WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

He sounds like a real saddo - refusing sex with his loving warm wife due to his porn habit and then despite the damage to his marriage, he continued to use porn and worse moved onto webcams and no strings sex sites

He has been deceiving you for several years

And I am sure your depression has its roots in his selfish behaviour - no doubt his selfish streak showed in his lack of support and help around the house.

this isn't a "sexless" relationship, she has 3 kids under 5, fgs !

and had sex 3 months ago...not 3 years!

and she has gone off sex because her husband is a twat

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole either

oh, that's just reminded me

Op, if you do sleep with him again, please make sure he has had a full range of STD checks

Things weren't 'going great' OP. You hadn't confronted him about his porn cam habit and your discovery of that proved that his old habit had recently taken a dramatic turn for the worse because now he'd moved on to RL interactions. And now he's moved on from that too. Thank goodness you didn't have sex with him the other night- you might have caught something.

In fact......given you've got some gynae problems, when did you last get swabbed for STIs?

Just sticking my head around the door again to disagree with needsomeperspective

it's not like she chose not to have sex with him, for reasons rehearsed upthread.

3 months without sex is nothing FGS!!!! presumably he lasted longer than that between puberty and losing his virginity and it didn't kill him.

the only reason I would not confront him is to catch him doing it again, then confront him, then extract a confession and god help him if there is something I know about he's still holding back.

but this involves putting up with more of his shit and why should you.

he doesn't see the point of you if you aren't fucking him so this is what he does to you.

believe me there are nice loyal men out there who genuinely do like women. I am with one as are lots here. it's him who is weird not you or us.

incidentally I bet you a million pounds that when you offload him and find someone nicer, the sex with him will be IMAX 3D compared to the repeats on a black and white portable TV you've been settling for.

lol at IMAX 3D - I'm not the only one then

I'm getting the IMAX experience myself these days as it happens, but I've been there with the grainy repeats on a 12" black and white portable.

sometimes it's not that there's nothing on telly, it is the telly

(tries not to think of a 12" portable)

(sorry for hijacking)

The serious point remaining that it only takes 1 to make crap or no sex and based on what we've heard it's likelier him than her

well, quite

a serious porn habit and a compulsion to risk your marriage to wank while some randomer watches is not going to do much for your skillz in the bedroom dept is it ?

Oh God, time is ticking by, he'll be home in about an hour. I feel sick.

Oh wow. OP I'm so sorry for you - can only imagine how ou feel!

When you say 'he hasn't done anything yet' I must disagree - in my eyes he HAS done it.

Calmly (not confrontational) ask him. You have no choice but to do it.

If nothing has happened then I think it can be saved with a lot of help and a BiG rebuild of trust. Personally if that happened to me I would want a separation as I see that as worse than a one night stand - he is strategically planning this one in a very deceitful manner

IMAX 3D indeed

It's only when you jib them off that you realise that you were settling for appalling disrespectful entitled sex and the fact you've 'gone off' it is just your body being entirely right, your mind takes a while to catch up.
Damn, I had a near stroke with one of my new adventures due to the intensity of, well, you know.....the feelings. I'd even be so bold as to say it was 4d

Sorry op, flippant x post.
Write something down if you think it'll help you stick to what you'd like to say.
Because be prepared for defensive diversionary tactics.
Stay strong

No no, flippancy is good. Flippancy makes me chuckle which is much needed at the moment! Bubblenut - totally agree, it's the fact it's so planned that feels the worst. People in RL that I've told think it's not that bad because at least it's 'no strings' but, to my mind, it's more hurtful and disrespectful than a 'conventional' affair.

I read that you are the main breadwinner. Is it possible that he is only remaining in this relationship because he enjoys the financial benefits you provide? If so he really is using you.

Your children will respect both of you more if you separate. As they grow up they may despise you for not standing up for yourself. Been there. In order to regain the respect of one of my children, I had to stop "forgiving" and turning a blind eye to behaviour which was unacceptable in the eyes of all right thinking individuals including my children. I thought I was staying for the sake of my children. How wrong I was.

Then the people you've told are complete idiots who probably think that men need sex in a way that women do not. Of course this is worse than an affair. Actively choosing to risk your marriage for sex with a stranger for whom he feels nothing is far worse than an affair where there might be feelings involved, a gradual build-up and blurred boundaries between friendship and romantic love.

What he's doing is just a continuation of all the other dehumanising stuff. The porn, the camming and now finding a real-life woman who is just like a plastic doll in his mind.

If he gave you an iota of thought over the past 36 hours was it "Oh no what have I done risking my marriage how stupid am I" or was it, "Phew that was close, lucky she's too stupid to realise, game on".

"Less hurtful because it's no strings", really??

Mooncup completely agree re your body going off it and your mind taking a while to catch up - been there - couldn't switch the feelings back on at all. Something to do with feelings of responsibility, duty, marriage vows, impact on kids/family etc all getting in the way. Sadly it was all a one-way street.

(I have 4D envy now! - off to do homework on the subject )

I agree that your friends are fuckwits

There is a spectrum of betrayal though, no, OP?

At one end is furtive wanking over porn. It's getting his jollies secretly from other women though no fucking or actual liaison occurs. You should be enough for him though, thus it is a betrayal.

Next along is getting pissed and shagging the office trollop / OW candidate. If you know perfectly well that could happen when drunk, and then you go and get drunk anyway, and it does happen, that is a betrayal.

Either is less bad than having an affair, which goes on over a period of time and involves lying and maybe collusion to keep you in ignorance.

Signing up to a shagging website is IMO one stop short of the worst there is, which is signing up to a prostitution website. Premeditated, calculated, underhand.

Others may disagree about the exact order, but I think most would put what this bloke has been doing at the severe end of the betrayal scale.

You don't have to do anything tonight if you aren't ready.

You could ignore him
You could carry on the pretence it's all OK
You could go out with a friend

Fucking hell - who are you telling IRL that think 'it's not that bad'?? IMO no strings is slightly less hurtful in that there isn't any emotional connection with someone else, but the difference is minimal and certainly doesn't make it 'not that bad'.

I know what I would do now, but I know what I did when my ex Dp had an affair... I let him talk me around, I let him blame me (largely), I let him convince me he loved me & didn't love her blah blah blah - it didn't work out (clearly as he's my ex) and I would never give anyone a second chance again. You make a commitment, you break it, that's YOUR problem, not mine. Trust is hard enough for me now - fuck it up and it's over.

I wonder if we could make it work if he committed to complete honesty and change

No my love, he already trashed your wedding vows, he already trashed your agreement about how you were getting your relationship back on track. Whatever he would say to you if you talked to him about it would be just as meaningless. He's not honest and he's not commited to you - clearly - pushing him into saying he will change, wont actually make him change :(

I would prefer my H to fall in love with someone else if he was going to cheat

Signing up for no strings sex would be higher up the chain of "betrayals" for me, because that would diminish him in my eyes. A man that does this has no respect for you, no respect for women, and no respect for himself.

Same goes for the married women that do it, before anyone starts fucking squawking.

How would you ever know if he was committed to complete honesty? Either you'd be trying to trust him (really?) or you'd be checking up on him frequently and driving yourself mad in the process. He's shown how devious he can be, why would that aspect change? Your sex life will never get back on track because there will always be a question mark hanging over it. That's no way to live.