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Original poster

Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

211 replies

BerylStreep · 15/01/2013 09:13

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

OP posts:

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 15/01/2013 09:38

If you were that worried, get a taxi.

seeker · 15/01/2013 09:39

"Being very blunt, I was worried about being attacked / raped / sexually assaulted."

Really? Why?

HotBurrito1 · 15/01/2013 09:39

Can't you compromise and stay out late together some nights and come home early together other nights for a shag?

porridgelover · 15/01/2013 09:42

It seems to me that there are 2 things here.
Regarding getting home on my own; I would do that no problem. Even in a strange place, I am as capable as my partner of working out the safest possible way home.
If I am really worried, then the discussion about safely getting home is one to have before you go out.

But the second thing has to do with respect and caring in a relationship. I wouldn't accept someone can come crashing in, turning on all the lights, waking me....if he chooses to stay out later, then he can come in quietly. Hope you crashed around the morning after to make your point.
If I was really worried about walking home, I would expect him to come with me, or to help me get a taxi....anything really that indicates an understanding of my concerns (even illogical ones).
On the same point, if I say I'm leaving it wouldn't kill him to pause his conversation and walk me out, would it?

He doesn't sound respectful or caring from what you've posted.

pictish · 15/01/2013 09:43

From my pov I think yabu.
I have never needed a bloke to see me safely home, and I'm not about to start needing one now.
If I wanted to leave early, I would see it as my decision and therefore my responsibility. It wouldn't occur to me to expect dh to leap up and see me home. I'm a grown up, and he isn't my daddy.

pictish · 15/01/2013 09:44

Oh and statistically speaking, men are far more likely to be attacked than women.
Seeing as your dh would have to walk back alone, then he is more at risk than you by a long shot.

Kiriwawa · 15/01/2013 09:46

No I wouldn't - I'm an adult. Your DH is statistically more likely to assault you than a random bloke in a freezing cold ski resort

dreamingbohemian · 15/01/2013 09:47

I think you are slightly BU to expect/insist that he walk you home. The chance of anything happening to you is tiny. Although perhaps something has happened to you in the past to make you extra worried about it, which is understandable.

But I think your DH is BU to be such an arse about it. It's not really such a huge hardship for him to do it. And even if he really didn't want to go, he should be nicer about it.

Perhaps see it as a lesson learned and avoid this particular type of holiday in future? It sounds a lot of fun for him, less so for you.

Original poster

BerylStreep · 15/01/2013 09:47

I stayed out late the following night, but tbh only really because I felt a bit pressurised by DH calling me a misery guts, and I was worried the rest of the group thought the same. I really suffered the next day for it.

I spoke to the others in the group after the first night and apologised for leaving early, and explained I was really tired and couldn't manage staying up that late. They seemed fine about it.

There were no taxis to be had.

OP posts:

TantrumsAndBalloons · 15/01/2013 09:47

Would you have walked your dh back home if he wanted to leave early?

I agree, the crashing around when he got back was not on at all, but expecting to be walked home because you had enough, even though dh wanted to stay seems a bit odd.
My dh has left me at parties and clubs with friends because he is tired or has to work the next day. He texts me when he gets home, Ive never taken him home and then came back.

DuchessFanny · 15/01/2013 09:48

Other way round for us i think. DH would INSIST on walking me back and i'd INSIST that i was fine on my own ... we actually row that i worry about him getting back safely from a night out as he has been known to get a bit carried away and i worry about him ( he once fell and hit his head and was knocked unconscious ) but he says it's rubbish and he's fine and it's more dangerous for me ....

izzyizin · 15/01/2013 09:48

More especially if you're travelling with a group who are into partying, apres ski is a huge part of a winter sports holiday.

If you go away with them again I suggest you pace yourself. 6.30pm is, to my mind, far too early to meet up for drinks after a day on the piste - after a hot bath I get some zzz's in before dining at c8pm or later and dancing the night away.

It seems to me you were a tad precious to expect your dh to leave the warm fun and venture out into the snow & ice in order to walk you home. Had he done it the first time, that'd be 40+ minutes of laughs he'd have missed out on and, if you had any concern about walking alone at night, no doubt you could have got a taxi or sleigh ride back to your hotel.

FWIW, if I'm leaving a group/party early I don't expect anyone to escort to me the door.

SantasENormaSnob · 15/01/2013 09:49

Dh would walk me home no issues.

Tbh though, if we were away with pals I would be pissed off if he insisted on going home early every night.

Ahhhcrap · 15/01/2013 09:49

I'm a grown woman and would walk myself home and wouldn't expect him to leave his friends to walk me, if you are worried about safety then get a taxi , do yabu

But... If I did decide to go home I wouldn't expect him to call me a misery, and I'd also expect him to be quiet when he got in. To me it's about a bit of give and take on both sides

supergreenuk · 15/01/2013 09:50

I'm in a relationship where one of us is the tired one and the other gets fed up and frustrated because of it. I understand he just wants to have fun on holiday and wants to let his hair down and stay out late. In my situation though my husband wouldn't let me walk home alone. We would almost certainly stick together though. If one wanted to stay out late we both would and then another night we would go home early together. It's give and take.
Maybe let your hair down and prepare for a late night with him. It's not right to do things apart.

MusicalEndorphins · 15/01/2013 09:52

Yanbu.
I think he was very unchivalrous not walking you, his wife home. And then when he did arrive home later on he, acted like a boorish oaf.

badtasteflump · 15/01/2013 09:52

Your DH was being an arse.

In that situation would say I was fine on my own, but DH would insist on walking with me. He is quite old fashioned in a chivalrous kind of way and actually I don't mind that at all. I never get to carry the shopping bags either

AgentProvocateur · 15/01/2013 09:53

I wouldn't expect DH to walk me home, because I am an adult, but he probably would anyway. But if I go out with friends, we all walk home alone in different directions and text when we get home.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 15/01/2013 09:53

My DP and I have a rule when we go out which is 'we go together and we leave together' no questions asked.

BUT if for any reason I was in your situation , my DP would have walked me back regardless of if I wanted him to or not.

TheSmallPrint · 15/01/2013 09:54

I would absolutely expect DH to walk me back but I wouldn't need to ask him tbh. I wouldn't mind if he wanted to go back out though.

pictish · 15/01/2013 09:55

It's not right to do things apart.

Nonsense! It's not right to be joined at the hip. You are two individuals after all.

funnypeculiar · 15/01/2013 09:55

I think there are a couple of things happening here:

different expectations of the holiday - you anticipated a family holiday schedule but with mates, he anticipated a pre-kids-piss-up. You're both disapointed the other didn't share your view
Therefore, there's a lack of partnership going on. Yes, dh would offer to take me home, but I'd want him to enjoy himself with his mates (& am less safety conscious than he is) so would say no. Seems to me both of you are feeling hard done by, so thinking about what you want, not what's best for the other/both partners.

inadreamworld · 15/01/2013 09:56

My DH is same as yours badtaste - old fashioned and would definitely not let me walk home alone. I would be very unhappy if i were in the OP's position and it would make me feel as if he didn't care.

Women are more likely to be attacked/raped than men. Men and women are equal but different and I don't want chivalry to be dead!!!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 15/01/2013 09:58

If you are so paranoid that you can't walk 20 minutes back to a hotel at a busy time of night without thinking you will get attacked then I think thats what you need to work on tbh. I'd never expect anyone to walk me home (and I wouldn't expect to be walked to the door either), I make my own choices and don't expect others to pander to them.

Original poster

BerylStreep · 15/01/2013 10:00

If DH wanted to leave early he would have expected me to leave with him, and tbh it wouldn't occur to me to tell him to go home on his own.

Although I know some of the group, we haven't been away with them before, and it was a bit of a culture shock for me - me & DH hit the slopes hard, and would ski most of the day, only stopping briefly for coffee or lunch. Instead, this trip the group stopped after the first run for several drinks. Lots more drink at lunch, then skied home for more drink at the bottom of the piste, then straight home to get changed and head out for the evening. Lovely people, and very very funny, but I just can't keep up with it.

OP posts:

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