Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

[BerylStreep]

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. I would be livid if my DH stayed out getting drunk to the point of vomiting on a family holiday.
Presumably he's too hung over to help with the kids next day as well.
I also think a considerate partner would have offered to leave with you. I agree some sort of attack is extremely unlikely, but getting lost, slipping and injuring yourself, something like that is possible for both men and women.

The walking to the door was a private goodbye/goodnight thing surely. I think your dh has treated you very harshly but I also think that the discussion you need to have with him is not about him walking you home but about his complete lack of respect.

I think that you asking him to walk you home was about reconnecting with your dh for 10 minutes after spending a weekend surrounded by other people.

If I was in the exact same situation as you, and had asked dh to walk me back, then yes I would expect him to do so - and I'm sure he would.

I'm not a great fan of walking around on my own at night. I don't really know why, I have never been attacked or in a precarious situation. But nevertheless I don't always feel comfortable doing it.

For me it's about what you feel comfortable doing. If you don't feel comfortable doing something and your partner understands that, but belittles your feelings, then that is just horrible behaviour on their part. If I can help my partner in a situation that they are uncomfortable with then I am happy to help them how I can. That's part of being in a partnership isn't it?

I think (in my best talking to naughty children voice) that those of you taking a pop at Beryl because she doesn't feel comfortable walking home in the dark in a new place are being MEAN. It's her choice to behave in a way that makes her secure - and no one should knock that. Back off!
Equally Beryl, your husband should feel the same way and support you, especially after after you had explained to him how you felt.

DH would have walked me to the door for snogging purposes

Door of the restaurant I mean, not door of the apartment.

I am not surprised he was annoyed. I would have been annoyed

You are wrong inadream. A lone man is far more likely to be attacked at night than a lone woman. There are alot of statistics on this. Men attack other men, they rarely attack women they don't know and women are very rarely raped by people they don't know, especially in built up areas like ski resorts. The OP's safety concerns are unrealistic. Does she never go anywhere at night on her own? I know some women don't (my MIL was appalled I go out on my own "in the dark" ie after 4 in winter) but I thought it was an old lady thing.
Her husband however behaved like an inconsiderate idiot on his return home. If you like coming home early and your husband likes staying late then you need to discuss how you are both going to manage this for the rest of the holiday. A taxi is a possibility, or spending the early part of the evening nearer the hotel. It sounds as though you both had different expectations of this group holiday that you didn't discuss.

If you want to minimise your chances of being raped you shouldn't have got married.

The walk isn't a big deal, if you were so concerned call a cab.

He shouldn't have given you a hard time for leaving early but I suspect this bitching from you is a passive aggressive way of giving him one for staying so you're both unreasonable.

2rebecca thanks for the statistics - although the OP would still have had less chance of being attacked/raped if she and her DH walked home together than if either of them walked home on their own. So she would still have been safer walking with him surely? Anyway she was understandably a bit nervous which is not totally crazy (if she refused to go to her local shop in daylight in an area she was used to then I would say she was being seriously paranoid but a woman not wanting to walk home alone in an unfamiliar area late at night is not totally unreasonable - in my opinion anyway).

I do go out after 4 on my own in the winter (!!) but I wouldn't want to walk home alone in an area I didn't know late at night.

bamboozled - the OP asked for opinions! Offering opinions is not being mean, it is doing what was asked.

But presumably inadreamworld you would mind about your husband walking back alone because of you, wouldn't you?
My husband is not white and has been the victim in the past of racist attack, so perhaps my views are biased, but I would always be more worried about him walking alone in the night than about myself. I have been with other men and I have never felt I was more vulnerable to attacks than a man alone. Statistics confirm my perception.
I think this kind of threads can be useful for some women to question this irrational fears that make them believe that they are 'safer' with a man escorting them (but then are appealled by countries not allowing women wandering by themselves anywhere)

Lots of women have been attacked with their boyfriends.

It depends on where the danger comes from, but we cannot know that, otherwise we'd be safe anyway. :o

Walking with a man may actually give a false sense of security and they may be less aware of their surroundings than one person, alone.

The greatest advantage in walking with a man is that the man can try to fend off an attacker while the selfish woman runs to safety.

US statistics on street crime:
'Males are victimized more than females, but not by much (18.4 vs. 15.8) per thousand. There are big differences per crime category; more men are victims of robbery and serious assault, the rates for simple assault are virtually identical, more women are raped.'

I think being raped is more invasive and threatening than most other forms of assault. You could get HIV, STDs etc. which is a huge lifelong impact.

Why take the risk? I would definitely feel safer with another person around. And if dh is there, he would be the natural choice.

I do think OP is getting a hard time. It is fine to say "I am a woman, hear me roar" if you have a gun or another weapon or martial arts training. But if the bravado about going out alone at night is just based on optimism, well, then in my opinion, it is a foolish risk.

I did just this two weeks ago. That is, walk twenty minutes through a ski resort at about 2300 back to our hotel. Guess what, I was perfectly fine.
My husband did the same about 40 minutes later. Guess what, he was fine too.
Not conclusive obviously, but most people are fine most of the time, aren't they? I think you're overreacting.
I've walked through streets at night off and on since I was a student, about 35 years, and it can be quite nice. That's not to say I would walk alone ANYWHERE, but you can be selective. The only times I've ever been touched up was in city Turkey (Ankara and Istanbul) and I was with a crowd of other people on both occasions.

I think its a bit daft to assume leaving the house alone= rape, otherwise everyone would live in a constant state of rape sexual assault, and that a huge amount of the population are hiding out waiting out to rape someone on their own which is also not true.

Unless you live in the congo, that level of hysteria is just ridiculous, it just is.

However your DH was a bit insensitive to belittle your feelings like that.

I wouldn't expect my dh to walk me home at all, unless we were somewhere so dangerous neither of us felt safe alone in which case we'd have to leave wherever we were at the same time, if a place is that dangerous he shouldn't go out again after seeing me home then home again on his own.

I do not feel more vulnerable than him in the streets in the UK or in any ski resort... maybe in North Africa or some parts of Asia where there's well known harassment of lone women, but nowhere in Europe or N America.

OP - do you travel around alone in the UK?

The group of people you're on hols with sound hard work. I don't ski but I like outdoorsy active holidays - I'd be quite bored with people who were only there for maximum boozing. Seems a waste to pay out for a ski holiday if all they want to do is drink to excess.

Sounds like you wanted different things and neither would meet the other half-way.

Perhaps he made you go home alone because he hoped you'd stay out and by the time you'd had words, pride wouldn't let him walk you home - 'cos men think weird thoughts like that!!!

6 of one, half a dozen of the other. You know whether your DH is a selfish arse or not! Hope you work things out.

I wouldn't expect him to walk me home, but he would insist on it. He will pick me up from places on foot or in the car rather than let me walk home or get a late bus - but he is extremely risk averse and would rather put himself out than risk something happening to me. He'd do the same for a friend too (probably not for one of his huge male friends), not just his wife, because he's extremely generous. Not everyone is like this and it's perfectly reasonable to let your female partner walk home on her own if she wants to and feels safe to. I do think DH is more likely to run into trouble than me, being a small, non-white man.

From your OP it sounds like there are far more underlying issues than just whether or not it's acceptable for a man to 'let' a woman walk home alone. You sound precious for insisting he walk you to the restaurant door, and him just shrugging you off and turning back to the person he's talking to when you announce you're leaving is disrespectful and dismissive. Seems like there's a lot of point scoring going on between you rather than open communication and affection.

The problem is not that Beryl was worried about walking home, it is that her DH didn't give a shit, called her names, moaned and also woke her up by being selfish and inconsiderate.

And with regards her being worried, I wonder where she got the idea about that? It's not as if we are ever told it is unsafe for women to walk around alone, is it? Because that would be irrational.

Avoid being raped
Sunderland
Waltham Forest
Herts Police
Bristol
Dorset

The list is endless. And these are the police issuing these warnings and they have all the facts and figures. Is it really any wonder that women worry about this stuff? We are supposed to. The media and police are telling us to worry all the time. It doesn't matter whether it is true, they still like to tell us it is.

I think the fact that women are a lot more likely to get yelled at in the street by men showing off to their friends makes them feel a bit more vulnerable in general, even if they are less likely than men to actually be attacked.

Yes Casting. That too. It doesn't have to be assault to make you feel vulnerable. We get lots of messages from lots of different sources about feeling vulnerable. Some people can shrug these off, others can't. Whilst those messages are out there it really isn't unreasonable for women to worry. But I am pleased that some people can shrug these messages off and aren't limiting their lifestyle because of it.

My other half would insist, as with my mum living on the river 5 mins from the local when we meet up for a drink he always insists walking her home letting the dogs out etc
I think its the 'I'm a man and I can protect' thing

I would be pissed off if he wasn't worried for my safety as I know I would be shitting my self walking alone late at night!