WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

My parents were married for 50 years until my DM died. It became apparent that my F had had a string of affairs during the marriage and that my DM knew about them and resented him for it until the day she died. We all (4 siblings) have great difficulty now in maintaining a 'normal' relationship with F and SM in the light of that. How my DM put up with it for so long I'll never know.

Donkey - yes, that is at the forfront of my mind although I do also keep thinking about the fun times we've had together and the fun things we do, because there are good times too.

Our lack of sex life wssn't ONLY to do with my hurt at finding porn but thinking back, I think it was a factor. There are also other factors.

He also said that, ironically, he thinks it's because he fancies me so much that he has such a high sex drive. He said he found it impossible to see me looking so nice and not being able to come near me and that he used to get really embarrassed because he had wet dreams. Straight after saying this he said it's no excuse and he would never think it was alright to use these sites.

He's really not trying to blame me at all, he says he doesn't know what he was thinking and he doesn't recognise himself. He says he will do whatever it takes and keeps saying he's a complete dick. When he came over he was extremely contrite and polite and hasn't put a foot wrong. I don't see how he could be any more sorry... I just have NO IDEA whether to trust him - now or ever.

He hasn't put a foot wrong since you discovered his latest peccadillo.

Of course he hasn't. Nothing stopped him in the past though, and I am struggling to see what would stop him in the future.

He says he will do anything to put it right. What, exactly? You can't get a moral conscience inserted on the NHS as far as I am aware.

Does he expect you to police him forever, because he is not suggesting counselling for himself or anything that might actually make him examine his own behaviour. I am sensing he is waiting until you have witnessed the amount of contrition from him that will make you STFU,, then it will be back to business as usual.

I think you need to re-read your thread again. How you described your relationship earlier on in it, seemed more honest.

By the way, the 'flaws' in the story are that he can have umpteen secret e mail addresses and bank/credit accounts, a range of different internet and cam-enabled devices and of course the email account you discovered might be the one he was planning to use for that site, but he has others for alternative sex hook-up sites.

Given that you've said he used to use porn in preference to having sex with you, this crap about fancying you so much that he loes control of himself is just rubbish. Does he think that flattery will get him out of this mess?

I'd happily tell him where he could insert his moral conscience

He fancies you so much he had sexual encounters with other people online, and looks to set up RL sleazy shags.

If you believe that, you would be very foolish

He fancies you so much that he has to look at porn and go on no-strings sex sites?

This is the kind of man who would probably try to justify an affair or a visit to a prostitute with "But I was thinking about you the whole time!"

You don't believe any his crap, do you flip ?

If one person came on here and said you should give him another chance, would that make you'd mind up? Because I am sure I could find one to do that for you. Some women really will tolerate any amount of bollocks just to have a man, any man.

When I first found his enormous stash of porn years ago I laughed it off because I thought that's what 'cool', understanding wives did (I was very young ) but it actually really hurt me and in a really sad way made me feel embarassed about my sexual naivity.

This time around he doesn't recognise himself, spot of amnesia there?, but implies it's actually kind of a compliment to you because he

thinks it's because he fancies me so much that he has such a high sex drive. He said he found it impossible to see me looking so nice and not being able to come near me

Its possible he is trying to flatter his way out of it, if that is his usual style in general arguments.

They give all sorts of crap reasons and they can hardly work it out themselves. For instance, m h, who is a socialist, initially blamed the capitalist system!!

If that is flattery, I am Elle Mcpherson

He is trying to flatter her, AF. He is pretty much saying that she is responsible for his behaviour because she looks so great.

Obviously it is not the real reason why he is doing this. But he wants the OP to think it is, as he thinks it may disarm her by getting her to focus on 'how much he fancies her'.

Crafty sod. He will be expecting thanks next.

and divert her from the crime.

Fiventhree. Yes I think you,be got a good point. My DP says the same thing to me and now I'm thinking it may be to excuse him from the fact he is always pestering for sex. As you say very crafty

No, that is "blaming" not flattery

it is a rather more subtle but no less twisted way of saying "this is all your fault"

and she should accept none of it

it's only "crafty" is you are taken in by the fact he is mouth is moving

it doesn't mean he is tellign the truth, nor that he even believes it himself

it's a STFU tactic, and a bloody good one if you listen

his mouth is moving

"He also said that, ironically, he thinks it's because he fancies me so much that he has such a high sex drive."

really

That has made me squirm a little. Very very very manipulative. It is not about sex drive here I don't think, it's about entitlement, period. He thinks just because you look nice, he is entitled to fuck you when he pleases. I mean, how dare you go around looking all nice and not fuck me?? The cheek of you.

My ex used to say this. It is manipulation of the highest order.