WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

A question mark hanging over my sex life... so true! When I first foud his enormous stash of porn years ago I laughed it off because I thought that's what 'cool', understanding wives did (I was very young ) but it actually really hurt me and in a really sad way made me feel embarassed about my sexual naivity. That's how I feel now, embarassed. I know it's an irrational emotion to have but it's there. No wonder I've not been interested in sex - my confidence was shot to pieces and everytime I thought we were making progress there's been another nasty revelation which has rocked me all over again.

It has been going on for years love :( How many more years are you going to tolerate it for?

he is the one that should feel embarassed

his inadequacy is for him to deal with, not you

I don't understand the view that emotional involvement with another person is 'worse' than secretly contracting out the sex in a marriage. I can only think that people who find this less hurtful don't particularly value sex themselves and/or think it's okay for people to use others like a fuck toy and that this says nothing about the user's basic character. Ultimately OP, I bet these same people you spoke to today would have huge double standards if you'd done the same, despite having had to put up with a sub-standard sex life for years. I bet a lot of their dim-witted views are because this is a man.

Beth - just because I think an emotional connection & sex with someone else is worse that 'just' sex with someone else does not mean I don't value sex or that it's ok to use others like a fuck toy. What an offensive and ridiculous thing to say. I could totally turn that around and say that clearly you don't value and emotional connection and that for you sex is just sex.

He's back. Going to disappear down the shops while he puts the kids to bed as I can't stand being around him right now...signing off till later...

Wait a minute, first there was a stash of porn? A physical stash?

So there's been a stash of dirty mags, then web porn, then cam girls, now an adultery website.

There's an inexorable progression there.

How?

If my husband actually had feelings for someone and cared about her as a person and not just as a sex machine, then that would fit with the personality of the man I married. Of course it would hurt but that would be much more understandable in him as a person than if he'd wanted no-strings sex with just anyone who was willing. It would hurt far more to think I'd been married to someone whose basic character I'd got so wrong for years and that he was actually someone who used other women as sexual objects.

Baffled at how you can extrapolate from my posts anything about not valuing emotional connections.

I think it is less hurtful if two people have sex than if two people have sex and declare their undying love. I don't think it's that hard to understand.

OP, you say that the porn is a lifetime habit which means his views and attitudes towards sex and women are very ingrained.

He will always view you as someone to serve him sexually as well s housekeeper and nanny. He will never see you as an equal or as a person to be loved, respected and cherished

Oh sure I can see that the love/sex combo is more personally hurtful, but IMO, a person's character is more important than his attachment to the relationship. What I can never understand is how some people overlook this in a person and think that emotional monogamy is the holy grail, but that a breach of sexual monogamy is more forgiveable. Plus I only ever see this standard being applied to men, as though it's understandable and even desirable for them to have no feelings at all for the women they're having sex with- as long as he has 'feelings' for the woman he's betraying.

Agree with Mad that this man's views about women and sex got warped a long time ago.

I don't think there's a right or wrong about how hurtful one betrayal is compared to another, people!

OP i really wish you all the strength in the world to deal with this tonight if you decide to act. Stay calm and don't let him bullshit you (hug).

We are all trying to support the Op in our own way and tbh, it matters not a jot to her about how we feel about our own relationships

My h was cheating (unbeknown to me) and blaming me for the lack of sex, and god knows what else, for a number of years. And following a number of porn episodes.

And whilst I was working fairly hard myself and at that time earning more than half of the family income.

Now, we did have an aupair, and she was a bloody life saver, and stayed with us 3 years. In fact, I have just returned this weekend from a visit to see her. Looking back, god only knows why I didnt keep her and lose him at that time, since she was not only real help in the house but also god company when (it seems now) he was wanking in the office with young girls, whilst pretending to work.

good!

He's gone to a hotel tonight. He says he's embarrassed and ashamed and a total dick.

Are you OK?

Predictably, he also said he was just looking and didn't actually sign up for anything. I told him I didn't believe him and he agreed that was understandable.

I feel surprisingly calm actually thanks mcmooncup. Don't think I'll be getting much sleep though!

Good

You have your self-respect in tact

He on the other hand...........

Oh OP, well done you.

Did you talk with him about what happens next?

Did you tell him you know about the web caming?

I agree with his assessment of the situation as he told you

Except I don't believe he has told you even the half of it

Only that I need time to think about whether this means the end or not. If we do try then I want us to go to counselling which he agreed to. I also told him that unfortunately I now associate him with those sick pricks on the website. I quoted to him one bloke in particular who claimed to be happily married but was looking for a quick bunk up because his wife was heavily pregnant. Sick fuck.

AF - I told him i didn't believe any of it...
Fluffy - I told him but he claimed it was a popup. Predictable again.