My husband is a total twunt, isn't he????

[wandymum]

This evening I was supposed to be going out for drinks with the mums from DS's prep-school.

Weeks ago, I sent DH an e-mail asking if he could come home early (for him - about 8pm) so I could go. He replied yes. I wrote it on the calendar (over which we have had many 'Outnubered' style rows in the past).

Today we have had both sets of grandparents here for lunch plus builders starting work and two under 5s to chase around. I forgot to remind him this morning, but left a voicemail and a message with his secretary asking him to call me. I sent a text to his mobile and left a voicemail on it - we were in the car on speaker so kids heard his answerphone kick in too (bizarre detail now but will become relevant).

He didn't turn up. I sent a text saying understand you have a lot on and have forgotten, don't worry have cancelled (had arranged lifts etc... so all slightly awkward but these things happen).

He arrived a couple of hours later in a grump because I hadn't cooked. Very grumpy.

I complained this was unfair given that I hadn't even expected to be in (was actually pretty polite considering). He said I had never told him about my plans.

Showed him my e-mail and his response, calendar and texts.

He says I verbally told him I didn't want to go and that I have the wrong mobile number for him so he never got the messages. I really don't believe I can do because when we called from the car his voice was on the answerphone. DS is 4 so will be able to confirm tomorrow. He doens't deny I left a voicemail on his work phone but says as I didn't say it was urgent, I shouldn't have expected a response.

He is a total arse isn't he?

If not then I must be insane and, despite some close calls in the past few years, I'm pretty sure I am not.

What do I do?

It really wouldn't be a big issue if he'd just say sorry I f**ked up but am freaked out by his insistance it is my fault.

I've been re-reading too...?

BF - I have reported your post as I think you have posted on the wrong thread. I think your comments apply to the whining kids one, but they are not applicable here. Tx

WTF - the thread just shifted to the Twilight Zone...

Glad it's not just me .

I noticed it too, but I am meant to have left the thread, so couldn't comment < shuffles feet >

I think we need to re-start from Hilde's post.

OP hope you get past the thread confusion. My hope is that following the no dinner putting your foot down is that you are starting to get the msg across to your DH. Wishing you all the best...

Oh bloody arseholes! I spent ages on that too!

So so sorry OP :(

I feel very silly

Not surprised with a bogey on your face . Just do a copy and paste to the right thread. clearly not intentional.

I dunnarf feel stupid though.....going to cringe for days about this one!

Don't feel bad. Someone on here (defo not me, I'd deregister and die of shame) once posted on a MMC thread something like "aw Hun, don't worry about it, it just stings a bit. Don't be such a fucking baby." Thinking she was posting on a. Style and Beauty thread about Brazilian waxing. 'twas a few years ago. Obvs she had it deleted as fast as possible. and then PMd dying of shame

Wandymum it isn't point scoring you should be worrying about.

What you need to do is make a plan. With various options, to help decide what you are going to do. Eg, 1.If DH agrees to go for counselling, then I will give him X mongths in which I will decide if we are staying together or not. Or 2.Have honest talk with at DH explaining that I do not like his treatment of me and does he plan to change, explain that if not I will feel the need to separate. 3. Explain that you are not going to argue with DH about what has or hasn't happened in the past but feel that you are not happy with the present situation and what does he plan to do about it. 4. Leave things as they are at present and start to arrange a separate life for yourself which doesn't depend on DH. 5. Put things in place for separation so that you can carry it out if need be thus ensuring DH doesn't think he can improve for a few weeks before returning to his unreasonable ways. ETc

Don't waste your time arguing over the latest shenanigins. They are just the final straw.

OP I second those saying don't give in or back down with one caveat... do it calmly. Hard I know. My Dad used to do this with my Mum until eventually she exploded in to tears/rage/*insert any strong emotional reaction here.

We would end up feeling sympathetic towards Dad having to deal with this volatile, hysterical woman. It ruined our relationship with her during my late teens/early twenties and it's never really recovered. The same fate befell our relationship with Dad a few years later when we realised his part in her "behaviour". We all get on now, and none of us have ever doubted our love for each other, but the feeling of never really knowing what's going to walk through the door when they come to visit has never left me... and I kind of resent that.

The fact that they get on well now makes me wish that they'd tried harder at fixing it way back then. My Dad knows he treated Mum badly and knows he is lucky to have his "best friend" to grow old with. I wish they hadn't waited for old age to mellow them before realising that perhaps they could be bothered to fix it after all.

BTW Hilde... no offense taken! I wouldn't wish feeling the way I do about marriage or the behaviour I default to in relationships on anyone... hence feeling strongly enough to post.

Listen to Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You". She wrote it to her parents. It says most of what I would like to be brave enough to say to mine.

I've never listened to the words of that song, they're really powerful. I would think that any of us who have had childhoods growing up with an abusive parent can relate to it.

It's about divorce rather than abuse Agatha... but yes the meaning could translate just as well...

Duh... I have just realised what you meant Agatha! Ignore my previous comment... having a blonde day...

The fact that they get on well now makes me wish that they'd tried harder at fixing it way back then. My Dad knows he treated Mum badly and knows he is lucky to have his "best friend" to grow old with. I wish they hadn't waited for old age to mellow them before realising that perhaps they could be bothered to fix it after all.

Or perhaps, previously he knew she would stay because of the children, he now perhaps realises that she has no reason to stay with him so he is trying harder. Abusive men need their victim to be by their side. Sorry if that's a bit dark and negative, I hope you can prove me wrong!

PLEASE go back to work. Seriously. I had to face what you are facing at 50, been a SAHM for over 20 years. You get isolated and dependent as a SAHM, I mean, losing sight of yourself as an effective and (monetarily) valued person.

I really would urge you to go back to work, even part time.

Well said, Brycie!

Betty, I have to tell you that you are applying the rules of a healthy relationship (where people meet eachother half way to resolve things) to an unhealthy one (where one person is not interested in the feelings of the other, only their own wants and needs).

Believe me, I tried your solution for 15 years. My reward was him cheating on me 'because he felt angry'. I have now woken up to the disrespect, the blaming - well I always knew that one, but was sure with Betty's solutions he 'would get it' - and the signalling of no intention to change.

Why? Because I had the 'love peace and family at all costs' attitude of the OP, and ceded more and more power over to him.

Brycie said it beautifully, but you are wrong.

Where is he until 10, that's really late to be out at work?

Or perhaps, previously he knew she would stay because of the children, he now perhaps realises that she has no reason to stay with him so he is trying harder. Abusive men need their victim to be by their side. Sorry if that's a bit dark and negative, I hope you can prove me wrong

Well, DCs have left home so he doesn't have to compete for her attention.... is another reason he is being reasonable. I assume DM is at home pandering to DF and not dashing about with career and hobbies.

He is still acting like everything is okeydokey. Struggling to keep up the hard shoulder. I'm naturally pretty chatty and struggle not to slip into conversations.

He is out until 10 at work. His job is full on and he is a workaholic. I don't believe he is up to anything else. He barely thinks about anything else.

Although I haven't gone back to law, I have worked part-time since having the children. I run an internet business from home so I do have some financial independence and at least don't have a big gap on my CV.

You are struggling with the "hard shoulder" after 24 hours ?

it's not going to work is it ?

how soon before it's business as usual for all of you ?

another 24 ?

the other poor woman on the whiny baby thread with the strange childcare ideas and unpleasant husband also had 'an Internet business'. I wonder if controlling men like this as it keeps the women at home.

Anyway. No one says you have to leave this man tonight. Maybe it's a one off and he's OK really.

But you used to be a lawyer so why not write up a case for the prosecution and a case for the defence? Write it up, as in list the outright lies that can be proved. Or where maybe you've got it wrong. You could organise another mums night out. Give him the chance to cover himself in glory. If he loves and respects you he'll make every effort to make sure you get to attend.

If he is an abusive arse then over the next few months/ year it will become obvious from the list. Then you can start investigating how you would leave.

Staying for the children doesn't sound great. Especially when posters who are the grown up children from abusive fathers come along and issue dire warnings like Marley's ghost. Observe how the dc act around daddy. Are they happy and relaxed?

You can ignore this episode and carry on life as normal. But you only get one life. Why aren't you allowed to be happy and treated with respect?