End my 18 year arranged marriage?

[zombiemum]

I am looking for advice about my arranged marriage, I feel like I am going slowly crazy. Please be kind, I'm emotionally spent and frequently end up in tears lately.

My husband is from Pakistan, we have been married over 18 years. My parents knew I had no desire to be married, but married me off at 18, what I wanted simply didn't enter into the equation.

We have a DD age 9 and a DS age 4. The thing that is becoming more and more of a deal breaker for me is the fact that he is so slow to adapt and change. He speaks with a heavy accent, his written English, grammar and spelling is appalling, my DD writes better than he does. He understands that he should work on his language skills but is too lazy to do so. In fact, too lazy to do so just about sums him up.

Up until a few years ago, he went to work and came home, did a bit of hoovering, played with the kids and that was it. I, meanwhile, have spent years being constantly stressed out of my box doing all the household admin, everything to do with the car, solicitor, making appointments, researching the best products to buy; need a new car? I do all the research. Going on holiday? I do all the research, he?s happy to tag along but as soon as something goes wrong he criticizes and moans and gets angry that I should have known x, y or z was going to happen. I do all the problem solving, dealing with any tradesmen, any crisis that pops up I have to deal with because he just sits there looking like a frightened, lost little boy.

I was told frequently when I said I don't want to marry anyone from Pakistan, that I was making a fuss about nothing, they learn, they pick everything up when they're here and have to do it.

He is in a position of responsibility at work, works hard there, but is quite happy to have everything done for him at home. I have been a SAHM for the last 7 years but I started College last August as I want to change careers and need the skills that are required. I'm at College full time, on his two days off, he takes the kids to school etc, and does whatever needs to be done around the house.

I have just started a two year course. I will be actively looking for a full time job after this, plus my youngest will be at school. Money is tight.

Whenever we have problems he will not sit down and discuss things. He goes silent, won't talk and just shuts down. I end up losing my temper.

We have had huge problems in the past with him sending money home to his family without discussing these finances with me first, we have been on the verge of divorce many times. He is secretive and silent when it comes to this. But now I have kids, am a SAHM, I have no means to support myself and my parents have made it clear they want nothing to do with it.
 
The deal breakers for me are:

Has been approached many times by his bosses for promotion but won't go for it. He stepped down a level a few years ago blaming it on lack of support in his role, irresponsible staff, being constantly short- staffed and no time to train up all the new starts he had.
I have no respect for him.
He refuses to talk through any problems in our relationship; doesn't want to know. If pushed will immediately cry divorce knowing I have no means to support myself.
Stonewalls, ignores my feelings/emotions completely but thinks its okay to approach me for sex.
I feel utterly alone and bereft.

Its long, sorry.

It's OK just not to want to be married to him, beti . As we all know, some - maybe lots of - arranged marriages can work very well in the long term; yours is not making you happy. (FWIW I wouldn't want a bloke like the way he sounds either.)

You're a year younger than I was when I took up with my partner. There's loads to look forward to...and yes, I agree, quite a lot of potential support too.

Oh, and I agree about if you move to a country you learn the language and try and negotiate the culture. (My partner and I are both half-Asian, btw.)

It sounds like you've tried, and now you've done trying so it's over, your marriage only "works" when you work hard at it. That's not how it should be. The relationship side should be easy. The man in your life should be a support, not another drain.

Other people have given good practical advice, just to say while it's going to be hard to be on your own now, think forward, without your parents or your H in your life, you will only have yourself to look after once your DCs are grown.

I agree with the putting away of money - even a tenner a week will make a difference. and agree with MI on everything she has said

You sound like you are discovering a whole new life at college - I hope you continue to enjoy it and make some real friends

I hasten to add that I am not against arranged marriages: they actually have a higher success rate than those based on Western luuuuuurve. And, the careful matching of family values with family values in a loving situation, is why they are so phenomenally successfull.

But let us face it: in this situation the family of origin is dysfunctional cruel and uncaring, and the process treated her as a 'thing', a piece of meat to be parcelled out without consultation. Not a recipe for success. She was not put on this earth to please her family, but to be the best human being she can be, and in this she has my full support. You go, Zombie! I applaud your courage.

Arranges marriages are VERY different to forced marriages.
zombies is obviously a forced marriage.

I wish people would not use the term arranged to describe forced marriages.

The success rate of arranged marriages is good. But BECAUSE family backgrounds are similar. How can this be when one is brought up in Pakistan and the other in the uk or USA?

Thanks Abitwobbly, thank God someone understands. The way you described being a piece of meat is exactly how I feel.
I don't go around every day focusing on what happened, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed if I did that. Every day is a step in the right direction, every day I am one step closer to my goal of achieving my qualifications and financial independance.
I want desperately to remain on good terms with my DH when we separate. He is the most important person in my life after my kids by virtue of being their DF. He is the only one other than myself who can see how wonderful our kids are and be amazed by them in a way no-one else ever can.

Whether we can achieve this or not remains to be seen, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Zombie, I didn't "put the blame on your shoulders" for your husband being depressed. In fact I didn't mention him being depressed and I don't think you did either? I do stand by my post though, I do get a different impression of your H than just lazy and calculating but tbh as you never chose him of your own free will you have every right to be resentful. Like I said I do have sympathy for your situation because no one should have to live a life of complete unhapiness with a person they dislike and have nothing in common with.

Abitwobblynow as for "You seem to have no idea what living in a patriarchal third world is like for women". I am a woman, from the patriarchal third world, in an arranged marriage, so I'm going to ignore the rest of your post.

Just seen your last post zombie. I think you have the right attitude there.

I'm divorced.

My marriage was arranged.

I did tell my friends about it, the support and love I got from my friends was deeply touching, not a single person judged me on having had an arranged marriage. One friend even said that mine was unfortunate and a lot of arranged marriages do work, my parents has obviously but crucially my dad and mum treat eachother with love and as partners and equals.

Get friends and support together, you will need it when you divorce.

Try and keep things as amicable as possible when you divorce.

You can't continue living like this.

Is he depressed? Just brought up in the medieval style of life of some of the asian countries more like.

I wonder what his education was, sounds v lacking to me or maybe he is not bright. Might explain his inability to speak the lanuage after 18 years my god 18years and can't speak the language or adapt to western customs like buying clothes

So buying clothes is a western custom?!

Yes in the East we string together leaves to cover our privates unlike you advanced Westerners.

Despite everything that's happened I have nothing against arranged marriages but would approach them with the same caution I would a raging out of control bonfire.
Silibili you were agreeing with GreatAuntMaud back there, wish you would make your mind up.
AFAIAC mine's was arranged, its only through the recent hoohaa over forced marriages that I realised mine's was forced. Would you like me to change the thread title for clarification?
I realise the majority of arranged marriages are conducted with sensitivity, love and compassion by caring, protective parents- none of those are anything I recognise in my life.

My parents hide behind the repectable cloak of Islam but view their daughters with horror repulsion and revulsion, hot potatoes to be tossed away as quickly as possible with minimum effort.
I am not here to uphold the values of Islam but seek support in finding a solution to my own personal situation. I am alone and will be completely alone when I come out the other side of this and that there is the crux of my hesitation.

I have bent over backwards to accommodate my DS's and keep them in my life but they are in marriages of their own choosing and simply cannot understand what I am going through and quite frankly would rather not be reminded, those doors are still open and will always remain so.
But I cannot tell you how much it hurts to know that no-one cares.
Thank you for all your kind words. I am touched beyond belief.

Was the DH buying clothes at shops for himself in India or Pakistan when he left, I would guess no, his mother was, or he went to a tailor, or maybe the tailor went to him. If he WAS buying clothes from shops in India or Pakistan regularly 18 years ago then it is an even greater mystery why he can't now.

Make up my mind in what zombie?

I agree with the other poster and the gist of her message that there is nothing major like domestic abuse etc, just plain incompatibility at all levels. I also felt that some of the things you are saying are 'unreasonable' like or example the accent issue. It's not a big thing in the overall picture if other things are good. However, the more you share, the more I realise this clearly is not the case.
On the whole I sympathise with your situation. I feel sorry for you and your dh and your kids. It's not a nice place to be in.
I am trying to give you honest balanced advice and not agree and nod with everything you say here. Just trying to put another perspective on your situation.
I won't any more if you dislike people not agreeing with you or pointing out some things I see differently.

As for your thread title, it is up to you what you call it. I just wanted to make this distinction clear when people are posting that most arranged marriages are good!!

The buying clothes thing, I buy my dh's clothes. He can't be arsed. But then, he buys the chainsaw replacement and the bits to make shelves for our kitchen. Most importantly though, every morning he brings me a cuppa in bed, and for that, I will happily buy his clothes, underwear, socks and shaving cream.

Honestly, there is so much give and take and compromise involved in marriage. It is worth it only if you care for and respect your spouse. My sis left my dear bil, because they are incompatible and she just doesn't respect him. He is a lovely bloke, still close to our parents and a wonderful father. But Dsis did the right thing for herself, and my niece gets lots of love at both homes.

My parents were completely unsupportive of Dsis. They thought she was crazy to leave him, selfish for not putting the children first etc.

GreatAuntMaud I'm glad you are happy in your arranged marriage presumably arranged with great care and attention to detail by loving caring parents. Lucky you.
Thanks for negating my suffering into that of a self obsessed teenager with nothing better to do than practice a bit of islam bashing.
Once upon a time I was as passionate about defending my culture and faith as you are now. Not any more.

I realise you cannot bear to hear your culture being bad mouthed in this way. I understand.
Islam has nothing to do with this, it is about a patriarchal culture, uneducated abusive misogynistic parents inflicting damage left, right and centre with no regard for their own flesh and blood.

I cannot even imagine treating my kids like that.

All men from back home send money back to support their parents.

The accented English is not something that will change unless he spends lots of time surrounded by English speakers. He might have an accent forever. My dad grew up in England from his early teens, he worked for a merchant bank, he still after retiring has a very slight Indian accent. It's sweet, he's very correct & articulate in his spoken English tho.

You both are clearly not compatible, you need to seek legal advice, I don't think you'd get legal aid for a divorce so try and be as reasonable as possible & attempt to keep things amicable.

Also make sure you're not linked to any debts apart from your joint mortgage, as when you divorce you'll be lumbered with the debts.

You sound like a tower of strength having carried this marriage for 18 years.

The organisation for forced marriage is called Karma Nirvana. I just went to check the website to give you the url but it's been hacked!

They're on Facebook tho so you can contact them like that.

Wishing you all the best.

Oh yes, another thing, if or when you do leave please make sure you have the children's passports, if they have them.

Zombie, I really do feel for you. It must be like one big scream building inside you for 18 years. The anger, the fury, the frustration.

The people you are most angry with are your parents, because they betrayed you. Taking it out on your dh or auntmaude or anyone else will not ease the betrayal. The worst thing is, your parents couldn't give a flying fuck what you do, and so you cannot hurt them back.

It must be gut-wrenching.

I do agree with auntmaude though. I think there are lots of intermingled issues here, and at some point, you will need to sort through them.

If you go to the statelyhome thread, you will find all kinds of emotionally abusive families, across the ethnic, class, religion spectrum. It might provide some emotional balm to see you are not alone. You will come out ok on the other side. You sound like a strong, spirited person. Lots of best wishes to you.

Thanks flatbread, now I'm emotionally unstable too into the bargain, cheers!
"It must be like one big scream building inside you for 18 years. The anger, the fury, the frustration."

Why could I want to hurt my parents back flatbread?
Do I sound like I have the energy for more drama in my life?

I have no desire to hurt my parents, whats done is done, they stay out of my life all will be well. I'm trying navigate a path through all this shit, this is more than just a guy having a slight accent FFS.