DP and ex wife

[waitingforthesun]

When i first started dating DP (18 months ago) he told me that he only dealt with ex wife when necessary and picked up his children at the garden gate. They are age 13 and 14. Over time it has become gradually apparent that this is not true and that him and the ex seem to have a very close friendship, calling each other everyday. She comes in for coffee during pick ups and sometimes asks him to do favours around her house, things like DIY. Me and DP do not live together.

I believe it is platonic, but I still feel very uncomfortable with this. She comes round when I am there and acts nice to me, but I don't like it and feel like she is invading our relationship. DP says this is not true and that she is just being friendly and that I am insecure and don't need to worry because he loves me. I have no problem with them being friendly for the sake of the children, it's just that in my mind it is beyond that. I can't describe how I feel like this, but i just do.

I would like people's opinions on this because I don't know what is normal in these situations and I worry that I am being jealous for no reason.

[Mayisout]

We don't live together but I am there most evenings and it just feels weird sitting between them when they are talking about things they did together in the past

Hmmm. Yes that's OTT.
Next time can you ask about the break up, what did they row about? teehee, sorry just joking. But it can't all have been fun and laughter.

[Mayisout]

Or open the door looking a bit dishevelled/bruised lips next time she calls round.

Their behaviour is so civilised and friendly as to be suspect - you are right.

[StillSquiffy]

I think this is a really healthy way to live, and you should put up with it and not let it bother you. My parents invite my xDSIL to all the family events, and she joins us for supper on xmas day. She often shares a glass of wine with DB, and he has at times helped round her house.

Of course it goes further than platonic. She gave birth to his kids. They both know that they used to love each other. And nothing can actually change that. But it also has absolutely no bearing on how he feels about other women.

However, he would (and has done) walk away from any woman who refused to put up with this. And the question to ask yourself is why exactly should he really upset someone who has done nothing other than forgive him for divorcing her and who has been utterly nice and reasonable and balanced, and a fabulous mum?. How do you think his kids would feel if he suddenly distanced himself from their mum, simply to appease the new floozy?

[Notsogoodhousekeeping]

I feel like many of you are missing the point - he has been somewhat economical with the truth with OP. Her issue isn't that the ex-wife comes round, it's that her DP originally said nothing like that was happening; contact was minimal. It then turns out that this is far from the truth. I think OP has every right to feel a bit put out.

If he'd been honest from the start it would be a different story and OP would have been able to make a choice about the relationship there and then, and whether she was comfortable with their arrangement.

I think I'd trust my instincts on this one, OP. Your feelings are valid. It's one thing for him to say you're insecure but if he wants to keep you then he needs to consider you in proceedings.

[anastaisia]

"it just feels weird sitting between them when they are talking about things they did together in the past"

Regardless of the relationship - that's really rude! Maybe, possibly, just about acceptable if you meet up with an old friend you haven't seen for AGES. But not at all on a regular basis like that.

[Notsogoodhousekeeping]

I also think it's out of order to refer to someone's new partner as "the new floozy". You're showing your own insecurities there!

[solidgoldbrass]

Hmm. I think you and he have a different view of your relationship; she is the mother of his DC and therefore a family member. ANd it is, actually, good all round that he gets on well with her as far as the family is concerned.

You are not yet family, you are his current girlfriend. Stamping your feet and demanding to be his top priority is not necessarily going to endear you to anyone, and it is possible that you would simply be happier with a man who doesn't have children with his ex-partner.

[waitingforthesun]

I totally accept the opinion that the kids come first, but how much is acceptable? Last week she was round 3 evenings in a row for an average of half an hour, plus 3 or 4 five minute swap overs of clothes/the boys things. On top of that they were texting and phoning everyday. The boys both have mobile phones and access to the house phone so can call their dad themselves at any time. On top of this, they only live a ten minute walk down the road.

I'm new to all this and as i said, it's kind of crept up to this degree of closeness. I can appreciate the whole family life thing, but could many women actually deal with this? I have told DP that I can't and I have offered to step out of the picture if he wants because I cannot cope with it at all and I feel it is too much. He says now he'll cool it of but still thinks things are fine as they are.

[MyNeighbourIsStrange]

They are a family, this works for them and not you, time to call it a day for you and dpr, there are plenty of men about who will bitch their ex and abandon their kids you could hook up with.

[anastaisia]

For me, being able to deal with it or not would depend on how much I felt I could trust my DP. And so the original deception would be a MASSIVE issue for me.

I'd also worry that DP possibly wasn't actively making time for me if it's as frequent as you describe. I wouldn't like it if time we were spending together was consistently interrupted when you aren't living together and so it's not as though you're just both at home but you're a visitor to his home. Like discussing events you weren't part of in front of you, I'd feel that was rude and showed a lack of respect for me on DP's part that isn't actually anything to do with the quality of his relationship with his ex. I wouldn't expect those things to happen regularly with a friend or other family member either.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There's friendly, cooperative, good parents and what have you and then there's taking the piss. :) Sounds to me like if you did step out of the relationship it would take him a few weeks to notice you'd gone. No, you don't want to be the indignant girlfriend in the background demanding anyone drops contact but I often wonder with exes like this why, if they get along so chummily, they bothered getting divorced in the first place?

[Mayisout]

Last week she was round 3 evenings in a row for an average of half an hour, plus 3 or 4 five minute swap overs of clothes/the boys things. On top of that they were texting and phoning everyday

Jeesh someone needs to get organised here.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

No-one swaps clothes for 13 and 14 year-olds that often.... they wear the same thing 24/7. It's all a ruse & I think you're right to be suspicious.

[Balderdashandpiffle]

I see, text, email or speak to my ex-wife every day.
We go to parents evenings etc together.

It's because we had two children together and they live between two homes so it helps their and our lives run smoother.

I've put up shelves for her and given her advice if asked, she's the mother of our children and always will be.

[waitingforthesun]

Yes, it does seem OTT. Me and exH manage very well without nearly that amount of contact.

I trust DP not to sleep with her and he says he would never get back together with her, but I feel like there is some sort of emotional bond that is affecting my relationship with DP. My DC are very attached to him and the boys so it is not so easy to walk away, plus I love him and couldn't imagine life without him. I feel like she is taking the P and he is letting her but I can't understand why?

[Jinsei]

Was it actually a deception, initially, or has the relationship just changed over time? Perhaps they were both too raw when OP and DH met to have too much contact, but now they're both with new partners, they can put all that behind them? The OP says that the current level of closeness just sort of "crept up" on them, so the DP might have been giving an honest account when they first met.

At the end of the day, they have both chosen not to be together, and to be with different partners. It's great for the kids if they can maintain a genuinely warm relationship, but if they wanted more than that, I suspect the OP would no longer be in the picture. The fact is, OP, your DP is choosing to be with you.

[Mayisout]

But does she call round for coffee and sit and discuss your past events in front of your new partner?

[Mayisout]

But does she call round for coffee and sit and discuss your past events in front of your new partner?

Sorry, the above was aimed at Balderdashandpiffle.

I feel like she is taking the P and he is letting her but I can't understand why?

Well, are you the first close relationship that DP has had since their split?

[pinguthepenguin]

Honestly, I am permanently on the receiving end of some abject hostility on the part of my ex's now wife. She just cannot contain her very obvious jealousy and hate me and ex being in the same room. If he got out of the car to give me a 5 min update on dd, or she heard that he had ( shock) come into the house on a drop off, she would be worse the week after. she has calmed down a bit since they got wed ( silly woman) but was previously nothing short of foul to me.
Your DP has a child with his ex. The bond will always be there because of that child, it isn't a romantic one, so get over it. As another wise poster rightly said, better this than a fractious or downright hostile relationship between them.

[waitingforthesun]

Bald, did you have to reassure your new partner or was she always okay with it?

Jinsei, i suspect that they were close before me and DP met and he then told her to cool it a bit when he met me. It's sort of crept up since then but it is possible DP was more secretive about it before.

I would never have got involved if i'd known it was like this and I spoke in depth to DP about my feelings before we started dating because of the kids. I actually said no at first because i worried he was not over his ex. It's been a year and a half now and all the DC's are attached etc so it is very difficult to end things without causing a lot of heartache.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

What about not going round for a few weeks, but your DP coming to you?

[Hassled]

I think it probably shows that he's a thoroughly decent, nice guy. He shouldn't have been economical with the truth, though - if he'd been up front this would have been a non-issue.

I had/have the same sort of relationship with my Ex. We managed to never stop liking each other and have always spoken/seen each other - over and above what was necessary re the DCs. We're both happily remarried, but the friendship has continued. It has made life so much easier for our shared DCs, and for our parenting - we sing from the same hymn sheet.

So don't throw in the towel just yet - give it time. She may become a friend of yours as well.

[Mayisout]

I actually said no at first because i worried he was not over his ex

So she left him?

[mouldyironingboard]

I'd tell your DP that the relationship 'doesn't work for me any more'. It's also sending confusing messages to the children. You can be friendly with an ex without needing to speak every single day. The children are teenagers so they should be capable of sorting out their own clothes when they go between houses.

The fact that he thinks that this is your problem, not his, would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not suggesting that he cuts contact with his ex completely but allowing her to talk about old times when you are sitting there, is completely disrespectful and insensitive towards you.

[GoldShip]

You need to talk to him.

I would hate this. And it's nothing to do with 'growing up'.