DP and ex wife

[waitingforthesun]

When i first started dating DP (18 months ago) he told me that he only dealt with ex wife when necessary and picked up his children at the garden gate. They are age 13 and 14. Over time it has become gradually apparent that this is not true and that him and the ex seem to have a very close friendship, calling each other everyday. She comes in for coffee during pick ups and sometimes asks him to do favours around her house, things like DIY. Me and DP do not live together.

I believe it is platonic, but I still feel very uncomfortable with this. She comes round when I am there and acts nice to me, but I don't like it and feel like she is invading our relationship. DP says this is not true and that she is just being friendly and that I am insecure and don't need to worry because he loves me. I have no problem with them being friendly for the sake of the children, it's just that in my mind it is beyond that. I can't describe how I feel like this, but i just do.

I would like people's opinions on this because I don't know what is normal in these situations and I worry that I am being jealous for no reason.

[GoldShip]

OP you need to talk to him. The helping him buy stuff for his home is even more strange. He's got to see this isn't a usual arrangement.

And those harping on about how it's good for the kids. It isn't good for the kids if their split up parents are in each others pockets. This might even give them the idea they might actually get back together. The ex wife might even be giving this impression.

I don't believe at all that you'd be happy with your partner going for drinks and socialising generally with a a woman who was once intimate with him. For the kids is fair enough, any further is unnecessary.

[Nanny0gg]

Oh, come on! How many of you, in a relationship with someone, would be happy with this: The favours often have nothing to do with the kids or the family home and are always things that the wife could do herself, but would be considered traditional 'husbandly' tasks. This also covers things like visiting or helping old friends together, i am invited sometimes but not always. She takes an interest in his home and loves choosing curtains/cushions etc and buying them for him, things that she would have done when they were married.
I would feel vert pushed out if I were the OP.
Yes, it's great that they get on well for the children, but this is going way over the top. If they live a 10 minute walk away, the Ex doesn't need to be that involved as the children could take themselves to their father's house on their own.

She doesn't want to let go.

[Offred]

I don't see why a new girlfriend gets to interfere in a pre-existing relationship nevermind the relationship between their BF and the mother of his children. This is the relationship they choose to have, he was dishonest about it to start with, now he isn't being. I don't see why relationships that are unusual are being classed as unacceptable. If the bf wants a polygamous style family with a new gf and a non-sexual close relationship with his ex wife then I don't know why he can't have that. He's tied to the ex wife forever through their children I don't see why it is bad if they are close. If the op doesn't like what is on the table she can choose put up or shut up but I don't think it is right to start interfering and changing how he chooses to conduct his relationships with other people. If it made me uncomfortable I would talk to him about it and see how he felt, if I still felt bad I would leave the relationship. Politics of blended families are difficult and sometimes some people are just not suited to each other because of their abilities to handle the kinds of relationships their new partners have with their exes whether that is getting on too well or the stress of conflict.

[MyNeighbourIsStrange]

I agree it smacks of being a control freak to make demands of how a partner behaves in their relationships with others, a red flag behaviour.

[GoldShip]

Offered - so basically he can have two women. One he sleeps with nd one he spends time with, oh but of course it's only 'for the children's sake'

This is much more than being the children's mother. This is more like 'the other woman'. Choosing cushions? What dream world are we living in?

The OP needs to leave this situation because obviously it isn't going to change. She should be able tobe the number one woman in his life. Just because he has children doesn't mean she should be put aside so his ex can be comfortable.

OP good luck to you, Id like you to keep in touch if you can x

[GoldShip]

myneighour
'it smacks of being a control freak to make demands how a person behaves in their relationship with others'

What if it was an ex who they didn't have children with?

[GoldShip]

And I HATE the saying 'it smacks'. Never heard anyone saying it in real life and if I did I would outwardly pull face

[Offred]

And ok, you might think it was weird, ok you might feel pushed out. So what? You interfere in his relationship with his ex wife in which he is apparently happy as is he therefore meaning the children are more likely to be happy and you expect he make changes so you feel less insecure as the new non-live in gf? Who knows what effect that might have on everyone involved. There's a middle ground where he could perhaps consider your feelings more if you spoke to him but I don't think you can dictate the ex wife stop buying cushions for his house etc.. If how he wants to conduct his relationship with his ex wife makes you that insecure perhaps you need to find someone with less baggage or a more compatible approach to relationships.

[GoldShip]

'new non live in girlffiend'

Yet another condescending remark. She has been with this man for 18 months. It's hardly a very short space of time.

And again, I think it's very confusing to children if they see their mum and dad almost acting like they are together. Like I said before, they could be hoping they get back together. That in itself is a horrible thought :(

[Offred]

Fundamentally you are always on a hiding to nothing if you have to get someone you are seeing to change in order to feel secure in the relationship though. What is actually wrong with caring for your ex wife? Really? What is actually wrong with that? It is nothing to do with making a new partner feel second best it is just how his pre-existing relationship is with his ex. He has made this problem to a certain extent by lying about it initially and then revealing later but still if you feel uncomfortable about it it wouldnt be right or even successful to expect him to change. If you feel uncomfortable with it find someone else you do feel comfortable with and leave him to decide how he conducts his own relationships.

[Offred]

No not condescending I'm saying she doesn't live in his house so why does she have any say in what goes on there?

[GoldShip]

How many 'exes' are there in this thread? Just wanting to feel better because they've not been given the same

[TheDreadedFoosa]

I dont understand your question Goldship, could you rephrase it?

[Offred]

Ha ha ha! Yes, I'm just jealous because I want to be closer to my ex?! Jeez... My advice if you look on other threads is usually the same about things like this. I don't believe in controlling your partners' relationships full stop. It is pointless entirely pointless, I don't know why you wouldn't just find someone that you were more compatible with than waste time trying to micromanage how another adult conducts themselves. It is quite ridiculous.

[GoldShip]

Offered - it's hardly micromanage. And, so you've never disliked a way a partner 'conducts themselves' and questioned it?
Oh no I supposed you find the perfect one straight away or get a stiff upper lip and pretend nothing ever bothers you?

[Offred]

If you read what I said properly what I am talking about is expecting to be able to tell your partner to change a pre-existing relationship. I said there is a middle ground where you can talk and explain how you feel and find out how they feel but fundamentally you are not realistic to be able to get them to change their whole relationship with their ex. You as the new person are coming into a dynamic which already exists at least this dp is being honest unlike the ex wife who conceals things from her dp. Why continue in a relationship where what is on offer is not what you want?

Also which is it; I am jealous because I want my ex to be closer to me or I pick a perfect partner first time? You aren't even making sense.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

Its quite straight forward (but of course, not easy), op if you are unhappy with things then leave.

If you stay and try to force a change then it can only lead to animosity one way or another. Besides, i dont think its ever a good idea to force someone into changing their behaviour. Its never going to be an honest change, but one made under duress.

[Offred]

I'm not into pretending things don't bother me btw. My DH having close female friends doesn't bother me, I wouldn't pretend it didn't if it did and I wouldn't have a DH who I knew had close female friends if it did bother me.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

Goldship, i guess this thread has hit a nerve for you (possibly you have issues with your dp's ex?), its clear you feel strongly but your anger on this thread is probably very little to do with op and her situation and is out of step with the rest of the thread.

[GoldShip]

I have absolutely no anger at all. My DP is childless. I just think you're all setting the OP's feelings aside in a tremendous way.

[ivykaty44]

AFAIK DP has not met her new partner or any previous partner. DP says her new partner would not appreciate some of the closer aspects of their relationship but expects me to accept it.

That reads to me that dp doesn't want to see his ex wife with another man, somewhat a telling sign - sorry. You are expected to see him and his ex together, his ex is supposed to see you two together...but he can't face letting another man in to the relationship between the three of you to make an equal four. If you were all friends then the fourth person would be included.

Ask them all round for dinner and then see what the response is and who is being unreasnable then?