Is this normal/should I be concerned - DW polishing the pearl regularly, but sex is once a month at most?

[Matt77]

We're both in our mid-thirties, married ten years, one DD (aged 3). My wife is masterbating on average once a week, but we're having sex once a month on average (13 times this year!) ... my advances (once or twice a week) are pushed away. I need advice ... should I just accept this as normal / should I be doing something to differently?

words fails me
brady Yes, you morally owe them - not to have sex if you don't want to. That is not what I was saying. You owe a spouse honest communication and full participation in resolving problems that affect either of you.

brady Yes, you morally owe them

hmm ok. Not really. That's your opinion, morals are an opinion and I disagree.

it really isn't firebird. there are many happy sexless marriages. there are many marriages that involve other parties through agreement.
santa You're totally missing the point of what I am saying though!!! I do not mean that sex has to be happening within the marriage, I do not mean that there is anything wrong with alternative arrangements. What I am saying is that each person in a marriage needs to work towards a mutual agreement that makes both parties happy. Both parties have a responsibility towards the other, to be honest and to work on problems etc - what the actual outcome is is not the point.

Jesus, there really are some vile opinions being voiced on this thread.

Thankfully mixed in with some sane people.

Could MN be any more hostile towards dads ?

brady If you were really unhappy about a problem in your marriage, wouldn't your husband have a responsibility to care about that and to work towards a resolution and to talk to you about it? That is all I am saying. And yes, I think it is a moral obligation to be a caring, honest communicative spouse who puts work into the vows and promises they made to another person.

OP, what's your relationship like otherwise? Do you get on well together? Are you still each other's favourite person? Is she happy to see you at the end of the day? Do you go to bed at the same time? Does she affectionate with you?

So when I get accused of "pearl clutching" it really means something much more interesting ?

It would really hurt my feelings if I found out my DP was masturbating a lot more than we were having sex. I'm sure most would, especially if it was only once a month.

Well done for seeking advice. Do you go out as a couple? laugh, flirt etc? because foreplay starts ourside of the bedroom. Definitely keep communicating, op. I hope you can come to a resolution.

This thread really is a classic example of the double standards on mn shown by some. Its fucking awful but thankfully there are a few sane people giving sound advice. And fwiw i quite like 'polishing the pearl' :)

AF, pmsl!

Disgusting double standards on this thread. Some of the posters are showing the very worst of Mumsnet and really need to grow up.
Thankfully others on here are trying to be more helpful.

firebird you said marriage was an agreement to be someone's sexual partner. that is very different from what you are now saying. i agree with what you are now saying, but again, that is not the same as agreeing to be a sexual partner.

I don't understand why the OP is getting such abuse.
Op you need to find out from your wife really, it could be a number of things.

firebird you said marriage was an agreement to be someone's sexual partner
Ahh, which I defined in that post 'taking personal responsibility to raise and address issues for the sake of your partner' and then I clarified it in my post of 16:56 to say 'It doesn't mean you have to have sex with them when you don't want to. But you are their partner and you have to take equal responsibility for the sexual relationship - which may just involve being honest about not wanting to have sex and why.'

By sexual partner, I just mean that you have responsibilities (starting with communication) towards them relating to sex, not that you have to be having sex when you don't want to or anything like that.

i still disagree. sex is not a right. nobody should be getting married assuming that there will be sex (unless already discussed obviously) and putting the onus on the person not wanting sex to have a "responsibility towards them relating to sex". there is no responsibility towards someone else WRT sex because sex is not an entitlement.

If she's polishing the pearl too much she's just being shellfish.

Does she clam up when you ask her about it?

Do I want biscotti or plain?

You should get her some of http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=pearl+cleaning&hl=en&client=ms-android-hms-tef-gb&tbo=d&v=133247963&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=TE_CUKO5AYyW0QWWl4HoCg&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=320&bih=508#i=1 this for Christmas

Ahem.

Sorry Olivia [proffers a double Baileys with ice]

AF, Daddelion, hilarious

Now come along girls, surely we can give the poor OP some proper advice.

OP, do you pretend you're asleep?

TSC is that the original you?

So when I get accused of "pearl clutching" it really means something much more interesting?

Oh Lordy!