Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

[BerylStreep]

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

He says that everyone has ups and downs and that no marriage is perfect. The thing is, at the moment I feel that sure, I could move on and sweep it under the carpet until next time. I've looked back at threads I've started, and it's a common theme. Have always nc for threads in the past. And he's always sorry.

I feel so pissed off that at the moment it wouldn't bother me if we split. I would be more upset about the impact on my DC, and that we would have to sell up and move. It sounds shallow but it is a measure of tired I am being treated like this and having him try to score points all the time.

There is quite a gulf between "not perfect" and "a bit shit"

How old are the DC, Beryl? do you work?
You sound so sad and ground down. He sounds selfish and immature.
Have you talked to any friends irl? Are you close to your own family?

DC are 7 & 5, so it seems selfish to consider ending things on a whim. Especially when you read what other people have been through on here.

Yes, I work. I has a professional career and have worked pt since the dc. I spoke with my friend who was away on the trip with me. But DH knows and now he is trying to blame her too, saying that she was one of the ones encouraging him to stay out. I have told him he is trying to deflect.

I'll call round to my Mum later and have a chat, but I know she is always one today to work at things.

Beryl your post is very sad, but we all come to things (or not) in our own time. Good luck.

When will I learn? All these semingly trivial posts on here, carping about things that seems small, are never about the subject at hand really...they're more often than not about a far deeper hurt.

I'm so sorry Beryl. You sound very sad. I'm sad for you too. xxx

It isn't just about ending things on a whim if you're very unhappy.

Do you still love him enough to want to work through the issues and does he love and value you enough to make you happy?

I don't think it would be ending things on a whim. It sounds like he has been a real jerk to you, many times, and you are just reaching the point where you don't want to deal with it anymore. That's entirely logical, who wants to be treated like shit over and over?

It's true that no one is perfect but when you know you are hurting your partner with your behaviour, you try very hard not to do it anymore. It doesn't really sound like he's trying to be a better person.

If you're not sure whether you want to split, would counseling be an option?

Thank you for answering, Beryl. I don't think you should worry about what your mum thinks, the older generation always say "work at it", and this is your life and your happiness.
Your children will be fine as long as they are loved and honestly communicated with (well reasonably honest, "your dad is a git", maybe not)
You don't sound the sort to do things on a whim. Your long term happiness is not a whim. I think you have lots of thinking to do but I think you should take your own happiness seriously. I am glad you have a professional career because this can be very important to your self esteem. Would your colleagues at work treat you like your husband does? And they are only colleagues.

The thing about your husband staying out is irrelevant, why is he telling you that it is everyone else's "fault" that he stayed out? imho it is fine for one partner to stay out when one wants to go home, this is neither here nor there - it is how he treated you when you wanted to go home. Don't get dragged off into technicalities and irrelevancies.
I think you should be very clear about what is upsetting you and what shouldn't happen again: he was rude and dismissive in the bar, he was unhelpful about you getting home when you felt uncomfortable going alone, he was outrageously inconsiderate when you were sleeping in the hotel, and vomiting after drinking too much is vile and pathetic. Plus being "too ill" to help at home is not on either if he can do all this.
Be really clear about what is not acceptable, then draw a line under the conversation and don't let him bring other crap into it. See if he understands what you are asking for, and if he acts on it. Please believe us when we tell you that asking for those things of your husband is not asking too much.

Things aren't great at the moment. DH has now acknowledged that he was deliberately trying to humiliate me the second night by being so dismissive when I was leaving the restaurant. He has apologised to me. However, as I said before, he has always found it easy to apologise.

I am trying to process what it means for me, and our relationship.

He announced he was thinking of going pt at work to relieve some stress. To me, this is just an attempt to deflect the responsibility - having blamed me, my friend, the group we were with, he is now blaming work for his attitude towards me. I think he also trying to punish me further by making a fuss about this.

Beryl. I did a long reply but MN crashed so...
The gist of it was
a) he admits trying to humiliate you?? I am at that. Thats a power play. Its 'I cannot let you have any power over me, I have to be in charge, I cannot be vulnerable enough to let you in or care about you'. So I have to reduce you in my own eyes and everyone elses.
It's the classic 'reducing' thing that men do before they cheat/abuse/damage the woman in the relationship. Because you are not and cannot be perfect. And he cant accept that in himself so he's damn well not going to accept it in you.
b) you cant change him.
Given that fact, what are you going to do? I doubt he will acccept you asserting yourself, your needs, your fears. So asserting yourself will lead to more of the above.
c) an apology is easy to do.
Genuine ones are powerful because they demonstrate that I know exactly the pain I caused, I know exactly why I did it.
I look to repair the damage caused and I try to root out what led me to do it so I can learn new ways of handling my aggression/stress/annoyance/fear of being needed/ whatever.

Is any of that true of his apology?