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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

440 replies

Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 09:41

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

OP posts:
Dinosaurhunter · 21/03/2013 13:54

Op I'm so sorry you are going through this , you sound so strong though and I think your children are lucky to have a mum like you x

NinaHeart · 21/03/2013 13:55

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. I hope you are ok (well, as ok as can be). I just don't know what to say, my jaw has dropped so far as his crass and unreasonable behaviour.

FaceCake · 21/03/2013 13:58

Inrealshock Good luck. He will try and wriggle out of any blame, and put it all on you. Do not believe him You have done nothing wrong, he's a vile bastard. Hold your head high and tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to stay for the night.

PeppermintPasty · 21/03/2013 13:58

Good luck OP, wishing you (even more) strength.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 21/03/2013 13:58

You need to tell him to grow up, be a man and take ownership of his own decisions

Gigondas · 21/03/2013 13:59

Inrealshock-sorry you are going through this. If you feel you need another outlet, the tamoxifen thread is for anyone who had or has cancer.

I know you aren't posting directly about that but there a few people on there who are going through or been through relationship break ups with cancer (at least one other poster had a not so dh who didn't do cancer ) so do come and hang out if it would help.

fedupwithdeployment · 21/03/2013 14:02

I wish you luck. Reading this was one of the most shocking things I have read during my time on MN.

Be strong. Retain your dignity. What a miserable worm he is.

IsItMeBU · 21/03/2013 14:03

I don't even know what to say OPHmm what a pathetic excuse of a man!

Stay strong and don't let him out anything on you

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 14:09

Ok and thanks for the advice re tamoxifen thread - i have been on those tablets for the last month and they have been making me feel unwell .. He knows this and still has behaved the way he did .. In fact i did not want to take the tablets in the first place because of the side effects but he talked me into taking them. My god i hate him so much for this I really did love him but what he has done is too great and that love has just vanished so quickly

OP posts:
aftereight · 21/03/2013 14:09

I am speechless.
Your cancer has affected him?
He is having a mid life crisis?
There were problems before you were diagnosed?
He's only kissed the OW?
He gave her your phone number??
Fucking hell, he disgusts me. You are strong, you have survived cancer, and now he throws this at you?
Please, gather together all financial paperwork (inc pensions) you can, and make an appointment with a solicitor. Just so you have the facts smd can weigh up your options.
Good luck x

LemonBreeland · 21/03/2013 14:11

OP just come across this.

Remember whatever he says that none of this is your fault. He chose to behave the way he did, and at a time when you were ill and vulnerable. Only he is to blame.

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 14:18

Thank you Lemon I know from our phone calls so far he is going to try and wriggle out of this and blame me fo various things ... He will probably say that he has had some sort of breakdown or psychological crisis

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 21/03/2013 14:20

He found your cancer difficult.

He is having a midlife crisis

He is worried about looking bad

He doesn't want people to know

He is losing his hair

It's all about him, him, him, isn't it?

What a selfish bastard.

And now he wants to wriggle out of this and somehow blame you and your cancer?

Am so, so sorry, op. The least he can do is show contrition instead of trying to give you these pathetic excuses.

She sounds cheap and nasty, with absolutely no values or scruples.

gilly86 · 21/03/2013 14:21

Hoping the bin bags are out on the road!!!!!!

Let us know how it goes. Good luck xxxxx

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 21/03/2013 14:23

By the way, if he starts trying to wriggle and argue about this, just tell him he has caused you so much pain, and the stress is too much for you while still recovering from cancer, so could he please get the fuck out leave?

Have your say first though.

kittybiscuits · 21/03/2013 14:23

Thinking of you OP. He sounds like a prick. Hope you are standing up for yourself, and that he doesn't bang his arse on the door as he leaves, if he's giving you more of this self-indulgent, justifying bullshit. You deserve so much better than this x

Cherriesarelovely · 21/03/2013 14:23

Wow, what an absolute bastard. I am so sorry OP. What an amazingly courageous woman you are to endure your illness and several operations. You have continued being a mum and a wife through all of that. You are doing so brilliantly. I am in awe.

He has behaved absolutely despicably AND he knows it, hence his fear that others will find out. First he say he had a mid life crisis, then that it is your fault and that things weren't right between you....horrible.

I am thinking of you. I hope you can stay strong and that you get all the love and support that you need from your friends and family. Thinking of you x

getthegirladrink · 21/03/2013 14:30

He will re-write history and events to convince himself that he is not the lowest of the low, but he knows he is. It will all be a series of justifications.
There were things wrong before the cancer = I know I am a lying, cheating, cowardly, selfish, self-obsessed, spineless waste of skin but I am going to get in there and tell you, and anyone else out there, that I am not to blame.
Too late, mate.
OP, my thoughts are with you. Keep strong, you have done nothing to deserve this.

WhoDat · 21/03/2013 14:39

Yugoslavia hasn't existed since 1992?!? Hmm

GeorgiePorgiePudding · 21/03/2013 14:43

Hope things are going well, Inrealshock
We're all thinking of you right now

Vagazzled · 21/03/2013 14:45

My first ever; Leave the bastard

Thinking of you Thanks

Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 14:47

Still not here super nervous ... He said on the phone he just needed something for himself ie her !!! Like she was an escape from cancer and reality

Yes the yugoslavia thing was ridiculous - she called me darling and said we should be friends it was his fault and he pursued her. She said all men were like that and her father had affairs bloody hell she sounded like a real sleazy bitch cant believe my husband would let me and the kids down like that

OP posts:
Original poster
Inrealshock · 21/03/2013 14:49

I am so frightened of leaving him i dont know how i could rebuild my life and find a new partner ... I feel decimated and scarred by the surgery no one would want me

OP posts:
Catrin · 21/03/2013 14:49

Just seen thread and am Shock - what a cruel, selfish bastard.

Don;t let him bully and blame you - this is all his own work.

LulaPalooza · 21/03/2013 14:53

I have read so many threads about cheating on here that I didn't think anything could shock me... but this has to be the shittiest thing I have ever read.

This is my first ever LTB as well.

Hope you're ok, Inrealshock

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