My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

Get your solicitor sorted out; it makes sod all difference whether you name OW as co-respondent or not, but it may make you feel better.

Sod him crying, it's probably real, as the end of any relationship is a significant life event, but he chose to do it.

Don't fuck about with the access - all this snark about MaccyD's dads: really good for your kids.

If you want to go for 50:50 that's fine - remember that will impact the maintenance you should expect. I had to fight to get 20-30% and I would have snatched XW's hand off for 50%.

It will take your kids a while to adjust but they will get over it; resist temptation to say what a shit he is - XW did that, and I now see more of the kids than she does (but they are adults now)

I'd never say anything too the girls about their daddy. They adore him and I want them to always have that. DD1 said to me earlier, mummy I love you, DD2 loves you and daddy loves you I am keeping strong for them but I am broken. A few girlfriends are coming over tonight for wine and cuddles. I have a great support network I am very lucky. 'D'H is in a hotel texting me that he misses us all so much already. Ignore ignore ignore. Stupid stupid man we could have had it all.

Ps he works very long hours so 50/50 wouldn't be possible. I will never stop them spending time together though.

Izzy...best advice ever! You also Olgaga. x

Radio silence. Dont give him anymore of your anything.

Dont look at his txt. Can someone else read and delete the ones you dont need to see?

You need space to distance yourself emotionaly.

Im sorry this man treated you badly and im impressed at how strong and what a great women and mother you are. Im in awe of you.

You are doing fantastically, honey! Well done. I think you've stayed strong after the most shattering blow any woman can have and you can be really proud of yourself. The first day is almost over. And you've coped with dignity. Really pleased the girls are coming over to give you support. Absolutely agree to simply ignoring his texts, and also to not bad mouthing him to the kids. My ex is an arsehole but I never criticised him to DCs - I tried to bear in mind that although I thought he was a shit he was still their father. They have always seen him a couple of times a week or so although as they've hit late teens they are now usually too busy to bother. (Shouted through to DD2 who is 16 to say when did you last see your father and she's just replied, February, I think. He lives about 3 miles down road!) DS1 said to me a few months back, I'm glad you never stopped us seeing Dad. He's a bit of a twat actually, but he's still my Dad, and at least I can see that for myself now (DS1 is 18). Your dds will thank you if you don't make contact with their father a nightmare and you keep behaving with dignity and love for them. Life will get better and better for you. We're all here for the hand holding.

You are doing fantastically well. I wish I'd had an Izzy when I found out

Definately don't contact the slapper - as already mentioned, it gives them ammunition to add to the 'crazy ex' dossier.
And protect yourself financially. The star crossed lovers will have made careful plans for all of your assets - don't underestimate how devious these people are.
Enjoy your hugs with your little girls and wine with the big ones. And keep ignoring the snivelling little toad

I've got nothing to add to the brilliant advice you've already been given Dolly, but just wanted to add my support.
I'm so sorry that you're H has done this to you and your DD's.
It doesn't feel like it now but you will get through this. You're doing so well already.
Stay strong ((hugs)) xx

*your H not You're H - damn you brain

You are all such wonderful ladies you have restored my faith in the sisterhood. My friends have been here tonight and they are amazing and have organised my week for me to keep busy. H has texted non stop, I miss you all so much already yada yada yada. Ignored them all. Has now texted 'thinking of you sweetheart hope you're ok and have someone with you' couldn't resist, I just replied with 'I'm tip top'. Wish I hadn't now. Exhausted after no sleep last night, going to close my eyes and banish thoughts of them together.

Hope you have a decent sleep Dolly. On the other hand l hope your DH's conscience causes horrendous nightmares and he wakes up realising he has made a dreadful mistake....
And you tell him to fuck off

Try and get some sleep.

You sound really strong. xx

Says its his problem, and if it wasn't her it would be someone else eventually as he can't help himself.

I think he's said all he needs to say, don't you?

Whether or not you mean it Dolly

'I'm tip top' was an absolutely fab reply....He certainly won't have been expecting that. Fuck him and his guilty conscience.

Well done and I hope you manage to get some sleep
Take care xx

Dolly - another supporter here. What a wet loser your H is! Poor poor him ....badly disguised as concern for you.. I hope you keep his callous behaviour upper most in your mind whilst he tries his mind games with you.

Some men seem to have an ego requiring affirmation of the damage they have caused. Don't nurture his need.

You will be fine. You really will.

Just wanted to say how much I admire your strength dolly. Truly an inspiration. Keep it up even though it seems your world is falling apart. You and your dcs will be just fine.

I don't see a problem with texting "I'm tip top, either" as long as you leave him hanging after that and don't engage any further.

oops, my speech marks are in the wrong place

take "either" out of them

If he's spent the evening with Ms ER she's going to be mighty peeved that he's been texting you non-stop, but try to make that the last text you send him for the foreseeabe future unless it is of the strictly business variety - i.e arrangements for contact or similar.

Don't torture yourself with thoughts of them together, Dolly. They've already had it off been together in the biblical sense on numerous occasions and if this the first time she's had the pleasure of his company all night, as it were, she'll have ample opportunity to luxuriate in sharing a bed with his farting, snoring, sweat smelling body and enjoy those irritating/disgusting habits that he keeps hidden from public view.

They won't be living on a Hollywood movie set with lighting designed to flatter on all occasions and with soaring violins playing in the background of their grand romance. They'll be living a far more mundane warts and all existence in the harsh light of reality which has been known to shatter illusions in double quick time.

He's not morphed into any kind of Prince Charming, honey, and she sure ain't no princess. His head will lie uneasy on the pillow while you sleep the sleep of the just - get a good night's zzzzz's and come back tomorrow.

Turn your phone off and have a good night sleep. You should be proud of yourself and the way you are handling this .

LOL AF it would have been good if she had texted "I'm tip top, either", the sad fucker would have no idea what she meant.

OP that should be your next text to him, regardless of the topic

So sorry you're going through this, I've read the thread from the beginning, been through similar (although we're still together) so I'm instantly drawn to threads such as yours. The affair bubble will be well and truly burst by now and reality will begin to kick in, well by the sounds of it, it already has. Keep your head up, your doing sooooo well even though this will be so tough for you right now. Tomorrow is another day and another slap of reality for your h and ow, now it's out in the open I'm pretty sure it will be a totally different scenario than their snatched moments here and there were.

Can I just mirror other posters views that Izzy you are a star and have given amazing advice. I know where to come if things ever turn out different for me.

You're doing fine! I think sending text saying, 'I'm tip top,' was perfectly ok - just the right amount of casual insouciance . You don't have to reply to any more texts now (although I'd be pissed off at being called 'sweetheart' by someone who has been shagging some slapper and has now fucked off). It's patronising at best. Also the 'hope you have someone with you'....as though you are so devastated by the loss of him that you shouldn't be alone. Arsehole. Agree with the others to just keep contact brisk and practical between you now. So pleased the girls have sorted this week for you - they sound like great friends. Have a good night's sleep and a good day tomorrow.

It's so hard when you still live someone so much but that person wasn't real. I can't actually believe that someone that I thought loved me, was my team mate, has been lying to me for 2 years. I feel so stupid. It's taking all my strength not to text him nasty things but there's no way ill give him the satisfaction.

Hi Dolly, it's hard suddenly not recognising the man you thought you knew and loved. I remember the man I married and the ExH almost as two different people. Deceit and lies brings out some of the worst characteristics in an individual I'm afraid.
I'm so sorry for your pain, these early hours when you wake are tough, but we're still here.
Tomorrow is a new day for action. Rest all you can now, look after yourself. Let your nearest and dearest look after you and always ask for help Your friends and family will want to do all they can, let them!
Keep going, one day at a time...