WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

Morning, flip

Have some nice, hot sweet

Very relieved to see that you've decided he's lying.

Which he is, of course.

I think it is pretty standard that when you are on your own, thinking about it rationally, you know he is lying.

But when faced with the irrationality of this person in front of you who you don't want to be what you actually know think they are, then you start to waver. Throw is a few "oh, I'm such a dick", "I'm so sorry", "I love you" 's and you are in crumbling territory.

That is why it is so important to take a step back, take time out away from each other. The emotions must not lead this, your rational side must be in charge. Even if you at the bottom of you, you just want to fix this, it will not be fixed if you lead with emotions. And of course, some thing cannot be fixed and are broken forever.

OP. I understand how you feel. This is your whole life that you are talking about. Everybody on here is trying to give you advice as they did to me. I felt picked on and that nobody understood because they didn't know my H like I did. I was stubborn and went against advice on here and just incurred further heartbreak.

I do feel like I tried everything to save my marriage, but I could have saved myself a lot of pain. My H too tried to paint me as controlling and that he could no longer live with me. In reality he was texting OW all day every day. I tried to see the best in this, just friends supporting each other etc, but it was thanks to people on here, like AF, Izzy, Trib, to name but a few, that eventually made me see the truth of what was happening.

My story is different, but the lies are the same. Don't let him walk over you, don't believe what he is saying. Accept you have faults but it is not all your fault.

Stay strong and you will get through it. I'm almost divorced from the man who left me at Easter.

Hi everyone, thanks for your continued support. He came back this morning which I wasn't expecting. I burst into tears and ran upstairs. When I calmed myseld down I told him that's exactly why he can't be around at the moment. We talked some more and he's gone again, to stay with friends for a couple of days. I'm pretty sure he's been reading this thread and it wouldn't be the first time he's checked mumsnet to se what I'm saying. In a way that may be a good thing as he'll know the true extent of my feelings. Still don't know what to do or think, hoping time will give me clarity...

The thing is, skye, although we don't know these men personally we "know" the scripts they follow. We "know" the justifications we fuck our own heads in with just to stay with them because it seems too daunting not to.

You don't have to know what someone looks like to what they are

These men's behaviour tells you what they are, each and every time

MrFlipping ...what you have done paints a picture of you that is as clear as day.

know what they are

You said you talked some more.

Is he still sticking to the ludicrous 'I was just looking' and 'It was a pop up' defence?

Or is he showing your intelligence some respect?

You are far too nice OP. I wouldn't have booked a hotel for him. I would have let him do something for himself that wasn't internet enabled for a change.

He will at some point claim that your career success and ability to be the main breadwinner is somehow to blame. Do not take that. His inability to be a trustworthy partner and keep his inadequacies in his pants is to blame. You have no responsibility for his pathetic prediliction for fantasy sex that doesn't involve real emotions, only he does.

I don't do hugs but I'd pour you a bloody large drink in RL about now.

Fab, can it be wine or is it too early?

He's sticking to his story. Even if it were true it's still bad enough. Unfortunately there's no way of me being able to prove otherwise.

Yes it is very definitely wine.

Isn't it less about what you can prove and more about what you believe though? He'll naturally paint a rosier picture than may be the case but it comes down to what you believe and how much you can trust as a result.

In other words - right now this is about you and the life you want.

Yes this is about what you believe, not what is true.

It's also about dealing with the stuff you do know, that doesn't require anyone else's corroboration.

You know that he's always used porn and has often lied to you about it. You know that his addiction to it had a negative effect on your sex life and his skills as a lover. You believe he invades your privacy on this site. You know he depicts you as a 'domineering bitch' to friends and family and likes to play the victim. You know that he has looked at a NSA sex dating site and created a secret e mail account in the same internet session. You have no idea what he spends money on, as your accounts are separate and private from eachother.

Is what you do know worth putting up with?

Can you suspend disbelief and trust him in the future?

How do you think a liar who gets believed might treat the believer in the future?

Flip everything he's done has been about his needs and his needs alone (sexual needs in particular). He's done nothing to make you feel better, only worse and has had you worrying yourself silly about your relationship for years. The stress he's caused you hasn't caused him to stop or reconsider at all. He's blamed you for things going wrong when he's known EXACTLY where the problem lies.

This guy is someone you're supposed to be able to trust implicitly with all aspects of your life - your kids wellbeing, everything. He's taken you for granted and treated you like shit. Frankly whatever he was intending or not intending to do doesn't really matter now. The fact is that this man doesn't deserve your care, love, trust, feelings - you can do so much better. Is this the life you crave? Is it?

how are things, op ?

Hi Ladies, can I ask you for a last bit of advice? more your opinion actually...lying or not lying? I know it'sultimately up to what I belive but I'd really appreciate your opinions.

I find it very hard to believe that the one time he crosses the line on the internet is the one time I catch him. Sod's law couldn't really get much worse could it? His excuses just seem too predictable and convenient.

But on the other hand I have some very good reasons to believe that he hasn't taken it any further than "just looking": The e-mail account that I found is not registerewd with the website (I'm certain) and I have also looked for a profile that could be his without success.
I am 90% certain he was where he says when he's been out. He showed me text threads between him and his friend for when they went to the cinema and I also know that he called said friend about changing the time just before they met up. At this point he didn't realise I "knew". I immediately checked his phone and it was indeed the friend he said he was meeting.
He has given me access to his bank account statements and has said he's happy for me to look as far back as I like to prove that he's never paid for webcam services. His e-mail address is also not registered with the porn site that supported the webcam interface I found.

TBH all this makes me think he's probably telling the truth but I don't want to be taken for a mug. What do you all think?

It sounds as if your resolve is now crumbling in the face of his apparent willingness to show you his phone and bank statements. Could he not have another account/phone/email address hidden away somewhere? You've found porn in the past and a live porn webcam this time but it seems you're brushing that aside. It will keep on affecting your life with him because its happened. At the very least he's curious about NSA hookups. How long before he does something about it? Next time you don't want to DTD cos you're feeling ill?

Hi op. I think he is lying- because he was acting incredibly suspicious, hovering over you on the oc, sending guilty text messages to you. He wasn't going to own up before you confronted him- to me that's the suspicious behaviour.

I will say though, regardless of ths- what you need is time. It's only been a few days- now is not the time to decide anything. You need time and space to figure out what you want and where you go from here. He needs to move out for a while and should respect that.

Is he pressuring you in any way?

*pc, not oc!

I could be persuaded to believe he hasn't taker further in this instance because you caught him.

I couldn't be persuaded you would be wise to trust him not to try again in the future, nor that he has not been successful in his escalating and self-gratifying use of the sex industry to meet his selfish wants

It's true that he could have other accounts that I don't know about, in fact I know he has several e-mail and bank accounts, but the specific account that I found in the adjacent tab is surely the likely email address he would have used.

Yes, I guess my resolve is crumbling but only because his story seems to check out so far. I almost wish his story was less strong because I would have something to "investigate" but as it is I feel that I have no more leads and it's a simple case of whether I believe him. The truth is I don't know if I believe him and I'm not sure I'll ever know.

If someone could tell me the flaws in his story or tell me that their husband had the same excuses and evidence that turned out to be false I'd actually (wierdly) feel a bit better. At the moment I feel like I'm at risk of being a gullible fool...

AF - the are very wise words and articulate perfectly why I feel the way I do. I feel I'm making a mountain out of a molehill because he hasn't actually had an affair but you're right in that now I'm not confident he WOULDN'T have an affair...

I don't think any of us can answer that and again its got to come down to how you feel - do you trust him? would you trust him not to go back to the site when this all blows over? If you try to repair the relationship will he do his part or is it all going to be you?

I'd want more than just defense (look at my bank statements etc). I'd want serious commitment and possibly a fair degree of grovelling. You need to work out what you need from him if you're going to try to repair things and if not what your next steps are.

Another vat of wine? I'll send it over.

What reason did he give for "just looking"?

Did he blame you, blame your sex life, try and tell you that all men do it ?

Can he explain the escalating nature of the "thrill" he seems intent is his right to seek, even though it hurts you terribly ?

If he is not prepared to explore this off his own bat, and simply wants to brush it under the carpet, it doesn't actually matter whether he has slick excuses this time or not.

Does it make that much of a difference, if he was 'just looking' and got caught before he'd arranged a meeting?

Really?

Because all the other stuff is still there isn't it? Having a crap sex life because of his porn, him making you out to be a 'domineering bitch', resenting your earning power, your lack of trust in him not just to stay faithful, but to respect your privacy on this site?

Isn't all that enough for you to say 'enough'?

If not, why not?

I also don't want to lose my family life, my home and break apart my childrens' world. It's my kids i'm worried about. I come from a broken family and I don't want to put my kids through it.

Is this at the forefront of your mind flipping?