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Original poster

DP and ex wife

140 replies

waitingforthesun · 14/09/2012 13:32

When i first started dating DP (18 months ago) he told me that he only dealt with ex wife when necessary and picked up his children at the garden gate. They are age 13 and 14. Over time it has become gradually apparent that this is not true and that him and the ex seem to have a very close friendship, calling each other everyday. She comes in for coffee during pick ups and sometimes asks him to do favours around her house, things like DIY. Me and DP do not live together.

I believe it is platonic, but I still feel very uncomfortable with this. She comes round when I am there and acts nice to me, but I don't like it and feel like she is invading our relationship. DP says this is not true and that she is just being friendly and that I am insecure and don't need to worry because he loves me. I have no problem with them being friendly for the sake of the children, it's just that in my mind it is beyond that. I can't describe how I feel like this, but i just do.

I would like people's opinions on this because I don't know what is normal in these situations and I worry that I am being jealous for no reason.

OP posts:
GoldShip · 14/09/2012 18:38

This reply has been deleted

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panicnotanymore · 14/09/2012 18:46

I think you need to accept that this is what works for him, and her and the dcs, and if you go barging in issuing ultimatums you'll be the one who is pushed out.

They have a shared history and children together, and you have to respect that. It is possible to remain close friends with someone you no longer wish to be married to.

Wouldn't it be easier to accept it and be friendly to her? If nothing else if she is playing games that will freak her out. If she's not it'll be more pleasant for both of you.

GoldShip · 14/09/2012 18:48

What I'm questioning is how long would it go on for? It's obviously not just for the kids sake. So what about when they move out, what happens then?

Is the OP expected to put up with him still wanting to see this woman on A regular basis when there's no need?

caramelwaffle · 14/09/2012 19:00

Sounds like they are still married in all but name.

What does her new partner think? Do you know him at all to speak to.

Co parenting does'nt need to be this intense.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 14/09/2012 19:01

My parents and their partners ofen get together, I am in my thirties, so Gold in answer, probably until they die.

GoldShip · 14/09/2012 19:02

They key word there is their partners myneighbour

caramelwaffle · 14/09/2012 19:02

She left him. Gives a slightly different slant then.

caramelwaffle · 14/09/2012 19:03

X post with Goldship

That is a good point.

Rowanhart · 14/09/2012 19:05

I'd be thanking my lucky stars that I'd found a decent man who treat his exw with the respect she deserves.

Him helping out with DIY jobs etc is the right thing to do. It's his children's home.

In my opinion you shood be thrilled things are so amicable and that both have the best interests of their kids at heart.

What a great fella you've bagged yourself. You should love him more for his good nature!

Xmasbaby11 · 14/09/2012 19:11

I don't think there's any such thing as normal, and this sounds a whole lot better than usual cases when it gets acrimonious. However, make it clear to DP that you don't have a problem with their friendship, but that you expect him to be honest.

AmberLeaf · 14/09/2012 19:11

It would be a lot easier if more separated parents behaved like this.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 14/09/2012 19:14

They have tea just the two of them as well no partners, My Dad's dp knew my parents when they were together, they all know the same people. My parentsalways did meet up before they had partners.

waltermittymissus · 14/09/2012 19:19

The problem here is that he lied about their level of contact. Why? OP is bound to wonder why he had to lie in the first place. Starting off a new relationship and causing trust issues is a bit of a concern to me.

I think it's great that they're friendly for the sake of the children but he should respect his partner's feelings enough to at least talk it through. Unless he's not as committed to their relationship.

As an aside: phrases like "new bit of skirt" really boil my piss. Just because a man has been in a previous relationship doesn't mean that his new partner is some bit of fluff. Ridiculous, childish and dare I say bitter attitude to have!

BitOutOfPractice · 14/09/2012 19:23

So OP - what would youlike him to do. Start being unfriendly to the mother of his children, to the detriment of his kids?

What do you want to achieve by tackling this?

I think it says more about your insecurity than there being a problem here

FWIW me and my exH have a very similar relationship. We speak 3-4 times a day. We have a beer together sonetimes when he picks up. We help each other out when necessary.

My exH's GF is fine with this. My DP was fine with this

I would be more worried if my DP was being cold with his ex - that's a total no-no for me

BitOutOfPractice · 14/09/2012 19:24

Sorry 3-4 times a week

Mayisout · 14/09/2012 19:33

I wish the smug separated on here would stop ticking off the OP when their arrangemets are blatantly less intense.

mcmooncup · 14/09/2012 19:39

Kate Moss goes on holiday with her new husband and ex. Rock on.
It is possible to be amicable on divorcing. And speak. Be civil. Helpful even.
I occasionally speak to my ex. And he was a cunt.

olgaga · 14/09/2012 19:45

I think if this bothers you, OP, you should find a man who doesn't have children.

She will always be his children's mum, and it's in their interests that they are on friendly terms.

KittenCamile · 14/09/2012 20:15

Wow, 'floozy', 'bit of skirt'!! How rude, they have been together 18 months, is no one allowed to move on?!

Its great they can still be friends but I agree this is too much, she doesn't need to come round for coffee that many times a week, she doesn't need to call that many times a day. The DC are of an age when they can be a little independant as well.

Do you really love him? Is he the one for you? Because he may tone it down but it seems like they are still very co dependant on each other. Do you feel like there is 3 people in your relationship? There has to be some boundries and it seems like there are none. GF are allowed some repect too

wfhmumoftwo · 14/09/2012 20:25

I think people are being hard on the op. She has no problem with co parenting, does not want to stop them remaining friends and is mature and caring enough to realise its best if they remain friendly. She just feels its too much, and I agree. There's no need for it. Ultimately you may need to decide if you can put up with it if things don't change but I know I wouldn't be able to. Its just too much for me.

wfhmumoftwo · 14/09/2012 20:28

I think people are being hard on the op. She has no problem with co parenting, does not want to stop them remaining friends and is mature and caring enough to realise its best if they remain friendly. She just feels its too much, and I agree. There's no need for it. Ultimately you may need to decide if you can put up with it if things don't change but I know I wouldn't be able to. Its just too much for me.

Balderdashandpiffle · 14/09/2012 20:59

Is 'smug separated' the same as amicably separated.

Surely it's the best way to do it? I don't think it confuses the children if it's handled ok. It'd confuse them a lot more with a hostile separation.

IMO it's got to be the best outcome for the children, and that's what parents are supposed to do, do the best for their children.

Boy that sounds smug! Halo shine.

MyNeighbourIsStrange · 14/09/2012 21:05

As I said earlier my parents are amicable divorced, I wanted to be like that with my ex, he had other ideas, his second wife is very happy with the situation, she may not feel so happy when her child is out in the cold when he puts his relationship with his next wife above her child.

TheDreadedFoosa · 14/09/2012 21:19

Lots of posts questioning the 'need' or 'necessity' for this level of contact.

Well this may be of no comfort but for lots of us its not so much about need as it is choice.

I enjoy talking to ex, we enjoy doing things together with our child, we choose to chat and socialise and remain in each others lives in exactly the same way as we do with other friends.

Its a shame that for some the idea of people remaining friends (actual, proper friends) after a split is so totally alien and suspicious.

For some people this would never work, theres too much animosity and thats fine for them. But some of us didnt split due to atrocious cuntness, and what better for a child with seperated parents than to know that their family still exists, is still happy and harmonious but just doesnt include a romantic parental relationship?

I can kind of see why op is wary after her dp lied in the beginning, but some of the responses are silly. On what planet is two parents getting on really well a bad thing??

Nobody should feel obliged to put up with being in op's situation if it makes them unhappy or uncomfortable, but the answer is to find a relationship elsewhere that you can feel comfortable with, not to try and force a change that can only have a negative impact on the children.

smileyforest · 14/09/2012 21:19

Sorry but I think this is unnesessary...the boys are teens....well able to make arrangements to see their Dad...they are separated/divorced..getting on with a new life.....I think its more confusing for the kids actually..all have new lives to get on with...I dont contact either of my exes over my kids...i respect they have new partners etc and dont want my intrusion....over the top in my opinion!

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