Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

[BerylStreep]

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

Abigail,
You are totally right, but that is an additional reason to try not to repeat the pattern. I would not want my children to grow up thinking men have to walk women home as a rape prevention measure.
Not sure people in general are trying to be mean. As I said this kind of threads are useful to dismantle this terrible messge of women needing a man to walk outside the door.

And I have no idea why all these people are having a go at you for wanting your husband to walk you home...
Any of you have daughters how would you feel if there boyfriend let them walk 20 minutes in a strange place in the dark... To get pissed with his mates?!?!

I would feel more worried about my daughter/or son (I have both) being the person escorting someone else sober at 11 pm to do the same journey alone but much drunker 4 hours later.

Otherwise, if they were enjoying a holiday together and one of them needed to get pissed every night rather than spending extra time together I would seriously worried about the state of their relationship but I don't think that would make a difference.

Walking with someone else is only one of the recommended actions.

I wonder if the OP has taken the trouble to learn basic self defence moves for exemple.

(and why was Joanna Yates case in the list???)

We would negotiate a leaving time and leave together. If DH was up for a late one, he would have seen me home first, especially in a foreign country where we didn't know the score. At home I'd have the car.

But the issue is clearly that there has been some major miscommunication between the OP and her DH. It's more risky for men and women alike to walk home alone at night - in a partnership, most people prefer to head home together from a night out, especially if it involves walking in an unfamiliar place in the dark. If you've agreed beforehand that one of you wants to stay out longer than the other, that's fair enough, but you should both know and care how and when the other is getting home, surely?

I have to be honest if my otherhalf acted like this I would lock him out of the room

I think it is a lot to ask for individual women to go against years of conditioning. Some can, some can't. It is not their fault they have been given these messages. It is not their fault that they are abiding by them.

"but you should both know and care how and when the other is getting home, surely?" Precisely Casting, and her husband didn't care.

Lueji - "Police investigating the murder of Joanna Yeates have advised local women not to walk home alone after dark " in the first paragraph.

Interesting point about how would you feel if it was your daughter walking home alone. My DS is a second year student and at Xmas the subject of walking home alone came up in conversation.
His take was that as there had been a student attacked in their uni city a year earlier, he and his male friends always insist on walking female friends home, or putting them up on the sofa in their shared (male & female) house, if they are at home. The whole group are pretty adamant that no one should be walking on their own, particulary a woman. I was very struck by how strongly they felt about this.

It seems to me your husband is either "easily led" or lacking backbone.

If I wanted to leave, my dh would leave with me. There would be no question of me walking home alone or him staying out drinking.

Abigail no, it doesn't sound like he did, at all. His behaviour was horrible and unacceptable, even if he was just trying to get back at her for some other reason.

You may be right Abigail, but she asked if we would expect DHs to walk us home and we have answered what we expect from our partners. It is very clear in general that the husband did not care at all about her feelings and he seems to be quite a nasty guy more worried about having an extra pint than enjoying time with his wife.
I would be beyond angry with my husband for this. I cannot even imagine this happening in the context of joint holidays to be honest. And many individual women (me included) change their perception of what is normal or not reading other women's experience in here

NewFerry that's exactly what it was like a my uni. Even on campus, the boys always insisted on walking the girls back to their halls from the union bar - they'd all go in a group together, drop her home and head back to the bar. They looked after the girls far better than they looked after themselves (always getting into fights, ending up paralytic etc.) The message from the uni was very much "girls should not walk anywhere alone at night." There was no "boys, stop punching each other and giving yourselves liver damage"!

It's true, I did ask for opinions. I did also ask not to be flamed.

I have seen first hand professionally the impact of attacks on people when out and about. Talking about statistics for those individuals is meaningless, when their lives have been ruined. I have a close relative who still suffers from the trauma she experienced from being attacked and attempted raped when she was walking home in a well lit area at night.

To answer someone's question, I don't go walking on my own in the dark. I wouldn't even feel that comfortable walking or cycling on my own in isolated areas during daylight hours. A woman was attacked and raped at knife-point at the park 1/2 mile away from my home about 3 months ago. A number of years ago I was attacked by a group of about 10 male youths when I was cycling and they tried to pull me off my bike - in daylight on a busy street. On the rare occasion in which I have been out on my own after dark, I have felt intimidated by men shouting and cat-calling. If I am out with friends, the rule is that you never leave someone to go home alone, even if it means taking a taxi out of the way. Perhaps those are sexist or pathetic views, but they are views based upon experience.

In the event, I did walk the 20 minute walk home alone the first night with no untoward consequences. There's every possibility that I could do it 100 times and nothing happen, but it's not something I feel comfortable or happy about. DH knows this, and in fact it would be him suggesting that it's not a good idea to go cycling by myself, so he is happy to suggest I shouldn't wander the streets on my own, except when it interrupts his drinking with his new found friends.

Asking him to walk me to the door of the restaurant was not clingy - it was with the intention of a private conversation with him, and tbh I was a bit shocked that having given him advance notice that I would be leaving, he hardly bothered to even say goodbye. It's probably as much to do with the message that DH was giving me, as it was about my concern for walking home.

Contrary to how I may be coming across, I wasn't a misery guts who wouldn't join in - I had joined in the socialising all day, but just couldn't manage it for much longer. The irony is that it is my DH who has a liver condition which he claims makes him tired and unable to help around the house.

Thanks for most all of your opinions. However the bottom line is that at the moment I am feeling hollow and sad, and questioning the state of my marriage. Not just over whether DH walks me home, but more fundamental issues about respect, caring and how we relate to each other.

Yanbu for taking precautions when walking home alone at night.

Poor you. IMO its not about personal safety, but where you fit into his priorities. My DP would have left with me and me with him, if he wanted to leave early - we are a couple and we put each other first

Even though I don't think it was necessary for him to walk you back, I think ignoring you when you were about to leave was out of line. If my partner (hypothetical partner, as I'm single ) was leaving a restaurant I would never turn away from them when they said they were going and deliberately ignore them. That's being rude on purpose.

I was also shit scared all the while I was walking home. I must have looked like a right wally as I walked at full pelt, looking straight ahead and trying to look like no-one should mess with me.

Beryl, sorry you're feeling so pissed off now. .

In fact the more I think about it, I think that my DH knew I would be really scared and upset to walk home alone, and that he was being deliberately passive aggressive towards me. He did tell me the next day that he was really annoyed with me for leaving early.

I have NCed because I find this a bit triggering.

First, Beryl, I can see that the problems in your relationship go deeper than a walk home. The point was he didn?t care about how you felt. Not the first time, when you went alone, nor the second time, when he huffily joined you.

Secondly, yes, I would expect a partner to at least ask if I wanted company, and later know me well enough not to have to ask.

Thirdly, I have a friend who hates to be walked home. She finds it patronising. I hate being left alone if I don?t feel safe. So my choice is different.

Finally: I can only say that statistics are not much use when you are being attacked yourself. I can see from your later post that you?ve had direct experience of it yourself.

When it happens to you, it strips away that veneer of confidence and personal safety that many of us have. For example, you think it won?t happen to you. But it has. You think you?ll be able to handle it. You haven?t (necessarily). You think adrenaline will make you strong and angry. But it rendered you weak, and shaking uncontrollably. You think you will be able to use your self defence moves. But your attacker moved too fast, and it wasn?t like it was in class. You think people will come and help you. But they ran away, or averted their eyes.

I?m not saying it always happens like this, just that it can (it did): and you get less of a say in the outcome than you might think.

In addition, these things tend to have a lasting impact. In the same way you might tell a woman ?you shouldn?t be afraid of relationships if your ex-husband abused you? ? that is completely true ? but the fear tends to show itself nonetheless.

Of course you shouldn?t avoid everything because of a low risk event. That would be daft. The point is that a low risk event can be a high impact event.

For example, it?s extremely unlikely your house will burn down. But we all have smoke alarms. You?re unlikely to crash your car. But if you do, it can be catastrophic ? so we use seatbelts and buy cars with airbags. The point is that it isn?t hard to mediate a low risk, high impact event like that, so we do, and no-one thinks we?re fussing about nothing.

When it comes to personal safety it has to be a personal decision. We have to judge ourselves and the situation as we see fit. If you feel happy or unhappy to walk alone in the dark, there is not a problem with either choice.

It?s not fair to judge another person for choosing differently.

Beryl, I?m sorry you feel so awful, and I can quite understand why.

ItCanHappen - thank you - I am so sorry you have been through that.

The thing is, my DH can be lovely, but he can be selfish. And passive aggressive.

I'm unlikely to be able to change him, so it is a matter of either put up or shut up.

His liver condition means he cant do housework but he can ski all weekend and knock back shots to the point where he is vomitting?

Not being walked home is the least of your issues.

This guy is a selfish arsehole!