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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

828 replies

DaydreamDolly · 08/10/2012 02:19

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 09/10/2012 12:41

Goodness me what have I missed?! Grin

Feeling.... Good? I don't know how else to put it, I feel empowered, supported, strong. But tomorrow may be a different story. I asked him to tell his family today, as word is spreading and it's the right thing to do. But more importantly I want him to have to repeat over and over to each of them what he has done and why. I want him to feel the pain. And he is it seems. Good.
Am going to book an appointment with a lone parent advisor to go through what I am entitled to and then I will get a solicitor. I have told him he needs to make an apt for himself with one too.
Tonight 2 girlfriends are coming over, weds night when he comes over, my hairdresser is going to come to my mums and colour as cut my hair. Had coffee at my friends this morning and another friend came and bought all her nail stuff and gave me a manicure. I really do have amazing friends and family. I will never forget the support I've been given.
DD1 bit subdued at pre school drop off. Am about to collect her and we r off to we friends for play and lunch. Keeping busy is helping.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/10/2012 12:55

What have you missed? Exactly I missed but assumed from earlier responses that it was the deluded ravings of a robot surrendered woman determined to recruit you into the cult of brain dead Stepford Wives Grin

Either that or send £30/40/50 and have him miraculously restored to your ever loving bosom by prayer/spells/etc. It would be money well spent if it resulted in attaching him to the ow's bosom on a permanent basis while she continues to go through adulterous males like a dose of salts but you don't need that kind of dosh to secure his misery when demonstrating that you're just peachy (and looking delectably peachy) without him around will do the job for free.

Take it one day at a time, honey. Keeping busy will keep your spirits up and it sounds as if you have wonderful friends to support you.

How are your dps taking it? I hope your dm is feeling better and that any righteous anger she feels towards him has served to energise rather than deplete her.

BeckAndCall · 09/10/2012 13:54

What you missed, Dolly, (and we're glad you did) was someone telling youto visit her website and she would tell you a way to 'save your relationship' and that all the advice here was wrong and your OH is hurting and feeling pain too. Blah, blah, blah.

You can see she got short shrift.

Your RL friends sound wonderful. Glad you're having a good-ish day.

deleted203 · 09/10/2012 16:27

Hooray for Dolly! You're doing magnificently so far. Yes, tomorrow may be a bad day but keep focusing on the strength you have inside and the support you are getting and you will get through. You're doing all the right things.

BornToFolk · 09/10/2012 17:13

I've only read the first few and last few responses. I'll read the whole lot later but I just wanted to say, if you are feeling empowered and he's feeling shit, make the most of it. Get to the solicitor pronto and get things sorted now.

I went to the solicitor quickly, when I was still in shock, I think, and it helped to be doing something constructive. I wish my solicitor had acted quicker than she did to make the most of exP's remorse as he soon started going back on promises and 5 months later we are still wrangling over maintenance.

The situation was made more difficult as I Facebooked the other woman, telling her exactly what I thought of her and that's when exP started being a total twunt. I don't think I was out of line, considering what she'd done but it got me in a whole heap of trouble and didn't make me feel any better. Resist any urge to contact the OW, please. Rant here and cry with your family and friends but maintain an air of cool, calm, collectedness in front of your ex (even if you want to scratch his eyes out!)

Remember, your husband has proved himself to be a liar. He's not the man you thought he was and you CANNOT trust him.

Will be back later when DS is in bed but for now, loads of love to you. It's a totally shit situation to be in and I know it hurts like hell. It does get better though, I promise. You are going through the worst bit right now and you have more shit ahead of you but you can cope, you will cope and you will be happy again, I promise.

Teamthrills · 09/10/2012 17:14

Just read the whole of this thread & you are doing absolutely amazingly Dolly!! Keep strong.

Fishwife1949 · 09/10/2012 17:33

DaydreamDolly please dont rely on the fact he wont leave you with anything

Things can get very nasty you have no idea what her situation is and i very much doubut he can pay your mortage and pay rent or help her pay her mortage

And even if he is kind enough to pay how long will it last

Some one wo cheats on you is not thinking of there children so why would they in any other choice they make

Its starts with good intentions but he most likey have her wispering in his ear why are you paying her ruddy bills ect ect Also if he becomes a shit father you may have to challage hom but if hes paying your bills you wont be able to

mrscraig · 09/10/2012 17:55

Just read this thread.
Well done, Dolly. You're an inspiration. Stay strong.
Without meaning to sound patronising ...but I'm bloody proud of you!!

Ruprekt · 09/10/2012 18:43

Hi Dolly
What are his family like? Will they support you? Do you get on with them?

I really hope they are disappointed in him but they support you and your children.
sounds like you have loads of RL support.

MmeGuillotine · 09/10/2012 19:05

I don't have anything constructive to add but just wanted to say that you are amazing and an inspiration and that I hope you had a good day! :)

I've also added 'I'm tip-top' to my repertoire of dismissive put downs. ;)

AThingInYourLife · 09/10/2012 19:10

Agree with the others - get the legals sorted while he is still weeping.

You are doing great :)

Mrsgorgeous · 09/10/2012 19:32

Had to chip in...
Been through the same and it's a bit like a roller coaster of emotions. You are doing so well, much better than I did/am.
As long as you can show him that you are in control and not going to pieces you will feel empowered...and that's a great feeling.
Good luck and keep focused x

tribpot · 09/10/2012 19:35

Well done Dolly - keep it up!

Labisiffree · 09/10/2012 19:38

I have had a similar experience- My husband of 12 years said he'd been having an affair and left to be with her 3 weeks ago. He also told me after 10pm and I didn't sleep a wink that night. I have 2 DS aged 10 and 11.

I am coping, though the past few weeks have been like a blur. My advice would be prioritise you and your children, don't waste energy thinking about him if you can.
Make sure you eat and look after yourself.
Don't be afraid to cry if you need to
Keep your friends close
Get some legal advice - free hour is worth it and they are sympathetic.

Labisiffree · 09/10/2012 19:42

just read your second post- keep up the nails/hair/looking good- it will make you feel better. Don't get angry, be calm- but you sound as if you already are. He can't blame you then!
My feelings fluctuate from one day to the next, but I also felt empowered and also relieved. I don't feel like a victim, we are not victims, these stupid men are their own worst enemies!!

deleted203 · 09/10/2012 19:55

Can I add about OW, that my ex had an affair with a woman I knew - not well, but we had children at same childminder and she had met me several times. It didn't last long and afterwards she was at c/m a couple of times when I was. She was so embarassed and I just used to look at her and say politely 'Hello Caroline' and then proceed to pick up my kids. She rang me up eventually one day and proceeded to pour out apologies/justifications etc and I simply listened and then said, 'I don't really think we have anything to say to each other. Obviously you were single and who you choose to sleep with is up to you. I wouldn't personally sleep with a man who I knew was married with children, but your morals and your conscience are your own business. Goodbye'. The dignified approach made me feel that I had not descended to their level of shit behaviour.

MrsSalvoMontalbano · 09/10/2012 20:01

Dolly nothing useful to add, except to say you are doing amazingly well. You sound like a lovely perosn, and have terrific friends and family to help you thru this. Agree you should not email, text, phone etc the OW. She will be expecting you to - maybe even looking forward to the drama, and will be on tenterhooks, so don't give her the satisfaction. She will sense that H is missing you, and that will cause stess in their relationship, as she will stat to wonder if you are so calm if in fact you checked him out, so will not all be wine and roses. Have no sympathy for H - tno comeback from being nasty enough to say if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else.
You are doing so well, try to get sleep when you can.

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 09/10/2012 21:24

He's not weeping anymore. He's with her tonight. I am not good tonight. Thank you all for the support and encouragement it makes me feel a lot less lonely tonight Sad

OP posts:
Labisiffree · 09/10/2012 21:30

try not to think of him with her, it will drive you mad. But accept you will feel shit for a bit. In the morning you will feel better.

Makethepainstop · 09/10/2012 21:35

Dolly you are dealing with this so brilliantly. My husband did the same to me and I begged him to come back. You are strong and I admire you so much for that.

The pain you are/will feel is horrific. No one can ever understand it unless they have been through it but the advice you have been given on here is brilliant. Please listen and act on it. When times are bad go and watch your children sleeping. You are their world and they need you. You will get through it together and become a really strong, happy team. For now you need to keep busy and make sure you are eating and sleeping. Easier said than done but just take things slowly and be kind on yourself xxxxx

skyebluesapphire · 09/10/2012 21:41

I begged my STBXH to come back against all advice on here. I was so sure that he was going mad or something and would see sense but he just led me on and used me. Don't let that happen to you.

You are doing so well. MN is here for you if you feel down or have a wobble .

Bubblegum78 · 09/10/2012 21:42

Just thought I would pop back in...

You are doing SO well Dolly, keep going, you are so dignified and so much stronger than you feel.

Good luck for the future. xx

Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 09/10/2012 21:51

Thank you. It makes me sad that so many of you have been through similar. But your personal experiences are helping me so much. To the poster who contacted the OW and regretted it, thank you so much for the warning. I've had to speak to his brother and sister tonight and have texted him to say I'd spoken to them and it was shit. His reply? Ill be there at 6.30pm to give you a hug. Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
DaydreamDolly · 09/10/2012 21:52

6.30pm tomorrow that is. He's coming to see the girls and I'm going out.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 09/10/2012 22:00

"Ill be there at 6.30pm to give you a hug."

Ick!

He's actually buzzing off your pain, the scumbag.

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