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Relationships

My husband is a total twunt, isn't he????

239 replies

wandymum · 16/10/2012 22:21

This evening I was supposed to be going out for drinks with the mums from DS's prep-school.

Weeks ago, I sent DH an e-mail asking if he could come home early (for him - about 8pm) so I could go. He replied yes. I wrote it on the calendar (over which we have had many 'Outnubered' style rows in the past).

Today we have had both sets of grandparents here for lunch plus builders starting work and two under 5s to chase around. I forgot to remind him this morning, but left a voicemail and a message with his secretary asking him to call me. I sent a text to his mobile and left a voicemail on it - we were in the car on speaker so kids heard his answerphone kick in too (bizarre detail now but will become relevant).

He didn't turn up. I sent a text saying understand you have a lot on and have forgotten, don't worry have cancelled (had arranged lifts etc... so all slightly awkward but these things happen).

He arrived a couple of hours later in a grump because I hadn't cooked. Very grumpy.

I complained this was unfair given that I hadn't even expected to be in (was actually pretty polite considering). He said I had never told him about my plans.

Showed him my e-mail and his response, calendar and texts.

He says I verbally told him I didn't want to go and that I have the wrong mobile number for him so he never got the messages. I really don't believe I can do because when we called from the car his voice was on the answerphone. DS is 4 so will be able to confirm tomorrow. He doens't deny I left a voicemail on his work phone but says as I didn't say it was urgent, I shouldn't have expected a response.

He is a total arse isn't he?

If not then I must be insane and, despite some close calls in the past few years, I'm pretty sure I am not.

What do I do?

It really wouldn't be a big issue if he'd just say sorry I f**ked up but am freaked out by his insistance it is my fault.

OP posts:

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startlife · 19/10/2012 19:31

No advice to add but reading with interest as I have a very similar H. I have struggled with 'labels' for his behaviour (PA, avoidant attachment, AS) but have finally realised he just doesn't care enough about me. His priority is him, his work, his hobby, his relationship with the dc's (but maybe not the dc's if that makes sense) and somewhere very low down the list is me.

He talks a good talk - that's why I've struggled to see the wood for the trees - but ultimately it's always my fault. Even when he let me down following surgery, it was my fault for not stopping him from being a twat.
He has had an awful upbringing - aggressive mother and uninvolved dad and today his family show no emotion or genuine care for each other, they are however terribly polite. It's confusing as I think I was conditioned to assume softly spoken polite people are caring.

Like you OP, it changed when dc came along. Previously I was an equal (actually more senior than H) and I didn't need his support. Something about being needed seems to cause the opposite reaction. We have been to counselling, we may try again as my DC's deserve that, however I will be stronger this time. At least I now see the agenda and the manipulation.

I wished I had woke up to his behaviour a long time ago - my self esteem has suffered enormously. I completely agree about going back to work. I 'gave' up too much for H as I assumed we would look after and support each other. His agenda has always been to get the life he wants.

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madda · 19/10/2012 19:36

agree achillea

OP can you think of a regular weekend thing for just you, go out for a walk, cafe, shops for the day, tell him you need this each week. tell him this is what is happening, thank him for his understanding.

get up early, shower, go out. tell your DCs you'll beack around teatime, and they'll have a FUN day with DADDY!!!!!!

you have to start doing this, giving him parenting duties, and taking your break, so he sees you as an independent woman, with needs and messages of your own to attend to.

he will get the message - I've done this, and it worked wonders

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madda · 19/10/2012 19:38

amd yes, you will feel guilty, miss the DCs or even womder if they are ok with him for those few hours, but for your sanity, just bloody do it. start getting your life back, one weekend day each week. you deserve it, and he must be reminded that you will not carry the home and raise the dcs without his input

tell him gently but directly you are going out tomorrow or sunday

dont ask if you can go, just inform him you are going

you have to do it

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BessieMcBean · 19/10/2012 20:04

Yes, agree that he probably wont' read any passive aggressive literature, he will probably bin it, but it's a method of showing him that he has faults, that they are not just you being difficult/critical. I also didn't intend anyone to explain to him what his psychological issues are I intended to make the point to the OP that he has the probs not her so she should stop the point scoring etc.

Also agree that leaving him with the kids for a day will give you a break but I don't feel that giving him a clear lecture and going out for the day will make any major change. Chances are he will start having vital meetings or whatever on the days you start demanding to have off.

I feel he is past all this, to be honest, insisting on the odd day to do your own thing maybe once a week will help OP but I don't see it changing DH. But maybe I am just being pessimistic.

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BessieMcBean · 19/10/2012 20:17

But I do agree that getting a life (free time, job etc) would be the best thing to do OP, then you can look afresh at your relationship with DH, from a happier and more confident perspective.

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CuriousMama · 20/10/2012 12:47

How are you OP?

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PoppyField · 20/10/2012 16:49

Yes, how are you today OP?

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wandymum · 20/10/2012 19:19

I've left him home with the DCs and am off out for dinner and drinks with friends. He didn't resist.

OP posts:

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Bogeyface · 20/10/2012 19:24

I wonder if he can smell a turning worm......

But dont relax just yet, he might be Mr Wonderful for a couple of weeks and then when he thinks you have stopped going on about it, slip back into his old ways.

Remember, for this to be your new normal you have to stick to it. Dont ask, tell.