found out husband has been seeing 'escorts' and on seedy websites

[katiemummy2012]

Well I dont know where to start, I am just utterly heartbroken. I am a long time lurker here but havnt posted before but I have just found out the worst news of my life and have no one to turn to I am so embarrassed. I have been with DH altogether 8 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged 5 and 2

I have to admit, me and DH sex life has been pretty crap since our first child was born. I developed quite a few stretch marks due to the pregnancy aswell as gained a small bit of weight (but not loads!), along with the sleepless nights (DS1 was quite a cryer) I just never felt like sex and was physically and emotionally exhausted as a first time mum. DH was working a lot anyway and I presumed he too was tired and didnt want action. I have to begrudgingly admit that I did turn him down a few times because I was feeling so unsexy, but I was sure he would understand as I thought he loved me and its not as if we NEVER had it if you know what i mean. Anyway my DD was born just under 2 years ago and since then our sex life has got even worse.

I started to get suspicious about 3 months ago when I went to check something DH had apparently been looking at for DS's 5th birthday, on DH's laptop and the address bar showed a website address 'adultwork.com' (I will get to this bit later ) I didnt click the site but it said 'adult service....' before it flashed away and then I realised DH had just cleared the history. I thought I'd let it lie as I honestly didnt believe ever that DH would cheat, hes just not that type, a real sweet family man and never a 'jack the lad' kind of man if you get me. I definately would never have guessed DH to be the type to use a 'escort' service, but lo and behold, he has :(

Well it all came to a head yesterday when I picked up DH's phone for a snoop whilst he was on the toilet, he usually never leaves it about but he did this time so i took the opportunity, I know its wrong but I have got so suspicious and paranoid in the last fews months I just knew there was something up, I was just waiting to find it.

There was a txt on there saying 'Hi, its K from Adultwork, call me if you still want the appointment we arranged xxx' my heart just stopped and I knew there and then he has been cheating and contacting escorts. I txt her back pretending to be DH saying I couldnt call now but I do still want the appointment, just to see what she said. She txt back saying 'great babe had so much fun last time, 130pm @ my place it is then xx' - 130pm is when DH is on his dinner, and I wondered why DH hadnt been answering my calls and his phone had been off sometimes when I called him on his dinner

So this meant DH has been there before and has definately cheated. Lets just say that after I confronted him, he DID NOT go to his 'appointment' with this tart. I dont know what to do. I went onto the site and using the number and name checked this 'escort' out. She lives in the nearby town that DH works in (surprise surprise) I was totally shocked because rather than look like a drug addict or a heavily airbrushed model picture like i expected she was a really normal girl, had loads of home porn videos and pictures and was only 21 (DH is 40!) and sickeningly really pretty and slim :( she has like 100 reviews all saying how great in bed and how hot she is. I'm gutted because I bet one of them is from DH. My confidence is in tatters because I think how mumsy I've become and the stretch marks and weight I've now got since the kids. tear I have to stop myself from crying :'(

DH has been crying hard and said that I never have sex and wont give him a blow job so he got so frustrated he has had to go elsewhere, but that he loves me and wants us to stay together. I am infuriated with him, he has cheated on me, not to mention we have been struggling with mortgage repayments and have been struggling to get the money for DDs second birthday presents and party which is next week and this escort costs £120 an hour! So he can fork out for her but not for our DCs birthday or our family home, Im just so angry! He has also told me we cant have a 2013 family holiday because of money! But hes blowing money on sex with women half his age!

So sorry about the length of this post, I just dont know how to deal, I cant tell anyone about this because of DHs reputation. I dont want people thinking hes a sick perve. I dont want to leave him because I know I could have made more effort to have sex, and he wouldnt have had to seek out a younger woman to fulfill him. Please help how I can feel better about this, I dont want my beautiful DC to see me upset or ever find out about this, they adore their daddy :'(

Now is the time to stop speaking to him. Why? Because you are furious and you mustn't signal your intentions.

Firstly, get that money, see a solicitor and find out about claiming misuse of marital assets (13k+)

Get the ball rolling, and then tell EVERYONE.

I will let you know how I'm getting on, right now DS has asked for Daddy for the first time and its setting me off, hes missing him already and I dont know what to tell him except Daddys gone away for a while :'( luckily DD is too young to understand whats going on and is still a happy bunny, my family is officially broken and its not going to be the christmas I imagined :(

You sound amazing, op. sending you strength x

Life deals these blows from time to time Katie, how we react to them and move forward will determine your course. Please be strong and do the right thing, your DC will pick up on this and it will empower them to be strong through the course of their lives.

Always try and see the positive aspect, better to find out now and have time to move on rather when the DC have left home. Maybe you will be the person that will start the fight against sites like Adultwork and help protect other families from the same fate. Life is a journey, nothing more, many roads and paths will be taken and a fork has just appeared in yours. Keep strong :)

*But Happy, until the other day Katie would have thought her husband was a decent bloke. It is amazing what some people can hide (Not implying anthing about yours by the way I am sure he is a diamond)

15 years ago if you wanted to cheat with a prostitute you would either have to go to some seedy sauna club or pick one up off the street. Now technology makes it so easy to arrange anything from affairs to escorts to web cams etc. Add to that mobile phones with internet access and its a green light for many to take things that one step further.

An affair years ago would normally be with a work college or someone you knew, now it can be with a complete stranger selected from an affairs website.

Technology has certainly made it easier for some people.*

I don't quite understand your answer. If I discovered Mr Turquoise (who is sitting next to me moaning that he wants to be called Mr Happy) up to this kind of thing, then I would kick him where it hurts. Out the door, and right in the wallet. He was also sitting next to me when I first opened the thread and was as disgusted as I was at the first reply, especially as we have had our own times of not being able to have sex, and we know loving happy couples who for one reason or another cannot have sex together and do not see the need to involve anyone else.

Oh, blardy hell, now he's joining Mumsnet.

Happyturquoise, you have to know his nickname!

Welcome to Mn Mr Happy

My husband usual (non-seasonal) name is Mr AF

You can take Mr Happy

husband's

My response wasn't to your post happyT.

Too many happy's on here!

Oh! No wonder I was confused, maleview. Thanks for clearing that up!

Katie, I don't know if anyone else has said this yet, but please do go to the doctor's and tell them about it and get a full std check, as soon as you can. If you want complete anonymity, there are clinics where you can give a false name.

First browser crashed, then had to go pick up dd2 (see, I'm getting into the lingo). Not what i was expecting, this site. Why so much swearing? Anyway, got to go do the washing....

Oh, and was worried about the jokes, "feeling happy", that sort of thing, so went with dw suggestion....

And hhmf, how come so many dhs, that you have to specify he is the usual one? And you have seasonal ones??
Sorry, Gone a bit if thread here....

I have a DH I wheel out according to the season.

I will burn the current one on November 5th

katies mummy im so sorry for what you have been through. Please get yourself checked out. Do NOT put up with it. You deserve so much better.
However there does seem to be a slight undercurrent to your posts where you are blaming the women for advertising the services in the first place.
If there wasnt the demand there would be no supply.
You have made a comment on another thread calling them "slutty young women"
Now im willing to bet that your DH will try and put all the blame on the prostitute. Men who do this have to accept responsibility for their own actions. Is that really such a radical concept?

Katiemummy I'm also very sorry you are going through this, but please stop blaming the escort. Your h is the one who has caused this, he has chosen to spend family money on sex, he choose to cheat. He is 100% to blame. Stop trying to make excuses for his behaviour. She didn't take over his mind.

Katie, what Dark and Grip are saying, is very hard to take on board at first, so although you are really angry with the sexworker at the moment, you will eventually get to a place where you truly know that this isn't about her, it is about your husband.

As BOTH counsellors told us this straight away: the OW is irrelevant. She is a symbol, a cipher (of WHAT? This is where your H is telling you who he really is, and how he really thinks. Abuse doesn't lie in a persons wounded past, it lies in how they think. You H found it fine to keep secrets, have different lives and identities - free man/doting father/understanding husband, lie to you, steal from your marriage). Do you get this?

I was so beside myself that it is a miracle that 'my' OW is still alive, let alone intact without a hair on her head being touched or even uncontacted! - but now? I really do forgive her.

She got lied to and used, too. I know how ardent he can be in his charming phase, and how she fell for him. I have no doubt he told her he was going to leave me, he loved her, he had never felt like this before, the sex was amazing, she was his true ... (and all of THOSE things were true at that moment).
It doesn't excuse her decision and choice as an adult to enter into a relationship with a married man - she is responsible for that, but her swift dumping and her humiliation and finding out she got used, that he always WAS unavailable, she just chose to ignore it, is the consequence for that. (and again - what does that ruthlessness and cruelty say about my H and his inner world?)

I am so so sorry - he is a sick selfish shit.

I am so fed up reading yet another story from some poor lied to woman who's just discovered that her supposed partner pays for sex using family money. It's horrific. That they let their children go without so they can satisfy their "needs".

Stay strong, and get legal advice asap. What he's spunked away all these years should absolutely be taken into account in your financial settlement. Never lose sight of that - that's your children's money.

And for goodness sake, stop protecting him. I'm not suggesting you take an ad out in the local paper, but if you need to talk - and god knows most people would want to - don't let a fear of embarrassing him prevent you from being honest. This is NO reflection on you and you should tell it like it is. The only person who'll seem sad and pathetic is him. You owe him nothing.

Katiesm this isnt about you, but about him, as others have said.

For many men it is about having a madonna/whore complex- ie that women are either wives and mothers or people to have sex with, but never both at the same time.

This just add weight to the case of it NOT being about you or the marriage- if he had married anyone it is highly likely that it would have ended up like this.

I also think you should tell his family and yours when you are ready-regardless of what you want from him, as he is the childrens father and is likely to see them in future and the 'outing' of the behaviour will give the best chance it will stop and he will examine himself. So please do tell people.

Can i advise caution about telling all and sundry at this stage. Whilst i agree with everyone that the spineless worm deserves no compassion whatsoever, his family are not responsible for this and it would be devestating for them to find out. Also, families are a funny thing, blood being thicker than water etc and they may well believe him when he tells them that you are lying. He might do this, then you will lose any support you may have gotten from them, if there was to be any anyway. More importantly though i think you need legal advice, speak to your solicitor, if you are citing this as your reason for divorce you do not want to have been telling other people at this stage. They are gonig to find out, and whilst "getting in first" with the truth seems sensible, his family are not going to WANT to believe this so will take what he says rather than the unpleasant truth. What i am saying is, tell them yes, but not now, not when it is so raw - there is time enough for putting your side, right now you have to get your house in order, process your feelings and fight your corner xx

I wouldn't tell too many people about his whoring, he is the father of your children and it would be awful for them to find out at the wrong time from the wrong person.

I think men that 'use' escorts and prostitutes really hate women.

Good grief....