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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2013 11:42

"it does not portray him in a good light" OP that has to be the understatement of the millenium!!

Buzzardbird · 21/03/2013 11:45

Those poor children, not only have they had to watch their lovely DM struggle with everything now they will have to go through what their Father has done. He should be the one that has to explain it to them. The utter shit.
I have a friend that exactly the same thing happened to except her 2 Dc's were grown up. She took him back but at any social events he cannot bear to show his face, wonder why?
Like you she is a strong character that beat the cancer and got through all the op's.
Good luck to you OP, stay strong.

LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 11:50

and as for this girl ringing you up to tell you that affairs are normal in her country!!! Well so what if they are. don't like a friend of a friend be made to feel that you are bourgeouise for wanting a faithful husbband. I know a man who asked his wife, look, can you not just accept it? when she said no he mocked her for being bourgeois. Anyway, whatever happens in her country, you don't live there. This is not yugoslavia. And even if it were, it's your marriage, not hers, so you are the one who gets to decide where you draw the lines.

LaurenGB · 21/03/2013 12:15

Just another adding support here Inrealshock. I think you are doing the right thing. He needs to leave and you clearly need time to process everything. Him being in the house with you is going to be a massive amount of pressure on you.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong here.
And he is an utterly selfish arrogant c*unt.
I reserve that name for very few.

Lauren xx

coffeewineandchocolate · 21/03/2013 12:16

OP, if it had have been the other way round and he had breast/testicular cancer which resulted in body changes for him, would he then accept you saying it was due to this you had an affair? I very much doubt it!

A relationship is about supporting each other through difficult times not just reaping the rewards of the good times. Physical body changes shouldn't matter as he should love you for the person you not just your physique. I'm sure he had changed somewhat in the time you have been together!

I agree with other posters that he had been selfish and arrogant and that he will probably turn things back on you. My suggestion is that if you are struggling, just think if what advice you would give a close friend or your daughter in your situation- its often the truest and more sensible advice a we tend to take more care over friends/childrens wellbeing and feelings than our own

badinage · 21/03/2013 12:20

Any bloke who shags around while his wife is coping with a life threatening illness and then blames it for his behaviour needs binning. But don't make the mistake of thinking this was a one-off act of selfishness. Someone who could do that has been selfish for years, but you've probably overlooked it.

My guess is that the woman dumped him as soon as she found about the cancer and the fact he'd lied by omission about it. Well, she would if she had any self-respect, but her actions don't particularly matter. The only reason I'm mentioning that is because if your husband's been dumped and is out of alternative options, he will probably try all he can to stay with you, but for his own self-interests and not yours or the children.

Tell anyone and everyone you want. People like this never learn a damned thing unless there are consequences.

LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 12:29

Good point, if he'd been diagnosed with testicular cancer in July, do you think you would have 1) had an affair 2) used it as an excuse for an affair, and TOLD him that his cancer was 'to blame'.

GeorgiePorgiePudding · 21/03/2013 12:32

He was worried about what people would think?

Have you rang his mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins and told them what he's done? If not, get on the phone, you have nothing to be embarrased about or blame yourself for so 'out' the bastard for the c*nt that he is.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 12:40

I have been speaking to him whilst he waits for his flight but he s now talking about how things were wrong before the cancer - thats just not true we were getting along. I just feel so devastated that the person i trusted the most and who did help me through the ops etc would then turn round and establish some form of relationship withba woman who is younger and has a perfect body which she flaunts to him.

OP posts:
badinage · 21/03/2013 12:44

He's just re-writing history to justify his behaviour, that's all. But take him at his word and say that you don't want to be with someone who's unhappy with you and most of all, is as lowlife as to do something like this and try to blame other factors rather than himself.

Nothing you say today is set in stone.

The most powerful thing you can do is to tell him your marriage is over and for him to leave.

You might change your mind later, you might not. For now, take control of the situation and get yourself some space.

Owllady · 21/03/2013 12:45

god I am so sorry. He sounds an absolute coward and a complete arse

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 12:45

He'll say whatever he can to try to justify what he did.

But there is no justification.

And everyone, including him deep down, knows that.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 21/03/2013 12:51

Nothing he can say can justify what he has done. If your marriage was crap or he couldn't cope with the cancer he should have walke away. In what world do you deal with these problems by having an affair.

He is a coward and he is trying to dig himself out of his hole. Please don't be afraid to tell people. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And if he thinks his behaviour was justified he shouldn't have a problem with it either!!

Best of luck wih your ongoing recovery. Focus on that and the kids and dont waste too much time on him.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 12:54

Ok .. Wise words .. I will do my best

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 21/03/2013 13:00

So what if there were issues in the marriage - did he talk to you about these? did he suggest counselling?! He is scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to come up with excuses for his shitty behaviour. He chose to cheat because he is a selfish twat - not because of you or so called "issues" in the marriage.

Stay strong xx

Distrustinggirlnow · 21/03/2013 13:08

Just caught up with your thread OP and just wanted to add my support.

What an idiot he is being, has been. To try the 'its not my fault' script is spineless IMO.

Regardless of your illness, if he had felt that your marriage was not as it should be, how the hell did he think shagging someone else was going to fix that....?

You are bound to feel self conscious and he should be doing everything to make you feel marvellous. You are marvellous.

He may have woken up and smelt the coffee and want to be the husband you deserve or he may just be trying to cover his own sorry arse. He's a twunt of the highest order, but you know that already. It is now down to him to fix this, if u want him to, that is.

And as for her ringing you, words fail me. Wtf...? How did she get your number?

Sending u a big unmumsnetty hug. Please make sure u still go on holiday. ThanksThanks

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 13:09

I am strong and what I have battled with the cancer this year has made me stronger and also more of a mind that I need to make the most out of life as life is so precious. I do not tolerate fools .... Ie my husband

OP posts:
Dallasty · 21/03/2013 13:11

I'm a man, and I read yer post. Just wanna say that we're not all like this absolute tosser of a guy. To use your condition as an excuse for his demeanours is despicable. So sorry for you. Just wanna say that i'm thinking of you and wish you the best.

LeslieWrinkle · 21/03/2013 13:14

yes, whatEVER happens in the future, tell everybody what you know and HOW you knwo it so that HISTORY can not be re-written. The old re-writing history chestnut is an absolute classic. one minute you think the script is 'you cheated/hit me/stole our life savings' and you are trying to work out what to do next based on THAT, and then somehow, you forgive a little bit, and suddenly the new script is 'well if YOU CHANGE TOO, if you work at accepting, me and showing me more love and up the pom pom cheerleader support for ME' then, maybe, we can get through this.

Sorry if that sounds really jaded.

CATSNDOGS · 21/03/2013 13:18

how truly awful. what a despicable man. your relationship wouldn't have been normal as you were fighting cancer, so he can go off and seek out another relationship? Um, no!!!!!!! Utterly utterly nasty behaviour. everyone has expressed what i would say and you are getting brilliant support on line, so so sad. i hope you are ok.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 21/03/2013 13:44

Your husband must be due home soon - i just wanted to say you'll be fine. I'd wish you luck, but you won't need it. You are worth ten of this moron - don't waste your time listening to him justifying himself, just tell him to go.

You are an inspiration, and your strength will serve you well.

scottishmerlottish · 21/03/2013 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeysbignuts · 21/03/2013 13:51

He's just trying to deflect blame from himself op. Big hugs and stay strong, you have done nothing wrong and don't deserve this x

Inertia · 21/03/2013 13:52

Words fail me- how much more despicable can one man's behaviour get?

He has an affair while you are battling cancer, then has the nerve to blame you for his affair because you had cancer? You went through numerous operations and all kinds of medical treatment for a life-threatening illness, and he's having a crisis because he's going fucking bald?

And as for the sheer hard face of the OW- she's suffered so much? What , while she was shagging your husband while you were on the operating table?

It's not paranoia that makes him tell you to avoid telling other people what he's done. He knows full well that people will be disgusted with what he's done, and he wants the chance to rewrite history first. Do not stint on telling the truth to anyone that you think needs to know.

Glad to see you are feeling strong enough to handle this, but please don't be afraid to ask for help from people you trust. This sounds like the ultimate betrayal after a horrendous time in your life.

Well done for putting his stuff out- if it's the first thing he sees he'll know you mean what you say.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 13:53

Starting ʻto get a bit nervous as he will be home soon i know he is going to try and wiggle out and blame me for everythin

OP posts:
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