found out husband has been seeing 'escorts' and on seedy websites

[katiemummy2012]

Well I dont know where to start, I am just utterly heartbroken. I am a long time lurker here but havnt posted before but I have just found out the worst news of my life and have no one to turn to I am so embarrassed. I have been with DH altogether 8 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged 5 and 2

I have to admit, me and DH sex life has been pretty crap since our first child was born. I developed quite a few stretch marks due to the pregnancy aswell as gained a small bit of weight (but not loads!), along with the sleepless nights (DS1 was quite a cryer) I just never felt like sex and was physically and emotionally exhausted as a first time mum. DH was working a lot anyway and I presumed he too was tired and didnt want action. I have to begrudgingly admit that I did turn him down a few times because I was feeling so unsexy, but I was sure he would understand as I thought he loved me and its not as if we NEVER had it if you know what i mean. Anyway my DD was born just under 2 years ago and since then our sex life has got even worse.

I started to get suspicious about 3 months ago when I went to check something DH had apparently been looking at for DS's 5th birthday, on DH's laptop and the address bar showed a website address 'adultwork.com' (I will get to this bit later ) I didnt click the site but it said 'adult service....' before it flashed away and then I realised DH had just cleared the history. I thought I'd let it lie as I honestly didnt believe ever that DH would cheat, hes just not that type, a real sweet family man and never a 'jack the lad' kind of man if you get me. I definately would never have guessed DH to be the type to use a 'escort' service, but lo and behold, he has :(

Well it all came to a head yesterday when I picked up DH's phone for a snoop whilst he was on the toilet, he usually never leaves it about but he did this time so i took the opportunity, I know its wrong but I have got so suspicious and paranoid in the last fews months I just knew there was something up, I was just waiting to find it.

There was a txt on there saying 'Hi, its K from Adultwork, call me if you still want the appointment we arranged xxx' my heart just stopped and I knew there and then he has been cheating and contacting escorts. I txt her back pretending to be DH saying I couldnt call now but I do still want the appointment, just to see what she said. She txt back saying 'great babe had so much fun last time, 130pm @ my place it is then xx' - 130pm is when DH is on his dinner, and I wondered why DH hadnt been answering my calls and his phone had been off sometimes when I called him on his dinner

So this meant DH has been there before and has definately cheated. Lets just say that after I confronted him, he DID NOT go to his 'appointment' with this tart. I dont know what to do. I went onto the site and using the number and name checked this 'escort' out. She lives in the nearby town that DH works in (surprise surprise) I was totally shocked because rather than look like a drug addict or a heavily airbrushed model picture like i expected she was a really normal girl, had loads of home porn videos and pictures and was only 21 (DH is 40!) and sickeningly really pretty and slim :( she has like 100 reviews all saying how great in bed and how hot she is. I'm gutted because I bet one of them is from DH. My confidence is in tatters because I think how mumsy I've become and the stretch marks and weight I've now got since the kids. tear I have to stop myself from crying :'(

DH has been crying hard and said that I never have sex and wont give him a blow job so he got so frustrated he has had to go elsewhere, but that he loves me and wants us to stay together. I am infuriated with him, he has cheated on me, not to mention we have been struggling with mortgage repayments and have been struggling to get the money for DDs second birthday presents and party which is next week and this escort costs £120 an hour! So he can fork out for her but not for our DCs birthday or our family home, Im just so angry! He has also told me we cant have a 2013 family holiday because of money! But hes blowing money on sex with women half his age!

So sorry about the length of this post, I just dont know how to deal, I cant tell anyone about this because of DHs reputation. I dont want people thinking hes a sick perve. I dont want to leave him because I know I could have made more effort to have sex, and he wouldnt have had to seek out a younger woman to fulfill him. Please help how I can feel better about this, I dont want my beautiful DC to see me upset or ever find out about this, they adore their daddy :'(

Please do confide in a close friend or family member for RL support - you will need lots during the coming months.

Sending virtual hugs. Don't think there are words to say from over here that can help.
Your DCs will give you the strength you need to get through this and you will be ok - eventually.

Of course you are crying all the time at the moment - don't do or say anything rash. Focus on your DCs and I'm so pleased he's bringing you some cash so you can treat your DD. you go ahead and spoil that little girl.

I'm so sorry for you, but you will get through this - one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Small steps not big ones.

I hope you find someone in RL who can give you support too. Take care xx

Keep him away from you like the dog he is

Disgusting man

What a poor role model for your precious little girl

Three years? Aye and the rest

I'm sorry but I just don't believe that a man suddenly wakes up at the age of 37 and decides it is a)acceptable and b)a good idea to start using prostitutes on a regular basis.

These sorts of habits and fantasies tend to be formed early in adulthood and I would bet my bottom dollar that this is something he had explored at least once, earlier in his life, probably before he even met you.

Certainly when it comes to blaming you, this 'three years' business fits in very nicely doesn't it. In his head this paints him as the patient husband who 'put up' with a crap sex life for two years and then in a fit of desperation, was forced to seek out sex workers to fulfill his 'needs'.

Well I call bullshit

And what of this young woman he has seen fit to buy?

She is only twenty one years old.

She is somebody's daughter.

What sort of circumstances have put her into a position in which she feels she has to sell sex to men twice her age, whom she may well find repulsive?

She could be the victim of forced prostitution.

She could well be being abused by a violent pimp.

Maybe she has been trafficked.

She is as much a victim of your darling husband as you are.

You don't know that she is as much a victim. She might not be all of those things you suggest.

I agree with the OP that it has become personal. He must enjoy having sex with her as he keeps going back. Won't be personal from her side but he has probably fallen for her to a degree or it is comfortable for him going to the same woman. His interest in a girl 20 years younger is a bit sickening isn't it? You have a daughter. Can he not relate to that? I find it weird that any man would lust after someone who is young enough to be his daughter.

A one off with huge remorse may be forgivable if given time.

3 years of spending £120 a pop on escorts is unforgivable. You might as well start the ball rolling now on the split front as you can't come back from this. No one could.

No she may not Maleview. But she might. And, crucially, he doesn't know either way.

Women tend not to do these jobs for fun you know.

3 years fucking the same girl ?

and she is only 21 now ?

it gets worse

he is obsessed with the same prostitute

he possibly started paying her for sex when she was 18yo

he wants an affair with her but she wouldn't touch his nob with a bargepole under usual circumstances, unless he erodes her consent with the fee (that money that should have been enriching your family life)

lovely

It isnt the same girl for the full 3 years I dont think, he admitted he has been seeing this girl for about a year and a half () and no one else as apparently 'going with lots of different girls would be worse' - this is my DH talking here, Im thinking he had a different regular girl before this one came along, he is being pretty honest and I think the secret keeping has got to him

Im gutted because I do feel its personal, as I said she must do something for him to keep returning to her, from what DH has said he was a very occasional visitor to random escort girls when he first started and has been visiting more regularly with this certain woman, probably why our sex life died a complete death in the last year and half or so, I'm furious I practically feel like my DH has fallen for someone else!

hes still begging for me back but Im not taking it, this has destroyed me and Im furious he dares put my children through this

DCs are doing fine, they are clueless as to whats happened bless them, Ive told them Daddy is staying with Auntie for a few weeks because Uncle needs help around the house :( so they are just fine, children are very easily adapted, thinking what I will say to them in the long term though is another story

this forum has helped me so much in giving me a place to vent, I'd feel so embarrassed admitting the extent of his cheating to my RL friends and family, I just feel like a failure and a fool, i hate my DH :( xxx

I'm pretty sure the woman is not trafficked or forced, she writes her own blogs talking about her day, weekends out and her pet animals :O, and has loads of home movies shes clearly made herself

she has loads of pictures, some of them of her in the supermarket and out with her friends dressed like a hooker! :) that she looks very happy in and according to her 'clients' on her feedback she enjoys herself very much :/ Im not denying that DH could have seen a forced woman at one point or that some of them are forced, but Im convinced this woman is doing it of her own accord and seems to be quite happy about it, I mean if she enjoys fucking my DH (and if she was crying or not wanting it I doubt DH would return time and time again) surely that affection is going to rub off on him :/

maybe Im just being silly, head all over the place and that

No. Don't go shopping with the money.

Use it as a retainer for the solicitors. DON'T spend money now -you have to start squirrelling.

Also DH when asked why he did this before telling me how he honestly felt about our sexlife, said he 'didnt want to worry me', I always seemed too tired for sex and he didnt want to make it worse, and that he 'found it hard' to tell me how he really felt I mean wtf, hes been with me for 8 years and he finds it hard to tell me hes unhappy with our sex life!

I feel no future with my DH right now and not sure if I ever will again, I can tell he is devastated but to be honest I think its just because I found out

You are not a failure, you are not a fool either Katie, you are just an unfortunate female who has picked the wrong male for a lifepartner.

He will never be faithful and l doubt he could ever give these escorts up even if he wanted to, The fact that he was willing to put the health of his wife and DC at risk spells our clearly just what kind of man he is.
He does not love you or the DC's enough--he loves himself and his seedy lifestyle more.
Has he told his sister why you have kicked him out.
It will not seem real to him until he has to face up to people knwing what a lowlife he is. You honestly need RL support.

I bet this has been going on longer than he admits..much longer/ But this particular escort is now 21 so she must have been in her teens when this started. WRONG WRONMG WRONG on so many levels

You and you DC's deserve so much better. Please do not let him fool you with promises of change, it wont happen. Having a family didn't stop him, his DC's couldn't stop him
He will only get better at deceiving you in future

Yuck - you are married to a man who is a vile pig :(

If he's been seeing prostitutes 3x a month for 3 years, he's spent nearly £13k so it's going to take him a long time to pay that back.

And don't feel ashamed - you haven't done anything wrong. He should feel horribly ashamed. For buying sex, for not talking, for putting you and your DC's health at risk, for putting his desire to stick his cock into young women over your home and his children's happiness

She has pictures up of herself in the supermarket? And blogs about her pets?

Is this all part of the "girlfriend experience"?

Bizarre.

This woman may not have been trafficked but she must have come from a vulnerable background and conditioned from childhood to feel ok about making a living in this way. Like porn stars, they do have to play the part of happy hooker - its how she pulls in the business.

And the SHAME is all his - not you x

(AF - sorry but he is far worse than a dog)

Doha it happens to the best of us, doesnt it?

The thought that sickens me a lot is how young this woman is, and any other woman he might have seen, I thought DH was an adult interested in women nearer to his own age, he is old enough to be the father of these women and I dont know how he can do it given he has his own DD!

Are men just from another planet when it comes to sex? His sister knows we have fell out and have asked DH all the usual questions 'Have one of you cheated?' 'Is it an affair?' etc but I have told him to keep shut for now until I can deal with the embarrassment of it all, I think DH feels the same

I would tell his sister - he deserves to be shamed for having such a dirty habit. You do not need to tell the world though.

Honestly Katie love YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about. Let the whole world know he is a wanker.
I am sure he is delighted you have not told anyone, he is probably spinning some yarn right now....

You can tell the children whatever you like, they dont need to know the truth.

You havent done anything wrong....The only thing you could do wrong is take him back. If you do then expect a lifetime of misery. I know it seems horrible to be on your own but it isnt.

Nobody deserves this and it really is unorgiveable.

Madabout I agree, i find it disgusting he is fine with fucking a woman who could possibly be emotionally damaged, the idea of him paying a lot of money to fuck a much younger woman just hurts me to no end anyway :'(

No katie, most men are not from another planet when it comes to sex. Most men are thrilled when their partners are carrying their child and then dedicating their time and energy to caring for that child.

Most men don't use prostitutes.

Yes, he is probably painting you as a nasty vindictive cow right now....get your side of the story in while you can.