Should I give a third chance?

[bendaroo]

I am in a real dilemma and can't easily talk to RL friends at the moment - kids at home for holidays, DH at home in the evening.

My DH had a friendship with a colleague two years ago which I was not happy about as he told lies and kept the extent of their friendship from me. (I knew about the lies because I looked on his phone and texts did not tally with what I was being told.) However he always maintained it wasn't physical. but during this period, he diminished my feelings and made me feel unreasonable and overly jealous. During a year of couple counselling, things improved and we agreed to keep things open and for there to be no more secrets. So I feel I gave him a second chance.

But I have just found more evidence of him agreeing to meet up with this person again and therefore lying as he has not told me himself. It's not a betrayal in a sexual way, I don't think, but by agreeing to travel to a sports event together he is going against all the work we did in counselling. I don't think I can trust him after finding this out and I don't think I can stay married to someone I can't trust. But we have 2 children and I'm in bits at the thought of splitting up.

He doesn't know that I know by the way so I'm keeping things ticking along as normal which is also really hard. Not sure what to do??

The undeniable fact is that he himself agreed to be honest and he has broken that agreement. As have you of course.

However your respective reasons for doing those dishonest things are very different.

It would never have been acceptable to him for you to look at his phone. I'm not sure why you didn't agree that this was a condition of rebuilding trust or why the counsellor didn't support you in that, or if you did ask for access to his phone and he refused. But your reasons for looking at his phone are fairly transparent; you thought he would still lie to you and you've been proved right.

It would have been acceptable to you for them to have some contact, as long as he told you about it. His reasons for maintaining a relationship with this woman and lying to you about it are not as transparent as yours are for snooping, are they?

That's a good idea I'll do that. I often get stuck in an argument and forget or my mind goes blank so that would be helpful.

I just need strength. Once I've now said this thing to myself of confronting him tonight, all my worries over my godmother visiting and the practical things that I was waiting to settle, just seem irrelevant. The people I might be letting down (by having a house/family in chaos) won't mind about that. They'll just want to help.

The thing is though Beth there's no point making an agreement to be able to see someone's phone. Anyone can have 2 or three phones- and keep one as a secret phone. Anyone can have dozens of email accounts.

In these days of IT and social media, it's possible to be in touch with people under various aliases and no one knows any different.

If someone wants to hide a secret life, they will.

I'd keep your mantra simple when you talk to him.

I get the impression he's good with words and will try to wriggle out of anything you accuse him off. Just keep it simple and don't be side tracked by anything he throws at you. And if he is angry treat him like a child having a tantrum- don't engage with the anger- keep calm.

You are never going to have an open and honest relationship with someone who doesn't think integrity is important.

You can't explain that away. That's who he is.

What it all comes down to is that he is not an honest person and doesn't value honesty.

You can only have a marriage with him on the understanding that honesty is not part of the deal.

You have that and you're not happy.

Oh I agree it's a fairly pointless request because if someone wants to conceal, they'll find a way. And Bendaroo still only has these suspicious texts to go on, when it's possible there have been e mails or texts on other devices- even other face-to-face meetings for that matter.

But if someone refuses transparency after a breach of trust, or agrees to it and then withdraws it, his wife is entitled to draw an inference from that, I think.

Integrity not important? Really?

Integrity is the most important thing in the world in a long term partner

From that (trustworthiness, reliability etc) everything else is built

This man is telling you everything you really need to know, whilst thinking you don't know his grubby little secrets

countingfriends - are you some sort of counsellor? I wish I'd had counsellors like you when I started my therapy journey.
Bendaroo - I am not siding with your husband but please please stop snooping. It really does make things worse, as if you are looking for something you will find it. Even if it is not there. x

Offical I am not a counsellor as such but I do have training in something similar- there's an overlap.

To be honest only you can make the decision whether to leave or not, I would if I was in that situation talk to my DH about it in a way another poster has said the what would you do in this situation and take it from there.

You can't stay in a relationship just for the children because a lot of the time this just causes resentment which is worse for the kids than if their parents split.

There are plenty of family lawyers out there that run a free hour where you can go and get advice, and the CAB can also help.

Good luck and be happy with whatever you decide