My husband is a total twunt, isn't he????

[wandymum]

This evening I was supposed to be going out for drinks with the mums from DS's prep-school.

Weeks ago, I sent DH an e-mail asking if he could come home early (for him - about 8pm) so I could go. He replied yes. I wrote it on the calendar (over which we have had many 'Outnubered' style rows in the past).

Today we have had both sets of grandparents here for lunch plus builders starting work and two under 5s to chase around. I forgot to remind him this morning, but left a voicemail and a message with his secretary asking him to call me. I sent a text to his mobile and left a voicemail on it - we were in the car on speaker so kids heard his answerphone kick in too (bizarre detail now but will become relevant).

He didn't turn up. I sent a text saying understand you have a lot on and have forgotten, don't worry have cancelled (had arranged lifts etc... so all slightly awkward but these things happen).

He arrived a couple of hours later in a grump because I hadn't cooked. Very grumpy.

I complained this was unfair given that I hadn't even expected to be in (was actually pretty polite considering). He said I had never told him about my plans.

Showed him my e-mail and his response, calendar and texts.

He says I verbally told him I didn't want to go and that I have the wrong mobile number for him so he never got the messages. I really don't believe I can do because when we called from the car his voice was on the answerphone. DS is 4 so will be able to confirm tomorrow. He doens't deny I left a voicemail on his work phone but says as I didn't say it was urgent, I shouldn't have expected a response.

He is a total arse isn't he?

If not then I must be insane and, despite some close calls in the past few years, I'm pretty sure I am not.

What do I do?

It really wouldn't be a big issue if he'd just say sorry I f**ked up but am freaked out by his insistance it is my fault.

Don't stay with a shit. It will affect the children. I grew up with a disastrous marriage as a role model and my sisters and I all suffered to some extent. My mother and father were both to blame but, as adults, we now have a combination of addictions and eating disorders which are all a result of our upbringing. Please do not think that staying is the answer. My husband's parents divorced when he was young and his single parent family turned out a lovely, balanced man who adores his family.

Well done you.

One step at a time.

Dont take it this time, and see where it gets you.

(By the way, my h ws vehemently anti counselling too, until he knew I was about to leave him this time last year). Now says it was the best thing he ever did.

If he hadnt I would have left. And if he had been less responsive there, and since, I also would have left.

Well done Wandy. He is acting like he holds all the cards and the opposite is true. He has been LUCKY to marry an obviously intelligent woman who is clearly devoted to her family. Great start on the dinner and I would be tempted to say he can also wash his own bloody pants until his secretaryporn fest is knocked on the head. Finally if he lies again like he did about the VM and phone number then say you will be going back to work and your first brief will be your own.

um do you notice you sound like annoying boss from hell? Focussing and pinning him down on what he did wrong and then trying to prove it over and over again, writing to him formally without going through the proper disciplinary process with the outcome of any investigation already decided, and now fanning the flames of adversarial conflict by trying to get as many people as you can (even people you don't know) to agree with you in order to give you strength to continue a frankly bullying and unproductive strategy that isn't going anywhere towards solving the problem.

Prize for the longest sentence goes to....

An unusual perspective WorriedBetty.......

Go back to work.

Wow WorriedBetty I have no words.

Mmm. adversarial conflict. As opposed to, say, cooperative conflict?
You pillock. You write like middle management. A cloud of puff that means fuck all.

Go back to work.

Put yourself in a good position.

He was a twunt, but not perhaps massively so.

In future, just arrange babysitter, and let the onus be on him to cancel the babysitter if he decides he wants to come home and spend some time with his kids.

WorriedBetty - you should apply for a post as his secretary with that mindset. Really hope you were being (albeit inappropriately) sarcastic

It's not really about whether he came home. Its the fact that instead of just apologising for forgetting he had to try and make it my fault somehow.

WorriedBetty so what would a productive strategy be then?

I musdt admit I think he was massively a twunt. What he did is pathetic. Maybe my standards are too high!

Wandy: I would start introducing the word passive aggressive to yr household lexicon, cos that's what he's doing. Just keep saying it, keep saying, you know when you don't talk to me about this stuff - you think you're trying to keep the peace? Well no, it's really aggressive, just because you're not shouting at me it's actually really aggressive behaviour because you know that you are frustrating and upsetting me. Also call him a control freak every now and then. It'll drive him nuts and force him to engage.

Men hate being called control freaks. They like to think their wives are control freaks because the wives do the nagging and the men are oh so laid back about stuff. Call him a control freak.

Quint I disagree. He has been a massive twunt. He has consistently demonstrated zero respect and more importantly thinks it appropriate to blame his wife for his own selfish behaviour. Only the OP can decide if there is something left to save but making clear she is not going to enable shitty behaviour is part of this. Why should she have to book a baby sitter for a occasional night out booked weeks in advance? He needs to fucking man up and take some responsibility and start treating his wife like partner rather than a paid help. Wandy needs IMHO to set the boundaries and then make a decision on what to do next after giving him the opportunity to stop behaving like a selfish bastard and seeing how he responds.

I agree with Bogeyface...

My hubby used to do this, you know what I did? Got a different babysitter!

Your hubby is being a jerk so show him who's boss.

I would get a babysitter for another night out but don't tell him, just do it.

Cheeky sod! Your not one of his employees!

P.s

Brycie is a genuis...take heed!

Hi OP, just read your posts and not replies etc. You really have got a right macho man here haven't you? All this domestic stuff is clearly beneath him and he would be a woos to get involved or help and he's no way going to be accountable to you or god forbid, let your demands come above his. After all, he earns all the money, you should be grateful for that, accept and smile and a perfect meal when he comes home. Who are you, silly woman, to be expecting and evening out! Know your place! Either he is in a 1950s timewarp or he is a bit nasty.

The only thing I can suggest if you want to save your marriage is to say "Look. This is as good as it gets. You have a good faithful wife and good kids, a nice home and I have stopped working in order to take care of all this for you. I have sacrificed and I am proud of that." You could also say "It is a privilege to look after children, not a chore or drudgery. Spending time and nurturing your children is something to cherish, not something to avoid."

The man needs to either change or take a trip in a time machine to the days where every woman knew her wrongful place.

Well! I am astonished that someone views all conflict by definition requires adversarial behaviour - that would explain the escalations recommended by so many people here! It might feel like support, but in this case, I really don't think it is.

I am amazed that a formal written explanation of 'why your behaviour is unacceptable' would ever be expected to be taken as anything but an escalation. it is certainly a divisive and adversarial strategy.

I have to admit if I had a formal email from a partner explaining why my behaviour was wrong, his feet wouldn't -touch the ground! I would find it hard to respond in a measured fashion.

You can of course ignore my views if you like. I hate power games.

So does the OP - because her husband is playing them. She needs to call him on it. You're basically condoning passive aggression on a majestic scale. So the person who acutally raises the issue is adversarial? As opposed to the person who causes the problem, refuses to acknowledge it, ignores the upset and compounds it by a dismissive attitude. That is passive aggression fine tuned and distilled, and it's highly adversiarial. Even without saying a word.

Errr...is everyone on the right thread here?