End my 18 year arranged marriage?

[zombiemum]

I am looking for advice about my arranged marriage, I feel like I am going slowly crazy. Please be kind, I'm emotionally spent and frequently end up in tears lately.

My husband is from Pakistan, we have been married over 18 years. My parents knew I had no desire to be married, but married me off at 18, what I wanted simply didn't enter into the equation.

We have a DD age 9 and a DS age 4. The thing that is becoming more and more of a deal breaker for me is the fact that he is so slow to adapt and change. He speaks with a heavy accent, his written English, grammar and spelling is appalling, my DD writes better than he does. He understands that he should work on his language skills but is too lazy to do so. In fact, too lazy to do so just about sums him up.

Up until a few years ago, he went to work and came home, did a bit of hoovering, played with the kids and that was it. I, meanwhile, have spent years being constantly stressed out of my box doing all the household admin, everything to do with the car, solicitor, making appointments, researching the best products to buy; need a new car? I do all the research. Going on holiday? I do all the research, he?s happy to tag along but as soon as something goes wrong he criticizes and moans and gets angry that I should have known x, y or z was going to happen. I do all the problem solving, dealing with any tradesmen, any crisis that pops up I have to deal with because he just sits there looking like a frightened, lost little boy.

I was told frequently when I said I don't want to marry anyone from Pakistan, that I was making a fuss about nothing, they learn, they pick everything up when they're here and have to do it.

He is in a position of responsibility at work, works hard there, but is quite happy to have everything done for him at home. I have been a SAHM for the last 7 years but I started College last August as I want to change careers and need the skills that are required. I'm at College full time, on his two days off, he takes the kids to school etc, and does whatever needs to be done around the house.

I have just started a two year course. I will be actively looking for a full time job after this, plus my youngest will be at school. Money is tight.

Whenever we have problems he will not sit down and discuss things. He goes silent, won't talk and just shuts down. I end up losing my temper.

We have had huge problems in the past with him sending money home to his family without discussing these finances with me first, we have been on the verge of divorce many times. He is secretive and silent when it comes to this. But now I have kids, am a SAHM, I have no means to support myself and my parents have made it clear they want nothing to do with it.
 
The deal breakers for me are:

Has been approached many times by his bosses for promotion but won't go for it. He stepped down a level a few years ago blaming it on lack of support in his role, irresponsible staff, being constantly short- staffed and no time to train up all the new starts he had.
I have no respect for him.
He refuses to talk through any problems in our relationship; doesn't want to know. If pushed will immediately cry divorce knowing I have no means to support myself.
Stonewalls, ignores my feelings/emotions completely but thinks its okay to approach me for sex.
I feel utterly alone and bereft.

Its long, sorry.

[Silibilimili]

op, I appreciate your candour and honesty.

[GaramMasalaGirl]

Hope you're ok zombie

I'm sorry you're thread has been hijacked when you're going through such a difficult time already.

There are lots of us here who understand what you're going through and are happy to keep on supporting you.

Thinking of you...pm me if you want to.

[Abitwobblynow]

So Romilly why do you undermine and sneer at attempts from Zombie to be an authentic human being then? Why the relativistic 'all cultures are fantastic?' Zombie herself complained about being undermined!

[OliviaMumsnet]

Evening all,
just a little reminder that we ask people to respect each other, even if they disagree with their opinions. If there's one thing we could all do with it's some moral support
thanks

[fuzzywuzzy]

Abit wobbly I don't think she was, She was suggesting that maybe if the OP reposted without the cultural details she might get better advice on how to plan her departure without people getting caught up in the details (which happen to be cultural), as they do not have relevance on helping and supporting OP in her situation.

Regardless of the details, the facts are, OP wants to and needs to leave and is looking for advice and support for this step.

Good luck OP.

[Mimishimi]

What is the fallout with your family, and his, likely to be? On the upside, he does not sound like a jerk, just a mismatch in personalities and temperament. On the downside, obviously you do not want to continue to live like this and it is causing you a great deal of stress. My gut feeling is that you should stay in the marriage and maybe learn to accept that he has strengths ( nice guy, good provider) and he has weaknesses ( unwillingness to learn English). Everyone has them and the next person you meet will too. If there will be no support at all from your family, it could be extremely difficult. Also something to take into consideration is the honour aspect in his family - whilst he might be a nice guy and his immediate family might be okay, is there anyone from the extended family that you might have to worry about taking it upon themselves to defend the family honour ?

[ajuba]

Mimishimi, contrary to what the media may have you believe, not every pakistani family has lunatics waiting in the background ready to carry out honour killings at any hint of family "shame". They may not approve, and be happy about it, but they'll just have to get over it as it's essentially none of their business.

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

OP it is clear that you are mismatched and in my opinion, without knowing you in real life, it really looks like you need to leave this man. Sorry I don't have more constructive advice. Keep skimming off household money I suppose. Maybe try to get a part time job?
greatauntmaud whether OP has self loathing is irrelevant. I am sorry but unless you are part of a culture where women are traditionally treated as chattel and at best not considered (as her husband does when he sends money home) you cannot slam her with such great authority.
Furthermore please don't underestimate the impact of cultural incompatibility. This man clearly doesn't know how to deal with women.
His causing embarrassment to OP in social situations may not be a big deal to you, but OP has ONE life and to spend all of it with someone who clearly can't understand her or her context and makes such little effort to- that doesn't seem like a situation anyone should have to deal with.

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

flatbread. I'm sorry but assimilation is important. One can be proud of one's identity but there are people who cannot handle sticking out like sore thumbs. I understand where OP is coming from and to call it a Daily Fail type of emotion is in my respectful opinion, bollocks.

[Silibilimili]

I don't think flatbread is saying its not important to assimilate. But just trying to point out that people stick to their comfort zone. What they know.

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

Usually, yes. But that does not a happy marriage make, where the partner is culturally in a different place.

[Silibilimili]

As an expat, I have done that. Stuck to what I know. Does not mean I did not put in the effort to mix with everyone but just found it easier to mingle with the British. Even if this meant we had nothing in common but the country we came from. It's human nature

[Silibilimili]

Exactly zombie2

[Mimishimi]

My husband sends money home. Along with his brother, we built a new house for them. Since any money he sends to rhem comes from what he earns, I have no problems with it whatsoever. They supported him to get him where he is today, they have helped us tremendously with childcare particularly BIL's family, by coming over on 3-6 month visas. We owe it to them. Actually I would feel less respect for my husband if he did not help his parents.

Honour killings are very common. The media is not exaggetating it by reporting cases. Nutjobs in the wings are almost a given, especially in families which are reluctant to learn English.

[Silibilimili]

mimi I disagree with you. I am not Pakistani to know /confirm what you say but I doubt if ops other half would let her study further if he was that backward.

I would be surprised.

[Silibilimili]

Please people! Get off the cultural bandwagon and let's look at this rationally instead of scaremongering and stereotyping.

[Silibilimili]

Despite what has happened, op does seen to have some sort of respect for him. In the was she describes his interaction with their kids. It is natural. 18 years is a long time.

I suspect too op that you feel tired and lonely in trying to keep all the plates spinning all the time. It is hard work. No moral, mental or financial support. The constant conflicts. It must be draining. Day in day out.
I disagree with the poster who said stick it out. Can you imagine what it would it be like when the kids are gone and he is older?! op doing the cooking, cleaning, arranging... All day long...
Gees.
Get out while you can op.

[nailak]

honour killings are not that common imo

just as common as other killing of women,

i suppose depends on your defintion of common?

[knackeredknitter]

OP, I think that your relationship problems stem from the fact that your h seems to care very little about your feelings. He doesn't care about the things you care about to the degree that you feel unsupported and undervalued.
He sends money home to his family without discussing it with you, because he sees you an unimportant, he makes no effort to plan anything because he can't be bothered, refuses to talk about problems in the marriage because he doesn't care that you are unhappy.
You may not think this is domestic abuse, but it is, it is emotional abuse.
It has got nothing to do with his culture, religion or language and everything to do with his attitude towards you.
I think if you should make plans to leave....you don't deserve top be treated this way

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

knackered I suspect it may stem from the attitudes that were taught to him within his culture. I however agree with you that that is irrelevant. What matters is his ability to transcend that (or rather in this case his inability).

[EscapeInTheCity]

re assimilation, I actually think you have no other choice than do some of the 'assimilation'.
In my home country, it is normal to smack children. Everybody does and it's actually seen as the sign 'you are a good parent who keep their dcs under control'. I am living in the UK, i don't smack my dcs because... I had to assimilate in some ways and live by the unwritten rules of the country. I actually parent more as an english than as the way I was raised.
I have also learnt to talk about the weather and not say that snow is fantastic (which I think it is).

If you want to be living 'in' the country, there is no other way to do it. (Note it doesn't mean rejecting your onw culture. It's just that some of the bits of the englisg culture become part of your culture even though it's not part of your original culture).
But if you are living with someone with a different culture, then it's even more necessary because it will affect your daily and personal life. And there is no way a marriage will survive wo the compromise (ie the assimilation).

NB; the assimilation actually works both ways. I have taken some of the english ways but my H has taken some of the ways of my country by the simple fact that we are living together.

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

Well said escape.

[Silibilimili]

escape, good post. Very much agree. However, I suspect that ops husband did not even think about this before taking on the challenge of getting married. I suspect he either fell in love (benefit of doubt) completely and got the shock of his life upon coming here or he saw the op as a meal ticket. Less so now but atleast 20 years ago, living in the uk was the ultimate. One had 'arrived' in life by being here.
Also, as I have said earlier, it could also be that he saw the ops family culture at home and thought she would be the same despite growing op here and therefore all will be fine. Later in, upon realisation possibly a stubborn personality trait took over. Who knows.
I have seen this in a couple of Asian marriages I have seen. They did not end well either. Sometimes despite trying, from both sides, hugs just don't work out. These marriages I am talking about we're arranged and not forced. With these, there is also an element of the holiday romance and the reality is very different when they live together.

[EscapeInTheCity]

it could also be that he saw the ops family culture at home and thought she would be the same despite growing op here and therefore all will be fine

yep agree with that.