Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

[BerylStreep]

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

Threads like this make me feel very glad that I am an independent, self sufficient woman who doesn't feel the need to be looked after.
I LIKE walking on my own.
I LIKE socialising without my husband.
I LIKE my husband going out without me.
I LIKE feeling that my choices are my own to make. If I want to stay, then I do. If I don't then I don't. My dh can decide for himself too.

I am social person and will always be amongst the last few standing. My dh is far more of a homebody and cba with all that.

It's all cool with us.

ithink - not according to the statistics. What you say was once true but a glance at any high street in a large town on a Friday or Saturday night will indicate that the numbers out and about are pretty equal these days, whereas once it was a much higher proportion of men. And of course there are 1m more women in the UK than men.

This is outrageous. The OP felt unsafe- whether or not she is statistically more likely to be raped by he DH- statistics like that are pointless when applied to individual situations. If she is not married to a rapist she is statistically more likely to be raped by a stranger surely?

Whether or not the OP was right about the perceived danger it was real to her at the time and her DH was being totally inconsiderate about that.

He had a choice, if he thought the area was safe he could have walked the OP back and then gone out again, if he thought it was dangerous he could have walked the OP back and then had sex stayed in with her.

I would be very cross indeed if my DH belittled my feelings like that.

I think in crime in ski resorts is generally pretty low - the bigger risk would have been you slipping over and injuring yourself. I don't know if anyone else remembers this, but a young man did die in a ski resort a couple of years ago when he got separated from his group late at night. He died of the cold after falling over near a river. Very sad.

Having said that, I have just returned from a ski trip and thinking about it, would feel fairly comfortable to walk around the resort by myself. But, that is me, it is a resort I know fairly well and I have spent years using public transport in London and walking back home afterwards. So a small French ski resort seems like a low risk environment to me!

The second night - 5-10 minutes from the hotel, I think you would have been fine to walk back.
The first night - I think that there should have been a conversation about whether or not you were ok to walk back (know the way, sober, wearing adequate clothing, busy or not on the streets?), rather than just assuming you would be ok.

The stats thing - it may be a small statistic, but I still don't want to walk home on my own. It may be illogical, or even, as some have suggested, hysterical. But that's the way I feel.

Perhaps it is the circle of friends that I have, but none of us would normally be walking around at night on our own. That's why I was so shocked at DH's attitude. Even the others in the group were shocked that I was walking home the first night on my own. They were saying things like 'I don't think you should be going home on your own' and I did try to get a taxi, but couldn't get one.

Anyhow, thanks for your views. Thanks too for those who noticed it wasn't in AIBU.

I'm afraid I'm erring towards precious and misery guts, but then I'm more of your DH's mould than yours, and love a chance to party and stay up late being grown up and child free... although I'd never drink so much I vomited - urgh.

Probably your DH should have offered, knowing what you are like. I think he should have said 'Text me when you get in, so I know you're OK.' It sounds like he's taking an opportunity to relax and do what he likes doing.

It might be worth having a bit of a chat about how things are with him; he sounds a little exasperated/shackled and I agree his actions don't suggest he cares that much about you. I also think it would have been completely unreasonable for him to have expected you to follow him home if the tables had been turned & you had wanted to stay out. I would have been proper mad if that had been me!

But what does come across is that you both gave each other quite a hard time, so not conducive to an enjoyable trip.

The OP also had a choice, she could have stayed until her DH wanted to go home if she felt that unsafe.

I'm not sure statistics are super meaningful for these discussions.

For a lot of people, stranger rape is a '1% problem' -- i.e., even though the chances of it happening are rare, the effects if it did happen are so serious that it is worth making an extra effort to prevent it.

Everyone will differ on what that extra effort should entail, for some people it might just mean not getting absolutely blotto when going home, other people might want to not walk home alone, etc.

I personally walk home alone through all kinds of crazy places, but I'm not comfortable judging others who wouldn't. It's a very personal decision.

I also think it depends on lifestyle. If you normally drive to most places and would always drive on an evening out, then it seems a bit more shocking to walk home alone. WHereas if you use a lot of public transport or iare accustomed to walking alot, then walking home is more of a habit.

I'd certainly walk home on my own, no question. It does seem a bit precious and confrontation-seeking to drag someone out of a party, make him put on all his outer clothes, etc just for a five-minute walk with lots of people about. There's a danger that looking for tests of affection has the effect of cooling affection.

That's a good point Branching

I wouldn't have a problem with going home alone, and if I felt unsafe I would have got a taxi.

If not taxi was available and I genuinely felt unsafe, then yes I would ask DP or a friend to walk me home. (doesn't really happen but then I don't go skiing)

I think the issue here is you felt unsafe, your DH knew this and still he wouldn't take 30 minutes to see you home safely and get back to the bar. If you could get a taxi, then fair enough. If you couldn't and had to walk alone, feeling frightened/unsafe then he is being nasty not to help you out/consider your feelings.

In the very unlikely event that I would want to leave a pub (or whatever) early I wouldn't dream of asking dh to walk me home, and he wouldn't offer.
I certainly wouldn't be holding a grudge over it.
Tbh if dh made me leave a night out to walk him home I would be a bit pissed off if I felt obliged to do that. We don't get to go out that often (once or twice a month alone, once a month together), if I was having a great time, I wouldn't appreciate being made to leave early, and then getting the cold shoulder for not doing what was expected of me.
Surely it is your dh's holiday too? If you didn't want to walk alone you should wait for somebody who is ready to leave.

I think that location is relevant here. As BranchingOut says, and I agree, ski resorts are relatively very safe places from the point of view of violent crime. I am not much of a drinker and no night-clubber, but am happy that others in our group are, including my DH. For this reason I have often been in the OPs position.

In France, Austria and Canada in over 25 years of ski holidays, I've frequently walked back to chalets and hotels on my own, or rarely, with one other female. I've never felt vulnerable. Cold, yes, but never in danger! (DH always offers and I always decline, but if for whatever reason I wanted his company he'd willing walk me back.) Many times I've been walking alone in a ski resort at night and I can honestly say I've never felt uncomfortable. Most often, anyone you pass while walking home in the dark calls out 'bonne nuit!' or whatever.

Beryl do you think you were carrying abroad with you the negative associations of walking home at night in your home town? (I'm assuming you live in the UK, or a different country to the one where you were skiing?)

Still if a place is dangerous it is dangerous for everybody. The OP felt unsafe and her DH should have taken this into account. HOwever, she does not seem to be very worried about his safety.

I guess it is the way she was brought up to believe women are more vulnerable to attacks and need men to be with them in 'dangerous scenarios' where other men can attack her. If i was the OP (mainly if you have children) I would work a bit on all those sexist beliefs.

No doubt the husband was not nice at all. But I am not sure as others have suggested about the real problem here.

Not sure it is useful to compare, but my husband would have never left me alone just because it is quite exceptional for us to go out together without kids and we would find it bizarre to leave the other one behind. Sometimes he may go out with friends (me too) but out together for the night without kids and not coming back together for 2 nights in a row is strange in my opinion

DH would offer and I would refuse. He would insist that I phoned/text him when I got back though just to put his mind at rest. I'm another one who enjoys walking at night and he knows this (so in reality it would be a token offer!).
Having a go at you for leaving early is out of line though. You are a grown woman and perfectly capable of holding your hands up a saying "right, thats me for the night, you lot enjoy, I'm off to bed" i've done this many a time as I can't handle being sociable after about 11.30 and he has never had a go at me.

Beryl your DH sounds a bit mean for having a go at your about leaving early. However, I think you are being a bit precious about wanting to be walked back to your accommodation.

I don't know what kind of ski resort you were in that you thought you would be attacked at 10.30pm at night. I've been to alot of ski resorts & most of them are usually still busy at 10.30pm and full of well off people and ski resort workers. I'm sure that they are low risk for stranger attacks.

If you went on holiday with some girlfriends, would you have expected one of them to walk you back early? How do you cope when you go out on your own - do you always have someone walk you to a car or station? How did you manage before you were with your DH?

I wouldn't expect my dh to walk me home. He'd offer and I'd refuse. tbh I'm struggling to believe that you genuinely felt that unsafe since you've mentioned you've holidayed in ski resorts before. It sounds as though you were annoyed dh was staying out and you wanted to pull him away from the party.

As others, I wouldn't expect it, TBH, but I suspect not only my ex but current partner would offer to walk me home.
Or at least expect a call to let him know I was ok.

OK I think you are both BU.

You are talking of a ski resort here and my experience is that these are very safe places. Much safer than some fully lit town centers in the uk (I am thinking York, Manchester, Newcastle etc...) where imo it can be unsafe thanks to all the very heavy drinkers around.
Also you are a grown woman, and as such I would expect an adult to be able to take care of themselves.
So I can't see why you can't organize yourself to go back home on your own.

Your DH is also BU tbh. He is choosing to stay partying, he can't impose that choice on your (You are just a misery) or think it's ok to disturb you when coming back.
He is even more BU if he had expected you to come home with him if he hadn't wanted to stay!

Thanks too for those who noticed it wasn't in AIBU

I hadn't Sorry.

btw men have a high risk of being a victim of crime than women.

The bit that bothers me is "inevtitably vomits". Really? it is inevitable? That is not boisterous partying, that is dysfunctional.

I think being walked to the door of a restaurant is silly, either he is walking you home for good reason or he isn't cos you're fine on your own. the door of the restaurant makes you sound clingy. But drinking to the point of vomiting, "inevitably", makes him sound selfish and childish and like he has a drink problem of some sort. and drink problems do cause selfish and inconsiderate behaviour. Do you think he didn't want to walk you back because it was eating into his drinking time?

Beryl you're getting a bit of a pasteing here.

For what it's worth I wouldn't like to walk 20 mins alone in a strange ski resort , I have a crap sense of direction and could lose the car in a big car park never mind somewhere unfamiliar!

I think your dh was selfish to be miffed at you asking.