End my 18 year arranged marriage?

[zombiemum]

I am looking for advice about my arranged marriage, I feel like I am going slowly crazy. Please be kind, I'm emotionally spent and frequently end up in tears lately.

My husband is from Pakistan, we have been married over 18 years. My parents knew I had no desire to be married, but married me off at 18, what I wanted simply didn't enter into the equation.

We have a DD age 9 and a DS age 4. The thing that is becoming more and more of a deal breaker for me is the fact that he is so slow to adapt and change. He speaks with a heavy accent, his written English, grammar and spelling is appalling, my DD writes better than he does. He understands that he should work on his language skills but is too lazy to do so. In fact, too lazy to do so just about sums him up.

Up until a few years ago, he went to work and came home, did a bit of hoovering, played with the kids and that was it. I, meanwhile, have spent years being constantly stressed out of my box doing all the household admin, everything to do with the car, solicitor, making appointments, researching the best products to buy; need a new car? I do all the research. Going on holiday? I do all the research, he?s happy to tag along but as soon as something goes wrong he criticizes and moans and gets angry that I should have known x, y or z was going to happen. I do all the problem solving, dealing with any tradesmen, any crisis that pops up I have to deal with because he just sits there looking like a frightened, lost little boy.

I was told frequently when I said I don't want to marry anyone from Pakistan, that I was making a fuss about nothing, they learn, they pick everything up when they're here and have to do it.

He is in a position of responsibility at work, works hard there, but is quite happy to have everything done for him at home. I have been a SAHM for the last 7 years but I started College last August as I want to change careers and need the skills that are required. I'm at College full time, on his two days off, he takes the kids to school etc, and does whatever needs to be done around the house.

I have just started a two year course. I will be actively looking for a full time job after this, plus my youngest will be at school. Money is tight.

Whenever we have problems he will not sit down and discuss things. He goes silent, won't talk and just shuts down. I end up losing my temper.

We have had huge problems in the past with him sending money home to his family without discussing these finances with me first, we have been on the verge of divorce many times. He is secretive and silent when it comes to this. But now I have kids, am a SAHM, I have no means to support myself and my parents have made it clear they want nothing to do with it.
 
The deal breakers for me are:

Has been approached many times by his bosses for promotion but won't go for it. He stepped down a level a few years ago blaming it on lack of support in his role, irresponsible staff, being constantly short- staffed and no time to train up all the new starts he had.
I have no respect for him.
He refuses to talk through any problems in our relationship; doesn't want to know. If pushed will immediately cry divorce knowing I have no means to support myself.
Stonewalls, ignores my feelings/emotions completely but thinks its okay to approach me for sex.
I feel utterly alone and bereft.

Its long, sorry.

Couldn't OP's husband be as much a victim of this arrangement as zombiemum?

Perhaps his family just saw him as a mealticket sending home money from the UK and he had as little say as her.

Thinking about the fact that he won't even buy clothes he could be depressed. If he was reasonable he might even agree that divorce is a good idea for them both, but im my v limited experience divorce is seen as a shameful situation so zombie will have to battle on herself.

drizzle it ^could^ be.
Having said which, I don't see that that can change OP's decision.

Flatbread, my frustration comes across as petty to those not living my life. The years I have WASTED believing he was adjusting, waiting patiently in the wings whilst day after day, month after month, year after year he has completely ignored the emotional element of our marriage. Happy to discuss the day to day shit, just don?t talk about ?us?.

The disgust and contempt he has shown me EACH and EVERY time I have suggested ideas for better assimilation left me stunned.

Is that racist? I am insulted by that. This ONE individual, my ?D?H is who I am talking about. In general, having been shown little or no mercy by my parents yes, my views on my own culture are not the most favourable.

My parents exploited me in every regard and treated me like something to be exchanged. My husband has shown me contempt and been controlling using silence as a weapon- you think that?s made me a little biased perhaps? Too f*ing right it has.

That does not make me racist so stop being so bloody ridiculous. Having been on the receiving end of some pretty unpleasant racism at secondary school I have far too much personal experience.

These are not ?irritating quirks? Flatbread, he has not adapted culturally. At all. They are huge clanging deal breakers.

Imagine if you can, you were taken to Africa/India/ Pakistan to some tiny village in the back of beyond and married off to a guy with a basic knowledge of English and a primary school level of education. Imagine if you can, LIVING with this guy for years and years and he makes NO attempt WHATSOEVER to improve. Can you imagine living with someone like that WITH your Ivy League College education? Are you picturing it? Cause that?s my f*ing LIFE we?re talking about. NOT irritating quirks. FFS.

You are mistaking my contempt for him as an INDIVIDUAL as racism. And YES, after almost two decades I make NO apologies; deal with it.

We have not had a holiday of any description for the last EIGHT years because of his sending money home to his family. Each year he allows me to do hours and hours of research only to turn round and say, sorry, there?s no money. We put away £200 EVERY MONTH, but when I actually want to book something???..I give up. Fair enough, car repairs have been costly lately, living costs are up, he just uses that account now as his to do with as he pleases.

As for his job, he STEPPED down from a MANAGERIAL position because he couldn?t handle it, he demoted HIMSELF. His managers have asked many times if he wants a promotion and he?s turned it down every time. Since the recession, funnily enough, there?s been no more offers. His job does not involve report writing or a high level of education. For what it?s worth, I feel he has done well for himself on the job front (I coached him for his interview, I helped fill in his application, I practically held his hand). My opinion on this is he is motivated at work as it was his main motivation to be here.

OP you sound amazingly strong. I am sure you will make it out of this situation and land on your feet.
Do you think your children understand this vast gulf in their own way? That may help them when they are more grown up, to understand why you had to separate.

In fact OP I am only amazed that you made it so long.
I went through yesterday wondering how you do it. Each conversation I had with my DH, I wondered how I could have done it had we not been on the same wavelength.
From eating or appreciating the same or similar cuisines, to the tv that we watch, to in-jokes based on our favourite characters, to music. It's one thing to have different tastes. It's quite another to be so different that you have no idea what makes the other person tick. I can't imagine how you do it.
All those who slate you should take a day and stop and think before every conversation they have with their partner, every email or text they send them, and every assumption of a joint identity that they do casually (eg "we'd love to have you over"/ "we like to spend our weekends in x way") - whether they could have handled not being on the same wavelength for so many years.
I think you have to walk in someone's shoes to understand them.

I'm sorry that others seem to think that this is all a "bit of a tiff" (I fucking hate that phrase btw).
I think you are strong and that in your mind this is over -the next stage will be harder. Can you open a bank account ? With £200 /pm you should have a deposit soon. Make up a bug out bag with NI details passports bills rtc. Whatever you do don't change around him as there is always the possibility he will become violent when he realises his domestic droid is going to disappear. s for your DCs I think they will come round but this is the most dangerous time even if he hasnt been physically violent. One thing for certain is he is no your friend.
Remember the three C's
You didn't cause it
You cannot change it
You cannot cure it
With respect to your H and how depressed he is.

zombie you have no apologies to make re your feelings for your husband.
I think some people on here are far to pc and just refuse to acknowledge that difference in education and culture can make a marriage unworkable when one of the part do not try and bridge the gap.

You do sound very strong though and I would urge you to talk to some of your friends in RL about it. Many women have been in that sort of situation and no one will think that you haven't tried hard enough.

When are you finishing your course? Do you think you can wait until you have finished it or do you want to leave before that?

wtiw, I think your dcs will know the difference. At the very least because they have grown up here and will have absorbed the English values. In the top of that, they have a fantastic mum who also hold these values. And they will have learn.

Just one thing re keeping contact with your H. Does he have a british passport now or still one from pakistan? Do you think he is likely to go back there if you divorce? If he does, could he want to take the dcs with him?

Zombie, your parents were obviously morons thinking that two people with such different educational and cultural experiences were fit for each other.

I just can't help feeling sorry for your husband. I do think that for a village boy with just a primary education, he has done quite well. He is working and not on benefits, he is a loving father and his colleagues/ bosses at work think well enough him to offer him a promotion, and he is financially responsible. Some people are ambitious, others are laid-back. Not a crime either way, but it must be hard for him to live with a partner who is judging and contemptuous of him. From what you write, he seems deeply unhappy, shut-down and depressed.

None of this invalidates your experiences or suffering. Leave him, build your own life. Wish you the best.

Zombie - this isn't about race or religeon really - this is about your unhappiness at being in a loveless marraige and being abused (the silence is a from of control and so is abuse IMO).

You sound together and strong and the best thing you can do for your kids is get them out and show them what a proper relationship is like - I am not syaing jump into another but even living without the angst and control which is shown by you and your husband will be beneficial for them.

I am sorry that this thread has turned into a debate about culture, all you wanted was some advice and compassion. I can understand how frustrating it must be for you to want so much more and expect love and respect from your husband and not get it. It may be down to his upbringing and culture but being immersed in life in this country must surely at least allow him to see what can be acheived if he tries.

Search on the web - I am sure there must be organisations who can help you in your situation who deal with arranged marraiges and their failure.

Good luck though - there is nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself and give your children a future in life and if you are the only parent to be able to offer that then go for it.

Feel sorry for him til the cows come home.

You think I was always like this?

I have only been like this since the DC came along. Before then, I was anything but. Having kids has put a HUGE strain on our already crap marriage. No family to turn to for help, plus being responsible for every last detail around the home, being constantly sleep deprived and exhausted. Unable to turn to him for help or advice on ANYTHING cause he aint interested, doesn't care, hasn't got anything useful to offer, shrugs his shoulders, looks blank, goes back to watching the telly. Take your pick.

That is the reality of my every day life.

I absolutely will never understand as long as I live, WHY and HOW he would think being this way could ever be fruitful. HOW can a man be so emotionally devoid, or so scared from emotions that he completely shuts down that side of himself. It is utterly beyond my comprehension.

You can be Dad of the Year, Provider of the Year, but if you treat your wife like nothing more than a domestic servant put there on God earth to serve you and service your needs and look affronted if she wants to discuss the marriage, the relationship with a "You fucking joking me? I don't think so." look, you're a pretty nasty piece of work.

And when did financially controlling become financially responsible?

If he is unhappy, shut down, depressed, it is his own doing as far as I am concerned. HE has made me this way. This is NOT who I am.

I only hope my kid can forgive me for what I am about to do to them.

The tears are streaming down my face as I write this. They're the only ones I care about anymore.

Your kids probably will not like this and therefore you initially. When they become adults however, they will realise. They will understand. They will admire your determination to make a better life. Your tenacity in trying to make your marriage work for 18-20 years.

op maybe write a letter that sets out how you are feeling now and share it with them when they are older? It will not help but if they harbour resentments when they grow up, hearing from their mother in the moment, not years later when the situation improves, may help.

Sorry, I meant "it will not help now but..."

They WILL forgive you. I remember one of my friends at University on the final demise of her parents marriage saying when 5 years old 'why don't you get a divorce?'
They will wonder why you didn't doing sooner. Why not think of the fun days out and simple stuff they like to do when the Dementor is no longer part of your lives.

op you have not answered the practical side of things. The cultural and emotional things seem to take over the thread.

1. How will you save money
2. How is you dh likely to react to you asking for a divorce?
3. Where are your passports?
4. Is your dh likely to get violent?
5. Have you got a safe place you can go with the kids?
6. What is the timescale you have given yourself for this?
7. Why is your dh allowing you to do your college course?

Silibili:

1 Don't know;save what I can when I can.
2 We've been on the verge of divorce before so it shouldn't come as too much of a shock. Is there such a thing as an amicable divorce? Don't think so, I only HOPE he understands its making us both miserable, that I've worked out a solution and this is best for all of us.
3 Passports are ALL expired except his. I will now start photocopying all the documents, gather them together with expired passports and find someone to keep them for me.
4 Don't know. Anything is possible. I feel so sorry for him I really do, he's facing a lonely life on his own, when he realises its happening for real, who knows? Am going to call Karma Nirvana tomorrow.
5 No
6 Six months max
7 He's mentioned several times he would like to be a househusband. I really thought he was joking. I think he believes that once I'm qualified and have a job that he can put his feet up. He can be both patronising and grateful at the same time about me being a SAHM and bangs on about how I have NO CLUE about what its like to have to earn a living! I've been a SAHM for about 8 years and have always worked full time prior to that.

Tomorrow am calling Child Tax Credit people.

Friday Student Finance.

Spoke to Welfare today; they need to see what the above two are giving to see what I an entitled to.

MAY be entitled to Housing Benefit.

Council Tax will only pay the water and sewage part of it.

Student loans and bursaries (am not entitled to anything atm) are classed as income.

i dont know what you think of this idea but you could try national zakat foundation, which is a charity working in the U.K, they might be able to help you out with money, counselling, safe place to stay (they have built a few womens refuges etc) www.nzf.org.uk

You seem to have a good handle on the practical side.

What about yours and your children's security? Have you got a friend to go to in an emergency?

Is your husband likely get violent? Against you or the kids?

Sorry to even say this but i am worried so I will.

Is he likely to harm you in any way? Or the kids?

Do you think your H will want to go back to his country? If he does, is he likely to take the dcs with him?

Again, I would really have a word with some close friends in RL. You will some support in RL too.

Zombie mum, the only experience I can offer you is that I too lived with a dullard. He resisted learning, he actually had NO curiosity about anything, no motivate to find out about what children were and why they do the things they do ... He's a dullard.

He was an English dullard, a white dullard, and it wasn't an arranged relationship - but nevertheless, intelligent communicative people cannot live happily with dullards unless they are completely in charge of them. You cannot have an equal relationship with a dullard.

And so I left him.

Your dh sounds beaten/tired from life. What pressures has he got back in Pakistan that he is sending Gbp 200 a month there?!

There was a Pakistani family we somehow knew. Husband did not get on with first wife. She was always miserable. Whenever we saw her. One summer he went back and took the old one and returned with a new one. Kids from the old ones came back with him.

Has he got another wife over there you do not know about? Just wondered.

Thank you Nailak, will certainly give them a call. I can't afford to be proud at this stage.

Silibili
There's no telling what extreme circumstances will cause people to do. I don't want to take risks.
Think I'll call Womens Aid.
I have friends at college, have confided in one.
There's every chance Escape, that he would go back for a holiday. I really don't think he could stay for months and months, his job wouldn't entertain that.
There's no way he can take the kids with him, but my disapproval is hardly going to mean anything. Apart from hide the expired passports what else can I do to prevent the worst from happening? Call the passport office?