DP and ex wife

[waitingforthesun]

When i first started dating DP (18 months ago) he told me that he only dealt with ex wife when necessary and picked up his children at the garden gate. They are age 13 and 14. Over time it has become gradually apparent that this is not true and that him and the ex seem to have a very close friendship, calling each other everyday. She comes in for coffee during pick ups and sometimes asks him to do favours around her house, things like DIY. Me and DP do not live together.

I believe it is platonic, but I still feel very uncomfortable with this. She comes round when I am there and acts nice to me, but I don't like it and feel like she is invading our relationship. DP says this is not true and that she is just being friendly and that I am insecure and don't need to worry because he loves me. I have no problem with them being friendly for the sake of the children, it's just that in my mind it is beyond that. I can't describe how I feel like this, but i just do.

I would like people's opinions on this because I don't know what is normal in these situations and I worry that I am being jealous for no reason.

[olgaga]

I'm struggling to see why the DCs would be upset if the relationship ends when it is obviously causing you so much unhappiness OP.

[StillSquiffy]

I was the one who used the words 'new floozy', in relation to how the kids would view it. And i guarantee you they will be using phrases much worse than that if OP comes between them and the harmonious, co-mingling thing their parents have going. Because, guess what? The kids won't be blaming their Dad if the dynamics change, or the Mum.

My DNs have seen their parents in this kind of relationship for years. They would never forgive anyone who tried to step in and change it.

If OP can't accept the relationship as it is currently, she needs to move on, because even if her DP sees her point, the kids almost certainly won't.

[mouldyironingboard]

OP, I know that you say the DC will all be upset if the relationship ends but that isn't a good enough reason to stay with a man who isn't making you happy. The children will all get over a split after a few months. If you stay in this situation it will make you more uncomfortable and resentful.

The DC (yours and his) will have already picked up on the strange dynamics between your DP, his ex and you because children notice these things.

If you think the conversation will be difficult, how about writing everything down in a letter or email?

Just to be absolutely clear - his ex's behaviour is NOT normal and he is enabling her to make you feel pushed out which is completely wrong. After divorce the DC and new partners should be of equal priorities. The ex-w is the mother of his children she is entitled to polite, friendly respect, nothing more. Their main topic of conversation should be the children that they share. The ex has no place within the new relationship and he's got to put appropriate boundaries in place if you are to stay together. I'm an ex-wife and I remained friendly with my ex and his wife. I would never, ever have behaved in any way that made my DC's stepmother feel unimportant. I'm also a second wife and my DH's ex doesn't behave in the way you describe.

[solidgoldbrass]

I think one last talk with your DP where you explain your feelings (preferably without ranting, whining or blaming anyone) is worth doing, but if he's not prepared to change things, then you either learn to live with it or walk. Whining on the sidelines or having tantrums or trying to force him to comply with your wishes is not going to work - and he might decide to dump you anyway.

[Helltotheno]

should I respect this because she was there first?

No, in the case of no kids being involved, you absolutely should not. She was obviously an idiot. Although it's also up to the man not to indulge this carry on.

But everything changes when there are children, and in general, the chidren's happiness is the most important thing. That's why in this case, the OP can't really mess too much with this relationship between her BF and his Ex, hence my point that she really needs to decide what her own boundaries are and cut her losses if she feels this is something she can't be part and her BF isn't giving any priority at all to her feelings.

To me, from all she's said, OP is just like a third wheel here, always on the perimeter, and her BF is just using her for sex. I don't mean it to sound that blunt but I don't see what her purpose is otherwise, when clearly Ex still has pole position in BF's life.

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

You didn't say it, others did. And 'new bit of skirt' and other things that imply that an 18-month relationship shouldn't mean any more than a one-night stand.

[Offred]

It is only you who said "new floozie" which is not what I said or meant

I think I have been clear in saying that the advice is general and across all situations. I do not believe partners have the right to dictate how their partner conducts their relationships with other people and that doing it is fairly pointless anyway. If someone conducts relationships in a way that makes you feel insecure find someone else who has more compatible values.

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

When does someone stop being a 'new floozie' (insert other choice insult out of the many that the OP has been called here) and start having rights in the situation? I moved in with OH when we'd been together a month longer than these two have - we'd been planning to for months but it took a while to work out the specifics. (Neither of us wanted to move to the other's then-home town, and we were both looking for jobs) Obviously it would have taken longer if we'd had families to blend - the idea of doing what we did with two kids each gets me tearing my hair out just imagining. I think Goldship asked a good question - does this apply to exes without children? Because one of OH's exes, who he was with for less than a month and certainly didn't impregnate, would still like to see me as the 'new floozie/bit of skirt/etc' and herself as someone with a prior claim, should I respect this because she was there first?

Sure, OP needs to respect that exes getting on well is a good thing for the kids. But I don't think she's objecting to them being civil or even friendly. It's the fact that his ex is in her face all the time. There's no 'it's your night to have the kids so I'm going to have quiet time with my partner'. It's more 'my teenagers need to be walked ten minutes up the road and have clean clothes dropped off each day and we have to have a drink together each time.' There's a difference.

[Offred]

I don't read that the dp doesn't want ex wife to have another man, he may not but if he did that is pretty much op+dp=dead horse isn't it? It isn't likely he would be able to change how he feels.

[Offred]

See what hell said is what I was trying to say except without the judgement about co-dependence and the relationship being objectively above and beyond. Subjectively for you op the relationship might be too much which is a valid feeling to have but it isn't nice to get all your friends and family involved judging him, they have to be able to find their own path to independent co-parenting and how they relate to each other and that may always be a close friendship like this, if you try to be a catalyst to fundamentally change the nature of the relationship you will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

Contrary to what goldship says I do not think you should put your feelings aside I think you need to talk to him about how you feel but recognise that what you are asking for is fundamental change in their relationship in order to feel that he has placed you above her in his life - big potential cat amongst pigeons there with a whole load of evil stepmother potential and sneaking off to see her secretly...

The children being upset isn't a great reason, I think it was unwise of you to have got the children caught up in the relationship to that degree and that you cannot flog a dead horse because of the kids, the longer it goes on the worse it will be. You need to work out if the horse really is dead, I get that, but I don't think realistically you can expect the fundamental change you seem to need.

[caramelwaffle]

Good luck with everything waiting.

[Helltotheno]

I'm totally in your corner OP. At the end of the day, if your gut instinct tells you something, listen to it. I'm all for co-parenting amicably, a very big fan of it in fact, but this is above and beyond.

The thing is though, that's the way the situation is; if your DP wanted it to change, and wanted to keep you happy by changing it at least a little, he would've done that. No matter what, their codependence is there regardless of you, and both are buying into it.

So what can you do? Well the only option open to you really is to work out what you want, i.e. what the boundaries of the relationship should be for you, and if he's not willing to help make that happen, you really have no option but to move on and find someone who has more room for you in their life.

One more thing: if nobody has met the Ex's BF, are we sure there is a BF? Are we sure that isn't just a front/valid pretend excuse for spending all her time with her ex/your BF? People are capable of that sort of deception you know, when it comes to getting what they want. And you've already said you think she knows what she's doing.... just saying...

[dysfunctionalme]

Well all the best to you, I do hope you and DP can reach a compromise.

Blending families is a tricky business and many, many new partnerships fall down at this point. You DP comes with baggage and it may be that you can not cope with this.

Maybe you don't have to go directly to dumping, maybe take some time out or try a new way forward.

[waitingforthesun]

I shoud add that my friends are also suspicious about DP's motives so maybe ivy has a point about him not wanting to see ex wife with her man. I hate game playing but yes it would be interesting to get everyone together or turn up at her house 3 nights a week etc!

[waitingforthesun]

Thanks to everyone who has offered genuine sympathy and advice. ive said already that walking away isn't as simple as it sounds. we have all the DC to think about and they have all seen enough sadness already in their lives. Putting up with it isn't an option either because it is making me ill. i can't just pretend it's fine.DP says he does not want me ever to leave him.

I have never said i want his ex wife out of the picture. i just want a happy compromise and also to understand what is actually going on. i have lots of friends with broken up familes where everyone gets on, but i don't know anyone with such an intense set up. My family friends in RL all think it is totally unacceptable and say ex wife is up to no good.

I am not a control freak in the slightest and hesitated to say anything at all to DP. But, it is a case of him either changing things or losing me and he has a right to know where he stands. Dumping him and not explaining why would be unacceptable to me, him and the DC, so I had to tell him why i was so unhappy.

[ivykaty44]

AFAIK DP has not met her new partner or any previous partner. DP says her new partner would not appreciate some of the closer aspects of their relationship but expects me to accept it.

That reads to me that dp doesn't want to see his ex wife with another man, somewhat a telling sign - sorry. You are expected to see him and his ex together, his ex is supposed to see you two together...but he can't face letting another man in to the relationship between the three of you to make an equal four. If you were all friends then the fourth person would be included.

Ask them all round for dinner and then see what the response is and who is being unreasnable then?

[GoldShip]

I have absolutely no anger at all. My DP is childless. I just think you're all setting the OP's feelings aside in a tremendous way.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

Goldship, i guess this thread has hit a nerve for you (possibly you have issues with your dp's ex?), its clear you feel strongly but your anger on this thread is probably very little to do with op and her situation and is out of step with the rest of the thread.

[Offred]

I'm not into pretending things don't bother me btw. My DH having close female friends doesn't bother me, I wouldn't pretend it didn't if it did and I wouldn't have a DH who I knew had close female friends if it did bother me.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

Its quite straight forward (but of course, not easy), op if you are unhappy with things then leave.

If you stay and try to force a change then it can only lead to animosity one way or another. Besides, i dont think its ever a good idea to force someone into changing their behaviour. Its never going to be an honest change, but one made under duress.

[Offred]

If you read what I said properly what I am talking about is expecting to be able to tell your partner to change a pre-existing relationship. I said there is a middle ground where you can talk and explain how you feel and find out how they feel but fundamentally you are not realistic to be able to get them to change their whole relationship with their ex. You as the new person are coming into a dynamic which already exists at least this dp is being honest unlike the ex wife who conceals things from her dp. Why continue in a relationship where what is on offer is not what you want?

Also which is it; I am jealous because I want my ex to be closer to me or I pick a perfect partner first time? You aren't even making sense.

[GoldShip]

Offered - it's hardly micromanage. And, so you've never disliked a way a partner 'conducts themselves' and questioned it?
Oh no I supposed you find the perfect one straight away or get a stiff upper lip and pretend nothing ever bothers you?