the wrapping.

FaceCake · 21/03/2013 14:54

Do not let yourself think that no one else would be interested because of what you've been through. A lady I know lost both breasts to cancer, she got an infection after her reconstruction and her chest was left flat and scarred. She found her DH after telling herself she would never find love, they've been together 5 years now!

getthegirladrink · 21/03/2013 14:57

What gilly said, and puds
Deep breaths honey, you sound very, very courageous. You will get through this. The cancer was the hard stuff. You got through that, shows you can do anything.

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 14:57

"He said on the phone he just needed something for himself ie her !!!"

What a despicable cunt.

aftereight · 21/03/2013 14:58

He needed something for himself???
What an utter cunt. And I never use that word.
You must be in itter shock, but please use your adrenalin surge to find your anger and let him have it woth both barrels, then tell everyone around you so they can support you and kick him to the ground
I will be thinking of you.

aftereight · 21/03/2013 14:58

*utter

NinaHeart · 21/03/2013 15:01

Inrealshock....now, today, you need think only of yourself. Do not worry about the future, it will fall into place. it does that.

Just for the moment, please, put yourself and your needs first. You really don't need this selfish man and his utterly unscrupulous and vile woman hanging (metaphorically) round your neck.

I am thinking of you.

akaemmafrost · 21/03/2013 15:03

Sad I can't add to the good advice but doesn't the silly twat realise that she will leave him eventually and he will be left with nothing? Young and glamourous, affairs are common in her culture? yep she's really going to be around for the long haul isn't she? What a pair of arses.

PureQuintessence · 21/03/2013 15:03

It would not be surprising if he delayed until the kids were home, using them as a shield to avoid drama and accusations. What a dick.

LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 15:05

another one Shock in shock here at the justification "i needed something for myself". oh boy. What a sense of entitlement.

OP, tell mutual friends as this unwinds. I knwo you probably can't face telling people (yet) but as many of us on this thread can tell you, history will be re-written if you allow it to be. I'm glad for your sake that you have the screen shots.

ScentedNappyHag · 21/03/2013 15:05

InReal, you're awesome. I don't just mean you're fantastic, I mean you actually inspire awe in me.
How sad for him that strangers in the Internet can feel that about you, but he has missed out. You will find happiness once this drain on your life has fucked off- you beat cancer, you can sure as hell beat this.
As for finding someone else; the majority of people will see you scars for what they are, medals to your strength and bravery, not an excuse to treat you as though you don't matter. You DO matter, and deserve to feel that every second of every day.
Good luck OP, we're in your corner. You're awesome.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2013 15:07

Just wanted topop back and say I've been thinking about you. Hope you've kicked his sorry arse out of the door

NorksAreMessy · 21/03/2013 15:09

Shock and bloody hell :(

Try to hold on to the fact that you are a strong, courageous and dignified woman and THAT is the person you get to spend the rest of your life with. Someone respected and admired by strangers on the internet

He has to make to with a spineless, selfish worm. That's his prize for the rest of his life, to live with himself.

And please tell as many people as you can possibly find exactly what he has done. This is not your secret to keep

NicholasTeakozy · 21/03/2013 15:13

I'm totally disgusted by this vile excuse for a man. To blame you for his behaviour is just revolting. Your best revenge will be to live a good life without him in it.

pausingforbreath · 21/03/2013 15:21

He actually said he 'needed something for himself' - he did already; a good faithful wife , whom he wasn't expected to share.
I'm sorry he has been a total dick towards you and he has hurt you so badly.
Really, there can be no justification or excuse or valid reason for his actions , aside from self gratification and pure selfishness.

I know you must feel struck down by what you are ( admirably by the sound of it ) already facing and dealing with without this extra body blow.

He is so not important right now - you are. Expose him for what he is and get your support right now. His self importance and entitlement will make him the victim in this , sure.

But you are , what a complete dick, you deserve to be treasured and protected not deceived and cheated by an overgrown baby.

I hope his hair ALL falls out.

What an arse.

Bitchplease · 21/03/2013 15:23

Just another one here dropping by to offer my support, I have a friend who went through something similar; although it was difficult she?s come out the other side and is happier now. You sound very strong and you will get through this.

ladyjadie · 21/03/2013 15:25

"If you are losing your hair, you buy a hat, get hair implants, a wig."
any of these. Teamed with a sense of reality and humbleness- EVERYONE gets older. Fact of life. Not reason to betray someone who loves you anyway. Not reason to try to paper over his poor hurt pride in himself with a Band-Aid Bint. Fucking vain, up-his-own-ass DICKHEAD.

I think you might heal a whole lot quicker without this weak link. If he can't keep it in his pants in the hardest part of your life he doesn't deserve you when you're better anyway. Keep telling yourself that.

You have a sea of support here. And there is someone out there who will love you for your integrity and the strength you display so clearly.

CUUUNT. I actually shouted this out loud reading this. Angry

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/03/2013 15:29

Real,

You are in shock and will be for while, I just wanted to say that your scars are the battle you fought for your life, if you can win that one, then this one which is to come will be a cake walk in comparison.

Please think of what you want and not what others want of you, he will project all sorts of issues on to you but really its his way of avoiding the reality of what he has done. None of this is your fault if you can hang on to that one thought, then you are already half way there. Dont make any big decisions for the future ie finances house kids etc, until you have got the facts of what has gone on, and where you need to go from here.

The only thing that matters is you and those kids, everything else can and will wait, including him.

all the best lovey x

LadyFlumpalot · 21/03/2013 15:32

No real advise, but sending you wishes and hugs. You sound like an incredibly strong woman who deserves so much better.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 15:32

Thanks for your support .... Hes still not home and my kids are due back from school any minute ... Bloody hell ... I will update you later re what happens

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 21/03/2013 15:46

Would he be waiting for your children to be at home as he knows you won't cause a scene in front of them? Can you send them to a friends or to your parents for the evening/night? Can you get a friend round for moral support, just to sit in the kitchen unseen? It will make you more confident and if he gets aggressive or scary you have someone there.

gilly86 · 21/03/2013 15:47

For goodness sake. Where is he? Why isn't he back yet?

Can the kids go somewhere else like to a friends house or grandparents?

Arghhhhhhh I'm frustrated and upset for you. Stay strong x

Inertia · 21/03/2013 15:54

He has probably stalled on purpose - can you ring any of your friends or family to see if they can take the children for today ? You shouldn't feel scared of telling them exactly why you need their help.

As if his behaviour wasn't cowardly enough, he is planning to hide behind his kids. He is an absolute worm .

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