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Original poster

Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

211 replies

BerylStreep · 15/01/2013 09:13

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 16/01/2013 08:06

I'm sorry you felt you had a hard time here.
It's difficult to answer a thread without any knowledge of what has gone on previously. I think a lot of people answer based on their own relationships, I am the more social person in our relationship so DH has often left me at parties or clubs and I have never given it too much thought, he always texts me when he is home.
I wouldn't mind walking home alone but I haven't had awful experiences like you have which must affect how you feel about this.

I walk our dogs fairly often in the dark so walking in the dark doesn't bother me but if your H is well aware of your feelings and experiences, then IMHO, he should have been more understanding and yes, he should have walked you home, rather than leaving you to walk alone, scared.

Also, I think if you had already told him the night before how you felt, he should definitley have agreed to leave on the second night when you were ready rather than ignoring you.

Letsmakecookies · 16/01/2013 08:22

You did ask in your OP if you were being precious! But agreed you did not deserve the flaming at all, and if the focus had been less of this particular example and more about his behaviour and how you felt the answers would have been very different.

If you expect this behaviour to repeat and for him to act as though he dislikes you, then you have a problem in your relationship. Are you going to wait until that happens, or are you going to try and do something about it? Perhaps couples counselling, or repost with more about your relationship and his behaviour. I totally missed the post about his liver? Is he a heavy drinker, or does it have another cause? Guessing the first if he vomits when he's been out.

Sorry you have felt under attack, I hope you do feel able to post again and get the feedback you need.

bamboozled · 16/01/2013 08:23

My husband was the same, I'm happy to man up to most things, but I am really uncomfortable walking in the dark. He expected (insisted), knowing full well how I felt, that even when heavily pregnant, I should take our dog down a dark alley last thing at night so she wouldn't pee on his precious grass...
Only managed to stop doing it by making up a story about meeting a drunk who came after me...
Needless to say, he's not my husband any more :-). Not just because of that, obviously but it is indicative of the support and care in our relationship -or lack of.
Now have a lovely DH who while rolling his eyes at me over the dark thing, wouldn't dream of letting me down like that.

seeker · 16/01/2013 08:26

If you had given the vital background information in the original post, the response would have been very different. You can't post in a way that makes you sound like a pampered princess, then get upset because people didn't know by some psychic process thar your personal history makes you particularly, and understandably, inclined to be fearful.

In the circumstances, yes of course he should have walked you back.

porridgelover · 16/01/2013 08:30

Beryl. I think you have got a flaming here because there were 2 points to your OP which got mixed together.
The issue about being walked home....well thats really a personal thing isn't it? Some women wont feel they need a companion, some will.
Neither side is right or wrong.

The second point is the one I think you need support on...which is that it's your choice and you are entitled to be supported on it. By your 'D'Husband.

He doesnt sound respectful or caring for you. From anything you've said.

Hope you feel OK and if you want (another thread) to discuss it, there's lots of support here.

bamboozled · 16/01/2013 08:36

Bloody hell - there's nothing like kicking somewhen when they are down is there...you can't post in a way that makes you sound like a pampered princess then get upset
Even after she has pointed out that she asked for opinions but wasn't expecting to be flamed.
Everyone is scared/intimidated by something and not to respect that is heartless.

bamboozled · 16/01/2013 08:39

Or even someone..

Original poster
BerylStreep · 16/01/2013 08:45

Sorry, I didn't intend to drip feed.

OP posts:
pictish · 16/01/2013 08:49

Actually, none of us have to respect anyone's fears.
Some fears are irrational.

To many of us, the OP's fear is just that. Irrational,

She is a grown up, she can take it.
And if she can't, that's not our problem.

Sorry to sound harsh...but really!

Sugarice · 16/01/2013 08:51

seeker that's a little harsh to use 'pampered princess' in your post.

I don't like to walk alone in the dark and I'm no pampered princess either!

pictish · 16/01/2013 08:51

And while saying that, I do empathise with this thread...it is obviously about the bigger picture. x

Hullygully · 16/01/2013 08:54

I haven't rtft

Surely the only important fact is not about the walking or the reasons, but the fact that kindness, love and manners means that if you ask him to walk you home, he does it from love, and because he is your friend. It is something you felt necessary and he should understand that. Just as you would accede to a request from him out of love, of course.

Manners, friendship and love.

That's what we need.

Hullygully · 16/01/2013 08:55

I am guessing from the few posts above I have seen that you have reason for fear. Me too, my dh knows that and would get out of bed to come and meet me if necessary rather than have me scared. As I would for him.

Hullygully · 16/01/2013 08:57

I've read more now

kill him

JustAHolyFool · 16/01/2013 09:04

I would not expect him to at all. He might do it, if he wanted to, just as I might walk back with him. If I asked him to, I think he probably would though.

I can totally understand that some women don't feel safe doing this. That's fine for them. But I really don't feel like I should live my life being scared that something bad will happen to me.

bamboozled · 16/01/2013 09:05

I'm with Hully on posts 1, 2 and 3!

Original poster
BerylStreep · 16/01/2013 09:18

Just had a row discussion with DH. I told him our marriage is in serious difs. He doesn't see it.

Funny, during the course of our discussion he mentioned the last time we managed to get away. Last year in Paris he had severe v&d and I spent 24 hrs with him in a tiny room looking after him, getting medication etc. it feels a bit one sided.

OP posts:
Original poster
BerylStreep · 16/01/2013 09:21

And now he is blaming the rest of the group for his behaviour. He says he felt under pressure to stay out and drink.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 16/01/2013 09:28

Is he so easily led that he couldnt say "Thanks but no thanks"? So first it was your fault, then it was their fault, do we ever believe that it will transpire that it was actually his fault? No, thought not.

He is either a pathetic sheep or a fucking liar. Neither of whom I would want to be with.

Bogeyface · 16/01/2013 09:28

Have you mentioned the "too ill to help in the house but not too ill to ski and get pissed" problem yet?

Hullygully · 16/01/2013 09:35

Beryl, here is some advice from an old person that you may take or disregard as you see fit.

Even if he comes round and says "Yes, you're right darling heart, I have been an utter arse and it's all going to change" - it won't.

People are what they are and he is self-centred and selfish and that will remain.

Life is long and hard, but easier if you walk through it with a friend. You need someone who is your friend and on your side and looks out for you because they want to, not because they've been made to.

PostBellumBugsy · 16/01/2013 09:52

Oh Beryl, so sorry to read your second post, with more details. It sounds like there is alot more going on than just a one off walk home alone.

I second everything that Hully says in her last post. That neatly sums up why my ex-H (who behaved just like your DH) is my ex-H of 10 years now!

I hope you can work something out.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 16/01/2013 09:52

I suppose the point is that you shouldnt need to tell him twice that you need support. Regardless of what it is you need support with IYSWIM

hully is spot on. Selfish people are just that-selfish. Its your fault, its his friends fault, its the dogs fault, its anyones fault but his.

FeistyLass · 16/01/2013 09:54

Hullygully you're very wise Smile

Hullygully · 16/01/2013 09:55

I'm old, feisty