or is he? answers below please!

[veryconfused81]

Basically, I have recently moved in with my DF. He has a DD who stays with us 40% of the time. She is 7. I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. My DF has just started a new job as a teacher, in a neighbouring town, which means he does not get back here until 4.30pm. His DD does an activity class on a Wednesday, and we have her every other Wednesday. Prior to me moving in it was discussed that on the Wednesday we have his DD I would need to take her to her class for 4.45pm. So that would mean picking them up from school (about 20 mins drive from where we live), hanging around at home for an hour, making sure she gets changed, then driving her to her class and dropping her off (again 20 mins or so to get there). I had no problem at all with that, of course I was more than happy to help out. Then he drops it on me today that he has realised that on Wednesdays he has a meeting after work so therefore wouldn't be there to be able to pick her up. This would be every Wednesday. So that means that I have to pick the kids up from school, drive home, drive back into town an hour later, find somewhere to park and pay for it (extortionate where we live), then hang around with my 2 kids for an hour, including my rowdy toddler who at that time of day is generally not much fun, probably in the cafe attached to the place where DSD does her activity, with them both bored shitless (I am speaking from experience as I did do it once last term), and watching DD2 like a hawk as there is an automatic door leading directly onto a very busy main road.

So I suggested maybe he could contact the centre and ask if it was possible to change her day to one where he would be able to grab her on the way home, which means I just have to drop her off then can go back home. And he went MENTAL, i mean proper mental, shouting and shouting at me about how I won't help him out, culminating in calling me a slut (not sure how any of this conversation makes me a slut but there you go). I tried to point out that I was more than happy to collect his daughter from school, get her ready for her club and drive her to it, but if there was any way around me having to hang around waiting with the kids then that would be much better (any other day of the week would be fine as it's only Wednesdays he works late, and the club runs every day). But he is having none of it, apparently I am selfish and only ever think of myself.

I am totally prepared to hear that I am BU, do you think I am?

[veryconfused81]

Yeah you are probably right, anyway it doesn't make the blindest bit of difference to what is going on!

[Bossybritches22]

hi there Very hope the plans to get back home are progressing OK.

[veryconfused81]

OK...an update.

After driving myself absolutely crazy about whether or not to have an abortion, I finally went through with it on Tuesday. It was pretty horrible and I really didn't want to do it, but it was very clear that there was definitely no hope for my relationship and I knew I did not want to be on my own with 3 kids. Of course, the night before I went to the clinic my ex made a very half arsed attempt to talk me out of it...along the lines of "half of me maybe thinks perhaps you shouldn't do it" - I could see exactly what he was doing and that was trying to appease his own guilt for future reference. He came up with some excellent solutions to what we could do such as we stay together, I move back to Somerset as planned, have the baby and he could pop down once or twice a month at weekends. Hmmm.

I felt pretty crap that evening and cried a lot but Wednesday I woke up feeling a lot better, and relieved that one of my massive problems had gone. I got upset again when I went to bed that night, which is when my ex pulled out the line I was waiting for "Well I TRIED to talk you out of it". Dick. The only thing I am slightly surprised about is that he did it within 24 hours, I thought he might be able to hold out a bit longer than that but no.

But I am definitely going. I haven't got a new place to live yet but I am going to stay at my mum's for the time being until something turns up, hopefully it won't be too long. Things are really shitty here, he is being a complete arsehole and doing his best to make me feel as bad as possible about the abortion, pulling out lines such as "You killed my baby when all you had to do was make a bit of effort to change". But only have to get through today and tonight and then I'm out of here.

So on with the packing...

[NicknameTaken]

Oh, he's a shitbag. You've been very brave and clear-eyed about the whole situation, OP, and I really admire you. Sending you strength for today and tonight and happy for your escape!

[veryconfused81]

Thanks NickName. Ha ha, just remembered another line from last night, and that's that I have only been crying about the abortion to try and make him feel guilty.

Because heaven forbid anything might not be about him.

[NicknameTaken]

Well, obviously, he is the centre of the universe - silly you for forgetting that for a moment. Seriously, everything he has said and done has just underlined the fact that you've made the right decision.

[veryconfused81]

Nearly finished packing and have had to quite literally push my ex away all night as he has been all over me like a cheap suit. 'For old times sake,' allegedly. I keep pointing out that we can't stand the sight of one another. He has been watching me pack up all my clothes and shoes etc in the bedroom and making sarky comments about how I will be wearing those dresses etc to seduce other men, which I have merrily agreed with.

He sure is a whole lot more bearable after a Diazepam and a can of cider.

I've got the sofa tonight by the looks of things.

[bogeyface]

Your last post has worried me a bit.

Keep your phone with you and get 999 as your last number dialled so can get to it quickly.

I am sorry, I really dont say this to worry you but abusive men are at their absolute worst when you are leaving, and his being all over you "old times sake" thing, worries me alot.

If you are frightened in ANY WAY, call the police. Tell them you are leaving in the morning and are frightened, they will come. Please please stay safe xxx

We are here for you xx

[veryconfused81]

Thanks bogeyface, but it's all fine. I can hear him snoring upstairs now :) I'll be OK xx

[bogeyface]

Thats good :)

I am sorry to have posted that but I just wanted you to keep yourself safe.

Thinking of you after your op, I have had a surgical termination and I know how you feel. i didnt want to terminate, but I didnt want to be pg either if it meant having my abusive boyfriends baby (I finished with him not long after). I just wanted it to go away or for him to turn into a good partner :( I was all over the place but now, 19 years later, I look back and I dont feel that pain anymore as I realise it was definitely the right thing to do. When i got him out of my life I didnt have to think about him ever again, having that link to him would have been unbearable (as I am sure you realise after seeing the message from his ex, poor woman :( ).

Take care and I hope to see your check in soon that you have arrived home safely xx

[Flojo1979]

I know what u mean bogey I think we will all breath a sigh of relief very when we know u and dcs are safely at your mums.
Stay strong tomorrow.

[HappySunflower]

Hi....just caught up on here.
I won't text in case you're asleep but just to say that I hope you have a quiet night.
Should anything occur, grab the kids and head over here for the night, we don't have a lot of room but at least you'd be safe and away from him.

[veryconfused81]

Oh yes I can relate to that 100% Bogeyface! But to be honest, I feel fine. I am amazed at how fine I feel as I never ever thought I could go through with a termination and I was in pieces leading up to it. On the day I kept it together until I was lying on the trolley about to go into theatre and they put the needle in my arm, then I went a bit mental and burst into floods of tears. And then it was done, and really I have just felt quite calm and relieved since then. The guilt hasn't come, I have had moments of sadness, but no guilt, as I know what I did was the best thing for my kids and me, and the only real option. Sometimes you just got to do what you got to do. I'm sure there will be moments in the future where I find it hard to think about but right now I am feeling relieved and positive and hopeful that better things are around the corner.

Thanks flojo, I'll be sure to let you know I have landed safely. It'll be OK, it's the home straight now.

[veryconfused81]

Thanks HappySunflower, that's really kind, but I'm sure we'll be OK. He is fast asleep and I am going to crash soon too. He has his dd here and I have the little one so nothing can really kick off. Hopefully catch up with you tomorrow xx

[HappySunflower]

Glad things sound calm!
Hopefully see you at some point tomorrow, I'm around all day so any time is fine.

Sleep tight!

xxx

[bogeyface]

I think that you feel so positive after such a traumatic time says alot.

But please dont be complacent, sometimes they do kick off infront of their kids so just for me, being OTT and over protective, will you sleep with your phone under your pillow? Please? To make me happy?

[veryconfused81]

OK Bogeyface, I will have it next to me i promise :)

[bogeyface]

Thank you, now I can sleep :)

Take care, looking forward to you "We're home" post :)

[veryconfused81]

On my way back to somerset, totally wiped out from all the packing and lugging stuff about. Haven't got very far yet, still over 2 hours driving and all I want to do is sleep. Have to unload the van when I get there too :(. Moan moan moan. Feel really sad and emotional.

[bogeyface]

But you're doing it and that is fantastic :)

Stay strong, we are all willing you on xx

[Heleninahandcart]

You'll be back very soon OP and then you can finally relax a bit. Freedom is in sight x

[Flojo1979]

Hi very I know its gonna be tough the next few days as the reality sets in, I've been there, but u will feel better soon I promise.

[Funnylittleturkishdelight]

Yey! This is your happy ending! Well done!

[skiesmylimit]

Just read your whole thread very.

You can start afresh life now and be happy, you have done the right thing. Good luck for your future

i envy how strong you are

[veryconfused81]

Thanks everyone....so far so good. My Mum and her partner have been so lovely, we were unloading the van until midnight last night and I had the best night's sleep ever in a really comfy bed, then my mum cooked me breakfast this morning and I had a long soak in the bath (no bath at my ex's and I hate showers!), so that was a real treat. Going to spend this week trying to sort out school for DD2 and getting a new solicitor and all that kind of thing that needs to be done, but next week me and my girls are going to Butlins for 5 days while DD1's school application is still being processed. Not exactly a relaxing week in the Seychelles but the girls will love it and it will get us out of my mum's hair for a few days.

Haven't got a place to live yet and there's not much about, but I have been onto the council and hopefully will have some luck getting somewhere from them as we are technically homeless at the moment, there's lots of social housing being built near my mum's so hopefully that might happen but going to keep looking privately too and if the right place comes up that's great.

My ex has been texting me saying how much he loves me and how weird it is with us all gone. I admit I do feel sad about it all ending as it wasn't all bad but I think we have proved that living together just doesn't work, he is on about carrying on seeing each other once or twice a month at weekends, which would probably work out fine but ultimately there's no future in that so I don't really see the point.

Feel good. It's nice to be in a calm environment and not treading on eggshells. My girls have been brilliant and are dealing with the change really well.

I really want to thank 2 mumsnetters in particular who have been an amazing support - that two total strangers stepped in to help me out (one through some very sound advice via private messaging and one who I met with and was amazingly kind and supportive). Takeitaway and HappySunflower you are both amazing - thank you so much - you have really helped me to change the course of my life for the better.