WWYD?

[flippingstupidnickname]

I've found an "icognito" window open on my husband's computer showing the website for No Strings Affairs. In the adjacent tab was a new e-mail account opened in his name.
WWYD? And before you tell me to cut off his balls please remember that we're not just talking about some dickhead. We are also talking about my life, my family, home and even my job as I'd probably have to give it up if we separated... I just feeel so sad and don't know what to do for the best.

the phone rang or whatever, so he walked off and then clean forgot what was on the monitor. I did the same at work once and it was my CV and my boss. a shade embarrassing.

TG I have never had to have one of these convos but I think I would

• not get angry - gives him an excuse to refuse to talk because you're being "unreasonable".

• stick to the facts - porn, webcams, adultery websites.

• ask why he is still here as he clearly doesn't want to be

and finally

• work out what I want to come out of the conversation, state it, and know what happens next if I don't get it

I reckon there needs to be "damage" to him right away or he won't take this seriously, eg he needs to move out or something and to be embarrassed.

if all he has to do to stay is lie, I reckon he'll do that. line of least resistance. it's a mate's account etc, it's all your fault, blah blah ... if however what he has to do to stay is persuade you to let him move back in, that's harder and if he can't be bothered I'd want to know.

very tough times for you, hugs

The main issue I have with asking him to leave is one of logistics - I work shifts so childcare would be a real problem. I have a great family but they all live too far away to help...

It's good that you're thinking this through. Can he move into a spare bedroom? You've established that he doesn't want to sleep with you, so this grants him his wish.

Go to your GP and get a sick note for a couple of weeks. Throw him out to focus his mind.

At the end of that time, while you are not worrying about childcare, you may feel clearer about whether you still respect this man enough to grant him the honour of remaining your husband

Better still, insist he takes time off work too to look after his children while you go away for a few days to seek that all-important RL support

because you are not going to keep his grubby little secret for him, are you ? Are you ?

Well, they're his kids too, OP, I wonder how he'll manage the childcare while you're at work?? Make sure you're happy with his arrangements, of course. Shame if it gets awkward for him eh?

Yep, he could move into the spare room, doesn't really have the same impact but might be a compromise. And no, I definitely won't be keeping his dirty little secret. I'm fed up of him playing the victim all the time and making out to his friends and family that I'm some kind of domineering bitch (think it's always bothered him that I'm the main breadwinner). I can't bare the thought of having to hand over the kids every other weekend and weeks at a time in holidays... breaks my heart, I've never been away from them overnight

And challenge him about his use of FAMILY money for webcamming - these are not free services. He is using your hard earned cash for his dirty little habit....

It might not come to that because with some men as selfish as this, they don't want kids cramping their style. This one's into casual sex and he will probably only want the kids to stay when he can contract out the childcare to a permanent woman.

On the other hand, try to see the possibilities in this for you if he has the kids. More leisure time, less work, the house to yourself, being able to stay away overnight if you fancy it, being able to have a sex-life on your terms. There's a lot to recommend it.

You are the main breadwinner and he is spending family money on wanking to other (real) women.

Does he ever question what you spend family money on ?

Oh, i definitely agree with Beth.

I wouldn't want to stay married to this twat. I would happily embrace all that single parenthood could afford me. My own wages being spent on me and the kids, not some inadequate's wanking habit. Not wondering what he is doing every 5 minutes. Getting a decent sex life of my own that doesn't involve shagging a sexual incontinent.

It sounds snazzy to me, compared to looking at his stupid face over the cornflakes every morning (spare bedroom or not)

OP, I hope you also immediately cease all housekeeping duties where he is concerned too

otherwise he gets to stay in his comfy and serviced bachelor pad, uninterrupted laptop time in his cozy little bolthole of a spare room, benefits from your higher earning power, keeps his reputation as the fabulous family man

it's all good for him isn't it ?

Funny how often it's the 'domineering bitch' who puts food on the table and holds the family together. Check your bank account and see what's been siphoned off for him to get his jollies.

How old are your DC OP?

A sign off from work from the doctors sounds a great idea. Do you feel like you can do that?

Absolutely AF.
You can get a live in au-pair for £70 a week.

There is always a solution rather than living with SHIT.

Yes, always a solution if you really want it

Nobody has to stay with someone for the wrong reasons

You have a spare room, OP ?

Move in a live-in au pair and get shut of the useless twat.

I'd pack a bag for him and hand it to him when he arrives home. I'd tell him what time he was expected to collect the children to look after them when you work & what the arrangements would be for collecting them or whatever.

When he looks and says 'What??' I'd simply say - 'This relationship is over. Clearly you don't value me, but I do. You wanted sex outside of this marriage, off you go. I don't want you.'

It will be hard, but you and the children deserve so much more than this.

Than as AF and others have said - find an AP.

He would have to be arsed take you to court to get 50/50, so it's not likely to happen is it and even if it does, it's not often awarded. Every other weekend and Wednesday nights for tea - you can live with that and even learn to enjoy a bit of free time.

AF - despite evrything you actually made me PMSL!
Mooncup, I think I could get signed off, I'm currently on meds for PND...

And just to clarify, although I earn more, he also earns and has his own bank account (we both do) and I have no access to that...

Oh and mooncup, DC are 1,3 and 5...

OP, I do post in a style that is meant to make you see how ridiculous your justifications are for staying with a man like this, and if it makes you laugh (even through gritted teeth) than that's good (but it isn't to everyone's taste, it has to be said)

I wish you very, very well and would say the same things to a RL friend

One man is really not worth compromising yourself for. You did it before over the webcam stuff love, if you do it again you will be selling yourself short forever

It does get worse OP.

The non-sharing of bank accounts - is that his preference or yours?

It's always been a mutual agreement that works very well for us. Maybe I should ask to see his detailed statements for the last six months...