Why do relationships with MIL and DIL get so difficult after we've had children?

[IA71]

Do you think it is the MIL trying to keep her position as top dog in motherhood? Are they trying to keep the DIL 'in her place' ie below her? What is the point in all these insults and jibes? Should a DIL keep her mouth shut and let the MIL say what she wants just to keep the peace?

I love my MIL even if she is alittle bonkers. But I am a pretty tolerant person. It's my DP that has a tricky relationship with her TBH.

My mother really struggled with the fact that she found herself feeling more for my children than my brothers'. She didn't want feel that way, and spent a lot of time and effort into compensating, but she did. And she felt a stronger connection with my dd than with my ds as well. I think a daughter's daughter is particularly special. My Mil feels the same- but is less self analytical.

This thread has actually made me think alot more laterally about my situation. I purposely married a man who is kind and gentle as I didn't want to marry someone who was like my father (who was an aggressive alpha male). So can I really expect my husband to change personality to deal with his mother? Maybe not.

IA71 ME TOO!!!

My dad was upset by my DH initally as he wanted me to marry a rough and tumble old style richard harris - heavy drinking womanising rugby player!

A mans man who would rather be in the pub.

Thank goodness I steered clear of that.

Its something they have to learn thats all.....

My DH has come in leaps and bounds but its taken years and we are not at the end of the road yet. Learning about people is a long process. You are sometimes burnt many many times - before you realise - they arnt going to change - they dont want an open and honest relationship.

I dont mean - lets all sit on the floor- hold a conch and talk feelings....I just mean - with mine - its taken a long time to realise they dont want my DH to be his own man - FIL does all the hard talking - he is a cold - robotic emotionless business man - he will I have learnt say anything at all to simply try and force my DH to do what MIL wants. Mil doesnt want DH to be liberated and free and to say F off like DSIL does to them ALL THE TIME....she wants him to be subordinate....she wants to dress him still, she wants him to be her DH ( who escapes several months at a time abroad)....

i cant wait for dsil to have children, they are on the same page with lifes values - they are very close and she will let - dmil to take control and unleash herself on her children! hopefully leaving mine alone.

Disastourus DIVA<

me too i have had people come up to me saying " dont worry we know what your up agaisnt"!!!!

500 miles sounds like a good distance!

Sick of politics,

This is another problem the DIL often is the bendy - willow one - the one who copes with the MILs behaviour - and forgives and forgets - its how many times you can do that - I did it for about 6 years - and it got me no where, i gave her an amazing GC and she un leashed herself on me, thats what i got for 6 years subordination and trying to fit in and be polite etc....and build bridges with her and her son!

its to do with being a people pleaser too - you have to learn to stop and wake up and smell the roses. its clearly not getting you anywhere.

there are many ways to skin a cat.

Elizaregina

Im not so sure what you mean by the followig:

its to do with being a people pleaser too - you have to learn to stop and wake up and smell the roses. its clearly not getting you anywhere.

there are many ways to skin a cat.

Please elaborate as some quotes im not so familiar with?

Thanks

"I think a daughter's daughter is particularly special"

The poor old boys are always second best.

Bonniebumble

I have realised that my daughter is their second best GC and i goy this realisation when my daughter was born bless her...it is unfortunate bcos my daughter loves her gransmother and used to prefer her than her than my mother i.e. GranMa...well since a few months now my daughter has switched and now prefers Granny bcos i think children know when they being loved by their granparents so the bond is probs natual from mum's side...

"I think a daughter's daughter is particularly special"

I think that entirely depends on the set-up, the relative closeness of the families etc etc. My mother makes it quite clear that she has a special relationship with my youngest brother's children- but then that's because she does: they live in the same house and come to see her and learn from her every day; my children live in another country and see her twice a year. And my youngest brother is a bit of a mummy's boy (in the nicest possible sense) and lives a life that is much closer to her life, a life she can understand and relate to. She loves us all dearly, but obviously she does feel closer to the people whose lives she shares.

Another one with an excellent MIL.

We both have our moments (as in all relationships), but love each other very much.

Some people are not very nice, these people have children, then those children get married, so you end up with not very nice inlaws. Nothing to do with being inlaws, just with being people.

sick

"now i believe i am generally a good daughter in law and have done alot for my in laws in times of need but when it's my turn i dont get any help"

If you want to be a dutiful DIL do be one - but dont do it to expect any gratitude thanks or fair treatment....

saying they love you as much as DD then abandoning you etc....

again, you are making expectations of them they are not meeting, and you sound let down and upset.

so what are you going to do? Keep doing this - the outcome will not change.

some people do have a tendancy to " say" lots of things - be over familiar etc nad use words where actually there is no feeling, i dont think they are bad people you just have to learn that they dont actually mean what they say...sometimes their heart is in the right place....perhaps this is your MIL?

I have friend who has nice but sort of slap dash in laws - she has also done an awful lot for them and thier son didnt treat her nicely at all, for years and years she says every time as though its new behaviour " can you belive - i spent all that time - organising this or that and when it came to my Bday - not even a card"

after a few years one does start to think - when are you gong to realise its not going to get better.

For my part as said it took about 6 years. I dont like falling out with people - I dont like not getting on with people - it makes me feel depressed - i couldnt just cut people off - however - i know in my heart I have tried every which way - to get on with my PILS< when we found out i was pregnant with first GC ect I gave it my best shot inspite of being really upset about my own DM not with us to share my joy, i was willing - more than willing to share it all with MIL.

Looking back though - I have to ask myself - after years before that of brutilising mine and DH feelings, and poor treatment - what did i expect?

I brought it on myself.

If you get into a car that has dodgy breaks and it crashes once, will you get back into that same car without the breaks being fixed and expect it NOT to crash?

I have seized back control, MIL is having nothing or bare min if that to do with next baby - they certainly arnt coming near her for a long time.

If i do let them near and I get hurt again, i cant blame them, i got back into a car with dogy breaks - i did it.

sick

I would be very cautious exposing children alot to GP who clearly favour one above others....

It didnt matter to me about my GP as they were so old when I came along I saw them a few times a year in stiff sitting round my DM chatting situ's.

HOwever for my older siblings my DB was scarred by GM giving DS more money - attention etc....he always felt second best....

Elizaregina

I understand where you are coming from about a car with dodgy breaks example...i guess i need to accept that they will br the way they are and keep myself and my daughter happy from whoever wishes to give us love and support...tbh i have been doing that regardless...i have been socially active in meeting my friends and family from mu mums side who genuinely love and care for me and my daughter...i guess we can not please everyone and that goes for my in laws...what i do know by now is i need to minimise the things i do for them, keep polite and my distance bcos whenever i do something as a human being i expect gratitude or appreciation which I do get at that time from them and i will not deny this...it 's in times of need like for example i am sick since a few days and my hubby asked his mum to look after our dayghter...to which shd agreed and later refused bcos her own daughter's in laws were coming for afternoon tea and mil offered them to stat for dinner...she then tells me you can come over rest upstairs and later helps us with dinner! Well excuse me mil which part of 'i am not well ' you do not get? This kind of stuff makes me mad!!

I get on fine with my MIL. I think a lot of it is down to the fact that my DH and her don't have a relationship, and because I make an effort to see her with DD, she's just so happy to see her!

She's never been pushy and has never given advice that I've not asked for. She even knows that as much as she wants a relationship with DH, he doesn't and she doesn't try and push me or guilt me into pressuring him to see her.

I think this makes her a lovely lady, even though I know the reasons he doesn't want contact with her. (nothing that would give me concern about my baby being around her!)

socially active in meeting my friends and family from mu mums side who genuinely love and care for me and my daughter

there you go - balance,

with me as DM passed away there was no balance and I was looking for things in MIL like my own DM that MIL cant give. I was open to her sharing with me - things about baby - but she was off with her DM, sharing the joy with her - buying things etc without me.

I was the irritating vessle who was going to deliver the prize, and my goodness once that prize was delivered how she let me know there was no more use for me!!!

If my own DM had been alive - what DMIL says and does would have been less significant, my DM also had a great sense of humour and would have helped me laugh and trivialise alot of her utter crap. My DM had a disabled child and quite a hard life generally but always laughing and making the best of things...MIL has a totally pampered life - I have never seen a family who could be so happy but are sooooo uptight and miserable,....my DM would never ever sweat the small stuff - its hard to empathise with MIL about a small tomotoe ketchup stain way down on a kitchen cupboad she has cried over....

You cant change your MIL but you can change the way you react...if she isnt nasty, I would try and take more a pinch of salt what she says - when she says she will do something then lets you down, why not say something to her in a nice way...

dont expect anything from her she cant give - accept she seems to favours others....and dont let yourself be in a postion where she can drop you, ask her to do less....

i am sick since a few days and my hubby asked his mum to look after our dayghter.

dont ask in future - i have no idea who will help us out when sick with new baby but i sure as hell know i cant ask THEM!!

MIL and I got on fine before DCs

the day DD1 was born it changed

I didn't dress her right (I left her in sleepsuits during the day up until about 6 months)
I didn't have enough milk for her, couldn't possibly if she was feeding every couple of hours
Didn't wean her early enough 'look how hungry she is always eating her hands'

I slipped a disk when I was 3 month pregnant with no.2
DH was working away so I had no choice but to ring MIL as couldn't cope with 15month toddler 'well if you can't cope with 1 how will you every cope with 2'

I am constantly compared with her DD and my children compared with hers

she thinks DD1 is difficult, she isn't she just has different interests to the other GC and they never do anything that she likes to do (she likes museums/science etc others like to go to the park)

nightmare

IA71 I totally, totally get it. My IL's (all of them) are a nightmare. I cannot even imagine having IL's that I would choose to spend time with, let alone enjoy or respect their company. Any advice that my mil offers me makes me want to cringe and hide because I know how unhappy my dh's childhood was. She doesn't deserve a platform on which to offer her opinions. My dh told me his family was odd before I met them. I wish I had trusted him instead of thinking I could fix it. I make a concerted effort to keep them at arms length. If you give them an inch they take a mile. Every. Single. Time.

sickofpolitics is your MIL asian by any chance ? Just sone of the behaviour you described has been experienced by many many of my friends and myself. The archetypal 'desi' MIL and her mind games and manipulation are a force to be reckoned with, ditto the SIL's ( dh's sister/s)

shittingit ...yes MIL is asian and so am i but i have never experienced this kind of behaviour or favouritism in my own asian family from either my dad or mum's side and this amuses me...i guess you can not generalise all asian family...but omg my inlaws can be a typical asian family...the worst part is that my sil's were born and bred here, whereas i come from another country and lived here with my mum and siblings more than 15 years and in comparison i feel my mum's family is more open minded in comparison to my in laws!

elizaregina i am sorry to hear about your mother :( my dad passed away 15 years ago that is when we moved to UK... alot of my mums side of family lives here so there was support system for my mum and us hence the reason for us moving to UK...

elizaregina luckily for me...i asked my daughter's nursery to look after her yesterday and they did, which allowed me to rest...i guess there are options one has to be creative :)

elizaregina your mil sounds a bit weird crying about a tomato ketchup stain haha...anyways your advice taken on board...some things you have said are what i normally do but lately i have been feeling overwhelmed as i have a lot of work on my plate...i guess when you are overworked you start to blame others rather than working on our own attitudes...thanks!

sickofpolitics I thought they might be. I know you can't generalise but also know that some Asian MIL's can be in a league of their own when it comes to their possesiveness over their sons and expectations of DIL's.

My own MIL dotes on her DD's ( which is fine-its her own flesh and blood and a given) she is also forever slating her Dd's inlaws for doing and saying the very things she herself does on a regular basis to her own DILs.

In regards to the GC again although she is good towards my DC, she clearly favours her DD's DC.

I have learned to accept that she wont really change and that I cant make her like me or ever respect me as DIL or mother of her GC. Detaching from her and her weirdness is the healthiest thing I have done in regards to our relationship.

i guess when you are overworked you start to blame others rather than working on our own attitudes...thanks!

Hi sick

the point is you can moan about her - confront her - tell her she is being unfair - but will she listen? How will that help you?

Mine is german haus frau - so also a " special" legaue of her own!!