found out husband has been seeing 'escorts' and on seedy websites

[katiemummy2012]

Well I dont know where to start, I am just utterly heartbroken. I am a long time lurker here but havnt posted before but I have just found out the worst news of my life and have no one to turn to I am so embarrassed. I have been with DH altogether 8 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged 5 and 2

I have to admit, me and DH sex life has been pretty crap since our first child was born. I developed quite a few stretch marks due to the pregnancy aswell as gained a small bit of weight (but not loads!), along with the sleepless nights (DS1 was quite a cryer) I just never felt like sex and was physically and emotionally exhausted as a first time mum. DH was working a lot anyway and I presumed he too was tired and didnt want action. I have to begrudgingly admit that I did turn him down a few times because I was feeling so unsexy, but I was sure he would understand as I thought he loved me and its not as if we NEVER had it if you know what i mean. Anyway my DD was born just under 2 years ago and since then our sex life has got even worse.

I started to get suspicious about 3 months ago when I went to check something DH had apparently been looking at for DS's 5th birthday, on DH's laptop and the address bar showed a website address 'adultwork.com' (I will get to this bit later ) I didnt click the site but it said 'adult service....' before it flashed away and then I realised DH had just cleared the history. I thought I'd let it lie as I honestly didnt believe ever that DH would cheat, hes just not that type, a real sweet family man and never a 'jack the lad' kind of man if you get me. I definately would never have guessed DH to be the type to use a 'escort' service, but lo and behold, he has :(

Well it all came to a head yesterday when I picked up DH's phone for a snoop whilst he was on the toilet, he usually never leaves it about but he did this time so i took the opportunity, I know its wrong but I have got so suspicious and paranoid in the last fews months I just knew there was something up, I was just waiting to find it.

There was a txt on there saying 'Hi, its K from Adultwork, call me if you still want the appointment we arranged xxx' my heart just stopped and I knew there and then he has been cheating and contacting escorts. I txt her back pretending to be DH saying I couldnt call now but I do still want the appointment, just to see what she said. She txt back saying 'great babe had so much fun last time, 130pm @ my place it is then xx' - 130pm is when DH is on his dinner, and I wondered why DH hadnt been answering my calls and his phone had been off sometimes when I called him on his dinner

So this meant DH has been there before and has definately cheated. Lets just say that after I confronted him, he DID NOT go to his 'appointment' with this tart. I dont know what to do. I went onto the site and using the number and name checked this 'escort' out. She lives in the nearby town that DH works in (surprise surprise) I was totally shocked because rather than look like a drug addict or a heavily airbrushed model picture like i expected she was a really normal girl, had loads of home porn videos and pictures and was only 21 (DH is 40!) and sickeningly really pretty and slim :( she has like 100 reviews all saying how great in bed and how hot she is. I'm gutted because I bet one of them is from DH. My confidence is in tatters because I think how mumsy I've become and the stretch marks and weight I've now got since the kids. tear I have to stop myself from crying :'(

DH has been crying hard and said that I never have sex and wont give him a blow job so he got so frustrated he has had to go elsewhere, but that he loves me and wants us to stay together. I am infuriated with him, he has cheated on me, not to mention we have been struggling with mortgage repayments and have been struggling to get the money for DDs second birthday presents and party which is next week and this escort costs £120 an hour! So he can fork out for her but not for our DCs birthday or our family home, Im just so angry! He has also told me we cant have a 2013 family holiday because of money! But hes blowing money on sex with women half his age!

So sorry about the length of this post, I just dont know how to deal, I cant tell anyone about this because of DHs reputation. I dont want people thinking hes a sick perve. I dont want to leave him because I know I could have made more effort to have sex, and he wouldnt have had to seek out a younger woman to fulfill him. Please help how I can feel better about this, I dont want my beautiful DC to see me upset or ever find out about this, they adore their daddy :'(

He does sound like a bit of a loser, but ultimately men who get no sex will look elsewhere for it. However, most men won't resort to prostitutes however long they have to go without.

oh God, kMummy, feel so sorry to hear your news. please just remember that this ISN'T your fault in any way.
Others will be on soon to offer advice, but ending you a big hug, and reminding you that this was HIS choice.

So sorry

It takes a certain type of man to buy sex - i.e entitled selfish men who view women as property to be bought.

He has put your and DC's health at risk - all because he wants a BJ

He is spending FAMILY money on prostitutes

Its not about you or the lack of sex - its all about him, his issues, his warped attitudes toward sex and women.

He could have communicated to you about the lack of sex - instead he has CHOSEN to invest time, money and energy in shagging prostitutes

How awful for you Must have been such a shock to have your suspicions confirmed in this way!

At the moment you will be in shock, it's an awful feeling. The ONE thing you should not do is blame yourself, this is all down to your dh, HE has the problem and although sex was lacking this is never an excuse to stray. He should have come to you and worked it out rather than look elsewhere, this happens in a marriage especially where there are young children involved.

You need to be kind to yourself and take things slowly, digest what you've learned, you will go through a mixture of feelings over the next few days/weeks.

Do you have someone close you can confide in? When this happened to me my close friend amazing, she didn't judge, she was a rock and didn't question my decision to give my dp a second chance. This has only come though (6 months on) with dp showing complete remorse for what he had done and even then it's still hard.

Me and DH have had sex but admittedly its not very sexy as I dont enjoy getting on top of him or all that as I feel fat :( I do think I need to build my confidence but would never have dreamed DH would go looking for sex with another woman, I just presumed he would use porn (which I dont love but rather that than OW!)

DH says the reason he went and paid is because he loves me and our family and didnt want another woman to get involved with but was so frustrated and bored with our sex life he just ended up doing it, he said he didnt want to and put it off numerous times but ultimately ended up doing

I feel even worse sexually now than I did before and like I dont want DH to touch or kiss me at all

i just want to go and physically harm the girl he has seen too, is this normal? Im just so angry girls like her advertise themselves and then married men like my DH goes and pays to cheat with her, she makes a living out of shagging my husband and taking money from my family home and from her 'profile' seems happy and content in doing so! I so have to fight to urge to call her and shout at her, but ultimately I know it wont help matters and DH will still have cheated on me :'(

sorry i just need somewhere to vent xxx

OMG Katiemummy - I AM SO SORRY. What a terrible situation to be in. I don't know if this is any comfort to you, but my husband was arrested and has been charged with accessing and distributing indecent images of children earlier this year - the first I ever knew was the police turning up at my door. I understand how sick, bereft and devastated you are feeling. My STBX had been sending emails to teenagers whilst pretending to be a teenager and it had escalated from there. I cut off all contact immediately - it was so so incredibly difficult but in my heart I knew it was the only possible way I would even begin come to terms with it all. We haven't seen him for almost seven months now (Got DC 2 & 8 - the effect on 8 yr old has been terrible - BUT SHE IS GETTING OVER IT!).
i guess what I'm trying to say is that yes it is SHIT and he is a total C**T but it's NOT your fault. HE decided to do this, not you. I believe we all have choices and they are, after all, 'grown up'. So be hard and chuck him out. If he thinks more about paying for sex than his own children then he absolutely isn't worth it.
I had all the tears over the phone, the excuses, the denials and whilst I listened I knew in my heart I could never, ever share a bed with him or be intimate with him again. The deceit is too much to bear.
Seven months down the line, DC & I have moved house, i'm doing something I've always wanted to do and I have even started to be interested in other men. Value yourself and your children. Tell your close friends - I honestly couldn't have gotten through with out their support. I only told a select few whom I could really trust and by god, do I know who my friends really are now! They, together with my family, have kept me going and assuring me I was doing the right thing. My children are fine - I & my family give them all the love and security they need. Not him because he let us down and is now paying the price.
Believe you can get through this and you will - I promise!
Keep talking, and lots of love to you.

Oh poor you. Don't beat yourself up about not having sex with him, he chose to visit escorts and cheat on you. I hope you can work through this together, but you have to start with loving yourself. x

As for the lack of sex, why did he not choose to provide child free time, help out with chores, spend money on babysitters etc so that you are not too tired to spend intimate time with him.

There will be some good advice here along soon, so sorry this has happened. Fwiw no matter how infrequently you and your husband were having sex, dh running off to a sex worker behind your back was not the answer.

I am really sorry this has happened to you but this woman is not the person you should be taking your anger out on, it's your DH who decided to cheat on you and pay for it, I would be fucking livid and it's he who I would want to hurt.

And I know it's not what you want to think about right now but you need to get yourself tested and make DH get tested too.

Sorry, so slow typing, didn't mean the posts appearing before mine were not helpful.

looksgoodingravy thats what I thought, we had a young child and until recently a new baby, we were both tired and I just presumed it was normal for sex to go off for a while when the kids are young and that your DH isnt meant to look elsewhere

I do have friends I have spoken to one close friend who I trust but shes just had bad news herself regarding an operation and having to take time off work sick and a close family member being diagnosed with cancer so I dont want to burden her with my problems, I cant speak to anyone else because I dont want it to all blow up and end up affecting my children, they adore their dad and he is a great loving dad in all respects, except this and Im finding it hard to believe its not my fault :(

DH has never spoke badly about women and I've never had the impression he has warped view of them, I admit I got very confrontational and wanted to know everything, DH said he just went to her for the normal good sex he used to have with me before the children came along :(

I just feel like I've been 'replaced' if you know what I mean and so angry my husband has been having intimate relations with other women, especially ones half his age and quite a bit younger than me :(

And how vile it is that he is blaming you why isn;t he respecting and honouring the MOTHER of his DC?

You both need to ne tested for STDs.

Do not blame the girl - sadly she must be desperate enough to make a living in this way.

100% of the blame should be on HIM - no one made him look at the websites, no one made him book her services, no one made him drive to meet her and no one made him shag her. He did it all

You're directing your anger in the wrong place - he is the one who broke his marriage vows, he is the one who decided to pay for sex rather than talking to you about his frustrations, he is the one spending money you don't have on buying women for sex.

You need an STD test asap. And personally I'd kick him out while you decide what to do. This isn't just a one night stand, this is paying other women for sex.

And this has nothing whatsoever with you being unattractive. He is paying for a woman to massage his ego - if he could attract a woman that looks like her, I'm sure he would have got it without paying for it but he can't.

I agree with HotChoc if he really wanted time with you he would have spent the money on a babysitter.

I am so sorry katiemummy. When I found out my husband was seeing escorts, the world around me crumbled. That was 4 years ago. I couldn't tell my parents, his parents or anyone, but did confide to a close friend. The road ahead will be difficult if you choose to stay. There will always be suspicions - you will always be checking him all over. Whatever the reasons are, he did what he did. You'd have to decide if you want to stay or go. I really feel for you. Chin up xxx

You know, im all for seeing both sides of the coin me - but he sat and cried, tried to blame you for not giving him a fucking blow job!!! for you.

You are worth so much more than this and so are your children.

I couldn't forgive this - he should have made YOU feel sexy, im sure you are, you are the mother of his children, it is a biology thing, for NORMAL people, it doesn't come any sexier than that! He is an inadequate fuckwit, he couldn't even manage an affair, he had to pay for it, and leave his family short of money.

I'm so sorry for you OP, no sympathy for your DH. No animosity towards the escort though - shes just doing her job and is not responsible for your DH, he should be responsible for himself.

There is no excuse for cheating full stop. Withdrawing sex is an issue but never gives the other partner the right to cheat.
Paying women for sex is vile and abusive and unforgivable (IMO)
Using family money on sex workers is unbelievably foul and shit.
It's very common to be angry with the ow but it is displaced. It's not her responsibility, it's his. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else (and probably was :()

So many replies in the time it took me to log on!!

There is no way to get over this if you blame yourself. Accept no responsibility. This was NOT your fault in any way.

I know, I am being unreasonable being mad with the girl, if it wasnt her it would have been another thanks to my 'D' H

At the moment, Im contemplating staying, I have an appointment booked for an STI check on Monday, but am hoping it will be ok as looking at the profile the girl doesnt offer anything unprotected, and DH insisted he was safe :(

I cant believe I'm writing this, but I'm glad DH admitted to it, my DCs have gone to their grandmas for the night while we talk it out, but not much speaking is being done right now as I'm so angry and deflated

Thanks so much for the kind advice, I just want to wring DHs neck as just this weekend we were out shopping for DDs 2nd birthday party and DH was being extremely tight and kept saying 'We cant get all that, I work so hard everyday and am struggling to pay our mortgage' as if the mortgage problems are my fault- little did I know he has £120 to spend on sex yet wants to scrimp on our daughters birthday!

I feel so let down by DH, I thought he was a patient and loving husband who understood how I was feeling with regards to being tired and feeling quite unnattractive :(

he is a great loving dad

Great loving dads do NOT pay for sex, put the health of his wife & DC at risk, spend family money on sex, disrepect the mother of his DC.

Paying for sex means you think women's bodies are there to be used which is why its warped. That is NOT a loving act.

YY Ask how he would feel if someone was paying his DD for sex, I am sure that will make him think.

He is NOT a good man, he is NOT a good father and he is NOT a good husband.
He has put your health in danger-you must get an STI check asap.
He has been spending money-family money -on sexual gratification while his family is at home struggling financially on a daily basis
This is a selfish self centred knobhead who has prioritised his own wants and needs above those of his family.
How long has it been going on for and just how long was he going to continue paying money for sex.
This is a man who has no respect for women, no repsect for you and no respect or his family.
Of course he is upset--upset you have burst his bubble and his antics have to stop because he has been found out-NOT becuase he is sorry,

Get out now while you have a bit of self respect left. He does nor deserbe you or your DC's
He is despicable-please remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

So sorry for you. I know that it's not comparable but I've just found out that my DP is a heavy porn user, after what must be 5 yrs of him concealing it.

I feel sick and confused, worthless and a fool. You must be feeling along the same lines and I hope that people here can help you through. They are full of all the right advice and support, please take comfort.

He isn't a great dad, he isn't a good dad, he isn't even an OK dad. He has betrayed his daughter in the vilest way. He thinks more of his cock than he does of her, why couldnt have have just had one off the wrist FFS? He will wheedle and tell you he loves you both and make it all about him, poor poor man who's bitch of a wife wont give him sex and heaven forbid, refuses to suck his cock! So tell me, if a blow job is so important to him, do you not think that he would have payed a whore who would do this? and no man wants his cock sucked wiht a condom on. He is lying about it being "safe".

I am never a "leave the bastard" type for for him to do this to you and your DD is sickening. Yes lack of sex in an issue in a relationship, i wont pretend it isn't but the solution is not paying for sex! I could almost understand (but not forgive) an affair if there is no intimacy within a relationship and folk turn elsewhere for emotional support, its shit, but it happens. This is not the case here so don't accept his - i love you so i chose not to have an affair token of an excuse, he probably couldn't find anyone desperate enough to fuck him because he is a pathetic excuse for a man.

If you stay you are going to have to accept that you are living with a man that doesn't respect you. Yes he might love you, but he doesn't respect you - can you live with that?