End my 18 year arranged marriage?

[zombiemum]

I am looking for advice about my arranged marriage, I feel like I am going slowly crazy. Please be kind, I'm emotionally spent and frequently end up in tears lately.

My husband is from Pakistan, we have been married over 18 years. My parents knew I had no desire to be married, but married me off at 18, what I wanted simply didn't enter into the equation.

We have a DD age 9 and a DS age 4. The thing that is becoming more and more of a deal breaker for me is the fact that he is so slow to adapt and change. He speaks with a heavy accent, his written English, grammar and spelling is appalling, my DD writes better than he does. He understands that he should work on his language skills but is too lazy to do so. In fact, too lazy to do so just about sums him up.

Up until a few years ago, he went to work and came home, did a bit of hoovering, played with the kids and that was it. I, meanwhile, have spent years being constantly stressed out of my box doing all the household admin, everything to do with the car, solicitor, making appointments, researching the best products to buy; need a new car? I do all the research. Going on holiday? I do all the research, he?s happy to tag along but as soon as something goes wrong he criticizes and moans and gets angry that I should have known x, y or z was going to happen. I do all the problem solving, dealing with any tradesmen, any crisis that pops up I have to deal with because he just sits there looking like a frightened, lost little boy.

I was told frequently when I said I don't want to marry anyone from Pakistan, that I was making a fuss about nothing, they learn, they pick everything up when they're here and have to do it.

He is in a position of responsibility at work, works hard there, but is quite happy to have everything done for him at home. I have been a SAHM for the last 7 years but I started College last August as I want to change careers and need the skills that are required. I'm at College full time, on his two days off, he takes the kids to school etc, and does whatever needs to be done around the house.

I have just started a two year course. I will be actively looking for a full time job after this, plus my youngest will be at school. Money is tight.

Whenever we have problems he will not sit down and discuss things. He goes silent, won't talk and just shuts down. I end up losing my temper.

We have had huge problems in the past with him sending money home to his family without discussing these finances with me first, we have been on the verge of divorce many times. He is secretive and silent when it comes to this. But now I have kids, am a SAHM, I have no means to support myself and my parents have made it clear they want nothing to do with it.
 
The deal breakers for me are:

Has been approached many times by his bosses for promotion but won't go for it. He stepped down a level a few years ago blaming it on lack of support in his role, irresponsible staff, being constantly short- staffed and no time to train up all the new starts he had.
I have no respect for him.
He refuses to talk through any problems in our relationship; doesn't want to know. If pushed will immediately cry divorce knowing I have no means to support myself.
Stonewalls, ignores my feelings/emotions completely but thinks its okay to approach me for sex.
I feel utterly alone and bereft.

Its long, sorry.

[springydaffs]

Oh!

Well, if somebody else is reading who is in this position then all is not lost ----

[springydaffs]

In sure other posters have warned you about getting a bar at customs preventing him taking kids out of the country. I had to do this and was asked annually if I wanted it renewed.

Leaving him is the best thing you can do for your kids. They have been modeled a truly appalling relationship and that has to change. Yy he'll bellyache that he had a 'difficult to train like a dog or a horse ' wife but you know the truth and you must model a healthy dynamic to your kids - or they'll just repeat what's been modelled to them, this appalling relationship. Which is what happens. This isn't just theory, it really does go like that - like clockwork.

As your parents are abusive in every way up to their necks in their cultural beliefs, I'd consider a completely fresh start somewhere else. I'd actively not want my kids to have contact with him - because I wouldn't trust him at all. I know that may be too strong for you to hear now but bear it in mind. I wouldn't trust him one millimetre, he has proved how 'resolute' he is - he's kept this up for 18 years ffs, not a drop of progress or fluctuation. Bloody hell, in short.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

springy, this thread is 3 years old. Hopefully she's left him by now.

[springydaffs]

Sorry I haven't read entire thread but had to post well didn't have to but wanted to

A pp said it sounds like he doesn't have any confidence - er, no! He has plenty of confidence. He is training you to be his servant in every possible way, like his mother was. I'm surprised he doesn't expect you to wipe his area. I'm not kidding. He's training you like a dog or a horse. He stonewalls you specifically to train you. He makes sure you have NO financial power - all the better to jail you. He doesn't learn English bcs he's not interested.

You loathe him and I'm not surprised. You can't possibly say you haven't given it your all, and some too much in actuality . Enough now. You've done enough. There are orgs that specifically support women in your position ie arranged marriage, controlling abusive husband. I don't know their names but I know they're out there. I hope student services point you in their direction, it's the sort of thing they'd know, or find out.

But what stands out in glaring technicolour is you'll be MORE THAN FINE when you leave him! You are a capable, competent woman, you've been running the whole shebang for years with his ten tonne weight on your back - imagine how light you'll be to lose that weight! You'll FLY! It's so obvious! I hope you get to see it soon!

[R3alxmastr33]

I would recommend you complete your course

When you are on the course start applying for jobs
LinkedIn, Facebook

If you are able get a part time job or some work experience or volunteer experience while you are at college
If you can get work in the same field as your course or volunteer that will help your CV

Get a job

Save money for yourself (find an excuse to save)

You are a strong woman. You are already running the household


At this point, put a plan into action about separation, divorce etc


Nobody will judge you if you share your worries I think you will be surprised how helpful people will be

[Borninthe60s]

9 years without kids? You knew what he was like before you had them.

[Jumper2015]

Seems like you have a baggage,a mental block with him being a "Pakistani". I guess if you are not feeling happy,just divorce,that will spare both of you the trauma. But I think he is not abusive as other abusive spouses are. I am also in a abusive relationship. I find your tone about your husband's accent and English very similar to the same slur my husband throws at me. My husband verbally abuse me that I am a handicapped as I have a short tongue n not able to pronounce words properly. I can feel and sympathise with your husband. You are lucky that he is not abusive.

[ippychick]

Hi, this thread goes back nearly 4 years but it still comes up on an "18 year" internet search. Just wanted to say to Zombie, hope it all turned out ok for you - hope you made the move, completed your course and went on to find happiness. x

[GeekLove]

Hi how are you op? Hope that things have settled down. Don't worry about the 15K dept as I'm sure you will make full use of it.
How are the DCs doing?

[AWhaleOfATime]

:)
You will be able to cope with the £15k. You won't have to repay it straight away etc... It will be a small price.

[Eastpoint]

It sounds as if you are doing really well now. I have friends whose mothers were unhappy & left their fathers after they had left home & all have said how much they wished their mothers had left earlier. Your children will be able to tell you are unhappy & after the initial shock will be fine - happy mother = happy children.

Good luck!

[zombiemum]

The price of freedom eh?

[zombiemum]

Hi Geek Spoke with Student Services yesterday.....they were really helpful. I feel better. They have so many support networks to draw from and this is not the first student separation/divorce they've seen.

I have to get to a solicitor to draw up separation papers for the college to put into place the change of circumstances. I made it clear I'm not ready to go ahead with things right this minute. I'm just gathering information. Finding out what I need to do. Saving what I can. Removing documents to a safe place.

Looks like I have no choice but to take out a student loan each year, which means, by the time I finish my degree I'll be in £15k worth of debt.

[GeekLove]

How are you doing OP?

[zombiemum]

Zombiesareclammydodgers

Thank you for your kind words. I think it would really help ME to write it all down for my kids to read when they're older; brilliant idea! My biggest fear is that the trauma of the separation means they hold me responsible and never thought to out it down for them to read when they're older.

Spoke with Karma Nirvana: I really want to stay where I am if I can. She explained about the occupation order and that was something I really needed to hear.

To take the kids out of their school, out of their home and not see their DF either would be a triple whammy- its too much for them. My biggest hurdle is finances, so will see what Student Finance say.

Need to see a solicitor who can hopefully offer legal advice on getting a prohibited steps order re what fuzzywuzzy said.

[GeekLove]

More to the point do you think he COULD co-parent. I'm not sure if he would be in a fit state to do so. Are you planning on leavin or are you planning on obtaining an occupation order? Either way check out the avice on domestic violence at the top of the page and have an ermergency bag ready.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Ask a solicitor if it is possible to get a prohibited steps order so the children cannot be removed from your care without your permission.


I've just point blank refused to allow ex to take my children 'back home', I wouldn't even know where to begin looking if he decided he wasnt going to return them to me (which he would), also I have girls, I'm not going to even allow the risk he would marry them off without regard for my childrens rights or feelings.

Pakistan is a dual nationality.

[Silibilimili]

Sell your kids unwanted toys, things you don't need and he won't notice they are gone. Another form of income. Is your husband tech savvy to find out a secret eBay or PayPal account?

Who does the grocery shopping? Siphon off money here too if you can. Just a little bit so as not to get caught.

[Silibilimili]

You should write a diary. A diary if your feelings and experiences.

Will be useful for your children and grandchildren (and maybe even for a published book).

[zombiemum]

He sends money back, but not the full £200 month. It builds up, then for example, January £1000 spent on finding and fixing leaks in the car, major service, brake pads, something to do with suspension.

I know this to be fact cause I have the bill.

It builds up again then things like the car insurance, road tax and house insurance are all due in the same month....see what I mean? He's not sending the full 200 every month, but its going somewhere. I really don't think he has a wife back home.....but who knows? If he did, I'm sure he'd be itching to get on a plane far more regularly than he does now for some sweet lovin', cause lets face it, he aint getting much of that from me!

He's been back home twice in about 5 years.

Silibili great advice about the safe code. Don't have any jewellery left so that won't be an issue.

[Silibilimili]

Is Pakistan a duel citizenship country?

[Silibilimili]

Make sure your husband does not have secret passports for your Children. Not sure how you will check this.
Take copies of his salary slips to prove pay.
If you have jewellery, go put it in a safe deposit box at a bank as this will also come in handy.
Set up a 'safe' code with a friend. So forexample, if you get found out and he is holding you and the kids hostage, how will you let anyone outside know you are in trouble? Set up a word or phrase you can text to a friend for them to call the police on your behalf.

[zombiemum]

Thank you Nailak, will certainly give them a call. I can't afford to be proud at this stage.

Silibili
There's no telling what extreme circumstances will cause people to do. I don't want to take risks.
Think I'll call Womens Aid.
I have friends at college, have confided in one.
There's every chance Escape, that he would go back for a holiday. I really don't think he could stay for months and months, his job wouldn't entertain that.
There's no way he can take the kids with him, but my disapproval is hardly going to mean anything. Apart from hide the expired passports what else can I do to prevent the worst from happening? Call the passport office?