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Original poster

Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

211 replies

BerylStreep · 15/01/2013 09:13

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/01/2013 18:06

so it is a matter of either put up or shut up

Or kick him to the kerb

Just sayin' that there is a third option.....

deleted203 · 15/01/2013 18:15

My DH would never expect me to walk 20 mins home on my own, because he was brought up to take care of women. TBH, neither would any of his friends. I would actually be fairly unworried about doing so, but I know that if I were heading off on a 20 min walk at night there isn't a bloke I know who wouldn't say 'Hang on, love, and I'll walk with you'. It's just what men do for women round here. DH is a great big bloke and he seems to think women should be taken care of (which is quite nice at times). He would have automatically walked ANY lone woman home who was leaving the party early to make sure she got there safely without it even occuring to him that she might walk on her own. I just read your OP to him and he said, 'What kind of dickhead lets his wife walk for 20 mins through snow on her own in a strange town?'.....

rubyrubyruby · 15/01/2013 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wilding · 15/01/2013 18:35

Think refusing to walk you home is a side issue really. Your DP sounds like a knob. Getting arsey with you because you wanted to go to bed, having a go at you, vomiting whenever he gets pissed

And as for the liver condition - so he can drink heavily but can't do housework? Hmm What a catch. Don't you think you're worth more than that?

izzyizin · 15/01/2013 18:38

However the bottom line is that at the moment I am feeling hollow and sad, and questioning the state of my marriage. Not just over whether DH walks me home, but more fundamental issues about respect, caring and how we relate to each other.

It seems that what happened on your skiing break has given you cause to take a long hard look at the state of your relationship and, in light of the additional information you've provided, I've revised my opinion and no longer think you were being at all unreasonable in expecting him to, at the very least, offer to walk you back the hotel before he carried on partying.

May I suggest you start a new thread which could serve to help you (and us) give consideration to the bigger picture, Beryl?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 15/01/2013 19:00

OP, I think if this thread had a different title then you would have got different responses. The title suggests that the not walking you home bit was the biggest thing and understandably, lots of people do manage a 20 min walk alone and some find it preferable to being chaperoned. However the moodiness, the complaining, the 'inevitable' vomiting, the heavy drinking, the being mad at you for wanting to leave early, to my mind are much more indicative of him not caring all that much.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 15/01/2013 19:01

I think the fact that you honed in on the walking home bit and that you said the vomiting was inevitable might indicate that you are putting up with a lot of shit without even realising.

BertieBotts · 15/01/2013 19:04

Oh OP I'm sorry :( I blundered in with the not needing to be walked home angle and completely forgot that if you feel unsafe, it's bloody insensitive of him to insist you go alone, let alone all of the other issues that are obviously bothering you?

Sugarice · 15/01/2013 19:13

How were things before the trip Beryl

Flatbread · 15/01/2013 19:21

Really sorry, Beryl. Do you want to talk? We are here for you.

Writehand · 15/01/2013 19:27

Sounds possible to me that your DH is more interested in booze than your welfare. Maybe I'm right off track. You'll know whether this could be true. Does access to alcohol matter more than it should to him?

Some people might describe him as a party animal. Another version might be that it's his chance to get drunk and he's not giving it up for anyone. In which case what you're picking up on is a bit more serious than a walk home.

Just a thought.

Writehand · 15/01/2013 19:42

Sorry to post twice so soon but, OP, I've just re-read one of your posts and it strikes me that if he's got any kind of liver condition then my suspicion that what's making you sad and lonely is that your DH either has or is developing a booze problem is stronger than it was. It's famously lonely living with an addict. They can't be fully available to you, drunk or sober.

You often come across groups of people who drink heavily together -- by hanging out with people who do the same they normalise it. It's a way of conning themselves that what they're doing is just fun rather than any sort of problem. Any threat to their drinking makes them very defensive. It's not their drinking fun that's the problem, they say, it's you being a killjoy. Am I ringing any bells?

Original poster
BerylStreep · 15/01/2013 21:48

Guys thanks. Have had too much of a flaming here, but will maybe start another thread sometime.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/01/2013 21:54

I think Write has a point. Perhaps he didnt want you to stay and have fun so much as leave and remind him that he shouldnt be staying out getting mullered either.

bamboozled · 15/01/2013 21:56

Sorry you are having a horrid time x

EugenesAxe · 15/01/2013 22:00

Beryl - with the benefit of your back story, and assuming your DH knew all about these attacks, I don't think you were being precious.

Your DH with the liver condition that I'm not that surprised by and being unable to help... feeble, really. I hope you get to a good place after all your musing & sorry if my comments hurt.

curryeater · 15/01/2013 22:09

sorry you feel sorry and sad. sorry if i hurt you when i said you seemed clingy. of course you should be able to have a private conversation with your husband, he was unacceptably rude to you. hope you are ok.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 15/01/2013 22:19

i wouldnt expect mine too but he would cause he's lovely like that

i want to see twilight a film last year that ended at 2am and he walked all the way into town, which is a 40min walk, just to walk me back

tbh my dm would have murdered him if he hadnt Grin

HollyBerryBush · 15/01/2013 22:23

I wouldnt expect him to, I know he would. You see, I'm my DHs most prized asset (ikky I know) and he would move heaven and earth to make sure I'm safe - but then again he's the most important thing in my life too.

Then again, not quite being in our dotage, we were both brought up with similar values of what is and isn't correct behaviour/etiquette, what ever you want to call it. Yes I'm capable of walking home alone, but in marriage, you tend to look out for each other.

AKA Derek and Mavis

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 15/01/2013 23:50

I can't believe how self righteous so many posters are being here with all their strong independant women who does not need looking after crap. You have had a totally undeserved pasting from them.

My DH would have walked me home, no question, where ever we were. I work lates sometimes and have to park a fair way from our house, access is through a dark alley. I text DH that I am leaving and he will get up out of bed to come and meet me at the car. I know the risk is low, so does he, but he also knows I am terrified on my own in the dark, of ghouls and zombies and lions and tigers and bears oh my anything really.

Yes, it's an irrational fear(but who cares about statistics, some poor souls have to be that small percent), so are a lot of other fears, that is irrelevant. What matters is that your DH knew you were upset at having to do it and he didn't care.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 16/01/2013 00:05

I think if he knew you would feel scared then yes, he was being an arse. It really doesn't matter if your fear was justified or not.

However, I think it would do you good to post in relationships sometime soon as I think you probably need a bit of a chat about your relationship in general - don't you?

feministefatale · 16/01/2013 06:31

Dh would have offered to walk me home

rubyrubyruby · 16/01/2013 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snog · 16/01/2013 07:13

Your dh is not behaving in a loving respectful way imo.
My dh would have walked me home then probably returned to the party if I didn't mind being left alone in the hotel.

Original poster
BerylStreep · 16/01/2013 08:01

chipping I did post in Relationships! I'm happy to hear different opinions, but was a bit Hmm to be told I was bitching, being PA and a helpless princess.

I have spoken to DH. He says he's sorry. But he always does. Until the next time he behaves PA towards me and makes it clear he dislikes me.

OP posts:
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