Why do relationships with MIL and DIL get so difficult after we've had children?

[IA71]

Do you think it is the MIL trying to keep her position as top dog in motherhood? Are they trying to keep the DIL 'in her place' ie below her? What is the point in all these insults and jibes? Should a DIL keep her mouth shut and let the MIL say what she wants just to keep the peace?

Or DIL's had their own NPD DMs... that's also an equation that's out there. So DIL reacts strongly to NPD MIL because she recognises the scent of the disorder and can't accept it or gets especially hurt by it? Also possible....
TO be honest MIL had a NPD DM, she told me about her, so I know where she got it from and SIL (Goldenchild) is repeating the same pattern with her DCs, I feel sorry for her poor boy!

I think that it´s unfortunate if you don´t get on.

My MIL & I are completely different & have nothing in common.

We can be polite & pass the time together just about comfortable-´twas always so.

When I became pregnant, it was suddenly important that we became best friends

Too little, too late.

She does have a way of trying to make it all about her that completely fucks me off.

I think that some women have more problems with MILS after having kids just because they see more of them and they aren't women thay they would otherwise choose to spend any time with. I'm glad I lived several hours away from mine. She was fine in small doses (now my exMIL) but we had nothing in common and we are both fairly assertive. Had she lived nearer and wanted to see us more often we would have fallen out more.

"I do wonder if some of the problems are caused because of the ultra-defensiveness on both sides? "

Most DILS I have read who have posted about MILS they have probs with - usually describe classic over bearing MILS who have a ton of issues and the DILS have been as polite and sweet and quiet and "respectful" as they can be.

Its not often you hear of a really bolshy dil not who has complained of mils on here anyway - infact most of them posting is usually because they have been as polite and respectful as they can be - but cannot take any more bullying and abuse.

If they werent so courteous and thoughtful they usually wouldnt be thinking of it or asking for advice. I am sure there are plenty of put upon dils who care nothing for their MILS feelingfs and just fight back.

Only very rarely have I seen posted something from a DIl where i think DIl is OTT and too fussy and controlling.

Also its been said before that most DILs on here who have problems when asked - how would they MIL differently mostly said - " simpy ask the DIL what she would like/wants/ and to be sensitive that DIL is a new mum/wife whatever and has her own ideas...

Simply " asking" opens up so many more possibilties for peace and harmony than just forcing and bullying MILS ideas onto DIL.

I would never ever dream of of imposing my self or my ideas on my DD when grown up , if she has a baby I will ask her " would you like me to get anything!!!!! Is there anything you had in mind, would you like me to come and help you choose something....would you like me at the hospital - would you like me there straight after!!! What is babies routine....what would YOU like me to do....."

Pictish

with the greatest respect if you have a lolvey MIl cherish her and dont judge others as you have no idea what its like.

Lots of women on here have married a man and suddenly find they are in a minefield of of DH family problems which is making thier own lives an utter misery. If they could get a tank out and verbally blast them away life would be alot simpler....usually the DILS are treading in a mine field - trying thier best not to offend which is why its so hard.

Just be lucky you dont have that.

Well said Eliza!

Well, the only person I´ve never really got on with is my MIL.

I have friends going back 40+yrs.

Get on with friend´s mums as well, so it´s not an age thing.

She has no friends, only relatives that she sees.

She fell out with her own sister when sister didn´t phone exactly at the time MIL expected her to.

She´ll tell me that people are hard to get on with, with nothing to say-which is how I find MIL-but I´ll chat with them for a couple of hrs easily whilst she says nothing.

Just saying...

I generally think there is more to it than MiLs having personality disorders. I've known a number of women in RL who've behaved utterly WEIRDLY towards their MiLs for no real discernible reason. Who don't like the MiL for various reasons (generally because she's too common, a smoker, too nosey or whatever) and instead of working around that and accepting "I do not like x but she is DC's grandmother and DC has the right to know and love her, they try to make contact difficult.
I would agree there's an element of competition, but think it's two- sided. These MiL threads really depress me, as I only have one DC who is male and I really don't want to be horrid purely by virtue of being a MiL

PS re the comments on "don't you feed him?" - I would have assumed that was a fond joke re my DH or DC's appetite - not a dig at me. Maybe time to be a little less sensitive?

My MIL is wonderful. Loves her GC and spoils her rotten, just like she's supposed to. She has always respected me as DD's mum, despite me being in the grip of PND and consequently not very reasonable at times. I luffs her Oh, and FIL is pretty awesome too.

Most of my friends are in the same situation. In fact some friends prefer their IL's to their own parents!

I do, however, know some women (and men) with strained relationships with PIL's. Obviously I'm a bit biased, but my friends are, in the main, lovely people who only want to make their partner (and, by extension, their partner's parents) happy. It's a real source of sadness to them that their very existence appears to be a problem for the PIL's. One friend in particular has been excluded from every family event since she married her H several years ago. Apparently the MIL finds her presence 'too upsetting', although she has absolutely no idea what she's supposed to have done.

Tbh I think my friend is the one who should be upset - when she had her first child by EMCS last year, the PIL's came to the hospital about 4 hours after the birth. They walked into her side room and MIL picked up the newborn baby, without a single word to my friend, and walked straight back out of the room. My friend was distraught, she was tired, groggy and hormonal and obviously couldn't get up herself! Apparently FIL did look very but didn't do anything about bringing MIL and baby back. Baby was brought back by a midwife, as MIL had been trying to leave the ward to take her for a walk .

But then, she's a complete extreme. I've only met her the once, but I have to admit that she seemed to have some problems that her family probably should have tried to get her help for years ago.

Ooh, that was a long one. Sorry! In summary, in my experience most MIL's are lovely, and mine is the absolute best

I dunno... I've read enough posts on MN by mothers of sons that are almost deranged with the jealousy they plan to feel when they are no longer the number one woman (they imagine themselves to be) in their son's life...

I have already started devising a test my daughters can use to weed out the spawn of these creepy maniacs.

After the way my own MIL treated me,straight after marriage its a wonder that a) I'm still married to her son b) have a relationship with her that goes beyond basic courtesy.

She was beyond horrid, downright cruel most of the time. Never thought I was good enough for her family. Amongst the numerous things she said/did the following particularly stick out:

Telling me to lose weight before the wedding so that I wouldnt embarrass her family ( I am 5ft 6' and was a size 12 at the time)

Telling me that I should not expect to look good in the wedding photos as I was an old bride ( I was in my late 20's)

Going through all of our wedding gifts and cherry picking what she was going to have (tradition apparently-south east asian MIL), she also took the money we were given as bride and groom totalling almost a couple of grand.

Telling me that I should be grateful that her son married me because generally speaking my family and I were not really the kind of people she and her family would associate with ( this when I was 3 months pregnant and having a lot of problems/bleeding )

She cried throughout our religious ceremony and most of the day, every single picture she is in she has a face like a slapped arse.

Insisted on naming DC1 even though she was out of the country when Dc was born, leaving me to cook, clean and look after FIL and her home at 8 months pregnant.

There are many, many, other things she has said and done over the years. DH was useless in dealing with her partly because he was in denial as to exactly how horrid she was and partly because whenever he stuck up for me his whole family would give him a hard time for "upsetting mum".

MIL has calmed down since those nasty early years, I've learnt to pick my battles, I don't put up with her shit anymore so will stick up for myself if she overstep's boundaries but mainly I try and detach from her and her overbearing family as best I can.

She is good with our DC but still makes snidey comments about how DC looks like me as opposed to her son. Also refuses to attribute anything positive DC does to me or my parenting, anything good behaviour or intellect wise is down to her side of the family and their superior genes.

I think with some MIL's there is literally nothing you can do to maintain a good relationship. For some MIL's the mere existance of DIL is enough to send them batshit.

Excuse length and also typos.

every single picture she is in she has a face like a slapped arse.

Id love to show my MIL on our wedding photo!! Its a true classic!!!!

anything good behaviour or intellect wise is down to her side of the family and their superior genes.

same here - nothing to do with my genes - MIL seems to think DD is a product of DH and his DS!!!

"as MIL had been trying to leave the ward to take her for a walk ."

same here - nothing to do with my genes - MIL seems to think DD is a product of DH and his DS!!!

Yup, this as well , DSIL (dh's sis) is perfection personified, despite being just as arrogant and insensitive as MIL.

My H is low-to-no contact with his extremely toxic parents, and was long before we met or started dating, so in some ways I am a relatively lucky DIL.

In other ways, I am sad for my DC that they won't have two sets of loving grandparents, sad for my DH (and his lovely sister) that he had inadequate, neglectful and abusive parents, and sad all round for the family that didn't work. It has made me very "not near my children, you don't" about my MIL because she was such a horrible mother to her own children that I think I'd be foolish to let her loose with mine. Happily we live in different countries and don't visit, so it's not hard to protect them from her.

My own mum got a lot close to her DIL when her children were born. They always had a friendly, affectionate-but-not-much-in-common kind of relationship, but suddenly they had the little ones in common, both bonded over how utterly perfect and wonderful the babies were :) I know mum (who had a nightmare MIL herself) worked very, very hard to be extremely tactful and not say "I used to do it like that" or whatever. She's bonkers about babies and children and I think she didn't want to risk pissing my lovely SIL off at all, so she buttoned her lip a great deal, and they have a truly lovely relationship now. I had my children later than Dbro and Dsil did, so have benefited from her 'tact-training' all this time! The children stay with her for days while their parents go away on holiday - am a bit jealous of this, as I live too far off!

I've got two boys, so I will probably be someone's MIL one day. I am watching how my mother does it for a 'how-to' guide, and I've certainly got a few 'how-not-to' stories as well. I certainly don't want to imagine my sons' wedding days as days when I stop being their number 1 woman - that's creepy as fuck. I will be the one who's having to be restrained from being too matey with my DILs, I imagine. I will make sure not to say "I never had a daughter! Let's go to cafes together and drink wine!" but it may be under the surface somewhere - but I am so much closer to my own Mum now I've had children, I'm sure it's a positive chance for some people.

[ramble ramble]

My ex MIL said once (as someone said above) "Children often prefer their grandmother to their mother." This was when my daughter was a month old.

"Yes," I said, "I know. ExH has said that quite a lot."

It took her a while to realise I meant he preferred his grandmother to his mum. She didn't make that mistake again.

I think feminism also plays a part in that we are more empowered than we once were and MIL's are another entity that we now say NO to

Good point and also added to that - they or some of them - mine certainly are there to support the men - by keeping house - and the man must do nothing - ( she certainly trained my DH to do nothing round the house).

All the men in my immediate family including my DB with downs syndrome are extremly independant can look after themselves are all fab cooks - pro active go getters.....

real shock to come across Dh who cant put washing in, doesnt pick up hover - walks past piles of mess.....doesnt know how to look after himself....

( MIl had a go at me for asking DH what he would like for dinner, and said does he cook me every meal)!!! when i met DH he couldnt do a cooked breakfast!!! when he tried to in thier house - she stood over him micro managing complaining of fat spitting and using wring pans and spoons, stirring to the right not the left etc..

i am now a SAHM too, but I do expect my DH to also chip in round the house occasionally!!!

his DGrandma even said once after we fed her " come on DH, lets leave her to do the washing up - we can go out".

I made sure I laughed extra loud....

In my experience, both on here and in real life, usually because DILs make it that way.

I am not saying there aren't absolutely foul MILs- there are absolutely foul people in the world. But most aren't- most are normal fallible people who do some stuff well, some stuff OK, some stuff badly and some stuff so badly that they are kicking the bedcovers with shame and embarrassment every night for weeks.

Just like the rest of us!

It's difficult in the main becuase two people, who did not choose each other, are thrust into a labelled relationshp that carries expectations. Those of some kind of intimcy as dictated by the use of "mother". On the other hand there is also a boatload of negative expectations we are exposed to via jokes and co plaints of other that may make us over analyse every comment for jibes, digs and slight.

I say we abolish "mother in law" and come up with something somewhat less
laden as a term.

Mind you it might not work, there is a whole word without mother in it for mother in law in Italian and it doesn't seem to help the slightly thorny issue of two women thrust together by chance. So basically I am talking bollocks and you should ignore me.

While I ignore my MIL who is having a hissy fit in the next room becuase breakfast did not meet her standards (she's ill headwise, so "Ommmmmm" in lotus postion whilst channelling non blaming mind set........ish)

usually the DILS are treading in a mine field - trying thier best not to offend which is why its so hard

Really? I don't see it that way at all. All these wicked witch mils causing all the problems while poor innocent reasonable dil polishes her halo?

Nah. I'm not having that. That's just not true. Or at least...it's not true all the time...there are some horrors of dils out there, and that's a fact.

usually the DILS are treading in a mine field - trying their best not to offend which is why its so hard

I think that is a 2 way process, not limited to the DILs. There are cases where an individual DIL or MIL is struggling with a counter part determined to make life as hard as possible, but I think in a good number of cases there will be the DIL's truth, the MIL's truth and somehwere in the middle, the actual truth.

My MIL has her issues (by the lorryload), but I recognise, (especially when DS was born and small) that I was a lot more posessive, prickly and ready to see a slight than actually necassary.

If I had my time again I would try and be kinder, more inclusive and not so focused on repelling her "attempts to take over", which were really more a case of wanting to be involved that push me put. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Especially when not encumbered by new motherhood hormones and sleep deprivation.

You do get a bit of a do over from time to time if you are lucky though. My son (12) spent the time before school yakking on skype with a girl in his class. I'm having a classic "I'm not ready for this bit" moment and MIL has gotton over her morning hump with me and gone all happy and lucid (thank you drugs), so she has comiserated and regaled me with tales of my DH at the same age, while he sat and cringed on the sofa and we laughed at him.

It was nice. Us "ganging up" against DH rather than tussling with him in the middle.

I do think that some MILs think that DIL should just slot in with them.

That goes the other way though-should a DIL just be liked by the MIL because she is who the son has chosen to marry?

Shouldn´t it be seen as a whole new relationship between two adults?

I think there must be as many MIL/DIL dynamics as there are people. If your darling DS comes home with a girlfriend that you don't instantly warm to it must be quite difficult. Equally, if you're the girlfriend and you meet the family and you don't like them, there's that sinking feeling that it's going to be an effort. Chuck a baby into an already awkward relationship and now you've got at least four people all thinking they know best what to do. Can be the thing that drives them together or pulls them apart.

In reality, we should probably interview the parents before we embark on relationships with their offspring. :)