found out husband has been seeing 'escorts' and on seedy websites

[katiemummy2012]

Well I dont know where to start, I am just utterly heartbroken. I am a long time lurker here but havnt posted before but I have just found out the worst news of my life and have no one to turn to I am so embarrassed. I have been with DH altogether 8 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged 5 and 2

I have to admit, me and DH sex life has been pretty crap since our first child was born. I developed quite a few stretch marks due to the pregnancy aswell as gained a small bit of weight (but not loads!), along with the sleepless nights (DS1 was quite a cryer) I just never felt like sex and was physically and emotionally exhausted as a first time mum. DH was working a lot anyway and I presumed he too was tired and didnt want action. I have to begrudgingly admit that I did turn him down a few times because I was feeling so unsexy, but I was sure he would understand as I thought he loved me and its not as if we NEVER had it if you know what i mean. Anyway my DD was born just under 2 years ago and since then our sex life has got even worse.

I started to get suspicious about 3 months ago when I went to check something DH had apparently been looking at for DS's 5th birthday, on DH's laptop and the address bar showed a website address 'adultwork.com' (I will get to this bit later ) I didnt click the site but it said 'adult service....' before it flashed away and then I realised DH had just cleared the history. I thought I'd let it lie as I honestly didnt believe ever that DH would cheat, hes just not that type, a real sweet family man and never a 'jack the lad' kind of man if you get me. I definately would never have guessed DH to be the type to use a 'escort' service, but lo and behold, he has :(

Well it all came to a head yesterday when I picked up DH's phone for a snoop whilst he was on the toilet, he usually never leaves it about but he did this time so i took the opportunity, I know its wrong but I have got so suspicious and paranoid in the last fews months I just knew there was something up, I was just waiting to find it.

There was a txt on there saying 'Hi, its K from Adultwork, call me if you still want the appointment we arranged xxx' my heart just stopped and I knew there and then he has been cheating and contacting escorts. I txt her back pretending to be DH saying I couldnt call now but I do still want the appointment, just to see what she said. She txt back saying 'great babe had so much fun last time, 130pm @ my place it is then xx' - 130pm is when DH is on his dinner, and I wondered why DH hadnt been answering my calls and his phone had been off sometimes when I called him on his dinner

So this meant DH has been there before and has definately cheated. Lets just say that after I confronted him, he DID NOT go to his 'appointment' with this tart. I dont know what to do. I went onto the site and using the number and name checked this 'escort' out. She lives in the nearby town that DH works in (surprise surprise) I was totally shocked because rather than look like a drug addict or a heavily airbrushed model picture like i expected she was a really normal girl, had loads of home porn videos and pictures and was only 21 (DH is 40!) and sickeningly really pretty and slim :( she has like 100 reviews all saying how great in bed and how hot she is. I'm gutted because I bet one of them is from DH. My confidence is in tatters because I think how mumsy I've become and the stretch marks and weight I've now got since the kids. tear I have to stop myself from crying :'(

DH has been crying hard and said that I never have sex and wont give him a blow job so he got so frustrated he has had to go elsewhere, but that he loves me and wants us to stay together. I am infuriated with him, he has cheated on me, not to mention we have been struggling with mortgage repayments and have been struggling to get the money for DDs second birthday presents and party which is next week and this escort costs £120 an hour! So he can fork out for her but not for our DCs birthday or our family home, Im just so angry! He has also told me we cant have a 2013 family holiday because of money! But hes blowing money on sex with women half his age!

So sorry about the length of this post, I just dont know how to deal, I cant tell anyone about this because of DHs reputation. I dont want people thinking hes a sick perve. I dont want to leave him because I know I could have made more effort to have sex, and he wouldnt have had to seek out a younger woman to fulfill him. Please help how I can feel better about this, I dont want my beautiful DC to see me upset or ever find out about this, they adore their daddy :'(

Flicked through the other replies, sorry if i'm repeating anything.

OMG you poor love :(

Selfish bastard him!

DP cheated on me while i was preg (diff situation i know) but i never got over the fact he made me buy everything for DS2 while tutting and umming and ahhing over every penny 'I' spent, while holding on to his own cash.. Well so i thought! He was spending it on presents and drinks and dating site membership!

Tell him he needs to put that money he spent back into the bank before DD's birthday then get off his arse and go buy her something decent and no scrimp and scrape for a present and food when he's quite happy to pay to get his cock wet!

And i'd want to kick him in the nob as well! Numerous times!!!

Big Hugs xx

Poor you. Its the money that's holding you back, well that and the children.
If you were 20 he would be history.

Find a job and make your escape plan. He's not worthy.

How are you Op?

I agree with Doha and dragon mamma. I worry about your expectations and attitude towards sex and relationships. You seem to feel sex is intimate, and this is why you are seeing this prostitute as an ow threat, that and what your husband has said about it being your fault. I think instead you need to think about this from your husband's perspective and why he would say and do something like that and what it says about how he feels about relationships and how he views women. He is the one who has equated your sexual relationship with his paying for sex. In a normal and healthy relationship sex is a part of the intimacy building part of love. Sex isn't always about this though, it can be about anger, power, control and can harm. Paying for sex because your wife doesn't give you enough means he doesn't see intimacy building as part of the sexual relationship with you, it means he feels entitled to sex, he shows anger if he doesn't "get" what he wants (no it isn't a need), he doesn't actually care if his partner wants it or enjoys it, he feels entitled to it - why is that? In curtain circumstances: where the relationship is equal in that both people are in it for their satisfaction and not seeking emotional connection and are crucially both aware of these terms and consenting to them (not prostitution because in my mind the money erodes consent) this isn't so bad, what is bad is that he doesn't care how you feel AND he doesn't feel you have any say or any right to choose how you relate to him sexually.

Curtain circs? Certain circs!

Put it this way, if he (and clearly he is trying to say he does when he blames you and deliberately prioritises paying for sex over the mortgage and family holiday) thinks it is reasonable to pay for sex because his wife doesn't "give" him enough, why has he kept it secret? If it is reasonable to him then he has kept it secret because he knows it isn't reasonable to you and he doesn't care.

It isn't about sex at all, it is about him and even if this is the first time he has actually used prostitutes, it won't be the first time he has behaved in a sexually abusive way (you've already demonstrated some signs you may have been socialised to believe sexual abuse is just "being a man"). It definitely won't be the last.

How dare he make you " the reason" for him using prostitutes, he should have had a wank or talked to you about it.
Sorry I've managed to deal with some pretty hard things in my marriage but prostitutes are a deal breaker.

I'd say the lack of sex is a red herring here. If he compares sex with a prostitute to sex with you he has serious issues. It is extremely likely that there is something more to what turns him on about sex with prostitutes, be it power, be it being "naughty" or other reasons. This is not just about getting a physical release.

I agree with this - if it was just about release, he could have wanked.

Not surprised at the porn - there is a strong link between porn and infidelity...

Why would anyone stay with someone who does this?

Defies logic.

Why are you even thinking of taking him back, he has cheated on you, and he paid for it! You and your children are going without nice holidays and birthday presants because he wants a quick shag as he's horney. Come on OP how can you trust this man again?! How are you going to look at you DD opening her presants on her birthday knowing if he hadn't gone to this woman she would have more presants, a bigger cake, a bigger smile on her face. How can he put his cock before you and HIS children! Please don't be a fool.

I can't believe you are already saying maybe you'll take him back! Have some self respect! Make him stay with his sisters at least a month.
Never stay together "for the chldren". This is your life too you know and those children will leave home one day and you will be left with him, wondering what he's up to and not ever trusting him.
I actually cannot comprehend why you would consider taking him back. You were struggling to buy a bday present for your daughter and he's shelling out money on some whore. Well, now you should tell him you want the £120 he was gona pay for this appointment that you intervened on and spend it towards your daughter.
Stop blaming yourself for not having sex with him. If it was that bad he could have spoken to you about how he was feeling. Not you reject him a couple of times so off he goes to an escort! Jesus!

Absolutely what halfcups says. Take one day at a time, you are currently absolutely reeling with shock.

Please try and forgive yourself for your womanly changes. Babies DO mean stretch marks and saggy skin and varicose veins. But you know? We deserve men who understand that they are a result of giving him the children he claims to love, and to love us for them.

Why do you think a beautiful woman should be smooth and toned? I think all of us should go to an African or Afro-Caribbean party to see SEXY. Those women are wonderful! They aren't fat, they are just overflowing with sexiness! That is the attitude to have.

That he misdirected marital funds is appalling. You don't have a house or a holiday as a result? You need to demand the file where ALL the bank statements of the last (how old is your oldest child?) years. You need to add up what he has spent on prostitutes and demand it as settlement.

This isn't about you, and it isn't about the sex worker. This is about him. Don't accept his blame. Demand that he goes to counselling, and to share with you what is talked about in counselling.

If he isn't prepared to do this and share it with you, you have your answer. [Believe me, I know]

if you just take him back; you give him carte blanch to do whatever he feels like in the furture. You are effectively saying 'It doesnt matter how badly you treat me, i'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU'

Have some self respect. you cannot expect anyone to respect you if you dont respect yourself. He has behaved unspeakably badly and you propose just to carry on ? FGS...

What a horrid situation for you. The woman just sees him as a client/£120. Despite what some posters have said, we don't know how she feels about her "job". But she doesn't see him as a friend, that's for sure.

You've been together for 8 years, and for 5 years you've had a poor sex life. Some of which is your own body image and nerves about your child walking in. Why didn't you both invest in a bolt for the bedroom door?

It sounds like maybe he has got frustrated and looked... and then been tempted by how easy it was. He may well have said to himself it was better than an affair. It wasn't, he was still unfaithful.

He should have talked to you, instead, and you could have worked this out in a much better way for both of you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Don't know if this is any help, but my DH and I had not had sex for 8 months. This is because I am pregnant following two miscarriages and have been too paranoid that I will "make it all go wrong". My DH would like sex, and says he finds me sexy, but we talked about my worries and he said he just wants me to be calm and happy, ad that not having Sex for a while isn't going to cause his bits to fall off!

If your dp was unhappy, he could have spoken to you, and then worked to support you in feeling more confident about yourself. Instead he cheated on you and then tried to blame you for his behaviour. Do not get suckered into thinking that his choices and actions are your fault.

Your husband IS the type to do this. He HAS done it, so therefore he is the type. Because really, there is no type.

I am somewhat appalled that you seem to have been convinced that this is all because you weren't having much sex - as if this makes it okay. Does that make it easier for you to live with, if there is a solid reason that you can get past - that if you can be the good wife who always services her husband, he wont feel the need to go elsewhere? Even his excuses are pathetic - almost like the poor dear had no choice! How can any reasonable person expect a weak, defenceless little man to live without a BLOW JOB??

You need to take some time, OP. Time away from him, to think and sort things out. Think about the fact that your husband took money from your family and used it to cheat on you. Repeatedly. You say that you are happy he confessed. But he didn't - you caught him out!

Oh katiemummy - I don't really know what I say to be of any use to you. I am worried that we've not heard from you for a bit - I do hope you're ok? Well, obviously not ok, but I hope you know what I mean.

Personally I think you need to take time to put together everything you have found out . Do no let him come home yet - he can stay at his sisters and make his own excuses as to why he is there!

You need to digest it all and try to think about what to do next - this will take time as clearly this has all come as an enormous shock for you and understandably so. As many others have said none of this is your fault - none of it! Please don't beat yourself up over not having had sex with him or having more time for him ..... He needs to man up to his responsibilities!

Write down the facts as you know them.
He spent much needed family funds on his own selfish diabolical behaviour!
He has tried to blame you for this!
He has cheated on you in a most disgusting way
He has made you feel inadequate and worthless
He is clearly sorry - my guess because he thought he would get away with it and not get found out and also it's Na enough for him that you know but he's facing other people finding out what he's been up to as well and will lose a lot of face. I think he may well be more scared about this!!
He has cheated on your DDs

I don't think you know yet the extent of the money he has spent on his 'hobby' as you have only seen one bank account so you need to ind out the total figure. You will then also know how long this has been going on.

I'm so sorry for you and it is so much to deal with - and yet still having to be as normal as possible for your DCs.

But take time to think things through for yourself - don't let him back. Find out all the facts and then try to start thinking about where to go from there.

Post on here so we know you're ok and I'm sure there is No end of support here for you whenever you need it.

Start to do something for yourself - you sound incredibly down on yourself and your appearance. These prostitutes do make us feel fat/frumpy/drab ..... But you're none of those things - you're normal!! And you're he woman that he chose to marry - to spend the rest of his life with. You deserve better.

Maybe he can shake up and sort it out but you have to decide if you can live with that. Only you know what is best for you and your family but do not be rushed into making any decisions right now.

Let him stay at his sisters whilst you gather the facts and gather yourself and trout strength to deal with the rest.

Good luck x

And your strength ..... Damn iPhone spell check!!!

katie this is truly awful.
Maybe you can come back from this. I couldn't. He would be gone and I'd tell every fucker who would listen what he had done. You have no need to feel embarrassed.

Your self esteem is low. Does he have any idea how much more this would damage your confidence. It would kill mine if I thought my dp had chosen a very much younger prettier woman than me to have sex with and I am confident sexually! So heaven knows what it would do to you if you stay with him.

Now there are undeniably problems with your sex life that should have been addressed. If he was unhappy with lack of sex or the type of sex. Then he should have discussed it with you. Even the subject of seeking sex elsewhere. He should have told you how he felt, giving you the optionm of working together or at the least knowing how his mind was working. Instead he has given you no choice in the matter.

And all that money too. I couldn't forgive any of this.

Oh and 'katie* it seems a common theme that married men who pay for sex justify it by saying its better than an affair! How very kind.

You are not competing with a 21 year old as she doesn't want him and probably thinks he's an old man at that age, but I can understand how you would feel that way.

However, I do think now he has paid for sex it will always be an option. And to be able to pick and choose the type of woman he wants. Very tempting for him in the future, maybe when he's 60 and still fancies 20 year old girls he could never actually pull.

Hi everyone, thanks again for the messages :)

Well DH isnt coming back just yet and is staying with his sister until I feel ready to discuss what will happen in the future, at the moment I am heartbroken, devastated, crying every hour or so and dont want him back

iv managed to keep it together for the DCs but have to keep myself from a tear dropping onto my beautiful DDs head, and I dont want that :(

DH admitted to me this morning he's been seeing escorts for 3 years, so since a year before our DD was born, and this has just broken me, I dont think theres any going back, I just cant believe I didnt realise or notice something in time :(

The reason some of my anger came out about the woman is because DH has been seeing her regularly (more regularly than I originally thought it turns out) and I feel in order for him to do this he must like something about her, even if its the sex she gives him, even thats something only I should be giving him, and it breaks my heart hes been having it regularly with this woman :(

I have also insisted DH pay me the money back he spent this month on the woman, I feel thats the least he can do after the amount of money hes spent, he is bringing some cash over tonight after work and then getting the hell out, and I'm going to go shopping with the money Saturday for some lovely presents for my DD, thinking of her face when she sees her birthday party and presents cheers me up and keeps me going :( xxx

You poor poor thing :(
I doubt there will be any coming back from this either - but it can take a little while for that to sink in so don't beat yourself up for reacting or not reacting a certain way. Your children will get you through, you will be happy again for their sakes and yours - but it may take a little time. Try to keep your chin up. He is a bad man, he has done very bad things to you, to your family and (even if you don't feel it right now) to the women whose bodies he paid to have sex on.

THREE years

and this means he willingly put your unborn DD's health at risk...how sickening