My husband has been having an affair and is leaving me

[DaydreamDolly]

I can't believe I'm writing this. 2 DD's youngest 6 months. Been going on 2 yrs on and off. He loves her. I'm devastated. What am I going to do? He told me at 10pm so I haven't told anyone in RL yet.

Daydream - so sorry to hear what you're going through. What a shit. Izzy's advice to you is fantastic and if you can remain calm just to get the essentials done it will be easier in the long term. Your dc have you who is making sure that their needs are paramount and they have their grandparents close by so they are surrounded by love. They will be OK. I hope all this distress is worth it for your dh to be with the new younger, slimmer model. Actually I hope he ends up on his arse. Thinking of you.

So sorry.

Remember none of this is your fault.

You have had some great advice - now is the time to protect you and your DC financially and legally. He is feeling guilty and this won't last long. Also legal aid rules have changed so you need to get in quickly.

Do tell people in RL - you will need their support x

Hi Daydream. Thinking of you. You will be ok. It's just going to be one step at a time at the moment. As Izzy says it's time to take some control back now. And awful though it is, once he has left and you've told your parents and friends things will start little by little to get better.
I dreaded xh leaving and tried very hard to be the perfect wife when he professed that he was unhappy, for many months. But he was having an affair and in the end left for ow.
It was actually a relief when he left in the end as the tension in my tummy disappeared overnight. I realized then that things would get better.
Stay strong and keep posting.

So he has been through the pregnancy and birth of a second child while this as being going on? Charming. It sounds like a classic case of a man who cannot cope with being relegated to no longer being the object of your total 100% devotion 24 hours a day since children arrived. Fair enough - she's welcome to him in that case. Just make sure you get a chance to tell her what he said about it 'being someone else eventually, because I can't help myself.'

Given the timing and circumstances of their affair she might need to bear that in mind just how self-obsessed and spineless he is should she ever want to have children with him.

Stay strong. Stay calm. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. You did nothing to bring this on yourself or your children.

Thinking of you and your lovely DC.
Sound advice from Izzy, she helped me earlier in year and I've come out the other side with a HUGE smile!!!

Is the house in both your names? If not, you should fill in a form from the land Registry asserting your "home rights" - can't remember off the top of my head the proper term.

As ever Izzy & Olgaga have cracking advice.

Nothing to add Dolly but Un-MN hugs for you & the DC's.

Come & rant whenever you need.

Hope you get lots of support from your parents.

Together twelve years and hes betrayed you for the last two? What a twat he is!

You've had great advice here which I can't add to much except to say be very careful about the money. They all leave saying they'll pay - and then it dawns on them that one income which supports one family in a certain standard will not support two families to the same standard. Obviously the OW cannot go with new boots and holidays so it becomes down to the mother of the children to economise. How else can the poor bloke support his shag pad? I have a friend whose ex objected to the calculations being made for maintainence for his dc. My friend pointed out that when the arse left she had a six month old baby, two toddlers and a 6 yr old. She could, at that point, feed all of them from one piece of fish - by the time the money ws getting sorted out everybody had got a fair bit bigger and was eating more. He didn't exactly embrace this point.....

Thank you all. Feel like I'm in a nightmare. He's left for work no doubt on the phone to her now planning their future.
Whoever said he can't handle not having 100% if my attention was spot on. Thats exactly what it is. I feel so stupid. DD1 woke up and said not you mummy want daddy. Poor little mite. Being strong for them and that will keep me going. Will think about finances and solicitors another day, but thank u so much for your posts it's really helping me. Still to early to call mum I don't want to wake her she's been ill.

Just be sure to insist on as much shared parenting/access from him as you can possibly get. Go for every weekend, all weekend if you can. Say, quite straight-faced, 'Of course I assume as you love them so much and it's me you are leaving, not them, that you will be wanting as much access as possible? We need to make some allowances for your work obviously, but how about we aim for as close to 50:50 as we can get? I don't mind bringing them over to the OW's house two or three nights a week. You'll be getting home at 6? Great, I'll be there at 6.15. I'll pick them up again at 7am. Of course you'll need to start thinking about what happens DD1 starts school because I'll be working by then, so you'll have to make sure you can get home in time to pick them up from the childminder. Are planning on going on holiday with her soon, to celebrate? I'd better make sure the DC's passports are all in order.'

Let her see what lovely romantic fun it is having her precious, wonderful lover living with her for good, when he has two demanding babies in tow most weekends and a couple of evenings a week. Seriously. Let them do it as much as you possibly can. Don't make it easy for them to pretend he's a childless young stud who can devote all of his time to her. Nothing will make him seem like less of a catch than having to share him with such young children for more than one afternoon a fortnight. She wants him for life? Then let her see what 'life' with him is really like. Disrupted sex, sleepless nights, not being able to go out for dinner on a whim, crusty Weetabix on the floor and someone trying to talk to you while you do a poo is not very romantic or sexy is it?

He may think he's running away from you, but the truth is it's the responsibility and the monotony he's running from. Don't make it easy for him.

Can you arrange to be out when he is due back from work and leave him a note saying he has to be packed and gone by X time?

YY to suggesting 50:50 child access.

The fastest way of bringing a hefty dose of reality and bursting his lust fuelled fantasy affair bubble

Whilst I whole heartedly agree with the experience of 50;50 access being a good wake up call for the adulterous little shit & his slapper, I think Dolly probably needs to draw breath & see how the situation pans out.

These are very young children and the stress of being in a shared care scenario with another woman than their mum, until they are used to Dad living somewhere else, could be really upsetting.

Faced with the reality of her romantic fling turning into an instant step-mum set up she may hopefully do a bunk. After all if he's been with HER for years & he has a 6 month old with Dolly then he has been cheating on them both hasn't he?

I've already told him he can't take the baby for overnights. I can't be without her she's only tiny. And I've told him they are not going anywhere near her house or her until I say it's ok. She's already blocked me on Facebook. He obviously called her and panicked. I have her work email address tho. Do I contact her and ask her to come and tell my 3 year old that her daddy isn't ever coming home? Do I maintain dignity and let her think she's got away with it? I think she deserves to squirm a bit don't you?

Do not email, it will give them ammunition that you are a "crazy ex-wife". Much better revenge to have their romantic dates wrecked by over-tired and messy small children.
See a solicitor. Get copies of all the financial/ legal info you can, get rid of his stuff, change you bedroom etc. to make your home yours. CAB can also help.

Dolly - first can I say how sorry I am for you and give you a big hug ((hug))

I have been there. My STBXH announced one Friday evening at around 10.30pm that he didnt feel the same any more, wasnt happy etc etc. I NEVER saw it coming. We talked for a couple of hours, then I made him leave.

(he did come back for 6 weeks, messed me around, then announced Easter Monday at around 1am that it wasnt working and left again later that day).

You have had cracking advice on here, especially from Izzy and Olgaga as always.

My STBXH said that he would continue to pay in £250 a week as he always had, and that he would do anything to keep a roof over our heads and that he would not take from us. The money continued for about a month, until reality set in, that he could not afford to pay for lodging for himself and also for us... so he didnt pay for a couple of weeks, then he reduced it, leaving me to pay the mortgage by myself.

You need to ring the Tax Credit office. I know you dont work, but you may be entitled to more Child Tax Credit if you are on your own.

Do you have a Sure Start Childrens Centre near you? They can offer advice on benefits, home visits, help with Childcare, free counselling, courses on numeracy, literacy, cooking, crafts and loads more things to get you out of the house and meeting people.

I filed for divorce after my STBXH made it quite clear it was over (and I also found out that he had been texting his mates wife over 100 times a day, all day every day, right through the time we were supposed to be working on our marriage). I would NEVER have trusted him again EVER.

My divorce will be through very soon and the petition was filed about 4 months ago, so it doesnt take long. Go and see a solicitor and get some good legal advice. You should be entitled to Legal Aid, so find a Legal Aid firm in your area.

Its not easy, tell your friends and family so that you have support. and keep posting on here as you will get great support and help. I know that you will be in shock now, I remember it well. It really is a rollercoaster of emotion that you will be going through.

You wont like some of the advice on here either, but people really do only have your best interest at heart, mainly because they have been there and are trying to save you further pain. This doesnt mean that you have to take it, but please dont get upset by anything.

If you want to PM me, then please do.

I see Op has had spot-on advice already, so I shall just send you a hug OP and wish you well. Eventually, your life will be better without this cheating twat in it.

Any time you wobble, or consider taking him back when he comes crawling (he probably will), simply remember how he lapped up your "best wife" act for 2 years whilst presumably putting OW in the same position of having to compete for his dubious affections.

I wouldn't get involvedwith her AT ALL. Keep your distance, it will only make you feel worse and she won't think any better of you.

Dignified is the way to go - she isn't your problem, honestly, it won't help.

You can't affect how she feels, whatever you do.

totally agree with izzy !!!

Yes, of course Bossy I don't mean right now - the OP has lots to come to terms with. I just can't sit on my hands and say nothing when I see women again and again making it so easy to give these fuckers exactly what they want - unwittingly. They cling to their children in the fear that they might be taken by the father, when the truth is that's the last thing he wants, and he should be MADE to bloody well do his fair share of the crap, instead of continuing in the delusion that he is a footloose and fancy free super-stud with an occasional weekend parenting hobby. Like he's he's doing them all a big favour or something. Just remember OP, he is NOT automatically entitled to more free time than you just because he is the man, and will not be damaging your children or abandoning them, by insisting he shares the burden of them as equally as possible.

sorry, you will not be damaging them...

Dolly, it's not too early to call your mum - you will have done by now, I'm sure. Even if she's been ill she will want to be with you as soon as poss - nothing else will matter to her (she's probably my age - that's what I would want if you were my DD ) - just ring as soon as you can

I wouldn't email her...

Unless it's to tell her he has genital warts and she might want to get herself checked as he has told you he's slept with a few people in the last couple of years.

(Evil. Yes.)

Don't have any advice op and looking at the thread you hve all the good advice you need but just wanted to offer some support, along with many others I'm sure

So sorry you're going through this xx

All this 50/50 talk to make life difficult for the ow and him is nonsense.

1. Because it relies on him agreeing which he most probably won't.

1. Because it will or could upset the eldest child.

If he is anything like a decent father then he will spend his time with his children away from the ow at least for a decent amount of time.

As for the paying. He will have to pay 20% of net income to
you in maintainance. As far as the mortgage goes you are each liable for the whole mortgage payment. If you can't pay it then he should if he doesn't want ccj's etc. Talking to the lender may be a good idea. I'm not sure if the 20% he has to pay includes the mortgage payment. I would assume it does.

I would seek financial advice and benefit advi e as
Soon as you can.