found out husband has been seeing 'escorts' and on seedy websites

[katiemummy2012]

Well I dont know where to start, I am just utterly heartbroken. I am a long time lurker here but havnt posted before but I have just found out the worst news of my life and have no one to turn to I am so embarrassed. I have been with DH altogether 8 years, married for 6 and have 2 DC aged 5 and 2

I have to admit, me and DH sex life has been pretty crap since our first child was born. I developed quite a few stretch marks due to the pregnancy aswell as gained a small bit of weight (but not loads!), along with the sleepless nights (DS1 was quite a cryer) I just never felt like sex and was physically and emotionally exhausted as a first time mum. DH was working a lot anyway and I presumed he too was tired and didnt want action. I have to begrudgingly admit that I did turn him down a few times because I was feeling so unsexy, but I was sure he would understand as I thought he loved me and its not as if we NEVER had it if you know what i mean. Anyway my DD was born just under 2 years ago and since then our sex life has got even worse.

I started to get suspicious about 3 months ago when I went to check something DH had apparently been looking at for DS's 5th birthday, on DH's laptop and the address bar showed a website address 'adultwork.com' (I will get to this bit later ) I didnt click the site but it said 'adult service....' before it flashed away and then I realised DH had just cleared the history. I thought I'd let it lie as I honestly didnt believe ever that DH would cheat, hes just not that type, a real sweet family man and never a 'jack the lad' kind of man if you get me. I definately would never have guessed DH to be the type to use a 'escort' service, but lo and behold, he has :(

Well it all came to a head yesterday when I picked up DH's phone for a snoop whilst he was on the toilet, he usually never leaves it about but he did this time so i took the opportunity, I know its wrong but I have got so suspicious and paranoid in the last fews months I just knew there was something up, I was just waiting to find it.

There was a txt on there saying 'Hi, its K from Adultwork, call me if you still want the appointment we arranged xxx' my heart just stopped and I knew there and then he has been cheating and contacting escorts. I txt her back pretending to be DH saying I couldnt call now but I do still want the appointment, just to see what she said. She txt back saying 'great babe had so much fun last time, 130pm @ my place it is then xx' - 130pm is when DH is on his dinner, and I wondered why DH hadnt been answering my calls and his phone had been off sometimes when I called him on his dinner

So this meant DH has been there before and has definately cheated. Lets just say that after I confronted him, he DID NOT go to his 'appointment' with this tart. I dont know what to do. I went onto the site and using the number and name checked this 'escort' out. She lives in the nearby town that DH works in (surprise surprise) I was totally shocked because rather than look like a drug addict or a heavily airbrushed model picture like i expected she was a really normal girl, had loads of home porn videos and pictures and was only 21 (DH is 40!) and sickeningly really pretty and slim :( she has like 100 reviews all saying how great in bed and how hot she is. I'm gutted because I bet one of them is from DH. My confidence is in tatters because I think how mumsy I've become and the stretch marks and weight I've now got since the kids. tear I have to stop myself from crying :'(

DH has been crying hard and said that I never have sex and wont give him a blow job so he got so frustrated he has had to go elsewhere, but that he loves me and wants us to stay together. I am infuriated with him, he has cheated on me, not to mention we have been struggling with mortgage repayments and have been struggling to get the money for DDs second birthday presents and party which is next week and this escort costs £120 an hour! So he can fork out for her but not for our DCs birthday or our family home, Im just so angry! He has also told me we cant have a 2013 family holiday because of money! But hes blowing money on sex with women half his age!

So sorry about the length of this post, I just dont know how to deal, I cant tell anyone about this because of DHs reputation. I dont want people thinking hes a sick perve. I dont want to leave him because I know I could have made more effort to have sex, and he wouldnt have had to seek out a younger woman to fulfill him. Please help how I can feel better about this, I dont want my beautiful DC to see me upset or ever find out about this, they adore their daddy :'(

Dont be a mug OP---another chance. Your self confidence must be in your boots to even consider this

Just a thought if he has been giving her oral and then kissing the DC's--he needs an STI check asap
The health of the DC's could be at risk.
SUCH A GOOD DAD

he is the type of man to do this

Yes, agree he is the type and he had done it and worse than that he blamed you for it..

You need to stop seeing this prostitute as an OW threat. He has paid for sex with her, she isn't an OW, you are not competing with her for his affections, she likely only wants his money. For all you know she's sickened by what she is required to do to get it.

He is not a prize. Not a good dad, not a good partner and I would be completely surprised if this is the first time he has used prostitutes. I also find it hard to believe he has normal or healthy views about women if he is so comfortable with paying a young woman who is likely vulnerable too for sex, even more so because he has blamed you and because actually I don't think YOU have normal healthy views about sex either.

Oh Sweetheart first thing you have to do is separate in your head this is a
romantic encouter. It's a financial transaction and has no reflection on you.

It isn't the escorts fault. She is legally earning a living - so put her to one side. Your anger is to directly at your husbands door and no one elses.

Why should you have to compete with a 21 yr old offering sex? You are the mother of his children. Either he wants to make his family work or he wants to follow his dick...

So sorry to hear that this has happened OP. You know it is very possible that he has form for this from before you were married. Your impressions of him may have been wrong.

Of course it is not easy in a relationship when one partner has a higher sex drive but we are living in a day and age where it is acceptable to discuss these things be it with the doctor for a referral to a psychosexual counsellor to friends just to get support. Rather than choose to talk to you about it he chose to sneak off and pay for sex. I'd say the lack of sex is a red herring here. If he compares sex with a prostitute to sex with you he has serious issues. It is extremely likely that there is something more to what turns him on about sex with prostitutes, be it power, be it being "naughty" or other reasons. This is not just about getting a physical release.

As for the amounts he has spent while you struggle to pay the bills and go without holidays - you have every right to be furious.

Meanwhile, please work on not letting this destroy your already fragile body confidence. Stretch marks etc. do not make you unattractive.

sorry theres so many posts here and some great advice, thanks :)

boodles i dont know if he has an account I tried his email but no, so he might have a seperate email account, anyone know if its in anyway possible to find out?

Catrin, I found 'aworks' on his bank statement, with small payments of £20, so looks like he may have been subscribing to her 'private' gallery which is £3 for a days worth of looking! or hes been going on cam with her but i doubt that I probably would have caught him, being im in the house all the time

im gutted i found this but i searched it on google and was actually redirected here, more things for dearest 'husband' to explain when he comes back tomorrow! (probably for the rest of his stuff )

how did he think he would hide that much money going on prostitutes in such a short time, long term ?

he has developed a compulsion, I am afraid, quite possibly escalated from years of porn use (which you said you "didn't mind" < sigh> )

not your fault love, but I believe he will do it again, the very next time your marriage has a little "dip"

He needs to know there is an immediate consequence to his behaviour. Kick him out and they go to counselling, if you still want to make the marriage work.

DH has also booked an STI test I believe for Tuesday, and I am definately not going near him sexually right now! The thought makes me cringe, but given time maybe if he proves he hasnt still been seeing these women I can move on and regain my confidence

i do still enjoy sex and as i said me and DH do have sex its just not as often as I know he would like, ideally i would like more too to feel that closeness we felt at first, but I have an inquisitive 5 year old and really worry about him walking in whilst we're in a huge sweaty pile, and that on top of my body issues makes it so uncomfortable and then when your worrying about the school run etc it all gets too much

i do think DH should have taken me on a romantic and stress free weekend away and the DCs could have gone to family members instead of forking out on sex with another woman

how will he prove he has stopped, love ?

and how long will he have to continue "proving" it, bearing in mind he was doing it in his lunch hour ?

I think he will very soon be back in your bed

I wish you could see you deserve better than this low-life

happyhalloween i didnt see the money go missing as ive been allowing DH to sort the finances out, and hadnt looked at bank details for ages as i trusted him, I'v been a SAHM relying mostly on his money :( i feel like such a fool

I bet he thinks a prostitute isn't an affair. It's all emotionaless and just a financial transaction.

Sorry to put a sweeping generalisation in, but men can be a bit simple like that. (sorry blokes that may be reading)

Nonetheless, she is not your concern. Your husband is.

Oh no, I'm definately not allowing him back in

my feelings and emotions are everywhere, one minute I want to forgive him and wish I'd never found out so we could continue our family life in bliss, next I want to crucify DH and he makes me sick and angry

I'm so worried for my DCs they love their dad so much and I cant move them from their home and DH pays the mortgage :'(

its so hard I'm so grateful for all the support on here xxx

and its funny because round about the time I first saw the 'adultwork' website on DHs laptop it was summer and I was suggesting booking our family holiday for next year, and he was extremely shirty and told me we cant go away next year as we cant afford it!

when I think about it I'm so infuriated he'd rather spend money fucking another woman than on a holiday with me and our two children :'( how can he do this?

Give it a couple od days and he will be back in your bed--knuckled rapped like a naughty schoolboy. Sweep it all under the carpet...

until the next time..

I'm so sorry op. Do not worry about the practicalities of what happens if you spilt permanently, it's the last thing you need.

He is the lowest of the low though and the fact that he's effectively shifting the blame on to you, and worse still, you're accepting that you had a part to play in him visiting a bloody prostitute!

Decent men DO NOT spend £360 of family money (and he was clearly planning on spending almost £500 before he was caught out) on doing something so vile.

Whether you were as sexually active as he would have liked or not, it is not ok that he has done this. A decent husband would have talked to you about his concerns and have a wank if it was relief he was after, not shag a pro in his lunch hour then say he can't afford the mortgage payment or stuff for your DC's birthday.

Your H isn't decent, not by a long shot.

for you! He can do this because he is weak and pathetic, i hope he is utterly ashamed of himself, i don't know how he can bare to look at himself.

I totally understand your feelings of wishing you never knew, but honey, ignorance really isn't bliss, it would have always been there, in the background for him, it is what has stopped him from making an effort with your sex life. He didn't have to make the effort, he took the easy way out. So fucking what if he didn't get it as much as he wanted it. Lovemaking is about two people wanting and enjoying intimacy, not about one person getting their rocks off and the other obliging, despite the other person not making the effort to ensure that you feel desirable.

It is all very easy for us to stand here and say, leave the bastard, but i actually think you will leave him and that eventually you will be happier for doing so. I predict that you will meet a man who does value you and cherish you and he will make you feel like the sexiest woman alive. Your 'D'H will be a macdonalds daddy and still paying for sex, he will be a very lonely and pathetic man that people will pity. I almost feel sorry for him, he doesn't realise what he has lost. You sound like an amazing and loving mother, your children will be fine because they have got you!

I sadly agree with Doha, you're making all the sounds of somebody who's going to let this one slide, have more sex (winner for him!) And then be doubly shocked when you find out he's been at it again...except it's not about lack of sex really, is it?

Men who use prostitutes are a different breed altogether.

Sorry to hear you re going thru so much. Like other posters I really feel that you need to confide in a friend and talk this out. If not can you speak to Relate? I found them so supportive when I was dealing with my STBX 's infidelity and even when he refused to go the sessions on my own really helped. I can't recommend them enough. It might be a bit early for that now.... Can you get a bit of space between you and dh? Can he stay elsewhere? Give you space to cry/shout/get your head together?

Probably before all this you would have said, in any other situation where you were so shocked and upset and confused, it would be your husband you instinctively turned to, to make it all right.

The fact that it's he who has caused all this pain is so sad.

Nobody here can tell you what to do, it's your life, but please think over what's been written here.

In the time I typed my posting so much more has been revealed it s a bit redundant! Sorry! Don t feel pressured into doing anything other than what YOU feel is right. PLEASE talk this through with a friend, there s too much spinning around your head to get clarity. It took me a long time to get to the point of telling my STBX to leave and stay away. My issues of low self esteem, isolation and financial dependence influenced my actions. I naively thought he would change, he did nt, but I could only stand up to him when I was ready. Be kind to yourself. You ve a lot to contend with. Other posters may see it as black or white but when you re in the eye of the storm it's hard to see clearly.....

you say he pays the mortgage

if you divorce, it is likely he will still have to pay it (or most of it)

just a thought...