My husband is a total twunt, isn't he????

[wandymum]

This evening I was supposed to be going out for drinks with the mums from DS's prep-school.

Weeks ago, I sent DH an e-mail asking if he could come home early (for him - about 8pm) so I could go. He replied yes. I wrote it on the calendar (over which we have had many 'Outnubered' style rows in the past).

Today we have had both sets of grandparents here for lunch plus builders starting work and two under 5s to chase around. I forgot to remind him this morning, but left a voicemail and a message with his secretary asking him to call me. I sent a text to his mobile and left a voicemail on it - we were in the car on speaker so kids heard his answerphone kick in too (bizarre detail now but will become relevant).

He didn't turn up. I sent a text saying understand you have a lot on and have forgotten, don't worry have cancelled (had arranged lifts etc... so all slightly awkward but these things happen).

He arrived a couple of hours later in a grump because I hadn't cooked. Very grumpy.

I complained this was unfair given that I hadn't even expected to be in (was actually pretty polite considering). He said I had never told him about my plans.

Showed him my e-mail and his response, calendar and texts.

He says I verbally told him I didn't want to go and that I have the wrong mobile number for him so he never got the messages. I really don't believe I can do because when we called from the car his voice was on the answerphone. DS is 4 so will be able to confirm tomorrow. He doens't deny I left a voicemail on his work phone but says as I didn't say it was urgent, I shouldn't have expected a response.

He is a total arse isn't he?

If not then I must be insane and, despite some close calls in the past few years, I'm pretty sure I am not.

What do I do?

It really wouldn't be a big issue if he'd just say sorry I f**ked up but am freaked out by his insistance it is my fault.

[imtheonlyone]

Lots of good advice on here .... I agree with catsmother and hildebrandosgettingbetter .... They really have hit on the key factors here.
I had a similar relationship with my now EXH! He was a total arse, spent all his time doing things without the family (we had two DSs) together and was hugely controlled by him. Looking back I was a shell o a woman - I used to physically tense up when I heard him arrive home and breathe a sigh of relief when he left for work. Again he was a different man after the DCs and I think someone else mentioned this - some men can't cope with no longer being your number one focus!
Anyway, years of counselling (and I would get some if you feel you need it because it was the only thing that gave me the courage to leave) helped me on my way to recovery - that and the AD tablets!!
I left because I didn't want my children to grow up in an unhappy household, because I wanted to be me, because I wanted to be happy, because I deserve better, because he clearly wasn't happy either. Every now and then he would 'try' for a bit but always reverted to the same old useless person.
And do you know what, my kids are amazing now - they are such happy little boys, they love spending time with me and thy love spending time with daddy. And he is finally being a good dad! I think because he can his own selfish arse for 12 days out of 14, when they go and stay he actually makes an effort to do things with them.
Your DP sounds a bit of a bully to be honest, which mine was too. Leaving him was sooooo hard, I did love him but not in the end. You have to be very firm to make them realise how serious you are. I left things too late, he realised too late and in the end I no longer loved him or wanted to be with him. If he had realised before ....maybe .... The night I told him I wanted a divorce was AWFUL .... He sobbed and sobbed and sat at my feet begging me to change my mind ..... But it had gone too far by then. But only the counselling made me strong enough to believe in my decision and to stick by it. The counselling didn't tell me what to do: I figured that out for myself but only with their help!
No one knows what is right for you and yours .... You will know, but please do something because what you are experiencing now is just awful. It's abuse and its wrong.
Take care x

[Jux]

You need to lay down the rules now, before your children imbibe this attitude that mummy and they themselves are less important than daddy.

It is bullying, so if you're going to stay with him, you have to be incredibly strong to withstand the effects a relationship with him will have. You will have to set an example to your children too, of how to deal with this sort of thing, without being wholly taken over by it and becoming someone you don't want to be. This is going to be very hard for your children to do, much much harder for them than for you.

Think about it long and hard.

[NicknameTaken]

Because of your previous work, you do not have a balanced view of divorce. You've seen the worst situations at their worst point. Even in the most vitriolic situations you've encountered, the drama died down over time, past the time of your involvement.

Being free of a gaslighting/manipulative bastard is an utter delight, it really is. Yes, he might fail them by not spending time with them, but if this is his true character, frankly, he's going to fail them one way or another, whether you're together or apart, whether that failure comes from his relationship with them or his lack of relationship with them.

You can't make this situation work by making a sacrifice of yourself. Take it from one who's tried and eventually had to admit failure.

[Sandinmyshoes]

My mum stayed in a marriage like this for us. We never saw them argue (until we were in our teens). But we did grow up with a twisted view of how a marriage should be and that Dad was more important than Mum and that work was more important than family. I was grateful for every bit of attention I got from Dad and never saw it as a right - always a treat. This has transferred to my adult life. I let men get away with treating me like this, almost encourage it in a way as I automatically assume the role of being grateful for any bit of attention and overlook their bad points because "they're a nice person and nice to me most of the time". I know it, and I fight it but it's so ingrained into how I was brought up it happens time and time again eventually.

OP if your relationship doesn't change, your children WILL end up in relationships like this. You are teaching them that this is what marriage is and should be like. It's horrible to watch your parents in a relationship like this, and as your kids get older they will notice.

I don't think I will ever forgive them for not divorcing. And I don't think I will ever marry either. The fear of ending up like them is too great. My sister is married but whenever her husband makes the slightest (genuine) mistake, she fears that he is starting to put her in the role my mother was in and a huge row ensues.

Now they're older and retired Mum and Dad are getting on OK. But for me and my sister the damage is pretty much life long. I'm not saying you should walk away, but you should make sure that you change it. Imagine what you would want your children to have from their future marriage and start living it.

[grannyagedmummy]

Not read it all but if I go out I leave my DH a meal. I wouldn't expect him to come home at 8pm, look after the kids and cook a meal.

Could you not leave a message with his secretary to remind him you were going out rather than just to call?

Other than that he is a completely selfish twunt who should be abandoned once in a while with two DC under 5 while you go out and enjoy yourself :)

[dreamingbohemian]

Sand that's a very powerful post. OP, I hope it resonates with you. And I hope you are doing okay today. This must be a lot to take on.

[Fillybuster]

I'm concerned the OP hasn't been back for a while. Wandy, can you just let us know if you're ok?

[spooktrain]

It sounds like you are just embarking on a process of realisation that promises to be deeply unsettling and painful. The realisation that you are actually worth more than this. That you deserve to be treated lovingly, and loved for yourself as a person, and aided and cherished. That is what a relationship should be, when it comes down to it. That is the kind of relationship we want for our children, isn't it?
I believe you are a strong and intelligent woman, and I believe that realisation will come, over time. Keep talking.

[fiventhree]

I think the point is, not that he will definitely do this , that or the other (that any of us have experienced ourselves), but that he is displaying behaviour and attitude which is completely consistent with our own earlier experiences.

He could easily change, but he will only do so if the OP protects her boundaries. This is achieved by challenging him, making it clear to him that he is not believed and that she has perceived the message underlying his actions, namely that he matters more than her.

[waltermittymissus]

Everything ok OP?

You're so sure that you wouldn't leave. But are you really sure that you're doing what's best for your children?

They're so perceptive. They pick up on falseness, better than adults most times!

Don't have them growing up thinking that this is an acceptable family life. A man who treats them like shit (and ignoring them IS treating them like shit) and a woman who seems a bit of a doormat (sorry).

[solidgoldbrass]

OK, OP, here's the bottom line.
Your husband hates women. He is a predator who picked on you, a clever woman with a good job, as a challenge. All your MH problems are down to his deliberate undermining of you and active attempts to harm you.

This man sees marriage as a contest for him to win, not a partnership. He will treat your children in the same way as they grow old enough to have opinions of their own. And if you stand up to him, he will ramp up his abuse of you; intimidation, shouting, 'accidentally' treading on your feet, shutting your hand in the door, knocking you over, dropping and spilling things on you.

And after that he will progress to direct physical violence, because in his mind he is 'training' you, like a dog(which is what he really thinks you are, a pet/domestic appliance/fuckhole, not a person) to know your place.

It is not possible to change a man with this mindset, the level of deliberate cruelty and malice in his behaviour is too high. Get rid as soon as possible. Best of luck.

[peppapigpants]

Just to add to SGB's words of wisdom, my emotionally abusive exH is now treating our 15yo DD in a very similar way to the way he used to treat me.

Stay with him, and you may find that the imagined hurt you are protecting them from is lesser than the hurt they face by staying.

[fiventhree]

SGB, I dont think that's necessarily true.

I think this sort of man may hate women or may just not respect them, or see them as equal, deep down. I think they fear them, actually, as they they are worried they may get power over them. Definitely, they like clever wives (whatever that means) and see them as a challenge. They usually have poor relations with other men (but often very good ones with lots of charm on the surface)., but not always. Pittman says that they over compete with other men, and fear or disrespect women.

However, this sort of bloke comes in a whole heap of shades and flavours and may not be at all violent. Possibly, just a total bullshitter and verbally aggressive (eventually) when they feel cornered or caught out.

My h was very similar to this man after our children came along. However, he was never in any way violent, and violence would disgust him.

We also dont know enough from the OP about other incidents. Or about his attitude to the children when he is there at the weekend to say he would treat them deliberately badly. He may, in fact, over compensate later on by 'spoiling' them, as my h did, because he over-identified with them in certain situations as a result of his on childhood.

But I do think the OP should take another look at her relationship, and that it wont get better without very serious and sustained challenge.

OP are you still there? How are you?

[remsby]

I'm not sure it's always helpful to describe ways in which abuse becomes more severe. It may make OP think well he's not really as bad as that so perhaps I can live with this. The situAtion the op has described is enough food for thought anyway.

[Brycie]

He's a shocker. Write him The Email telling him why. You have to challenge it, how grim.

[wandymum]

Hello. Sorry still here and fine.

I sent him an e-mail this morning saying that his behaviour yesterday was not acceptable. He hasn't replied but has sent me an e-mail about some work we are having done at the house.

This is his usual tactic when I am annoyed with him. Ignore it and carry on like everything is fine until I give up.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

He sounds like a Grade-A twat.

If I were you and could earn good money, I would go back to work. Get some independence back and rock his boat.

[YellowTulips]

You can't allow him to ignore your email. Try not cooking his dinner tonight given his strop yesterday and say so you won't be doing so until he shows you some f'ing respect. A marriage is a partnership and if he wants to opt out of showing you basic courtesy you will respond in kind.

[wandymum]

Great minds think alike. Have just eaten with the DCs and will do so until he gets the message.

[Brycie]

In future always get a babysitter, perhaps he'll take notice hwen he see his money walking out the front door.

Yes go on strike. You have to get through to him.

[fiventhree]

My best advice to you would be not to give up. At all, even when you get to the point in the week where you start to tell yourself, 'oh FFS, its only about silly issue anyway, let it go.'

As we both know you will be tempted to, and also he will say that to you for sure, after a while, if you dont back down.

I think that backing down over these sorts of things will just tip the power balance in the relationship more in his favour, and he sure is a power and control sort of guy. That means, having 'won' this one (as he sees it) he will respect you less and wheel out more of this later on, for other reasons.

As the kids get older, it gets way more difficult.

Also, it grinds you right down. It made me tearful 'for no reason' the last few years before I confronted it. I blamed by father dying when I was a child, I blamed my over busy job, my hormones and christ knows what else. But actually, it was the relationship, which I could not see took up so much of my energy that I could never really find peace in myself, and nearly all home support went from me to him, and not vice versa.

[fiventhree]

Second yellowtulips advice.

[PrincessSymbian]

Please keep on at him until either he adknowledges the behaviour or ( which is far more likely) really looses his rag over it.
It will help you come closer to a decision either way.