Why do relationships with MIL and DIL get so difficult after we've had children?

[IA71]

Do you think it is the MIL trying to keep her position as top dog in motherhood? Are they trying to keep the DIL 'in her place' ie below her? What is the point in all these insults and jibes? Should a DIL keep her mouth shut and let the MIL say what she wants just to keep the peace?

My ILs are the only parents that I haven´t found easy to get on with

In all honesty there was nothing I could have done to improve my relationship with my own MIL short of continuing to let her control every aspect of my marriage with her son and sucking up the endless comments about my less than exemplary (to her anyway) breeding- and trust me that wasn't going to happen.

My relationship with her has improved somewhat because of the following: my husband sticks up for me more than he used to, I stick up for myself more, I refuse to accept her bigoted and offensive remarks towards me, and, finally I have learnt to detach as much as possible from her.

Yes there are some DILs that can be just as badly behaved as some ILs , but in my exp'and that of many of my friends short of being complete door-mats there was nothing they could have done to have better relationships.

One friend's MIL insisted that none of her sons (she had 5) were present at the birth of any of their children as she didnt want the experience of seeing their wife in labour to bring the couple closer together- needless to say my friend put an end to that tradition.

There is that thing of DILs wanting to make a good impression and therefore being in an artificially submissive role from Day 1, I suppose. If you're acting like a door-mat from the outset, is it any wonder if you get feet wiped on you???

As my 'MIL' had died long before I married him, I had the weird situation of having to live up to a highly idealised memory of a woman that was probably quite different to the reality. :) Competing with a ghost is a tall order let me tell you. And when FIL remarried a much younger woman and I then had a step-MIL that could have been booked for panto playing the wicked queen.... poison pen letters a speciality.... things went a bit west for the whole extended family, so I didn't actually take it personally.

Pictish, I'm sure there are horrible DILs out there but I have the feeling you do not fathom how toxic some MILs can be. When you see how much your partner is suffering at the expense of his mum, you will try as a DIL to "fix" that relationship. When that fails and MIL then points the finger at you stating that you are the cause for her discord with her son, that will break your heart.
If my MIL could show kindness to my DP I would like her a little more. If she could take responsiblity and ackowledge her own sons pain and upset I would have a little more respect for her.
I'm sure she goes around her village in Buckinghamshire telling everyone what a horrid DIL I am, but my folks are flabbergasted. This is not normal behaviour and all I want to do is protect my son from such a person. That means no contact with the witch. If she behaves like one she will be treated as one.

Sorry the last big got lost, when I tell my family some of the things she's done and said to us they are flabbergasted (it should have read....)

Individual examples of clearly evil/mad mils aside, I think the problem is often that the arrival of a baby means that people who may have essentially been polite strangers are suddenly in a much more intimate relationship. They want and need to get on well, to give the gp-gc relationship the best chance, but may have completely different - and conflicting - personalities, interests, ideas about caring for babies, assumptions about how families work and the respective roles of parents/gps, attitudes to celebrations, food, buying second-hand, all sorts of things...

And none of this really matters before children, because your lives are quite separate. But then suddenly she is your dc's grandma, and you both want her in their lives, which means that she is now in your life in a way that she just wasn't before. And she's not your own mum, whose assumptions you're more likely to share, or at least be aware of, and so you don't have that bond that means you're (hopefully) able to tell her when to stick her beak out without causing offence.

Think this is why I find it a tricky relationship, anyway.

Jolly

You have totally spoken for me,

I could easily live with the fact I dont get on with my PILs,( if i over heard them talking in a restaurant or had to meet them elsewhere I would shudder and steer clear),

IF they simply were nice to my DH. My ego could take the fact they dont like me....if only they were just basically nice to DH and appreciated him! I just cannot stand the way they talk to him and try and force him to do things, things they wouldnt even ask - single - rich DSIl to do!!!

Instead of that he was just constantly put down, treated somwhere between disabled and dogs body...by FIL, MIL and DSIL.

Looking back my biggest mistake was trying to " fix" thier realtionship - I thought we were all on the same page that my DH had turned a massive corner and was actually getting out and about - wasnt depressed anymore - had a GF etc....that she too wanted this!
Big mistake!

my DH never wanted me to meet them much or get closer to them, i wish i had trusted him and listened and had a more formal - removed relationship now...also right from the start they would have had his natural behaviour to them, not me encouraing more contact!

If she could take responsiblity and ackowledge her own sons pain and upset I would have a little more respect for her.

Exactly -my DH therapist said to DH after meeting them, a meeting he very reluctantly set up - " you will never change them, they dont/wont get "it" you just have to learn to live round them".

She came out saying " i dont like your therapist- he blames us for everything then expects us to pay for it".

its all about her her her her.

They want and need to get on well, to give the gp-gc relationship the best chance, but may have completely different - and conflicting - personalities, interests, ideas about caring for babies, assumptions about how families work and the respective roles of parents/gps, attitudes to celebrations, food, buying second-hand, all sorts of things...

I hadnt spoken to my PILS or seen them for about 6 months before we announced pregnancy because I couldnt bear to hear them put DH down any more.

We then decided due to PREG we should try again, I included her as much as possible - scans - choosing names - etc ...bit my tongue alot over various things....

then about a week after the birth - she just turned on me, she verbally abused me for about two hours - then FIl came in to do the same.....

It was REALLY hard to get on with her after that!! Especially when at the end she said = " so ....are you going to tell DH about our " chat""

I said YES OF COURSE I BLOODY AM>

she looked at me in a disgusted manner and said " HUH, and you want to build him up....."

disgusting!

since then we have extended the olive branch several times, and when i have had to be in the same room as her she has acted like the injured party, i was too shocked to say much back to her during the attack...

also my mother isnt with us anymore - so my MIL had full role there and I was happy to share this amazing joy of my preg with her -

she on the other hand showed no sensivtiy to the fact i dont have my DM, for instance - i would say - something about my mums legs - not the best legs and joke about i t- but had other amzing feautures - and chat about DH too and her - she would just say

" well i think its best that she inheritis my legs and eyes and hair then obvisouly" ....

no sensitivity there at all...but even so - i ignored all that too...

Hmmm...i have skimmed through some of the comments on this thread and what i can say is the following:

a) either some people are 'naive' to establish what are jibes and what are diplomatic (indirect but can be as hurtful comments)

b) they may have their mil's on mumsnet :)
c) they have yet to discover that their mil's are in fact 'monster in laws' (although this does not apply to all mil's because i genuinely believe that the 'angelic mil's actually do exist' :) so no offence to any mil out there (peace)

d) family politics and mind games are only understandable by a few dil's like me or maybe i go too deep into matters

e) and finally that both mil's and dil's collectively need to work on their relationship but only a few wish to pursue this'

Please note the above analysis is not based on any person on this site or this thread...this is just an analysis and is not meant to offend either mil's or dil's ...i come in peace! :)

Any ways here is my background...my mil is i would say a bit of a 'puppet' who can be easily influenced by her daughter i.e. my sister in law...my sister in law has been living with her parents since 1 1/2 years due to a domestic prob with her hubby and she has two kids...since this domestic issue with her husband, she has been rubbing off the negativity on my mil i.e. her mum and we hardly ever get the opportunity from my mil to look after my daughter aged 2 if me and hubby have to go for a night out of town...mil is always occupied by looking after my sister in laws kids and sister in law exploits her mum to the max! I feel sad for my mil and feel at a disadvantage for my and my daughtere's sake because she loves her grandmother and grandfather but hardly gets a chance to spend with her grandparents...such a shame!! :(

I am 100% sure that all caustic comments come from my MIL. I do not make any to her. Majority of the time I can't even think of a retort. She says things that only a woman understands the undertones of what she is saying. The men around her don't understand what she is saying and she constantly denies saying things things. And so I am seen as the trouble maker. She has said to me that anything she does say she doesn't mean and I shouldn't take offence but then that means that she can say whatever she wants and I should just listen to it. I don't speak to her like that. Why does she think she can speak to me like that? I'm a woman in my 40s who will be returning to my career once my maternity leave is over. I'm know what is being said. I'm not stupid. We are still seeing them as I want my children to have grandparents and my husband is very close to his parents but saying these things is so unnecessary. The rest of her family are lovely people. She is the thorn in my side.

Pictish, I'm sure there are horrible DILs out there but I have the feeling you do not fathom how toxic some MILs can be.

I do not live in a bubble. I know people, I have friends and relatives and you know...live in the real world...so I do appreciate that some mils can be absolutely awful. I never said otherwise.
I am only pointing out that some dils are fucking awful as well. Why is that a problem? Why does that mean I don't understand?

It's not always down to the mil. That's all.

1A - your mil, for example, sounds intolerable. Poor you. xx

pictish, i think you shouldnt swear on this thread as it is inappropriate...i do agree some dil's are bad too...there is good and bad in both dil's and mil's...one should not just label evil to each other...i think some mil's need to understand that the new ways of parenting does not mean that their help or support is worthless...and some dil's need to give their poor mil's a chance to be part of their grand child's life...that's all...its all about give and take...putting aside any indifferences,raising or nurturing a child positively is more important...

My MIL is terribly opionated and comes out with some very strange ideas, but t heart she is a kind and gererous woman who has had a very hard life.

I have learnt to have a quiet giggle at her ways, and spend some time with her, and our relationship has certainly improved as a result. She is now always on my side, she does sometimes talk to em like I was a child but when i remind her of my age, she just says well she is still 40 years older and we both laugh.

I shouldn't swear on this thread as it is inappropriate?
Um..why this particular thread?

i think you shouldnt swear on this thread as it is inappropriate.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

well than pictish and SuoceraBlues you two shouldn't be using this thread if you can not control your language! i dont think the thread is offensive to anyone in particular...

people have their right to express their opinions and the purpose of this site is to get an insight into relationships so one can understand how to deal with them properly...i dont know why people are getting so angry on sites like this...where the purpose of these sites is to get answers or solutions to family matters one maybe facing...get over it people!!!

if you can not control your language

I'm not angry, go check my own views on the matter upthread.

But I do think it's a bit self important of you to go all "thread police" on people without even a sliver of TOS to stand on.

I think some DILs have problems because they married a man who is spineless.

I think you'll find that I am welcome to swear on any thread I choose to. Whether you think it's inappropriate or not doesn't matter a toss.
YOU get over it.

Fox - I agree. It's a very salient point.

Would certainly agree with you there TheCrackFox.