WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

He is a liar.

Until he stops lying, there is no chance for your relationship

I get the feeling you're going to try again with him flipping. Don't let him know this yet, please.

Is it even possible that what you saw was a pop up?

It is possible that the webcam interface was a popup which is why i chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't worry, I'm not going to let im know that my prefernec is to give it a go, I think he needs the short, sharp shock of realising what he stands to lose.
AF - I'm hoping that counselling might help to unearth any lies. And if not I expect my lack of trust will eventually destroy everything but I feel it's worth giving it a go even if there's the slightest chance of escaping with a relatively happy family. I also know that a good cousellor should assist you in your decision making, even if that decision turns out to be separating. You can then do so in the knowledge that it's the right thing to do.

Sorry for typos, my tablet's crap and I can't be arsed to go back and correct everything...

You know we will be there to kick his sorry ass all along the way, don't you ?

So, your title is "WWYD". Well, I dunno. Who can say what they would do in any given situation and be 100% sure they are right? I've done quite a few things I never expected of myself over the years. I do know, however, that I could never respect a man like this again, and respect is a big thing for me.

I guess you can work on trust, to a degree, but respect ?

once it's gone, it's gone

Did he have any justification for 'just looking' at the web site you know he definately was looking at?

I just feel very deflated for you flipping.

Do you think he's lying, and are prepared to over look it? Or do you believe him?

That's how i'm feeling AF.

It's easy to rant and rave here about i'd do this and that, but when it comes down to it, it's her DH standing there saying he hasn't cheated. Just looked ..... well - it's the OPs call here.

I don't know what i'm trying to say. Sorry!

OP, you are still in shock. When your anger kicks in, you may feel differently.

You may start counselling and realise you just don't want him any more.

promise nothing

Hold your self back and do not do any of the work he should be doing for him

I think you have carried this man for a very long time, and this is how he repays you ? it's not good enough, love. Not even nearly.

fluffy, at the risk of talking about Op as if she isn't here...

(sorry, OP)

I think she doesn't believe him, but is prepared to give him another chance. I'd like her to ask herself what exactly it would take before she binned this stupid fuck, to find him balls-deep in some randomer ?

It's the next stage of his journey, isn't it ? And he's taking OP right along it with him

Yes, i'm sorry too OP.

I sense she's going to give him another chance, as i said earlier. It's why i asked is it possible it was a pop up. She wants to believe the best case scenario. I can't blame her.

I don't blame you OP.

AFs advice is spot on though. Give yourself loads of time before you decide anything at all. Look after yourself first and foremost.

Counselling won't flush out lies. It just won't.

Maybe go and have some yourself though, because all your posts today have confirmed that you've been putting up with a defective model of a man for far too many years. I think you need to find out why that is. Why you thought that's all you were worth.

You do know that 'I was just looking' and 'it was a pop-up' are in the Top 10 of lies men tell when busted don't you?

But from what you've said today, this was just the tip of a very shitty iceberg.

AF - you're right and that's exactly what I intend to do. Not necessarily use the counselling to repair the damage but assess what I actually want.

Part of me believes him because I think I know his reactions quite well. Although something like this always makes you realise you never knew them at all. That siad it doesn't make him much better in my mind. The fact he could even consider it for a secong (which he admitted) makes me feel totally repulsed and I told him that's not who I thought I'd married.

I don't think I can make any judgements or rash decisions on this. Precisely the reason for asking him to leave - I need time alone to think this all through...

We shall see, at the end of the day, it's not just a man we're talking about, it's MY whole life. I can totally promise you though that I will not be walked all over, whatever I decide...

If it was a pop up,,why had he opened a new email address in the tab next to the website.

He is lying and as you said OP you will always think of him as a sad prick who frequents hook up websites.
Trust can be rebuilt eventually but respect..once it's gone it's gone.
Everyone of us has a tipping point, for me this would be it. I couldn't stay with a man who was contemplating doing this and then thinking l was stupid enough to believe his lies.

AF - another thing you're right about...if this doesn't do it then what would? I need to think about that.
Thank God for Have I got News for you...time for a cheering up session!

Well my advice right now this minute is to get yourself some rest OP. Get a hot drink and try to switch off for now as best you can. Snuggle up in bed and try to get a bit of sleep.

We'll all be here tomorrow if you want us to be :)

Athaks fluffy, that's ood dvic and makes

E feel bete - stuid f fking t

You cannot tell whether someone is lying I'm afraid. Not even lie detectors are 100%.
You have to look at the evidence.
It's pretty damning even with what you have got.
It was v. interesting that he understood why you can't believe what he is telling you. I'd say that is as close to admission as you will get.

Tablet given up

I hope counselling helps you see that one man is not your "whole life"

Especially a shit one like this.

Lovey, please don't rely on a "skilful counsellor" teasing the truth out of him. No offence to the counselling profession, but it takes a very exceptional one to pierce the sort of stonewalling denial your H is going to continue to put up. Bog standard realtionship counsellors are not eqipped to deal with that.

the Relationships board is littered with stories of men who got dragged along to counselling but still continued to lie

he will even start to believe it himself, and that's a tough nut to crack for anyone. he can nod, and cry and plead in all the right places...job done.

I think you should have individual counselling and leave him to his own devices, tbh

if he wants to prove to you his continued worthiness of trust and respect, he needs to figure out his own issues, under his own steam

whether he does that, or rides on your coat-tails (which is what he has been doing for years) will be very telling

perhaps you have gone for the evening, OP

but please, don't let yourself get hooked onto his escalating bandwagon

porn > webcamming > NSA sex websites

next step ?

If my partner frequented no-strings affair websites and then booked himself into a hotel, my first thought would be that he planned this to go there and fuck someone else.

Morning all, sorry about my cryptic messages - my tablet completely lost the plot.

I was trying to say thank you for all your help, I really do appreciate it.

I forgot about everything for a few seconds when i woke up then it hit me. Ugh.

The more I think about it, the more I think he's lying. It's just too convenient that, out of all the regular porn he's admitted to, the (apparently) ONE time he takes it a step too far is the one time he gets caught.

Akiss - I can see why you'd think that but he really didn't want to go. I made him. And I booked the hotel.

Morning flipping.

I'm glad to hear you got some sleep. Things always seem a little clearer in the morning light don't they?

What have you decided then? Do you still want him to come to counceling with you? I'd be hesitant about it tbh.

I'm not sure exactly how i'd handle this situation - you never can say till you're going through it yourself - but i'd be talking to family and friends and rallying a bit of support for yourself today lovie.

I'm wondering what he'll say when you insist he's lying ...