Why do relationships with MIL and DIL get so difficult after we've had children?

[IA71]

Do you think it is the MIL trying to keep her position as top dog in motherhood? Are they trying to keep the DIL 'in her place' ie below her? What is the point in all these insults and jibes? Should a DIL keep her mouth shut and let the MIL say what she wants just to keep the peace?

Too many sweeping generalisations there, unfortunately. Not everyone experiences 'insults and jibes'.

Nope, don't recognise that description at all. My MIL is wonderful. Sorry if you're having a difficult time with yours.

My relationship with my MIL actually got better (not that it was particularly bad before) after I'd had my DD.

My mil is also wonderful and actually since having children we have become closer because I can see how much she adores our sons who are part of me iyswim .

What do you actually mean? Far too many generalisations there. My MiL is fine, we don't see her much but she just follows whatever I say for DD. Are you having specific problems?

What Dinosaurhunter said exactly, we got on fine before I had DS1, nothing really either way but once he was here we both loved him so much we had something brilliant in common. I suppose it helps that she is a very giving and selfless woman who is fabulous with children. (I love her to bits).

They don't all though.

Mine is much better but I'm a good daughter in law and my mil is nice

My mil is a gem as well, so I can't relate to this, although I do sympathise with those who have awful mils.

I also sympathise with mils who have awful dils though.

And I think it's pretty equal from that pov. It's not always down to the mil, and that's for sure!

My mil says I am a lovely mum . She is being quite generous there, I do try my best though!

My brother's mil is a bit of a witch though so I do sympathise with mil problems.

I don't think having children makes much diff to be honest - if you didn't get on pre children you won't get on post children.

I have a great MIL, but she was already very good at treating her children like adults before DD was born, but they behaved like adults as well. I think sometimes being a mum for the first time can make people a little insecure and over sensitive, a lot of the complaints I hear sound genuinely like the MIL trying to help - problems with communication really, not personality.

I get what you mean op. My MIL is the most wonderful grandmother, truly truly fab and I love her for that. My children adore her. However, how I feel around her is not always good. I frequently feel judged, in bizarre competition with her disregarded. I think the crux of our relationship problem is that I don't take criticism very well /am over sensitive and my MIL finds it difficult to respect there are different approaches to life and that's ok (e.g she thinks bf is a load of crap or sunscreen unnecessary). It's a tricky relationship for a lot of my friends too. I wish there could be some open dialogue about what each other wants and needs from the relationship.

I love my MIL. She is fiery tiny little mammy who is really supportive of her kids and goes out of her way to make sure me and SIL feel part if their brood.

Latest example. SIL went to Afghanistan with army and his not so DM said she was too busy with her horses to see him before he left. (also ignores his birthday and has said she doesn't love him. Horrid wench)

Queue MIL springing in to action with a surprise going away party in pub, lots of fuss and enough sausage rolls to feed an army. Lucky as so many of his retired colleagues came.

Having had a nightmare mother up with a past boyfriend I am massively grateful to have such a fab one now!

OP, I know exactly what you mean. My MIL has always been top dog, and has a string of fights and estrangements behind her (without going into too much detail - it's all in my www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1528344-MIL-meltdown post!). She openly admitted (while yelling at me in front of my baby) that she feels that things have to be done her way.

I have a wonderful MIL

She thinks I'm a good mum

No insults and jibes here.

Well I have to say I am pleasantly surprised that so many people have such good MILs! Every mother I know without exception is having problems with their MIL and I assumed that it was a problem for most people.

Things that she has said to me just recently:
When trying to get my 2 year old and 5 month old to sleep. Why can't they go to sleep at the same time? You must have been very wicked. There is no rest for the wicked.

When my son was eating the birthday cake she made for her son. He must be deprived of cake at home. I bake quite alot.

When my husband was eating a huge amount at breakfast. You'd think he wasn't fed at home.

Something she wrote on a forum. Some children prefer their grandparents to their parents and then proceeded to talk about my son's second birthday party where he wanted to stay outside with them (and other people) rather than come in the house where I was bfing my then 3 month old son.

And the icing on the cake during our one and only face to face row. I'm not trying to take away your children. I could but I won't.

My MIL is lovely, we've only had one fallout and that was about wedding guests.

My relationship with FIL has improved since having the DC, but even before there were no insults or jibes.

I'm not trying to take away your children. I could but I won't.

Crikey!

IA71 she sounds bonkers.

I think your MIL is just loopy, my MIL said and done a few questionable things before I had children but I can't praise her enough since my dcs came along she has been brilliant!

OP, your MIL sounds like a loon and sadly sounds like my friend's M.

Your MIL sounds like a complete fruitloop but sometimes it's a generation thing....they simply cant understand why you wouldn't want to parent like them.

My MIL always harps on how she took DH and DSIL to exotic foreign countries when they were small babies yet when she looks after my 2, their highlight of the day is going around the local charity shops, going to the park, farm, zoo, local soft play, musuems just doesn't happen but other than these few foibles she is a good MIL and the kids love her loads

And what do you say back to these offensive remarks OP? I don't think your MIL sounds normal in the slightest, she sounds like a bully pure and simple. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them and that is going to involve you and your DH acting as a united front - or you as an individual if he's too scared of mummy. Keeping your mouth shut as you suggested in your first post is not going to work with a bully.... it'll only get worse.