WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

Why bother?

What do you want the outcome of all this to be OP?

I think I'm erring on the side of separating but I wonder if we could make it work if he committed to complete honesty and change.

He's just sent me a text asking how my day's going... guilty as sin - he would never normally send me a chatty text! Guess I should ignore it...

OP, I reckon the fog of your PND will lift if you get him away from you. You will have been (unconsciously) sensing his withdrawal and lack of support as he justifies his pursuit of extra-marital sexual kicks to himself.

God, i'd love you to text him back

"Yes, days going great darling. Just packed all your clothes into a case and chucked it in the road. How about you? xxx"

OP, I hate to be negative, but tonight when you are faced with the way he is going to try to convince you of, a. your paranoia, b. it being your fault because you have not serviced him for 3 months, c. how he was just messing about...................you are going to crumble.

If you think you deserve monogamy and trust as part of a marriage, then you need to make this crystal clear. If he wants to work on it, then that is up to him, but as far as I can see you don't need to necessarily work on anything, so please don't suggest that to him. The only thing he needs to understand is that it is over.

Please try and put yourself in his position - if you had betrayed him - would you expect him to say "lets work on this". I wouldn't have thought so, you would expect him to tell you to sling your hook. And if he didn't tell you to do one, you would think he was weak. And you had got away with it

Okay. If he admitted to what you can prove, which is that he set up a porn webcam and registered for a NSA sex site, would you believe him if he said he'd never been on another site and hadn't slept with someone already?

Would you forgive him if he admitted he'd already had sex?

In reality the most you're going to get out of him is that he uses a porn webcam and registered for that site. Because he knows you can prove that.

He might insult your intelligence and manipulate your non-boat-rocking personality by pretending that there's an innocent reason for what you've found, but in essence he will lie.

So decide what you can forgive and what you can turn a blind eye to. Expecting complete honesty is foolhardy because you won't get that.

Of course you could decide right now that you deserve better and that he should be binned forthwith.

You've got some very good advice here flip, an au pair could be just what you need to help around the house, with the kids etc.

he will probably only want the kids to stay when he can contract out the childcare to a permanent woman - touche.

Text him back.

"I am currently wanking myself stupid while the window cleaner watches through the window, how about you, darling ? Sorted out any hot hook-ups today ? Got to rush now, I'm about to have an orgasm. Btw, it's "fuck off" pie and chips for tea, cheerio..."

You say it was a guilty text? Does he know you have seen the site ? or is he just on his way out for a lunchtime shag?

Sorry that was below the belt.......but knowing what these men are like, if he was on the site last night, it is more than possible he is actually on his way out to hook up with someone now

It's certainly a possibility. And a snapshot of what life will be like for her if OP lets this one go. Every "guilty text", surprise bunch of flowers, late night home from the office viewed with concern and painful suspicion.

I do like your sick sense of humour you lot I found it on Sunday morning. I sat down to do the online food shop and he shat himself. I saw it and closed it down, he doesn't know I saw it but he suspects. I actually felt a bit sorry for him - he was hanging around in the study making strange small talk and massaging my shoulders so he could look over my shoulder. I didn't say anything on Sunday as we were taking the kids to the zoo and they were so excited I didn't want to ruin it. He then went out last night to the cinema with a male friend, his story seems to check out for it...

See again, I'd be questioning if he really was "at the cinema".

I don't trust him, and I'm not even married to him

That makes me feel sick, your description of him hanging around watching you on the computer. Rubbing your shoulders.

What a wanker. Sorry. But that's just horrid.

A ((hug)) for you OP. I don't care if it's not MNetty.

Look, I'm not saying its ok for him to be watching live porn or going onto hookup sites but if my husband had totally gone off sex and we hadn't dtd in 3 months I too would be giving serious consideration as to the future d the marriage. And if I didn't want to break up the family "for the sake of the children" I might just think "the hell with it. I will stay but I'm damn well not going to be forced into celibacy because that is NOT what I signed up for in a marriage".

Or I might be so bitter and angry at being constantly rejected I may deliberately let my wife see that I'm looking at websites to get te point forcibly across that I'm deeply unhappy frustrated and at the point where unless things change I'm going to have an affair or leave.

To be honest BOTH of you are at fault, although to differing degrees, because you haven't talked to each other about your mutual unhappiness. Or has he been trying to tell you for years that he is miserably unhappy with your sex life? If not then he Gould have had the balls to talk about it before going this far and I have very limited sympathy. If so, well did you hear what he was saying? And did you really open up to him about what you were feeling and make a plan to get things back in track?

I have a high sex drive personally and when in a sexless relationship in my 20s did end up cheating on my partner before I was brave or honest enough to end it. Being constantly rejected is soul destroying. I would never stay in a relationship again where it happened. Not that cheating is ever warranted. But the temptation to do so is understandable. As much to punish your spouse for not wanting you as for the lack of sex itself.

Myself, i would gather evidence (as i have done with my daughters father) and i'm glad i did, as he denied til he was blue in the face, until showed him a picture of him at the meeting place along with the conversation (i was too upset to actually go)

Men like this shouldn't be able to do whatever the hell they want. 3 months of no sex does not mean that he can look for sex elsewhere! He is your husband, and should talk to you about it rather than resorting to a random shag. Infidelity is looked at as ok these days and its not how it should be. One day your children may see all this happening just as you have.

just remember that your children will be fine whatever you decide, because they have you! Good Luck xxx

needsomeperspective - I think you need to get some perspective.

How is it OP's fault she has gone off sex because she found out he was wanking to other real women? Oh, and then they had agreed to try and sort out the problems and he signed up for no strings sex.

Rejection doesn't destroy all souls. Just those that are very fragile, IMHO.

Sorry that should have read, fragile and entitled souls

Anyway, OP has said that their sex life faltered because she found out he was using web cam sex.

There are no excuses for looking to shag strangers when you've made vows, in my book.

Exactly fluffy!

xpost mooncup.

Again, just to make it clear, we HAVE talked about the lack of sex. I told him I knew how it must be affecting him as we were in the same situation several years ago but with the roles reversed. At that time he didn't want sex with me and yes, it hurt like hell especially that I then fouxnd he had a stonking porn habit in place of our sex life. I reassured him that I loved him and wanted our relationship back on track. I asked for his patience and reassured him that this was not going to be the situation for ever, that I wanted a sex life as much as he did but I felt that we needed to back to basics and re-establish our friendship and affection. He said he was happy with that and things have been going great- only the other night we were having a cuddle and a giggle on the sofa together. I probably would have restarted our physical relationship at that point but, due to endometriosis, I've had a very painful three week period. He knows that, he also knows that painful sex is another reason for my reluctance.

Oh OP .

You are allowed to be ill. And also expect some understanding from your partner. You don't need to justify yourself any more.

Given your further explanation above I concur with the rest. He is a dick and you've clearly done all you could to explain the situation and your feelings plus have several extremely good emotional and physical reasons for the recent decline in the intimacy in the marriage. I rescind my devils advocate approach given further clarification and background.