I almost don't know what to say about my weekend. It seems a bit unreal now, a distant memory already. But this is going to be a looooooong post, so apologies in advance. 
As usual, had a great time during the day on Saturday, up at our house with NSDH - DS1 was playing with friends, I took DSD into town for a while, had a nice chat. She said a few things about her dad that made me think - wow, that's a real turnaround, a good sign' - like the fact that he'd let DSD2 go back to her mum's house for a sleepover that night, he normally wouldn't. Had a great evening, lots of fun, played cards with the kids, had a takeaway. After the kids were all in bed me and NSDH got into a conversation about past relationships - always an issue for us, he's very jealous. He admitted he'd cheated on his previous wife (although I still don't know if it was while they were married).
Anyway. Then he said mentioned that I'd looked through his phone (on one occasion, done as retaliation for him looking through mine and then haranguing me about 'suspicious' names, and I've previously admitted it when asked). He asked if I had any questions about any names. Now, here's the thing. On his phone there was a conversation between him and an ex from December last year where she was asking to meet up. He said nothing incriminating in his reply (sidestepped the meeting up question), but made no mention of now being married, or having had a new baby arrive just a week before - his ex obviously didn't know any of that. Also, I discovered a few weeks ago receipts for drinks at a hotel on a night in July (ie after I'd left) when he was out at his sister's birthday party - but the receipts were for a different hotel. I didn't snoop for these, they were lying on the worktop one weekend, I was tidying stuff away. Could be perfectly innocent, but he told me all about the party (because he argued with his brother), but made no mention of this other hotel. I'm not sure why I haven't brought it up with him before now, maybe scared of the answer...
So, I said if there was anything he wanted to tell me about names on his phone, he needed to do that, I wasn't going to come out and ask him. Partly because I'm still a bit scared of him and didn't want something I said to send him off on one, I thought he would be calmer about it if he was telling me rather than me asking. He refused, saying I had to ask, he wasn't going to say anything if I wasn't going to ask. Back and forwards it went. I was starting to get annoyed, and starting to wonder if he really is being truthful with me, since he said he'd found it easy to lie to the mother of his daughters when he was cheating on her. He got very annoyed with me and started to get a bit full on about it. We called it a day and went upstairs to bed. He came in from the bathroom after brushing his teeth, said 'let's sort this out' and went in for a big cuddle and kiss. I wasn't feeling like doing that right then, plus I hadn't brushed my teeth and said this. He got annoyed cos I'd pulled away, and shoved his toothbrush (still in his hand) into my mouth quite hard. I was shocked but went to brush my teeth with a sinking feeling. He came in to the bathroom and we argued a bit more, then he threw the hand towel in my face. That doesn't sound like much, but he was standing really close so it was full force and it stung. I got upset, he told me I was being ridiculous, he'd not thrown it hard - he then redemonstrated, throwing it lightly onto my shoulder. No, I said, you threw it like this - and threw it into his face. I know, I know, I shouldn't have brought myself down to his level. The towel unfortunately knocked his glasses off. He picked up the towel and threw it into my face again, even harder. I walked out and went to get into the spare bed. he came and sat on the bed talking loudly, so I'd come back into our room (DS2 was sleeping in the spare room, and was starting to wake). I went into our room and got into bed, he called me a spoiled bitch (several times), did the old trick of stripping of the duvet and pulling the pillows out from under my head. he grabbed my wrist a few times and told me to leave, made to pull me out of the room. I told him he was being abusive again, that he hadn't changed, that he was an arsehole (I know, I know, I shouldn't name calling either 
). It all went horrible, I said I was going to sleep, he basically said it was over unless I rolled over and gave him a cuddle. I said I didn't want it to be over, but I also didn't want to give him a cuddle right now so wasn't going to. He whispered in my ear: You're out of here in the morning.
Morning came and went, and of course I wasn't 'out of there', but no apology from him. In fact, he told me that he was fed up with me, fed up with me starting arguments, keeping them going, ruining our evening again. Now I think back, I don't know why I didn't just get up, get my stuff and my kids, and go. What the mo-fo-eff is wrong with me? Why did I let all that happen again, then stay? Not just stay, but allowed myself to be persuaded that we should have dinner together and he'd stay over at my flat, to have another shot at a good evening. But that's what happened. I felt awful all day yesterday. I felt detached, but not in a good way - in a 'oh my god I'm losing it' kind of way. I hardly spoke all day. I think he knew I was thinking that this situation wasn't good and maybe I should end things with us, because he did say later in the day how sorry he was for calling me names (no mention of the towel or anything though), and how he knew he needed to seriously get his act together and how we were only still together because of my efforts and I was the best thing that had happened to him and he wasn't letting me go.
But something I read on another thread yesterday stuck - that if people show you who they really are, you should believe them. but which bit is the real him? And what about me? What have I shown him about myself? Am confused, and upset, and sad, and ashamed of myself. I feel I've let myself down in so many ways. Will this horrible state ever change?