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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 12:43

To be honest i am desperate for a holiday if only to see the sun ! I am so tired of the weather in the uk at the moment. He can come along but trust me he will be working

OP posts:
badinage · 27/03/2013 13:53

Yes I don't blame you! Bloody UK weather Angry

I think it'd be fair to point out to him that if you split up, he'd better get practised at holidaying alone with kids to look after.

mathanxiety · 27/03/2013 16:02

"part of me also just wants to keep an eye on him."

"i cannot spend time worrying about potential future infidelity "

But you do, and you will. This is the 800 lb gorilla already making his presence felt. This is a taste of how your life will be.

If you had not caught this man he would still be at it. You are all still embroiled in the affair to a large extent. Keep all of your options completely open.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 16:32

Thanks math yes i will keep my options open. I am not in a hurry to make a decision - i just have the 6 month legal window re adultery if divorce is the way it goes. I am starting to feel stronger and i know i will be fine and that he is the idiot.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 27/03/2013 17:32

I am convinced that there is a link between breast cancer and stress so all this drama cannot help me

No, it cannot be helping you.

That is exactly why I focused upthread on the stress management stuff. And I still urge you to put a proper support plan in place around this.

One thing to bear in mind, which I swear is true, is that the affair is nothng to do with you at all. Please do not waste time worrying about whether he would have done this if circumstances or you had been different. He would still have done it. He is having his mid life crisis fun, and he would have anyway, regardless of whether you were the proverbial angel in the kitchen, bedroom and nursery, and in perfect health.

It is simply him seeing if he 'still has it', believing he wouldnt get caught, and wanting his ego stroked, and adrenaline pumped, by someone in that way one only gets in the first weeks of a new fling.

So, if you think logically about it, you could feel sorry for her. I did with my h's Ow (plural), innocent, messed up twits that they were. They meant absolutely nothing to him. It was all about him.

cjel · 27/03/2013 17:38

I remember just feeling some sort of weird comfort that I still had DH after discovery, we slept together had candlelight meals, long walks etc and it helped me get through the first tough time. When I was ready I moved out and made my decisions as and when I was ready to. Those few months were lovely like a honeymoon period and all the time I was being spoiled and cooked for etc I was getting strong enough to make my choices. Do what you want, when you want and don't be swayed by anything he thinks needs to be done.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 18:23

I feel ridiculous because I am relieved that the OW is not a threat - she is in anither country and I do know it was just a fling to massage his ego. He is just pathetic and I deserve better I know .. But at the end of the day i love him and want to forgive him i am just so bloody angry and my mood swings are insane.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 27/03/2013 18:36

Everyone manages differently through this. I did hysterical bonding for 2 months, and then fell into a rage.

cjel · 27/03/2013 18:42

Don't feel ridiculous, what you feel is valid, I can understand 'fling' being less 'hurtful than new life partner, helps to feel that he might think you are more special after all.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 18:47

I am just worried about what came before ie has he been shagging about before or is it the first time ? I doubt i will ever know ... Can i be bothered to be a detective and uncover things. I also feel this insane rage with the OW - she knew i had breast cancer ... Bloody hell not only is he married with kids but his wife is sick ... How low can you go. I am insane for revenge and inhate seein that side in me . I want to be a good person

OP posts:
cjel · 27/03/2013 19:01

Its hard not to be cross with OW. 2yrs on and my DCs (30 and 28)still blame OW and will have nothing to do with them, Even though they can see I'mso much better off. They had that that idea that see had deliberately taken advantage of a very vulnerable man(probably true in my case) I can't remember how I got over anger but I did have counselling which did help.

AThingInYourLife · 27/03/2013 19:07

I'm not defending her in the least.

But he knew you had breast cancer.

He knew you were fighting for your life.

Sure, it takes someone pretty cheap to shag the spouse of someone having cancer treatment.

But to be the person cheating on your seriously ill spouse?

Who is that person? Where is their humanity?

What is the worth of a person who justifies such monstrous behaviour by saying it made them feel alive?!

To say that to someone who was facing their own possible death within the past 6 months is mind fucking boggling.

You say he is remorseful. It's hard to imagine the kind of remorse that could even come close to making up for such wanton, evil selfishness.

You were at risk of dying, and he put your health at risk so he could "have something for himself."

How can he live with himself?

He should be full of (entirely justified) self-loathing. Is he?

Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 19:09

Did you bother having marriage counselling or just individual counselling ? I am just at the end of a course of cancer counselling I am just sick of counselling and feel that I want no more !

OP posts:
cjel · 27/03/2013 19:15

Def Not together, I too was just coming to the end of counselling for something else but it wasn't specific like yours so I carried it on for about a year it helped me through all the stages, It was brilliant.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 19:18

How is your life now cjel are you happy with your decision

OP posts:
Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 19:20

Yes he is full of self loathing . God I just do not know what to do. Part of me wonders if he has some form of mental health issue

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/03/2013 19:22

Nobody is giving out medals for being a good person here.

Be careful that your need to forgive isn't simply a need to have some calm and a desire to put it behind you that arises out of an inkling of the scale of it. It won't go away even if you forgive. It will always be there.

You need time to really process this (you are still right in the thick of it) before you will be able to think straight or get through a day without the rollercoaster feeling.

badinage · 27/03/2013 19:27

Isn't it only your husband saying that the OW knew about your cancer though?

When you spoke to her, she said she hadn't known about that. Plus I think it's unlikely he'd volunteer that info to her, lest she developed a conscience and wouldn't have an affair. I suppose he might have done the 'poor me, exhausted from looking after my sick wife' act, but the OW would have been spectacularly unconscienced to have agreed to an affair within that context.

Bear in mind it's in his interests to get you to hate the OW even more than you do, because that takes the heat off him.

Whether she knew or not though, what's indisputable is that he knew.

His mental health is just fine I should think. The thing that no doubt ails him most is selfishness.

cjel · 27/03/2013 19:39

I have blossomed in the last 18months. I did have days when I'd pass 'them' driving around and hardly get home through the tears and cry myself to sleep. I have moved to my own lovely house,(found builders plumbers electricians kitchen fitters, plasters)changed churches, started to run a toddler group I , I had eleven friends round last night!!! I could go on and on.. He wouldn't know any of the people I call friends now, I have never had friends like this before(we were together 35 yrs since 16) and although I have occasional times when I feel sorry for myself most of the time I can't fit in all I want to do. I haven't been out with anyone else and although I would love that someone special, decided to live my life how I want and if I meet someone thats a bonus.I have such compassion for him as although hes supposed to be happy with her the rest of his life is a mess and he looks awful.I'm not just rushing about for the sake of it, I do have days when I don't talk to anyone but its been fantastic. I remember you said your illness made you reassess how you want your life to be and I can honestly say that really she has done me a favour. I didn't wait for him to chose I led everything,settlement, moving out, selling house etc. he did nothing unless I pushed it. I'd advise take the time you need but make sure the choices you make are for you, it won't all be rosy but most of it has been and I wouldn't go back. I would have to meet a very special person to fit them in now!!!

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 21:11

Cjel, that us a truly inspiring story.

cjel · 27/03/2013 21:16

Thank you. Glad to inspire!! I was someone who 'struggled' with nerves for years as well. OP it really is greener on the other side for me.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 27/03/2013 23:16

Thank you cgel ! Xxx

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/03/2013 23:24

Cjel hats off to you that is something to be proud of.

EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 23:27

cjel, that is seriously impressive

Mosman · 27/03/2013 23:47

Such s great post C x