Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 11

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Umm...after many months I can only say that it is not easy and is helped by being in a different house (not much help to you)

the thing is for detachment to work you have to not be trying to avoid, spot or predict the next blow up. It is his, not yours and you need to stop the thinking.

On another thread there was a lovely image of the abuser in a bubble and every thing that he does/says is inside the bubble too. Everyone else is outside the bubble. Mostly it is a bit like looking at an insect that bites or stings. you train yourself to say (internally) oh look he is putting out his claws, oh look he is belittleing me, oh look he is being passive aggressive. rather like a scientist documenting a behaviour of a new species.

Practice makes perfect but even better is to remove the abuse from your immediate environment!

Sadness id grief for the years you have had, the hope that is dying, the precious realisation that this cannot be fixed.....treat it as grieving. Like the book, you can't go over it, you can't go round it you've got to go through it...with as much support as possible.

Fool Thank you.
I really like the idea of documenting his behaviour as opposed to feeling like part of it, or the cause of it. The bubble is a useful visual tool, instead of putting myself in one as a way of protection, I can see him in the bubble and seperate from me.

You hit the nail on the head with "the hope that is dying" I hadn't realised, but you are exactly right. Each time we argue another little piece of me realises that my optimism is misplaced.

fool, thanks so much for info re occupancy. All I want to do is escape but don't want to shoot myself and kids in foot re house too much.

purple six days of the silent treatment is definitely a very big deal, you have every right to be devastated and to take it seriously. I have suffered that a couple of times this year and FW even inflicted it on kids for nearly two weeks. It is classic emotional abuse. Nowadays I deal with it by not giving a shit about FW, but I loved him for years. It's taken years of pain for my love to be killed so entirely that I can now deal with his self indulgent sulking, (Inc aggression of the passive, verbal, emotional and physical kind at varying times) without terrible anxiety, agony and tears and hopeless hoping on my part. I didn't really take my problems seriously until I cam on here, read the links and bought Lundy. I thought if I was a better person it wouldn't be happening and that my crapness was bringing it on in some undefined way. I don't think that now! Unfortunately (for him) that realiastion has also killed my love for my husband. Your fears and feelings DO deserve space and consideration. Good luck

Hi Hilde that's lovely that you are going to help this poor child. He will remember you forever as someone who tried to help him and also made him feel valued and human, whatever happens with teacher etc. Bless you for being such a lovely person.

I know exactly what you mean by anger maintaining the momentum. Me too! I don't exactly long for the bad stuff but it would make things move quicker. I think FW knows that and is reining in at mo. I have appt with solicitor next week and am about to phone my local WA as one of the steps in my "New September Dawn" programme I called it that as a joke but am now getting to like it

Hilde be prepared, if a child confides in you you can't promise to keep secrets or sort it out yourself and you must gird your loins to start a difficult process going. If the friend is being hit with a belt then Children's services will need to be involved and school.

beware the need to be a rescuer (although in this case the situation needs to be checked and maybe sorted)

beware the temptation to ignore your own situation in the process of helping with someone else or tying yourself further into your situation by committing help and resources that will keep you where you are

Helloo

pony so sorry for your weekend. ditto that you defenitely don't deserve to be treated like this and it is so much easier to give good advice than take it

fool thank you for a new thread

kind thoughts and best wishes to everyone else.

Still mired in swirly thoughts RE what happened to my friend, it feels all like a reflection. Was stupid yesterday and having spent all summer trying to detach and having H play the 'I'm an AMAZING H' and hoovering like a cleaning lady I was stoopid enough to start thinking, 'gosh it's not so bad....he can sometimes be ok.....maybe there is a future.....'

Ha ha ha - as soon as the barriers start to come down - and bearing in mind he may not be shouting/swearing/name calling/doing other stuff etc ALL the time, but there are an awful lot of clenched fists, shaking with rage that's just waiting to get out and an awful lot of swearing and name calling "out of earshot" of me, plus when we were driving in Europe (I did the majority of a 1000 mile + drive as he was soo tired and then I was up with dc3 most of the time night) and I missed a turn, I was then barraged with 45 minutes of verbal abuse for "Not doing as you were fing well told and then not doing a U turn when I told you too you stupid btch" Really helpful when winding your way through small complex 1 way systems and round abouts, on the wrong side of the road. He was so busy shouting at one point I couldn't hear the sat nav But I realised this am (again) that he's never really going to change. I do not have a partnership where we share anything much.

This, he feels, is a massive improvement in our relationship. However the fact of the matter is we only get on when I am more or less detached from him, as I make no demands on him and don't expect him to do much beyond go to work. His perfect relationship - gets to do whatever he wants, dresses it up by "giving me choices" like this - I am doing this this weekend - that ok with u?? about how his time is spent, but wo betide I should actually want him to do something he doesn't/spend his time differently...then life is a whole different matter. It works when I am detached because I take the kids out on my own / do stuff with them on my own, or if he's having a 'I miss my kids' moment, he takes them out on their own without me. Something he has always aspired to - me just vanishing.

Sorry - small potatoes I know. At least he hasn't tried to physically hurt me very recently.

Don't really want to call WA as it could stop a call getting in from someone who is in imminent danger. Do want to call them for advice

Sorry - too long a post.

Hilde agree with fool about not making promises to not tell. Hope it all goes OK for you with this child tonight.

You have my empathy with the suffocating feeling when FW or Hs are 'trying rilly rill hard to sort it out'

H acts like a scarily enthusiastic puppy when he's being oh so everso good good good. It's really unnerving.

bb99. Call WA, itis what they are there for, choose a less busy time and get the support you need.

Evening ladies I'm sorry I haven't read all the posts but wanted to thank Fool. I am only 9 weeks out & I feel an emotional wreck, I have no contact with STBFWXH my mum does all the contact with him & the kids. What I want to know Fool is when does the nice/nasty stop bothering u? It gets to me all the time & he is not even here :( x

Hi its me,

Nothing major going on at the moment, nsdh is being very nicey nicey atm, trying to reel me back in. But the actual things he does haven't changed, just what he is saying. I've actually taken a step and booked a cab appointment for next Thursday to talk about the finances of separating, so I'm very nervous now. I feel like a failure.

I noticed someone upthread mentioned that their nsdh won't have pets. This struck a cord with me as my nsdh won't either, but I can't wait to have pets again.

Really trying hard to stay strong and detached and not be reeled in again.

X

Sorry I haven't read all the posts btw, in the bathroom as when nsdh is home its the only place I can go to come on here...

newbe it gets better gradually, you detach gradually, you grieve gradually...you will suddenly realise that you have been happy for a whole day, then week, then a few weeks......but it does get better and the less YOU have to do with him (thank heavens for MUM) the faster you will find yourself.

Counselling can help. At 9 weeks you are just beginning.

IT WILL GET BETTER and YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING

Pulled in...you are not failing, he has failed to love and to look after you, to treat you as an individual, to consider you an equal. You are just acknowledging that fact.

If a doctor tells a patient what is wrong with them and what the treatment is, is it the doctor's fault if the patient walks away and refuses to believe/take the treatment? No s/he has done what s/he can. The responsibility lies with the patient.

PS Pets yay...trying to decide what to get (we have fish) dog/cat/both???????

Mmm... wish I had a big bar of chocolate. I have nothing sweet in the house that is remotely tempting and I'm searching the kitchen - basically for a hug in food form.

cheese....but only if there is no chocolate to be found!!!!

silverpussycat enjoy the peace and glad you still get the name!!

Just want to dive in and vent following a phonecall with NSDH.

We just talked about general stuff to begin with. I felt I wanted a bit of distance again, happy to talk but wanted to keep it very surface. Then we got onto talking about Saturday night. I said I was still shaky after it all. Yeah, so am I he interjected almost before I could finish. But I'm getting on with things. In other words, he is saying that he is still upset by how I behaved! Tried to talk to him about how I felt, about the stuff that happened upstairs (toothbrush, towels, duvet-stripping, amongst others). Got nowhere. He was only taking off the duvet and pillows because he wanted me out of the bed (and bedroom) but I wouldn't go. (Never mind the fact that I'd already gone into another room to sleep and had to go back through to 'sort things out'.) I was out of order because I said he'd abused me three times that night and that was obviously rubbish. I had in fact abused him by throwing the towel back and knocking his glasses off. He was sickened by my attitude, and not willing to be walked over with regard to all this (ie that I'm making it out to be all his fault).

I don't deny that I was pretty upset on Saturday and did probably 'keep the argument going' as he keeps putting it. But as opposed to what, just rolling over and taking whatever he says? I think most of the time I was defending my position and arguing back, probably being a bit mean and unnecessary here and there too - I'm not a saint after all, I'm just a normal person who did crack a bit with the strain of it all. But all the arguing is separate, as I see it, from the physical intimidation and the horrible name-calling.

I think I'm starting to see that he's really not changing at all. That his attitude is still very much the same, in the sense that he can still behave that way towards me and excuse himself for it, blame me in an effect. That's not going to change. So if I go back, eventually it'll be more of the same, more intimidation, more being scared of him, for me and for my DS1, and probably eventually DS2 as well - I know that both of his girls are scared of him to a certain extent.

I've never felt so far from him, and also never felt so lonely. I think it's starting to sink in. And once this is all over there'll be no nice little Thursday night DVD and dinner dates, no weekends doing family stuff together. It'll just be me, and the boys. Every day. I was a single mum before, so I'm not scared of it. Just feeling very sad at what could have been, and what isn't going to be.

pony so sorry you're going through this sadness and pain. What you are writing rings with the truth of the matter. You obviously know in yourself that going back is not the answer for you or the DCs and that the steps you've taken are steps to freedom and a better life and future for all of you. The Thursday night DVDs will become a far away fairytale if you get back together; this is his time of reeling you back in and even then he's physically, verbally and emotionally abusing you. It would be a lot worse once you're under his thumb properly again. It's a cliche but it's much lonelier in a bad relationship than being single (I speak from still being in the former position but trying to escape...). And from my perspective, FWIW, I wish I was in your position and aspire to be in it soon.

Hilde you are a star for that kid you're helping, I am so glad he had someone he could turn to for advice. Hugs.

btw pony I've just reread my last sentence to you and hope it doesn't come across differently to how I meant it.... What I meant was that I admire you for getting as far as you have and hope I will get there soon too, and I wanted to say that as encouragement to you that you're doing the right thing! Sometimes keyboard words don't come out how you mean them IYSWIM!

Thanks trying - I know you'll get to where I am (allbeit with hopefully a little more resolution and distance from your FW than I've so far achieved). It's a whole process you have to go through with yourself, and you can't jump to the next step until you're ready, so don't feel too bad that you're not there yet. I will happen, I can see the strength in you.

When I think back to where I was a year ago - newly married, heavily pregnant, confused about how my husband was behaving towards his pregnant wife, starting to lose myself utterly in the mire of his EA (and VA and FA as well as the physical intimidation - see I still struggle to call it physical abuse or domestic violence). For all that I don't feel I'm in an emotionally good place right now, I know that physically I am in a stronger position. I have my own place of safety, it's my sanctuary it really is.

Anyway, off to bed now, my early night has (as always) drifted away from me, I even fell asleep on the living room floor this afternoon while playing with DS2... g'night. [horlicks]