Would you expect your DH to walk you home after an evening out?

[BerylStreep]

Just been away with my DH and a group for a skiing holiday.

Others in the group are lovely, but very raucous and in to their partying in a big way! I just can't hack the pace. I'm happy to go out for a meal and a few drinks, but I don't have the stamina to party all night.

First night I ended up leaving the restaurant at 11.00pm, and my DH said he didn't want to go home & wanted to stay out, so I ended up walking the 20 min walk through the snow to the hotel on my own. I told him I was really unhappy at walking home on my own. DH phoned me about an hour later, and gave me a hard time for leaving early. He got back at about 2am and crashed drunkenly round the room, switching lights on. We discussed it the next day, and I told him how unhappy I was that I had been left to walk home on my own. He told me he thought I was being a misery guts.

The next night I told my DH in advance that I wouldn't be staying out super late, and would probably be leaving at around the same time. The restaurant was about 5-10 minutes away from the hotel this time. At about 10.30pm we had finished the meal about an hour beforehand, and people were still at the table, but just ordering more & more drink. We had met up for drinks at about 6.30pm, so had been out for 4 hours. I told DH that I was tired, and would probably be leaving in about 20 minutes. He said 'OK'. After 20 mins, I said I was ready to go home. He replied 'OK' then turned and started talking to the person next to him. I asked him was he not even going to walk me to the door, and he huffily got up and saw me to the door. Once there I told him that I couldn't believe he was once again happy for me to walk home on my own. I told him I couldn't make him walk me home, but that it was a measure of how much he cared about me, and he was making it crystal clear he didn't give a shit about whether I got home safely. I didn't expect him to stay at the hotel with me, and was happy for him to go back out again.

I started walking back on my own. He then went and grabbed his coat and walked me back, but complained the whole time that there were loads of people about and I would have been perfectly safe (although in fact we had to walk up deserted dark alleyways to get to the hotel). He then went back out & met up with the others arriving back at about 2am again.

So I can't work out if I am being precious and a misery guts, or whether my DH is giving me a clear message that he doesn't really give a shit about whether I get home safely, and would rather be partying. I asked my friend who was also with our group about what her DH would do, and she said he would definitely have walked her home, without being asked.

No flamings please, but what do you think?

" It's not right to do things apart."

Oh, it so is right!

YABU.

I have been in the exact same situation - snowboarding holiday with DP's friends. I wanted to go back to the hotel early, so I did, by myself, enjoying the quiet walk in the snow :) No need to ruin everyone else's fun.

I can't imagine feeling like such a helpless princess that I couldn't walk alone for 20 min. Though if you are that sort, I'm failing to understand why you couldn't call a taxi.

I think it is irrelevant whether you are being unreasonable or not. You are feeling unhappy with this situation, and your DH has been less than thoughtful. You are within your rights to feel whatever you are feeling. But is it normal behaviour for him? Or just a one-off holiday thing? Are you being honest with yourself about why you were feeling upset with him.

FWIW, I was married to a man who was like this, but it extended far beyond. It started with small things and went on to everyday total selfishness. In your situation, I would have a think about why I wanted him to come home with me and what my motivations were about going home early. You sound like you are not getting the validation from him that you want, but perhaps need to think about how to give it to yourself and if you are not happy in the relationship do something about it.

I'm afraid I would have wanted him to quickly walk back with me (even part of the way if it was clearly busy out and I felt fine about it) and I would have felt very sad too if he prioritised a bit more drinking to popping me back if I was worried, which you obviously were.
Having said that, my DH does not at all understand why I would be anxious about walking home on my own later on in the evening, though I think he would still walk me if I wanted him to.
I also agree with those who say statistically a man is more likely to be mugged than a woman assaulted and certainly the local news here would seem to support that (and I do encourage DH to stick to the main/better lit routes walking home late).
For me yanbu and I would have been the same.

"helpless princess"?? That's a bit harsh. Walking home alone late at night through an unfamiliar place is not everyone's idea of fun.

I don't think you should have felt obliged to apologise to anyone for leaving early. I know when I was still a party girl, I didn't care at all if others left early because they were done -- seriously, who expects everyone to want to stay to the same time?

I could see maybe your DH being frustrated at you wanting to go home early if it were just the two of you, but he has a whole bunch of people to stay out late with.

"If DH wanted to leave early he would have expected me to leave with him, and tbh it wouldn't occur to me to tell him to go home on his own."

Well that's ridiculous. He can't have it both ways.

Why wouldn't it occur to you? It's totally normal.

Where on earth were you, that is so dangerous in the evening? t is hard to say without knowing where you were, as i t depends a bit on that.

Tbh, you come across as abit of a martyr and a Party pooper, and like you were a bad match with the rest of the crowd, but that is not your fault! I am very much a party bore myself and like early bed times.

However, I would not demand DH to walk me home unless it is a seriousy rough area.

There were no taxis.

My DH would walk me back but I wouldn't expect him to and would be happy to walk by myself or get a taxi if I felt the area was unsafe.

If my DH did walk me back then that would mean he would have to make 3 journeys by himself, so he would be placing himself at risk of being mugged or attacked 3 times, whereas I would only face the (much smaller) risk once if I walked home alone, and he would also only have that one possibly risky journey too.

You do know that his risk of being mugged or attacked is far higher than yours?

Don't be daft, of course I wouldn't expect DH to walk me home. Its a ski resort, not Mexico City.

However, if I was really worried, I would expect my DH to take me seriously and work out a solution. I would also not expect my DH to be rude to me if I wanted to go to bed earlier than him. In short, I would expect him to treat me with courtesy and respect. Your DH sounds like a total knob. Is he always like that?

Mm. DH usually asks me if I want him to walk me home. It is nice to be asked. Is he otherwise caring?

This is not quit directly related to your OP, but I would recommend feeling safe about the person who walks you home.

I avoided assault, I have no idea how, luck I think, by someone whi insisted on being "helpful": a new, business contact insisted on walking me home after an evening at the pub (with a group, not a date), because "it was not safe". I did nit wnt it, but thougt silly to say no to a nice gesture. Upon arrival, he asked to go up for a coffee as he had walked me back. I felt obliged. I made him that coffee and picked up the phone to call him a taxi. He put his hand on the phone and stopped my call. He then started being verbally abusive. I was terrified. Fortunately, he kept talking, insulting me (I just nodded), women in general, his exW in particular, etc for a couple of hours. His bag of bile was empty I think so he got up and left.

I feel safer walking home alone since then. Well DH, I do feel safe with!

Just realised this isn't AIBU, so ignore the YABU.

What kind of place were in you, that has absolutely no taxi service???

Its not right to do things apart?

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I thought it was AIBU too

Sorry OP!

I do still like a party, but even I think this group of people sounds exhausting. It's really not on for your DH to make you feel like a misery just because you don't want to drink 12 hours a day.

What FestiveWench says. I find it incredible that you want your husband or anybody you theoretically love, to be in danger. Because if you feel unsafe you must feel unsafe on his behalf too.

I would not like to walk alone in the snow during the night for 20 minutes, because I have a tendency to get lost and I would worry that nobody would find me until I was frozen. I would feel the same about every body else. But somehow your post does not suggest this was a remote place in the middle of nowhere in the mountain.

Your husband is not nice. Nothing suggests that you care and look after each other.

YANBU

no I am a grown woman , I actually quite like walking in the dark, that's just me though.

I've never understood the 'I'm worried I'll get raped' by who though, is their a rapist waiting behind a tree especially for you?, plus the 'down an alley dark rape' is rare.
Statistically being in a relationship is the most dangerous thing any woman could do.
Maybe you come across as a bit hysterical to your DH? yes he might not be raped , but a drunk man is more likely to be mugged etc? Why is your welfare more important than his

inadreamworld: "Women are more likely to be attacked/raped than men"

NO! This is completely untrue as previous posters have said. Can we please stop perpetuating this myth? I can't speak for whichever country this skiing holiday took place, but the statistics for crime in England and Wales in 2009/10 showed that violence committed by strangers was 79% against men and 21% against women.

Being very blunt, I was worried about being attacked / raped / sexually assaulted.

But obviously not so worried about your DH getting attacked on the way back to the others eh? And it was only a 5-10 minute the second night. Are you really sure there isnt more going on and you dont resent your DH staying with the friends rather than actually coming home with you.

Our conversation would go something like this.

ME: Right I'm off now, I need to sleep.
DH: OK, I'll get my coat
ME: Oh, are you coming? I thought you wanted to stay longer.
DH: I'll just walk you back and come out again
ME: Why?
DH: So you get back alright?
ME: I'm not thick you know? I can find my way back
DH:
ME: It's totally pointless you walking to the hotel, then back here then back to the hotel again in the snow. Do you seriously want to walk for an hour through snow?
DH: I don't mind
ME: Well I do.

Then we would go outside for a snog and I would leave and he would go back to the friends. He would not be a twat when he got back or slag me off for being tired.

inadreamworld Women are more likely to be attacked/raped than men

Where did you get this from inadreamworld? It would be interesting to see your source because Ive always believed men are at more risk, so OPs DH would have been more at risk than her.

My husband would probably have offered and I would have refused. I'm a grown woman and perfectly capable of getting around without a male escort.

I think although I am happy to be proved wrong, that although crime against men is higher this is because they have a much higher presence on the street so really the chances of an individual lone man or an individual lone woman being attacked are broadly similar.

I would not be worried about walking home on my own in a ski resort - I have done it many times.

However, I would be seriously unhappy if DH got that drunk every night. OP - did he vom every night?? Once DH went out with the boys when we were skiing (I was fine with that and I was pg), got back about 6 hours later than planned, and the next day he was in a bucket. I made him get up at 8am and skiied from one end of the 3 valleys to the other. . He hasn't ever done it again.