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Original poster

DP and ex wife

140 replies

waitingforthesun · 14/09/2012 13:32

When i first started dating DP (18 months ago) he told me that he only dealt with ex wife when necessary and picked up his children at the garden gate. They are age 13 and 14. Over time it has become gradually apparent that this is not true and that him and the ex seem to have a very close friendship, calling each other everyday. She comes in for coffee during pick ups and sometimes asks him to do favours around her house, things like DIY. Me and DP do not live together.

I believe it is platonic, but I still feel very uncomfortable with this. She comes round when I am there and acts nice to me, but I don't like it and feel like she is invading our relationship. DP says this is not true and that she is just being friendly and that I am insecure and don't need to worry because he loves me. I have no problem with them being friendly for the sake of the children, it's just that in my mind it is beyond that. I can't describe how I feel like this, but i just do.

I would like people's opinions on this because I don't know what is normal in these situations and I worry that I am being jealous for no reason.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 14/09/2012 13:35

He's still far too attached OP. Why on earth should she come round when you're there? Nope, I'd not like this at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2012 15:02

If it's making you uncomfortable, it's making you uncomfortable. He's not taking your concerns seriously, accuses you of being insecure (nice man) and he wasn't very honest when he said they only spoke when necessary. If you feel like you're the gooseberry in the arrangement, show him the door.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 14/09/2012 15:08

What a great childhood your dp and his ex are giving their children, it must make all four of them happy everyone gets along in their family.

mcmooncup · 14/09/2012 15:09

Hmm co-parenting involves contact. It is much more healthy to have a chat than grunt over the garden fence. I'd actually be inclined to think you have a good one there, mature n allWink

Unless you think they are actually shagging??

Knobbers · 14/09/2012 15:10

I have a similar relationship to my ex (DD's dad) my DP is fine with it but if it made him uncomfortable I would respect his feelings and take a step back.

DD is my priority, that's why I have worked hard to become friends again with ex but at the end of it all, I love DP.

You can still be good parents without being the best of friends.

He's not really respecting your feelings is he?

wfhmumoftwo · 14/09/2012 15:11

Who instigated the divorce, what were the reasons for the divorce? Does his Ex have a partner or has had one since they split? How long have they been divorced.

Clearly it is in the best interests of everyone involved if they can maintain a level of friendship but if its making you uncomfortable then they should both respect that and your DH should back off. It will be tricky for him without a doubt. For example, if his ExW says, can you come and put some shelves up in DC bedroom, you will think, why can't she get someone else to do it, your DP will just think my children live with her and its best they live in a nice comfortable home and need some shelves putting up- so he will feel in the middle.

I do understand your concerns and i think for me the issue i would have is it would feel like she is constantly in the present, rather than in the past. I'm personally not sure i would be too happy with this tbh.

I would accept they need to talk about the children, attend parents evening and so on together but the situation you describe would be too much for me

GentleLentilWeaver · 14/09/2012 15:13

It sounds like there is nothing going on (I have been in exactly the same place as the ex and it was annoying when the new woman seemed suspicious and fearful of me when I just had a good co-parenting relationship with my son's dad and wouldn't have wanted to get back together with him in a MILLION YEARS... ), however he should be talking your concerns more seriously and doing more to reassure you. I would start by talking to him about the discrepancy between what he told you re: dropping them at the gate and what actually goes on, and how that is making you uncomfortable.

Beyond that, I would say this is probably a symptom of you feeling insecure about the extent of his feelings for you. It's nice if they still get on and a fantastic example for their kids, which is very important. Sad that you don't feel valued or loved enough to be able to brush off these concerns though. :( Do you think he is still into her? Who left who, how long have they been split etc etc.

Knobbers · 14/09/2012 15:13

Actually, looking at the other side of it, they have children together. Doesn't matter what age they are, you have only Been together 18months and not living together.

I suppose his priority is still relationship with ex because of the kids.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 14/09/2012 15:15

I look down on men that put their new bit of skirt above their children (not adult children).

ClippedPhoenix · 14/09/2012 15:18

New bit of skirt? 18months? blimey. The mature thing would be for DP to have a discussion with her regarding arrangements. Ex just walking in etc. is wrong.

anastaisia · 14/09/2012 15:30

The huge issue for me would be that he'd not been honest about it. You should have had a choice about getting involved with a man with that level of contact with his ex wife that was taken away from you by him lying about it to you. It might feel very different if you'd gone into the whole thing knowing that this was how they tried to handle everything and they're just doing the best they can for the children they have together - but instead you were deliberately given false expectations and are just expected to accept the situation as it really is.

Original poster
waitingforthesun · 14/09/2012 15:41

Thanks everyone. The split was mutual and i expect him to put the boys first, that is why this is so difficult iyswim? Ex wife has a new partner atm and lots of friends to help with the diy etc so i don't get why she has to ask dp.

DP says he can accept how I feel and will make changes, but he still thinks i am being unreasonable. The lying thing makes me feel there is some kind of emotional reliance or codependence between him and ex wife.

OP posts:
MyNeighbourIsStrange · 14/09/2012 15:47

I would dislike the lies too. I would never ask a broken family working well to change the status quo, I think that is very entitled selfish behaviour.

Feckbox · 14/09/2012 15:47

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
It is a very good thing that they are friends.
They have children together.

Did he actually lie or play down their relationship so you would not feel threatened or insecure?

I would be very annoyed if my do dictated the terms of my relationship with XH

Feckbox · 14/09/2012 15:48

And why should there not be emotional reliance or codependace?

elastamum · 14/09/2012 15:57

I think you need to grow up a bit. Your DP will always be a parent and it is a good thing he has a good relationship with the mother of his children.

My ex and I have keys to each others houses so we can pop in and pick up things for the children if we need to as they frequently end up without their stuff etc. He gets on well with my DP. I got on well with his last GF. I often give him dinner if he arrives late to pick up the children and I am cooking. I have no romantic interest in him whatsover. We attend school functions together, much to the amazement of other parents. We are happily divorced.

Would you rather they hated each other? Hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2012 15:59

I think people mean well when they say you should be happy your boyfriend and his ex get along so well etc., but taking on someone who already has other commitments and a previous family is not a role everyone is comfortable with. There's no 'should' about it, therefore. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, relegated to second or third place in his attention or just irrationally jealous for no apparent reason, you don't have to put up with it if you don't want to.

Mayisout · 14/09/2012 16:02

Problem might be that you do not live with DP so she is not unreasonable to feel she can pop in for coffee, it is his home after all. Also the DIY, she might feel she can hardly ask new DP to do it when it is a new relationship so asks xH.

As DCs are 13 and 14 you only have a few years until they are driving themselves between parents then issue won't arise. I would put up with it if I was you.

Original poster
waitingforthesun · 14/09/2012 16:02

I dont think there should be any emotional codependence between ex partners really. I mentioned that because i can't understand the need to stay as VERY close friends? She asks him to do favours that are unnecessary and nothing to do with the children almost as if she is looking for excuses to be with him. That's why i'm wondering if it is normal. Part of me feels like she is intruding on purpose but I just don't know what to think. I suppose I also feel that he knows she is doing this and somehow enjoys that she still relies on him.

I have an ex husband and children myself, so i understand the importance of keeping things friendly. We have a good relationship but it is much less intense than DP and his ex.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2012 16:07

"Part of me feels like she is intruding on purpose "

I expect you're 100% right. There is a type of ex that likes to flatter themselves that they can click their fingers and their cast-off will still come running. Trust your judgement.

TheDreadedFoosa · 14/09/2012 16:16

This is the sort of relationship i have with my ex. Ds benefits massively from having two parents who get along.

If my dp had the same issue with it that you're having then i think thered be no future for the relationship.

Co-parenting is just not possible for some people, and its a shame. I would certainly not make ds feel uncertain about his family in order to appease a grown adult.

That your dp lied to you is rather shit though.

mouldyironingboard · 14/09/2012 16:23

I think you need to sit down and discuss this properly with your partner. The point is that this is making you uncomfortable even if it isn't intentional.

It's good if your DP gets on well with his ex but they both need to have appropriate boundaries to respect their new partners. Ask your DP if he would mind your ex coming to visit or you phoning him in secret.

I stayed friendly with my ex-h but wouldn't have dreamed of phoning him every day or asking him to carry out DIY. This woman sounds like she still wants control over your DP's life. What part of divorce doesn't she understand?

mouldyironingboard · 14/09/2012 16:28

Also, I'm guessing that the DIY favours only work one way. It's unlikely that his ex would help you or your DP out if you asked her to!

lunar1 · 14/09/2012 16:28

I actually think its a shame more separated families don't do this. When you have children you are connected for life.

I wouldn't ask him to change, I think you need to decide if if you can learn to like the situation or to move on. You shouldn't interfere with the children's lives.

Original poster
waitingforthesun · 14/09/2012 16:29

Thanks cognito, that's how I feel exactly. The question for me is how to deal with it without upsetting things. I have 100% no problem with any contact to do with the kids but it's all the extra stuff that I can't deal with. I just have this gut feeling that she is doing it on purpose. We don't live together but I am there most evenings and it just feels weird sitting between them when they are talking about things they did together in the past. I wouldn't dream of doing that with my ex and his new partner, it's just so awkward!

OP posts: