DP and ex wife

[waitingforthesun]

When i first started dating DP (18 months ago) he told me that he only dealt with ex wife when necessary and picked up his children at the garden gate. They are age 13 and 14. Over time it has become gradually apparent that this is not true and that him and the ex seem to have a very close friendship, calling each other everyday. She comes in for coffee during pick ups and sometimes asks him to do favours around her house, things like DIY. Me and DP do not live together.

I believe it is platonic, but I still feel very uncomfortable with this. She comes round when I am there and acts nice to me, but I don't like it and feel like she is invading our relationship. DP says this is not true and that she is just being friendly and that I am insecure and don't need to worry because he loves me. I have no problem with them being friendly for the sake of the children, it's just that in my mind it is beyond that. I can't describe how I feel like this, but i just do.

I would like people's opinions on this because I don't know what is normal in these situations and I worry that I am being jealous for no reason.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

Confusing for kids

Poor kids having to process their mother and father having a natter over a cup of tea. Its borderline abusive!

[olgaga]

I think there are some very strange responses on this thread. Yes it's highly unusual if parents can get along after a split, talk without animosity about the things they still have in common, help each other out. But it's not exactly undesirable.

Sounds to me as though this former couple get along well and recognise that their kids are a very important link between them.

Not sure what the problem is really, except for OP's feeling that it's intrusive. In which case OP you have chosen the wrong man to be with.

"Borderline abusive" - now that really is weird.

[waltermittymissus]

Can nobody see that she was completely lied to about what sort of relationship he had with his ex.

I've seen posters say she should have chosen to be with someone childless but it's irrelevant because he was dishonest. If he'd been honest she could have made a choice about whether to get involved in this situation but she didn't know the situation because he lied about it.

Now she's invested, her children are invested so it's not as simple as "if you don't like it, leave". There's a real lack of compassion on here. And some unnecessary nastiness too. Referring to her as "a bit of skirt" etc when she's looking for advice on a situation she finds uncomfortable? It's out of order!

[olgaga]

Oh right, I didn't realise it was sarcastic!

Maybe he hasn't been dishonest and maybe 18 months ago things were the way he described. Maybe since he's met OP and been in a long term relationship the ex has relaxed. Maybe it's the fact that 18 months on the boys have grown up enough to be more relaxed about the situation.

Either way, they are parents of two teenage children and it's absurd to be annoyed that they seem to get on ok.

He's not living with her, sleeping with her or having any relationship with her other than the fact that they are parents to two teenage boys. Presumably when he helps with stuff in the house he does it for his boys' sake as much as the ex's.

I really don't see what's wrong with that - except for the fact that OP feels demeaned by it. However that's a problem she has to either deal with, or move on and find a man without a complicated back-story.

[waltermittymissus]

You could be right. Or it could be that they behave inappropriately. Or it could be that OP is paranoid and jealous. That's a lot of maybes!

I don't know that people should be so judgemental without witnessing them together and seeing the dynamic for themselves that's all.

FWIW I agree that it's pretty much the ideal for his children. But his children will be grown and have moved on in a few years. Surely it's ok for him to invest in his relationship a bit too? And part of that is at least trying to alleviate some of OPs fears I would think. Namely by not reminiscing about the good ol' days with his ex wife while she's sitting there between them!

[olgaga]

Well I know what you're saying walter but they have been together 18 months and they don't even live together - whereas he and the ex were together for over 13 years! A lifetime, as far as their kids are concerned.

Surely it's ok for him to invest in his relationship a bit too?

I think if he wanted something a bit more from his relationship with OP he would have moved it on by now.

I suspect that this is as much a cause of dissatisfaction for the OP as the cordial relations between him and the ex.

waiting how much longer do you think you'll be waiting? I suspect you're still young and might want to think about how much longer you want to put up with this arrangement which clearly suits him, and clearly doesn't suit you.

[Mayisout]

Were they together for over 13 years?

Surely it's the best way to do it? I don't think it confuses the children if it's handled ok. It'd confuse them a lot more with a hostile separation. IMO it's got to be the best outcome for the children, and that's what parents are supposed to do, do the best for their children.

Come on now. There is amicably separated and there is living in each other's pockets and from what has been said here the ones describing their amicable separations are not living in each other's pockets which is what the OP's description sounds like.

And whilst you're all putting the children first [sunspecs emoticon for gleaming halos] the OP has DCs too and if her DP is having notions for his ex where does that leave her DCs when she has to leave him? Maybe they don't matter as they are not part of a terribly civilised amicably split family.

[olgaga]

May they have two children aged 13 and 14. They have been parents of those kids, together, for 14 years.

The "DP" and OP are not even living together, after 18 months.

What does that tell you?

It tells me that OP has to make a decision to move on because she's wasting her time!

[waltermittymissus]

I think you may be right olgaga I really hope OPs children aren't overly close to him if that is the case. They've already lived through one separation.

[Mayisout]

Well, obviously they have been parents of those kids for 14 years but they probably weren't together for 14 years, they may only have been together a few years before one chose to leave, who knows?

[olgaga]

they probably weren't together for 14 years

But my point is they were - they have been parents of the same children for all that time - whether they were actually living together or not.

Having children together is an association which all couples will deal with in their own way, whether they are together or apart.

All I am saying is that this man sounds as though he is quite happy to be apart from his ex, and she sounds quite happy to be apart from him. Clearly, in their case, they are still on good terms and he obviously doesn't want to make his relationship with OP any more serious than it is.

That's the problem - the fact that he is evidently not interested in a living together/closer relationship with OP - not his ongoing friendship with the ex.

[GoldShip]

I cannot believe my post up there got deleted.

Myneighbourisstrange, if that was you reporting me wtf?

[waitingforthesun]

To clarify a few things, DP and his ex were together for a very long time. We don't live together because there would be no room for all the children to stay over but we do see each other everyday for most of the day and sleep at each others houses when it is possible. I don't consider it a casual relationship and all the kids are very attached to each other and to us.

My problem is where to draw the line between between friendly relations and something more than that. I feel like i am part of a polygamous relationship, except DP does not have sex with his ex.

The favours often have nothing to do with the kids or the family home and are always things that the wife could do herself, but would be considered traditional 'husbandly' tasks. This also covers things like visiting or helping old friends together, i am invited sometimes but not always. She takes an interest in his home and loves choosing curtains/cushions etc and buying them for him, things that she would have done when they were married.

I can't really describe how I feel the ex intrusive, it is just a strong gut feeling that she knows what she is doing. An example would be always trying to get me and DC's out of the door first before she leaves. AFAIK DP has not met her new partner or any previous partner. DP says her new partner would not appreciate some of the closer aspects of their relationship but expects me to accept it.

[MyNeighbourIsStrange]

They are as they are, you don't like it so leave the situation or accept it.

I am sorry he lied at the beginning of your relationship so you were unaware of the situation.

Why is it 18 months down the line after you introduced your dc to him and his dc that this is now annoying you. Surley before you introduced the dc you were aware he saw more of hid ex than he first let on?

[dysfunctionalme]

I actually think it sounds quite positive. It's really nice to read about exes maintaining a good relationship for the sake of the kids.

Thing is, they are in it together, forever. They are inextricably linked by their children.

It is normal to want to share information about the children very regularly, that's how parenting goes.

You either need to accept it or get out. But I admire a man who takes care of his children and still respects his ex. It's pretty rare.

[FryOneFatManic]

A good level of contact would be great for the DCs, but I would not be happy if my DP and his ex were to spend 3 evenings a week reminicising while I was sat there like a gooseberry.

I also think that the last tow paras of OP's latest post does suggest that this is more than just positive co-parenting, like the ex is putting a stamp on the DP and he doesn't seem to be in a rush to remove that stamp.

And I'm saying this as someone who is very friendly with my DP's ex.

[Offred]

I agree with dysfunctional and neighbour actually. You op as a girlfriend of 18months and no children are not more important than his children and their happiness.

I think it is nice they are so friendly and yes having a happy friendly blended family should be exactly like being in a polygamous relationship where your BF doesn't have sex with his XW. Maybe you aren't cut out for that, I don't think you get to dictate he becomes colder towards her because you feel uncomfortable with it.

He shouldn't have lied about their relationship though, that was dishonest, but you have the true picture now.

[Allthenamesiwantaretaken]

Ok, I think all the posters who are saying how great this is really aren't being realistic, at the end of the day there is no point in being in a new relationship if you arent going to take the feelings of the new partner into consideration, that includes the exw. My DH and his ex wife, get on great, I get on well with her, she is lovely, we also get on with her husband, we are all going out to celebrate DSD's bday together. However, exw totally respects our relationship, doesn't do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable and I respect her relationship with my DH as the mother of his child. She will occasionally reminisce about their time together, but usually in a way where we have a laugh about DH's behaviour and its certainly not done in a way where I am made to feel like the outsider. DH ans exw are great friends, I like that, this situation is much more than that. There is still too much co-dependency going on.

[mouldyironingboard]

It sounds like double standards to me. Why should you accept such a close relationship with her when the ex's new partner doesn't have to get involved?

You should go round to the ex's house next time that your DP does some DIY and sit on the sofa chatting to her and her DP about how glad you are to be friends with them both. In fact, I'd go round there every single time he visits 'to keep him company' as you'd like to get to know the ex's dp better. Play her at her own game! Perhaps you really will all become close friends but if not, appropriate boundaries will be put into place very quickly. You really can't lose in this situation.

[MyNeighbourIsStrange]

Why play games? Why fuck up the happiness of four people? Someine would be one damaged entitled selfish person walking into the lives of happy people causing problems, you would do better walking into a therapists office.

[mouldyironingboard]

Why has your DP not met his ex's new partner? Ask him why he hasn't met a man who is spending time with his DC. I think the whole situation is odd.

Ignore my earlier post, because I agree with myneighbourisstrange. It's better not to play games. It would be better for you and your dc to start spending less time with this man.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

I'm very amicable with my ExH. In fact his girlfriend has just ended things with him, citing me as the reason. Apparently she wanted all drops offs and pick ups done in a neutral location, such as a McDonalds car park, the DCs to only see him every other weekend and she expected us to never speak any more.

I speak to him maybe twice a week and it's generally about the children and arranging contact times or discussing their welfare. He has a text here and there, yes sometimes they were chatty but I never ever behaved like this ExW above and I would never dream of reminiscing about my time together with ExH in front of her. I do my own DIY, but I may ask him to lift something heavy if he was here to see the DCs but I'd never do even half of what she seems to have done and is doing.

As I read more about this situation, I personally find it a little too intimate. I am all for amicable co parenting, it is great for the children and my children really benefit from it and we do still take them places together sometimes. I wanted to be friends with his gf, so she'd feel included not excluded. She didn't want to.

I don't know, it just feels a little inappropriate, in this instance. The boundaries need adjusting a touch. I would feel a little threatened; they almost act like a married couple still, this paragraph made me think that: "This also covers things like visiting or helping old friends together, i am invited sometimes but not always. She takes an interest in his home and loves choosing curtains/cushions etc and buying them for him, things that she would have done when they were married."

If he cannot see how inappropriate that is, you do have to question how long you can put up with this tbh. If you are always involved and feel part of it and comfortable, then that's great but I don't think that is the case. It does feel almost a deliberate action on her part but perhaps it's subconscious or habit after all those years together. Co dependant does seem a good word to use, as others have said.

But then I am also in the camp that my partner shouldn't have female friends that they are too overly familiar with. That was how my ExH's affair begun though.

What a long and jumbled post. Sorry.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Btw I would never have wanted my ExH to become colder with me, but we did discuss what was appropriate and have worked towards behaving the right way. He did want to do the right thing to help his gf feel comfortable. Although that clearly wasn't enough. My situation though is a tad too far the other way but it does show that ExH's can and should be considerate to both parties and of course the ExW

Our kids are happy and content and we get on well for them and I'm glad we're still friendly.

My essay just gets longer, time to go back to the chores

[Rowanhart]

You've actually convinced be with the buying him cushions and curtains. Now that's weird!